Tag Archives: Autistic Adult In Peril

MY STORY ONCE AND FOR ALL~~AND WHY I NEED HELP TO SURVIVE THE REST OF WHATEVER YEARS I HAVE LEFT TO LIVE ON THIS EARTH

The thing is, I was born.
I exist.
I breathe.
I live.
I matter
As I am.

But, ya see, here’s the thing,
I was born disabled
In May of 1960 in a time when no one knew what they know now about being disabled.

Back then, being disabled was thought of as both abhorrent,
and we who were disabled, were to be pitied, scorned, and put into the back rooms of our houses, or put into institutions.

Growing up, I never knew I’d grow up to go onto Facebook
And find out that there was a movement
A disability rights movement
And a neurodivergent movement
that says being disabled and autistic is OKAY

Yes, I was born Autistic
With co-occurring learning disabilities
And cognitive disabilities
And what I always was told were emotional disabilities
and a perceptual disability

On top of that, I was born with crossed eyes (strabismus)
I had eye surgery at the age of 2 1/2 years to correct this
but still was left with my right eye as my “lazy eye”
I still remember that surgery
and how I was pinned down afterwards
on my hospital bed
blind, unable to see due to patches being put on both of my eyes

That early childhood experience was my first in a lifelong time of trauma
Trauma after trauma after trauma
Because my family, and then schoolkids,
could not understand why I was both giddy silly over lights, and certain things
and why I was frightened of so many, many things that none of my other siblings were frightened of

I was terrified of bright lights
flickering flourescent lights
Cats and dogs
Swimming in a swimming pool
I was too scared, terrified, to learn how to ride a two wheel bike
I was too scared, terrified, to learn to roller skate
Or to play ball because
Instead of catching the ball, I would get hit by the ball
I was even scared, terrified, of the loud static-y record player we had
And our loud radio
And it all hurt
Because all of this was all literally scary to me

Instead of understanding me, I got ridiculed by my siblings
They would use these fears of mine to control me

Growing up, I never knew exactly what was “wrong” with me
I just knew that I was different
And because I was different, I was Less-Than

I knew that I was not at all the normal as apple pie that [I was always told] that all of my brothers and sisters were

I went to special ed classes from grades 1 through 4
then was put right into a rural school with no special ed classes
in 5th grade
when we moved to the mountains east of Santa Maria
I was not accepted at school or at home
Both places I was teased harshly and ridiculed
Or patronized and treated like a little baby
To be pitied
But still Less-Than

The stress of never being enough
Got to me physically
And I developed facial hair
Yesterday, my mom told me that I never had to work
But the reality was that
I was never able to work
Because of my facial hair
And the disabilities I had
And the way I was treated as Less Than
And the way it all manifested inside and out
In my body and brain

And high school
Was even harder
I kept running away in my sophomore year of HS
to get away from my STILL mean hot tempered father
and all of my mean siblings

I desperately wanted to go where
I would find acceptance
and belonging
I did find that in a family who moved near us
in the mountains so I was always at their house
because they made me feel like a person

I was ridiculed also because I knew by the time I was in 7th grade
That I was sexually different
as well from all of my peers
I just didn’t understand then
what it meant to be
Non-BInary, Queer, and Bi-Sexual
Because back then, in the 60’s and 70’s, it was
still highly frowned upon to be
homosexual / transgender / non-binary / genderfluid.
And I never had anyone I could discuss that with
Again, because being LGBTQ in those days
Was still a No-No.

But at home, it was hell, always hell
Because I either had to act silly,
or just clam up into a shell
In order to survive the harsh narrow mindedness of my family
And my father was always scolding
always yelling in a rage at me
I was beaten by him as a child
and punished for things like looking at my shiny hair
and swigging my arms
and using slang
and listening to rock music
and for being too silly
I was punished for my quirks
Always shoved away, punished, and scolded
Then later on in my early 20’s I got diagnosed with
paranoid schizophrenia by an SSI appeals psychiatrist

I went on SSI (Supplemental Security Income) when I was 21,
because of my facial hair,
and then what was thought to be mental disabilities.
I knew I wasn’t paranoid schizophrenic
Because I didn’t have those symptoms
But it was what they labeled me with at that time.
No one thought to say”Aha, she’s autistic!”

And my family never understood me or supported me
Instead, I spent my growing up years
sheltered and shielded from life
from being able to think for myself
I basically never got the opportunity to work
and to be able to get off of the government benefits
I have now been living on since the age of 21.

I grew up never getting to party, or have real teenage fun.
I have still never even gotten to attend a rock concert.
I was alone and had very few friends in high school.
A huge group of jocks made fun of me my entire time in high school.

I lived at home with my parents
Until December 1987when my parents
were finally able to afford to
pay to rent a small studio apartment for me here in town

I began to thrive there at my first apartment
Because I had learned very well
how to mask my autistic traits,
I was accepted by my family then
but even so, none of them ever came to visit me
when I lived there, except for my mom and grandma

I even tried to get help through CA Voc Rehab so I could work
But like everything else, that too failed
due to the little real support I had from my family.
Then my father had a stroke in July of 1989
And in 1991, I had to move to one of my sister’s cottages
where I again got thrown into being taunted and terrorized
so badly by two grown college aged girls next door to me
Then more neighbors in nearby auto shops and
other businesses ganged up
And began to bully and torment me also.

And it began affecting both my mental and physical health to where today
I now have lymphedema on both of my legs
A lymphedema leg lump the size of a basketball on my left inner thigh
and now I am in end stage stage five kidney disease

My family has abandoned me.
My eldest sister moved to Arizona in 2001 with her husband.
My other sister moved to Idaho in 1991 with her husband and family
followed my my youngest brother, in 1995 and his family,
then my parents in 1996
then my eldest brother and his wife and girl moved there in 2004.

With the exception of my mother and two of my sisters who do care
all others in my family ignore me
I am essentially just…a bother to them
They still don’t get it that I was born into that family
that I exist
and that I need help.
because I was never able to pull myself up in life
like they could do.

I am.
I exist.
I can think.
I can make my own informed decisions.
I’m a fucking human being.

I have rights.
I have the right to make choices.
I have a right to know what is happening before ppl just
go and do things that are going to affect my very life without asking me first.

I have the right
As a disabled adult
To live and to thrive
As I am
In my own community
To have full accessibility
To have full freedom.
I am still disabled.
I am 60 years old now.
I’m STILL a full-on PERSON, though!
Today, I am the ONLY one in my family who does not have their own home.

They all have jobs and homes.
I just have one of the two cottages where I live.
That are owned by my mother and a trust
Well, I need a safety net too when my mom passes away,
And she cannot see that.
And neither can the rest of my family
who already totally ignore me and just think
of me as a BOTHER.
A fucking BOTHER.

I’m not in a good place today mentally.

Because I was told when my mom passes away, that these two cottages are going to be sold….And the proceeds from this sale will be used to be shared amongst my five living siblings.

Where does this leave me? With only my Social Security to have to learn to survive on
Because until yesterday
I was under the assumption I would inherit these two cottages as my safety net for my future.
I will end up either homeless
Or forced into a nursing home.
Which my mother keeps telling me that is where I belong
In a nursing home
where I won’t be free at all.

This is why I play the Powerball lottery, so I CAN be free.
It is for me the ONLY way out I see for myself

Winning the Powerball jackpot
Will Free me of the fear that those in my family
who think of me as a bother,
will sell the two cottages where I live
and I will be forced into a nursing home when my mom dies.
Free of the more grave poverty I will be in also when she dies.

This is why I am for universal healthcare.
This is why I am for the freedom to live
and work in our communities
that the Olmstead Law has given us disabled people
And I am also for a basic universal monthly income in the amount of $2,000 a month,
so that I can still live a decent life after my mom is gone.

But I have learned the painful, hard, heartbreaking way
That even my own mother can forget just what my life has been like
and be cruel and take the only safety net I have away from me
That we cannot count on our biological families to have our backs

They were the ones who told me time and again
As I was growing up,
as I was a developing human being
My family all told me
Over and over and OVER again
That I was never enough
That would never date
That I would never have boyfriends
Never have friends
Never have a car
Never kiss
Never have sex
Never have a job
Never drive
Never learn to think for myself
They told me time and again
I was Less-Than
Broken
Wrong
Too weird
Too ODD
Too crazy
That I would never succeed at life
And yeah….they called me the R word
Called me a dog
Said I didn’t have brains in my head
That no one would ever like me
That I’d be spending my life running running running
Till I’d run out of places to run to.

The above that I am describing
Is sadly, the treatment that so many,
far too many children who happen to be born Autistic
get from their families
My family is no exception.

Yes, the two angels in my life,
my two sweet caregivers
did talk to my mom yesterday afternoon
and get her to listen and understand
and she said she would talk to my brother and sister
and tell them my plight
and that she would go and change her will
to make sure I am taken care of when she passes away
that I will have life tenancy in my home till I die.

But I am still terrified
of what my brothers and sisters may still
do to me when my mom passes away.

I hope to God
That if my eldest brother
who is now in Heaven
Because he passed away in May of 2018
That he sees, from Above,
what my family may be trying to do to me today
And he watches over me and prays for me
like I know he does
And prays that God will soften their hearts to finally know,
Get,
And understand my plight.
Otherwise, I will be homeless when my mom passes away
Or else put into a home.
And that will be the end of me.

Am I Not A Human Being? Do I Not Have Rights? I Am Perishing Because Now My Police Dept. Is Ignoring Me

An open letter to my city police department and my city council,

I am what you would call a prisoner in my own home.

I am an Autistic, and physically Disabled adult with health issues that could kill me—-i am stuck here, housebound, and my own home is an almost 24/7 virtual actual torture chamber.

I could very well die if the police do not help me again. That is how severely upset i am getting every single day now, in my own home.

I am now left so upset, having meltdowns so severe that it affects my whole body, makes me physically sick to my stomach, and then i am unable to function for days after those meltdowns. Yet i am having these meltdowns every day all because of the loud hot rodding and loud thunder bass that i have to listen to daily right in front of my house.

“Oh, just get your parents to sound proof your middle room, and shut up!”—-yeah sure, so i can go hunker down in there like i am in a war bunker, and then i would never get fresh air and sunshine. Which all human beings NEED!!

What? Am i not a human being???

I have always had someone to talk to who has helped me at that police dept. the entire time i have had to live here. Now i have no one at that police dept, not even the ones who i used to call my friends and allies. Everyone at that police dept now ignores me.

All because i made the mistake of letting them know that as an Autistic, i latched onto both speed trailers they had here, and made imaginary friends out of them. I am being punished by the police, because well, that’s not normal to make imaginary friends out of objects. yes it is when your neurology is different, when you are Autistic. Many Autistic people latch onto things and get interested in them and then have to know all about those things. It’s called Autistic interests. For me, it has always been certain roads, highways, and electronic things, like stereos, my digital smart electric meter when they gave me one, and now the 2 speed trailers that the police placed on my street, because of the way the numbers go up and down, and flash the speed if it goes over the limit, as well as the bright red “SLOW DOWN” sign.

All i have asked is for my city councilperson to get the Lt. Commander to open up his phone to me again, to talk to me again. And to get me a beat coordinator who will be just like Jason was, who will actually see my plight and help me so i do not feel like a prisoner anymore in my own home.

My city council member will not hear me, or help me either.

There has to be an ADA office close enough who will help me, please, because i am under so much stress just because of the atrociously loud fast raceway outside of my house, with the loud hot rods, and loud thunder bass stereo systems that actually vibrate the whole inside of my head when they are on near me.

This noise goes from 7 in the morning until 8, 9, 10, sometimes even like last night, i had loud hot rods and bass at 2 :30 in the morning!!!

Tell me how it is right or fair that i am to just grow a pair, put up and shut up when this is my HOME??????

I hope the American With Disabilities Act office reads this. I hope TV stations will pick my story up and tell it finally.

I cannot live like this anymore. I just can’t do it.

My Go Fund Me, because i want to move where i know i will have local friends, and all the services i need.

https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4

My Night Of Lamentations

I have no hope whatsoever for a decent existence now. No more will the police help me, and the mean bully across the street knows this, and is giving me the night from HELL. I do not know if i will make it now. I am sick, having one meltdown after another.

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I don’t care about whether it rains or not anymore
I don’t care anymore because nobody cares about me
I don’t care because i evidently do not matter to most ppl
I don’t care anymore if they haul me off
I don’t care if they kill me
I just want out of my misery and hell.

+++

I have lost all faith in humankind and in God now.

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I am so upset and discouraged at the way my police dept has decided to blow my problems off that i left several of the Santa Maria groups i was in. As soon as i am able to move, and know i can move somewhere decent, it is not going to be anywhere else in Santa Maria. I can promise you all that!! I am DONE with this town and the way its police dept has let me down!!! Done, done, and done!!!

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I needed someone to physically talk to right now, so i called the national crisis hotline. I wish i could say it made me feel better.

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What would make me feel better right now is to win enough money in tonight’s (Weds) night’s lottery, so i can move away from this pit of hell as fast as i can. To a place where i know i won’t face bullies who torment me right outside of my house day and even night. Like i have here. Where i also won’t have to call the police anymore either.

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I no longer consider police my friends. At all.

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This night is lasting way too long. And then i know my daytime will be more of the same of what i had yesterday. And now i have no more police to help me. This feels like one long dark tunnel that i cannot seem to climb out of.

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I am an Autistic adult in peril, and i need help, please!! I need for my community to see me as the human being i am, to see my plight as the very real nightmare it is, and to not force me to have to endure it any longer. I no longer feel like i am at home here. I no longer feel safe. I no longer feel like i am going to make it. Because my police dept has given up on me.

An Open Letter, Because I Am About To Run Away

I apologize upfront that this is not paragraphed properly. I did paragraph it properly, but everytime i go to re-edit it, it refuses to separate the paragraphs.

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I wrote the following letter to the chief of my city’s police dept., because i no longer seem to be getting anywhere with trying to get a new beat coordinator to help me with my still ongoing cancerous neighborhood issues. I sent it, thinking wow, i finally am going to get his ear, and he will get me the help i have been crying out for from my city’s police dept.!

In fact, now a sergeant, Sgt. R. M., who does not understand my plight and who thinks i should just snap my fingers and move—–oh yes, it’s just that easy—–and i mean that sarcastically, of course!!—-has now banned me from calling anyone but him about my neighborhood issues. it is not easy for me when people don’t—or won’t—take the time to understand–and they do what this sergeant has done, just lock me out. Now i am having the night from hell because now i want to run away.

But noooooo—as soon as i sent the very well-written email off to the police chief, i got a Daemon failure notice—-email failed to send because wrong DNS whatever.

So, i am going to publish that letter here, in hopes that the chief will some how, some way, come across it.

Dear Chief M,

I am finally writing to you because i am very upset about the way i am once again being treated and blown off by my city’s police department. I have reached the point where i feel i may need to take my story to the media.

Because i feel as though my police department has abandoned me again.

I am writing to let you know about my plight. I’m an Autistic 56 year old adult, who is in very poor physical health, and i have been housebound, unable to drive or go much of anywhere since April of 2012. I cannot even walk too far because of my legs. So, i am cooped up in this tiny 550-foot cottage on an almost 24/7 basis. My tiny home has become a prison and a torture chamber. I have become deeply depressed, and this depression grows deeper every day because i feel isolated and cut off from people, my community, and life. Yes, when people are nice and accepting of me, i am a people person who enjoys going places like the ocean, movies, church, out to eat, etc. But i don’t get to do those things anymore because of my failing health.
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I have lived here on *** Street for the past 25 years in a duplex that is owned by my mother. The past 24 of these years have been a hell that i have never been able to successfully escape…not for lack of trying….but being that i have never worked, all i have had to live on all of my adult years is my monthly Social Security benefits. I only continue to live here on *** Street because i have no where else to go. My hell is mainly caused by men who work and hang out at some of the nearby businesses who bully and terrorize me because they think it is a fun sport. I lack the filters to be able to ignore them, especially when they deliberately revv their motors, scream loud banshee yells at me, lay on their car horns, and blast their amplified loud thunder bass. These noises are severely painful for me to hear, and i scream and meltdown because of the agony this causes me.
 +++
It is not like i can live my life with headphones and earplugs on 24/7, just to adapt my own home environment, where i should feel safe, to the outside world. I did not choose to move here, and believe me, if i had been able to choose where to live, it would have never been here. I live here only because it’s the only thing available for me.
+++
I used to feel safe when i knew i could always pick up the phone and have either Lt. K. G. or Lt. C. R. to talk to and help me, and then earlier this year, i had Jason. Now i am back to having no one to call and talk to. 
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My new beat coordinator, P. S., and Sgt. R. M. both tell my mother and i that they are too busy helping others to help me, and that is the God’s truth. I have talked to Officer S; my mom has talked to Sgt. R. M., and both seem to not have any real understanding of my circumstances. Nor do they seem to want to. In fact, today my mom was told that all future phone calls concerning my plight on *** Street are to now be referred to Sgt. R. M.
+++
I am afraid to talk to most people as a rule until i get to know them and feel safe with them. I am very timid about phone calls, because most people seem to lack a true understanding of my Autism, how it manifests, and what my plight with my living environment is. I deal the best with people who are friendly, open and accepting, people who make me feel that my feelings and needs are being truly validated. I shut down on people who are rude, curt, who don’t listen, who interrupt, talk over me, down to me, and treat me like i don’t matter. I have always been very afraid to deal with Sgt. R. M. because he is like that, and now it seems like i am being forced to.
+++
Two years ago, i remember that you talked to my friend H, and promised her that as long as you were chief, my calls for service would not be ignored any longer. And now, even Cmndr. K. G. ignores me. Which really hurts, because i have always considered him to be a real friend and ally.
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Here is what i am asking of you.
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1) Please don’t force me to have to work with either R. M. or P. S. anymore. Please find me someone who will be like Jason was, 
**who will get the speed trailer back on my street more often, on my side of the street where i can enjoy watching it work from my front lawn, 
**who will set me up with regular patrols, 
**who will talk to me,
**who will talk to my neighbors and explain to them how i am trapped here, how this is my home, and how the loud hot rodding, banshee yells, excessive horn honking, and thunder bass noise affects me worse than ever now because my physical health is failing now, and i can no longer go anywhere to escape it anymore.
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2) Please also ask Cmndr. K. G. to at least talk to me once a week. Again, i only feel safe with certain people, because when people are rude, condescending, talk down to me, or over me, and blow me off, that is a real sensory issue for me that keeps me upset for days, with meltdowns.
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The meltdowns i have when a car revvs its motor or blares their thunder bass, or people lay on their car horns or banshee yell at me, are severe, and cause me to get physically ill to my stomach. 
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Having the speed trailer here was a real comfort to me, as i felt it protected me from all the harsh noises and even the mean bullies. I know you only have a few of those, but i have even offered to pay your department a monthly fee to rent it on a regular basis. 
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I do have a possible way to move in the Spring of 2018. But while i am still here, it’d mean the world to me if my police department would care again, and work with me, please.
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I am enclosing pictures of the speed trailer that i enjoyed watching.
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I fervently hope this letter reaches you, and not R. M., or anyone else who may not get my plight. Please help me. You are my last hope.
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Sincerely,
Melissa Fields, *** Street
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P. S.~~I am also enclosing a link to my Go Fund Me page. Maybe the police department can all get together and purchase a speed trailer for me, like the RU2 Systems Kustom Signals one that was here?
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In Case I Get Put In Facebook Jail, Please Help Me

The following link is my Go Fund Me appeal page. I am asking all who follow this blog to please retweet and post my appeal for me at least once a day, as Facebook is now getting upset with my posting my appeal page on there so often.

I am only trying my best to get the help i need so that i, an Autistic middle-aged adult, who is also physically disabled, housebound and alone, with no in real life local friends except for my caregiver, can move to a place where i can have the much needed peace i need, and i can, once and for all, finally get away from the bullies and awful loud verbal harassment, speeding, hot rodding, and racing, plus loud thunder bass noises that i have to contend with on a daily basis here where i live.

My life the way it is, is killing me inch by inch. Both mentally, emotionally, and physically. Most days, i am reduced to a screaming mess, and these meltdowns are making me actually sick. And now on top of this, Facebook is now giving me problems when i post my appeal and tag my friends so they can repost this.

I don’t know how i will be able to go on if Facebook should block and suspend my account. I really badly need my friends to get together and help me, please.

I do need to get out of this place as soon as possible. I no longer feel safe living here, especially now that the police seem to be ignoring me.

The link to my Go Fund Me is below. Thank you, everyone.

https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4

Would You Not Be Depressed Too If You Were Stuck In A Small Four-Walled Box?

136

I just wrote this. This explains why i am so deeply depressed and having so many meltdowns lately. It is hard—-way beyond hard—when my own home is right in front of a war zone full of bullies and i can never get out to go places to escape this hell. All i have to look at is a concrete and asphalt street and rows of ugly yellow tin buildings all day long.

I sleep all of the time now because i only feel safe when my caregiver is here. When she isn’t here, and the bullies are, they really crucify me….and they did so yesterday, so badly i almost fainted from screaming so strongly.

But PLEASE don’t blame my caregiver. She does all she can do for me, and does her best by me. She has a real heart for me, and cares deeply about me. She would do more if IHSS allowed it and if they paid IHSS caregivers mileage, and helped pay for their car insurance, and maintenance.

I also felt safe when the speed radar trailer was here. I so wish the police would bring that back for me. It calmed the street down, and even made the bullies stop picking on me while it was here, because the bullies saw me being able to interact with others, and i guess that made them feel like i was more of a human being than they thought i was.

I have a great and deep empathy for people, especially all of those who are my friends, you all do not realize how deeply i care about all of you—– but please forgive me——it is not always easy for me to show it because the mental pain and state of fear that i am all the time in is sometimes too great.

I know this comes across as me not caring abut the feelings of others, and what they are going through, but i can assure you all, that is so not the case.

I so wish i had my family around me, and that they would understand, accept me, and care about me. I would not feel so alone, so isolated, and and cut off!!

 

Yes, this is my life.

I am stuck living in a 4 walled box
I get to go to the bank once every month,
and sometimes to the doctor
Sometimes to the psych tech nurse who prescribes my Ativan
But that is it
It is not my caregiver’s fault
She would take me on outings
if IHSS allowed her to do so
But they don’t
When my caregiver is not here
I am all alone
and very lonely
I have no one to call
no one to talk to
when my caregiver isn’t here
because i have no nice neighbors around me
and no in real life local friends
no one at all
as most of my family live out of state now
they all moved when i was still doing well
when i still could drive
when i still had my health
when i could still get out and walk
when i could still go to church
but a bunch of traumatizing stuff happened in early 2012
that set me back mentally & emotionally
i had to stop driving due to that
i actually lost the ability to drive
at the same time, my leg tumor was growing too big too
which also made it hard for me to drive
And now today, i sit in my house
and life now is passing me by
most of my family ignore and shun me like i’m a plague
because they don’t get me, and get or understand my Autism
i do talk to my mom and she does what she can to help me
i also have one nice sister who cares about me
but again, both live out of state now
i talk to my mom sometimes several times a day
and write to my sister when i have the spoons
but otherwise i am all alone
i wish people would understand when i can’t smile
and when i have those days when i have more meltdowns  than usual
how hard this is on me to only get to see things through my TV and computer and front door now
yes i still have the bullies here who still
make my life even more of a living hell
yes, they still are at it
and now the police seem to be ignoring me
all of this is getting to me
i badly need a way out of here
as my physical health is failing
and i am about to break emotionally and mentally
my depression and despair is so deep
that i often have no strength to even get out of my lift chair
where i now sleep
i am sleeping all of the time now too
because it is my only true escape
except for when my caregiver comes
i have sadly grown to depend on her with my life
as she has become my only lifeline
i panic when she has to leave early, or when she gets sick
because i am scared to be awake now in the daytimes
when i am here all alone
because the bullies crucify me when she isn’t here
yes, that is when they do all the mean things
to antagonize me
i keep going on because i have no choice but to
but please forgive me when i cannot smile
when it gets too much for me that i end up melting down
i am in a pain so real and it is hard to put on normal when i want to run and scream and hide from it all
I hope i can get my miracle soon
so i can move and get better healthcare, and better adult services
I love my caregiver, she does her best by me
so please don’t blame her
but i do need a way out so i can have my joy and happiness and peace back.
Please.

My Go Fund Me is:  https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4

Rivers Of Anguish, Rivers Of Hope

Below are some of my latest posts. Because i am needing to write. because i really do need help. Because i really do need a way out of this jail i am trapped in. This jail that is made up of my toxic neighborhood, and the tiny 550 square foot box that i am confined to.

Sunday, Sept. 18, 2016–7:03 AM

“Oh boy, the sun is up early!! GRRRRRRRRRR!!! 😡 It’s gonna be hot today….i am so not looking forward to that!!! 😡

Grumpy me is going back to bed because it is still nice and cool right now, and i will just hope for the best, that my house doesn’t warm up too badly.

Just…..GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! 😡 ”

Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–2:53 PM

“Oh God, this is AWFUL!!!!!!!!!! My living room is an awful hotter than Hades OVEN this afternoon—-i should have had the A/C window open—-it is not, and I AM SUFFERING HOLY HELL!!!!!!!”

Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–4:14 PM

“I am okay now. My mom called the fire dept. for me, and they sent a nice police officer over to open my A/C window, so now i have the A/C going, and my living room is cooling off nicely. It got very HOT today, and i was almost ready to suffer heat exhaustion. Because here in my living room, it felt like it was 100 degrees. I was seriously burning up.

I REALLY hate my Sundays though, because i am alone with no one to help me at all on Sundays. At least i know i can call the fire dept or police if need be.

I think i will go cry now. I really feel like crying now. 😥 I HATE having to be alone anymore!!!! 😥 “

Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–5:10 PM

“I am glad i did not have to die in my hot living room today, very thankful for the nice police officer who opened my air conditioner window for me—very thankful that my air conditioner still works!!! 🙂 “

Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–6:09 PM

“The KSBY website says Santa Maria is still at 80 degrees as of now. YIKES!!!! :O “

Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–6:56 PM

“I am glad the sun is setting now. I really want to move where it doesn’t get hot like this!! Yes, i am serious about this!! Because……i actually had to get a police officer to come to open my A/C window today because i was getting overheated to where i was going to pass out.

I had my mom call the fire dept. to do this, but instead, a nice police officer showed up to open the window for me.

Like i say—i’m glad i had this help. Otherwise i would have had to call an ambulance.

I am going to go eat dinner now.”

Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–8:44 PM

“Here are the places i would go if i could still drive and still had a car—but i had someone who would go with me so i am not having to go all alone:
*The San Luis Obispo Farmer’s Market
*Avila Beach/Harford Pier/Pismo Beach/Shell Beach
*Avila Valley Barn
*The movies
*Panera Bread
*Solvang/Los Alamos
*Downtown Friday Nights farmer’s Market
*Applebee’s
*Cool Hand Luke’s for ribs
*San Luis Obispo downtown/the mission
*Morro Bay/Cambria/San Simeon
*Crumbles Restaurant
*F. McKlintock’s for ribs
*Woodstock’s Pizza
*Waller Park
*a nice laid back church that accepts Neurodiverse, LGBTQ, and all marginalized people
I wish i had local friends who would take me to these places. I wish i was not all alone. I wish my family cared about me. I wish i was not in this trap, this cage i am in.”

9:43 PM

“I just watched the news as it was on after the Sunday night NFL football game, and found out that today’s temp in Santa Maria got up to 96 sizzling hot degrees. No wonder i was having heart palpitations, and feeling hot, flushed, and like i was going to pass out!!

If i had not of had my mom call to get someone over here—-a nice police officer came—-to open my air conditioner window, i could have died today. I am still feeling very rattled, and am now afraid to turn off the air conditioner for fear i will feel like passing out again.

96 degrees is way too hot for someone like me to have to sit in a living room that has turned into a hot oven; because of my leg condition, and i am also 3x to 4x plus-sized, with a new problem: low kidney function….i cannot get by without the air conditioner.

I am going to have potato chips dipped in ketchup now. Because that is what i am craving. I am also craving soft and doughy homemade sugar cookies. But i don’t have those, so….yeah…..

I hate my Sundays on desert island!! 😥 “

9:44 PM

“Yes, 96 degrees is way too hot for me!!! 😦 “

I then posted memes about Autumn, because i love that season, when the leaves all turn such beautiful colors, and the days are just warm enough to be comfortable, and the nights are nice and cool. I also posted a meme about all of the soft and doughy looking Christmas cookies i would love to have this Christmas.

I really am alone, and so lonely for local friends.
I am lonely to have more caring people in my life.
I am sad because most of my family coldly ignore me.
I am in pain all the time because of my legs, and this leg tumor makes it so hard to even sit and enjoy my computer.
This Spring and every Spring now when the hills are bright green from our winter rains, i always miss getting to get out on drives to see them and take pictures of them.
I long to live where i can see beauty outside—not these ugly yellow tin buildings all day long.

I am hoping that i can at least get my own speed radar trailer. I made a Go Fund Me page for that, and to also raise the money for a move to a place whee i will have the above things i so long to have.

I so hope someone will help me, please.

https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4

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Please Stop & Listen To Me–I Need More Allies & Friends

I have spent the past several hours sleeping, and plan to sleep more.
I sleep all the time because i am not happy anymore.
I need the police to be real allies to me.
I need for them to stop ignoring me.
I need to have the speed trailer back on my street.
I need for my legs to work again, for this awful leg tumor to be gone.
I need for my next door neighbors to hurry up and move, because of the tension they still cause for me.
I need in real life local friends who will be willing to take me places so i can get out of this box once in a while.
I need for my family to wake up and start caring and understanding and accepting me as i am.
I need them to learn about my Autism and understand it once and for all.
I am tired on all levels.
It is a deep tired of all of my lifetime goals being lost to me.
A deep tired of not having things to look forward to and hope for anymore.
I dread each day because of the street noise and the next door neighbors.
This needs to change.
It isn’t just me, it is many elderly and disabled people who are in this same or similar boat.
Society throws us away and ignores us because we are too inconvenient to them.
We need for you to all care, to get in the cubby hole under the stairs and sit there with us, when we go in there, instead of yelling at us to get out of there.
What harm would it do to let me play with your shiny hair, big sister?
What harm would it do to listen to the story i have told, to see why i told it, to understand why i told my story—-which is because you all have essentially left me to live alone and lonely my whole life, always on the outside, always on the fringes.
I was always the last one to know things.
Please don’t tell your Autistic/Disabled children/kids/relatives
that they will never date
never drive
never have a job
never have friends or romantic relationships
or that they don’t know what’s going on or how to think for themselves
that is Othering and making us feel like we are wrong, less than and don’t belong when we DO belong.
Remember this:
Children are developing human beings, and even though we may develop at a different pace, does not mean we won’t be able to do all the above things.
We are still human beings, capable of great success, all our families have to do is BELIEVE in us and not ignore and discard us to sit alone in our rooms.
Many a time i would sit alone in my room and cry wondering why you all hated me?
God made us, and God did not make and does not make mistakes, so why do you so easily discard us?
Think about it….please listen to me because my health is now failing and i honestly do not know whether i will be around that much longer because of my health issues.
Yes, i needed to write this.
Yes, everyone needs to read this and take this to heart.
I do not want to be alone anymore. It hurts like hell to be alone.
This is why i have turned to certain roads, highways and electronics and made them imaginary friends.
This is why i made a friend out of the speed trailer when it was here.
Exactly why.
I hope and pray i get that back within the next two weeks, maybe even this week.
Yes, because it’s my friend and i feel it protects me when it is here.
I loved to sit outside and watch it working, so i hope it goes back on my side of the street again where i can easily watch it working again.
But it also makes people drive the speed limit, even slower, and lessens the loudness of the noise, and it also takes care of the loud hot rodding too.
Please, God, let this week be the start of life getting better for me again.
Thank you.

My Go Fund Me:  https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4

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Alone, & So Lonely I May As Well Live In An 8ft by 10ft Jail Cell

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I, Melissa Fields, an Autistic adult—-yes, we exist, and yes, there are lots and lots and LOTS of us out there if people would just take the time to see, hear, look, listen to us and treat and respect us as the human beings we are—- had to stop driving in April of 2012 for three reasons——-

because i was becoming too afraid of going places—-anywhere—- by myself, because of all of the meltdowns i was having in public whenever i was faced with ableism from people—people who did not get my Autism and sensory issues, who would get angry with me and escalate an often ugly scene with me instead of understanding and learning why i was upset, and why i was asking for certain accomodations—–

because i had just gone through the very ugly and deeply traumatic break up of a friendship with a person who had become like a family member to me, who suddenly turned against me with full on inexplicable fury that year——

and because by that time, i had already developed a huge leg tumor the size of a basketball on my left inside thigh area, which made it hard to get in and out of the driver’s side of ANY vehicle. I began to develop lymphedema in both legs in 2005, due to having to spend years of not being able to sleep anymore in my bed but instead, sleeping sitting up on my already delapitated living room sofa with my legs and feet down.

My life since then has plummeted into a spiral of failing health and isolation and loneliness. All of the bullying i had taken by that time from neighbors all around me where i live, was starting to erode my physical health and strength. Today, i am a hot mess of heart palpitations, anxiety, PTSD, and insomnia, along with my leg issues.

Today, after going through a string of several abusive caregivers, i finally have Connie as a caregiver—and she is a friend and ally to me. She has been my caregiver for almost 3 years now. It was due to her,—-on her days off,—-and a kind beat coordinator officer at my city’s local police department, that i finally got some resolve to many of my issues. Most of the bullying has now stopped, except for when one neighbor who knows my situation and who knows how to best upset me, goes to talk to them and stir them all back up against me again. Those neighbors today are still a bad problem. The street noise is still a huge sensory issue that causes me daily meltdowns. Because people drive my street like it is a raceway/highway—and it is loud. I am “blessed” with tin buildings all around, which further amplifies this noise. Cars with thunder bass systems are the topping on this nice hellish cake.

But now i am at the point where i feel nothing but depression and despair anymore. I am 56 years old and life has literally passed me by. I have never known the joy of having long lasting close warm friendships, nor been able to experience a romantic relationship. I love people, and i am a people person, but i now have a great fear—–i always have—but today it is even greater—of being abandoned—-of having people turn on me and be mean to me—-so i hide——then i latch onto certain things like certain roads, highways, and electronics—- and make them my friends. I sometimes latch onto these things with my all. Because the loneliness hurts that much sometimes.

I am too young to feel like this. I am too young to die. But i feel as if i am living on a sort of death row, because each and every day is the same damn thing, over and over again till i want to scream. I wake up, do the same things every day, and then repeat the next day over and over. I only feel happiness when Connie is here. But iam now way too afraid to venture out and do anything alone—-for fear of being misunderstood, and for fear of people getting angry and saying mean things because they don’t understand and don’t want to understand. For fear of being rejected, shunned, ignored.

I was denied lymphedema care by a home health agency yet again because the physical therapist who came to see me, deemed my Autism as not real. I had a meltdown and screamed at him to leave my house. So i continue to suffer without treatments for my legs.

I don’t know where i’m going with this blog. But i am writing it because i want to educate people to let you all know what it is like when one is left to fall through the cracks and fail, because they got thrown away time and again. Imagine your own family shunning you because you’re Autistic and they don’t get that this is not a behavioral problem, but a disability, a very real disability.

Imagine your family putting tape after tape into your head that tells you you will never have a job, you will never learn how to drive, you will never have friends, you will never have a boyfriend,——that you are less-than, because you are disabled.
That’s been my life all the way.
I also write this because i need help–and i know that help is out there for us—i just live in the wrong geographical area, ya know?
That is why i turned to the speed trailer for comfort. I was happy when it was here. Yes, it calmed the traffic way down. But i also loved sitting outside to watch it working. The way the numbers would come up, and then down, the way the fonts look that the manufacturers of this speed trailer use, the way it lights up with a bright red “SLOW DOWN” sign if people drive too fast past it—and if they drive any faster, a strip of blue and red light bars flash on it—-began to really fascinate me.
Now i don’t have the speed trailer, and now my depression is even deeper, and i have had to go back on pain medication because my right leg is now in excruciating pain all of the time.
I did make a Go Fund Me page, But i am not getting many donations.
Like i say, i don’t know where i am going with this—-just to let you know that life does not have to be this way for us. And to plead with people to please stop ignoring us. Listen to us. Accept us. Love us. We are human beings, and God didn’t make us Autistic so you could throw us away.
For anyone interested, here is my Go Fund Me page.

Broken Into Millions Of Pieces In A Long Tunnel Of No Hope In Sight

I am having yet another bad night of searing leg pain so bad i cannot sleep at all. I know this came on me because when the cops took the speed trailer this time, the mental and emotional trauma i went through, put my whole body into a shock, a mental and physical state of shock it still hasn’t recovered from.

I have no in real life local friends who will visit me, and take me places. My family still to this day shun me and think of me as a plague and a monster, with the exception of my mom and one sister in Arizona.

I am housebound stuck at home unable to go places and do things i want to do. I have spent my whole life lonely, always on the outside, being ridiculed, misunderstood, muzzled, not heard, not respected, talked over, etc. So from an early age on, i began to escape by latching onto certain roads, highways and electronics that appealed to my eye, and i would make them all into sweet cool angelic friends who all got (understood) me, and adapted me like their sister. I made this speed trailer into an imaginary friend also……..but who was very real to me. Yes, i am still able to have her in my life without the speed trailer….but it is not even close to being the same as when i imagine her being a part of that speed trailer.

In the speed trailer, she and i really had many an awesome time talking, giggling, and just being ourselves, if that makes sense. Her cuteness, wit, and sunny sweet personality, big brown eyes, and dark brunette shiny hair fit this speed trailer to a T. She also had a beautifully kind heart. She was a very compassionate soul. We were kindred spirits.

You see, i have had to live for the past 25 years in a neighborhood where i get bullied alot by the men in an auto shop across the street, ——and her presence here in the speed trailer every afternoon from 12 noon through 7 to 8 PM, was, for me a real Godsend. It got me finally to venture out of my house and sit in my front yard to enjoy watching this speed trailer working, as i would mentally in my head, talk to it (Selena). Because of this, i began to feel more relaxed and at ease, and would talk to many of the passerby who would walk by, or ride their bikes by. I even warmed up to some of my neighbors who i had previously had problems with.

Now with it again gone, i am back in my four-walled box again, afraid once again, and the street is back to the loud fast highway that i so hate.

When the police took the first speed trailer, ii wasn’t as bad because i was still able to go visit it 3 times a week, because they placed it on a local street where i could still go see and talk to Selena in that other speed trailer. This time around, they just took the trailer that they gave me this time, —-and now they are telling me that it is the one that is broken. Not the one they had originally said is broken. I can’t find out for sure though because my emails and phone calls to the traffic dept at the police station all go unanswered.

This time around is awful though, because even though i feel as though Selena still comes to see me…..i still feel an emptiness and loneliness that i cannot describe. I feel as though i lost Selena’s daily six days a week protection of me from the harsh street and the harsh mean bullies and other harsh mean neighbors. I lost my ability of being able to see her in the speed trailer. And this time around, no one will let me know what has happened to this speed trailer or even where they deployed it. I feel as though i am never going to get to see that speed radar trailer ever again. I am beside myself with distress, and i am mostly deeply depressed and don’t even want to wake up each day anymore, because he speed trailer seems to be gone forever this time.

I am broken over this. Way beyond broken. Completely broken into pieces. And i feel as though i am growing sicker and that i have grown much older than my actual age of 56.. I no longer have my beautiful afternoons with Selena in the speed trailer. I am actually deeply sick inside over this. I so wish more people would understand……especially the police. Please.

https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4

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