When You Fail To Understand

When you fail to understand that my Autism does
very much define me
When you do a something without realizing it can be a trigger for me
When you do things without asking me first
Change things on me without my consent
Or change my things around without asking me first
When you yell at me, scold me,
talk over me and then assume and judge me wrongly
then leave it all unresolved for me
No closure, just walk out on me
I am up all night crying
thinking the worst
and wanting to literally run away from my own home
At the same time i am begging for God to take me
I am not the monster you think i am
I do not act and react to manipulate and control other people
I have alot of sensory issues, many are inherent to my autism
But many are and have been brought on by a lifetime of trauma after trauma
I act and react because i am triggered
because my brain is wired differently than yours
Please, for the love of God, understand that
When upset and in distress, i am going to write about it
To educate you and others
And to help me to process through my time of upset and distress
It is NOT to slam anyone personally
It is not just because i want to hate
and put that someone or
someones on blast
I just have to write
Because i need to be heard
I need the world and those i care so deeply about
that still seems hell bent on misunderstanding me and making
us autistics out
to be the villains we know we are not,
then silencing and trying to fix, cure and erase us
To hear my words that come from my very heart and soul
THAT, my friends, is why i write
The things i am not
I am not just a “negative person”
I do not hate myself
I am the way i am due to a lifetime
of my autism being misunderstood and judged way too harshly
And me being rejected by others over
and over and over again because of my autism
I am not ungrateful
I am not selfish
I am not rude
I am not bad
I am not a terrible horrible awful this and that
I AM AUTISTIC AND I AM DOING THE UTMOST BEST THAT I CAN
WITH THE LIMITED TOOLS I HAVE IN MY TOOLBOX.
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An Open Letter From A Friend

The following is from an anonymous friend who wrote this in response to some struggles i’ve been having for awhile now. I am posting this here, for educational purposes only, to help readers gain knowledge and understanding of what being a real friend, support person, etc., to an autistic person is….how to really be here for us, how to show UP for us, how to really have our backs.

I hope this will help any of you reading this who also struggles with friendships, and maintaining friendships because a non-autistic friend does not understand. I still to this day struggle in my relationships with all people, both autistic and non-autistic, because of so many sensory issues and a lifetime of trauma i sadly, have yet to heal from.

It doesn’t make us bad people. It’s because so many people today still don’t get it that autism and autistic people are not a behavior issue to be scolded and fixed and cured. Autism is a real and valid disability.

I urge you to read this in a quiet room, with your entire attention, and then pass this on widely, because on behalf of myself, an Autistic adult, all of my fellow autistic friends, and all autistics in this world, it is time for the non-autistic world to stop seeing us as the tragedies and burdens and monsters that we are not.

Hey *******,

I am an anonymous friend of Melissa’s and wanted to reach out to talk to you. She says that you are wanting to learn more about autism and how to support an autistic person like Melissa.

Like Melissa, I am also autistic and I think I can help you to understand a little bit more if you are willing to listen.

First, I’d like to say that as her friend, it’s really important to listen to Melissa even if you don’t understand why she might have certain reactions or responses. The reason for the way an autistic person is acting is not something that can be easily explained to people who do not experience the world like we do. So, when an autistic person is reacting or behaving differently than you would, remember that’s because you are not experiencing the same things in the same way as we are. I will talk a little more about this but just wanted to say first that there might be times when you will never understand why Melissa wants things a certain way or does things a certain way, but that doesn’t really matter because she still gets the final say in her life and in her home. Melissa did say that you wanted to learn more and thinks that you are a person who really wants to help support her in a respectful way, and she wanted to try to help you understand her better. To me, that says that she thinks highly of you to devote the energy and time into helping you to understand, so I want to help her make that happen!

Autistic people experience the world differently in many ways. The primary ways that we are different from non autistic people are in the areas of communication, sensory processing and movement.

Communication:

In general, autistic people like Melissa and I might struggle a lot with what is called expressive language. Even autistics who talk a lot tend to have a hard time with identifying and expressing emotions. This is called alexithymia. It means that some emotions are hard for us to name when we are having them and there is a disconnect between the things we are feeling and how it affects our bodies and sometimes how that looks to other people. It makes it very hard to tell other people what we are feeling when we can’t figure it out ourselves. But this is not a person being difficult or manipulative just to upset you, this is how our brains are wired. Some ways that you might see this when interacting with Melissa is when she might seem to get mad out of nowhere. Well, it’s not out of nowhere. I am often accused of doing this when in reality there are a million little things that have been upsetting or distressing me and I don’t realize and name it in real time and can’t express it to people around me. Autistic people also tend to be very blunt and communicate in facts. Some people see this as rude, but to an autistic person, not saying what you mean is pretty rude too. For example, I don’t think Melissa would ever bullshit anyone and pretend something did not bother her when it did. This is something that non-autistic people do and it’s baffling. So, as you can see, the way you communicate as a non-autistic person can be just as confusing to us as our ways of communicating are to you.

Alexithymia combined with the sensory regulation issues that all autistic people experience can be quite upsetting and overwhelming. It’s important to note that what you are seeing and experiencing when an autistic person is struggling in this way is not even a fraction of what they are feeling internally.

As Melissa’s friend of many years I know that she sometimes uses images she creates on her computer, writing or even pictures she shares on Facebook to express how she is feeling sometimes. This is something that a lot of autistic people find easier than talking. So, Melissa communicates just fine in autistic ways, but what she needs from the non-autistic people around her is to know that there will sometimes be conflicts in communication since we have such different styles and ways of expressing things than non-autistic people. The key is to respect each other’s way of communicating and interacting with each other.

Sensory Processing

Autistic people all process sensory input in vastly different ways than non-autistic people do. Some people are sensory defensive and some are sensory seeking. Some are both at the same time! I know that Melissa has a terrible time with the loud noises from the cars in her neighborhood. What might seem like an annoying sound to you is PAIN to her ears, and probably would be to mine too. Melissa can probably explain better what her particular sensory issues are, because not all autistic people are the same in that way. A lot of times, there is nothing that can be done about the sensory things that hurt us. Because a lot of that is up to other people….like the car shop people, who are clearly not interested in that kind of thing. So, that is something that Melissa has to deal with on an almost daily basis and causes her intense and overwhelming pain. Sometimes, we can make workarounds and accommodations like earplugs or headphones….but sometimes those create a whole other sensory hell for us too. I know that I can’t wear earplugs but I also can’t handle lots of noise. So, it can be a very hostile world to navigate at times.

So, it’s important to understand that our experiences are probably 100% different from anything you have ever known, but that doesn’t make them less true or valid. Sometimes, when I am overwhelmed from too much sensory input I am told that I am “rude”. I don’t mean to be, and I do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings but in that moment, I am trying to lessen the pain I am feeling. So, when Melissa is overwhelmed from sensory issues this might cause a meltdown….and if you knew how much sensory pain she experienced daily that she DID NOT react to, you’d know why meltdowns happen. It’s usually the last straw when we melt down. We are not trying to be rude or cause a scene, but we are in pain and we are trying the best that we can in a world that is really pretty shitty to autistic brains.

Imagine that I accidentally dropped a giant log on your foot and at the same time you were unable for whatever reason to tell me and I didn’t notice. Then I ignored the gestures and other ways you tried to communicate that to me. Not intentionally, but I just didn’t understand. You are dealing with this log, unable to move past it and it’s causing you so much pain that you eventually start to scream at me to get the damn log off your foot. I wasn’t TRYING to cause you pain, it was all an accident. And I wasn’t TRYING to ignore your pleas, I just didn’t realize or know any better. And when you finally screamed or had enough, I just get offended that you reacted to the pain. This is how it feels to be scolded for having a meltdown…..A meltdown is a bit like that…..it’s a reaction….it’s not an intentional act to upset another person.

And I get that it can be scary for a non-autistic person. It’s scary for us when it happens to us too!

When an autistic person melts down, the best thing you can do is to not put any more demands on the person. Don’t ask a bunch of questions or yell at us, scold us or tell us what to do. The best thing you can do is just be there, without judgment and to not hold it against us in the future. Meltdowns sometimes help us process things when we are at our limit….but they are not fun, they are embarrassing and we don’t enjoy them.

Perhaps a good idea is to sit down with Melissa when she’s not upset or having a meltdown (or if she wants help, I can help her over the internet too!) and come up with a plan for what to do when this happens. I have a plan, my autistic loved one has a plan and they are helpful a lot of the time! The autistic person needs to be in charge of what happens and what the plan entails though.

Movement

Movement involves things like stimming and how we use our bodies to navigate the world. Most people stim. Autistic people do it in ways that might look a little more obvious to the outside world. It also involves the need for a LOT more downtime than most people realize.

In addition to all that, I know that Melissa has experienced trauma and as someone who understands and gets complex post traumatic stress syndrome (CPTSD), I know how disabling trauma can be. Unfortunately, most autistic people are familiar with trauma. It’s not a part of being autistic as much as it’s a part of how people treat you for being different.

One thing you have to understand about trauma is that it causes incredible anxiety. This can be seen in things like a need for routine and schedules, wanting things to be a certain way, not liking to have to deal with changes or spontaneous shifts in our routine, the need to control our environments and things around us. The trauma of repeated sensory overwhelm makes most autistic people need to have things very rigid and controlled because we don’t want to have to experience sensory overwhelm and meltdowns all the time.

Melissa has experienced a lot of emotional trauma as well, and this also results in a lot of anxiety and the need for reassurance. This is something people can work on together….for example, I will ask the same question over and over again to make sure and it makes my non autistic loved one/friend irritated. So, we have a plan that I can ask four times and that’s it and if the answer changes after the four times for any reason, this person will tell me immediately. Then I know that the answer is the same without having to keep asking because they have not told me differently yet. I know that might sound strange to others….but it has helped to have that plan in place so much. But CPTSD will manifest in many ways and it changes a lot, so that is something that Melissa deals with as well. It’s a thing we need to work on, but it also is a thing that requires understanding from the people around us and it means that building trust in relationships is even more important for people like us.

I know this is a lot, and I have a hard time getting to the point, sorry. But Melissa is very dear to me and I love her a lot. I want her to find the kind of support that she deserves and to be happy and to feel safe and secure in her home and community. That is what we all deserve. Please feel free to ask me any questions even if it takes me a minute to get back to you because I don’t have messenger on my phone. You can also text me at any time.  and I will try to help as best as I can from far away.

Thank you to my dear friend for writing this up for me.

ABA Trauma Interview

Autistic Inclusive Meets

AIM were recently contacted on our Facebook page by an autistic man named Jonathan Michael Walton. Jonathan, 30, from Bradford, UK was subjected to ABA and has now been referred by his GP for psychotherapy due to the PTSD it caused him.

He kindly agreed to be interviewed by Emma Dalmayne, and we are thankful to him for giving us this chance to show the damage compliance-based therapies do in the long term.

Emma Dalmayne: How old were you started ABA and when you finished it?

Jonathan Michael Walton: I was 8 when I started and 15 when I finished.

ED: How was it practised? For example, clickers, motivators, planned ignoring, rewards and punishments?

JMW: Using points and reward charts on my behaviour and planned punishments for trivial matters.

ED: What was it your parents were trying to make you do or achieve?

JMW:…

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Ten Phrases Used to Invalidate Autistic People

In the Loop About Neurodiversity

These sayings and others are constantly used to invalidate autistic people.

One of the most frustrating things for autistic people is to feel invalidated and feel that their experiences don’t matter. To invalidate an autistic person is to invalidate their identity, and it really hurts them. Some of these phrases are not all used with malicious intent and can unintentionally invalidate autistic people, but they are just as invalidating as those used intentionally. It is important to know what these sayings are in the first place, as some of these are commonly used and many people do not realize when they are saying something that is invalidating autistic people. So, here are ten phrases used to invalidate autistic people.

  • “Everyone’s a little bit autistic!”/”We are all on the spectrum somewhere!”

It is true that everyone is different in some way, but this does not mean that everyone is a “little…

View original post 1,770 more words

My Latest Medical Hell In The ER

TW/CW: Discussion of medical symptoms, bodily fluids, and ableism, violation of bodily autonomy, disrespect of my humanity.
In my lat blog post, i wrote about a recent scare i had when too much fluid was once again taken off of me at dialysis this past Tuesday. I got so afraid, because i could not eat or drink a thing, a huge painful gas bubble was in my upper abdominal cavity, and my urine was a dark brown color. I was also having slight dizzy spells.
I had my caregiver, Sam, take me to the hospital, to the ER, that evening.
This blog is about the ableism that occured, mainly from the first doctor and the two ER nurses i dealt with while there.
For one, i was greeted with a triage nurse who was not rude, but who wasn’t that friendly either. He took my history, my symptoms, and vitals, and let me know what all my vitals were, except for when he told me my temperature, he said it in metric form, and would not let me know what my temp was in Fahrenheit form. Then a registration person (female-presenting) took my info as well. They were friendly.
When Sam and i went back to the ER area, that was one hot mix of both bad and good. We waited like 35 minutes to be taken back to the ER room.
My first nurse was nice enough. Until later. (More on her in a bit!) But firstly i was put in an ER cubicle that was shared, not one of their many private ER rooms. And there was a woman in the first bed, along with a male presenting person who was standing and holding a 3 year old boy, who was running right into my area, and then crying so loud i could not hear my nurse or doctor. Okay, disclaimer, i love children, but the loud noise of the little boy’s crying was triggering me, as i was already a ball of anxiety and nerves, and i had to leave and get placed into another non-private ER room with two beds.
Okay, while i was still in the first ER room with the crying boy, a doctor, Dr. J., came right in, and upon haring my symptoms, he, without first asking me, reached over, grabbed my t-shirt, pulled it up, and began feeling my entire abdominal area. Then an unneccesary argument ensued when they wanted to put a catheter in me to check my urine, instead of the toilet hat they use for us fat folks that cannot do a conventional urine sample (pee in the cup). I refused the catheter, and they consented to the toilet hat.
I had Sam wheel me into the restroom, but we were unable to get the hospital wheelchair in to the restroom, so, the nurse proceeded, without warning, to lift up my legs, roughly, again, without first asking me, to move the wheelchair’s leg rests off to the side, so i could get out ad walk into the restroom. I reacted instantly by snapping at her to ask me first before just touching me. And let her know she was hurting my legs. I let her know i had lymphedema, and that her roughness could cause leg ulcers to break out on my calves where she was lifting them up.
She was not that friendly either. And she talked too loudly, so that everyone else in that whole area could hear what was going on. Isn’t that a violation of the new HIPPAH laws?
The following are copied and pasted from an actual survey i got in my email this morning from that hospital. Re-edited for clarity.
I dealt with a total of two ER nurses that night…St., and Ch.
Both nurses I dealt with were mostly condescending, and when i explained I am autistic and have certain ways I need for things to be, sensory issues, etc., (my accomodations for my disability of autism) they were both dismissive, and instead were quick to defend the rude nurses I had in a previous stay, over my valid complaints. I felt unheard, and talked down to.
In addition, when my first nurse, St, took me to the restroom, she handled my legs roughly, and without first asking me when helping me to get from the wheelchair to the bathroom.
ALL of ANY hospital’s staff needs to ask us first whenever they need to touch and move us. I believe in treating patients with utter respect and courtesy, and this means respecting our bodily autonomy. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ASK FIRST! And if we go to tell you things, do not dismiss us, and defend your staff over the feedback we give on them. That too, is dismissive.
I saw two doctors while there in their ER. The first one Dr. J, came right up and pulled the front of my t-shirt up without first asking me, to check (feel around) my abdominal area. This was invasive and a disrespect of me. While I realize he needed to check my abdominal area, he still needed to ask me first. Again, the entire ER staff need to learn to ask patients first, before you touch us. It shows respect and care for us as the human beings we are.
My second doctor, Dr. Sh, showed respect and was kind to me.

The lady dressed in a bright red pantsuit who came to draw blood for my labs was friendly and respectful.

The male-presenting individual who came to do an abdominal ultrasound, was also friendly and cool, and showed me respect.

However, I was only given partial information about my possible condition, and no one has since bothered to follow up with me from your hospital as to the FULL RESULTS of all blood tests, or the ultrasound I had while in your ER.
I was quite impressed with the courtesy and respect that both ultrasound person and person who came to draw my blood showed to me. They even asked me if i wanted the overhead lights kept off, to which i said yes, because bright overhead floursecent lights bother me greatly.

However, none of them would barely talk to, or acknowledge my caregiver and friend, Sam.

The reason I marked very poor for privacy is that I was put in two non-private ER rooms.

I was never visited by a hospital leader.
In addition, both of my nurses, which again, were St and Ch, never bothered to give me the TV Remote/Call Button, until I finally asked for it, and was given it only after I had asked for it, a full two hours after I came to the ER.

I was never offered water to drink, or a blanket, or asked if I wanted the room temperature lowered or raised. I was cold the entire time I was there.
In addition, when nurse Ch came in with Dr. Sh and a second Doctor, nurse Ch reached over and shut my entire TV OFF—–AGAIN, WITHOUT ASKING ME FIRST IF IT WAS OKAY IF THEY COULD HAVE THE TV MUTED so that we could talk. I would have been more than happy to mute the TV myself. It would have shown respect again, for my autonomy and me, as a human being whose feelings mattered to them.
Considering the overall manner I was treated by staff when i visited your ER on April 3, 2019, no, I would not recommend this ER to anyone.

I felt most unwelcomed there, like most of your ER staff that was on that night, just did not care.
—-
In closing, i am writing this, because my local hospital needs to train their staff to do all they can to make each and every visitor feel welcome in that hospital campus. The entire medical field needs to change and realize we who come seek medical help, are human, our bodies our ours, and they need to listen, hear us, and be patient and kind to us. Don’t manhandle our mobility equipment, don’t talk loudly so the whole facility can hear, and give us the choice of whether we are okay with being in a non-private ER room or not. I will wait for the private ER room, because our local hospital has a majority of their ER rooms as private.
It was strongly recommended that i be admitted that evening. But i refused, because of how i was being treated in their ER that evening.
P. S.~~~As for my condition, i recovered the next day. I could once again eat and drink, and my urine has been clear since then too. So it was dialysis related, them taking too much fluid off of me, that caused me to get sick.

A Frank Talk

TW/CW: Discussion of dying, death, and chronic illness, also ableism by medical staff at a hospital. And yes, i do discuss my faith, and belief system (mention of Christianity and Jesus, but i promise it is non-preaching.)
Last June, my world came crashing down. I was hospitalized on June 16th when my then caregiver, K, came and i was almost passed out in my chair, weak, and unable to move much. My lymphedema leg lump that is on my left inner thigh, had become red hot infected. And when i got to the ER, after they did labs on me, they said i had a severe infection in the leg lump—and—end stage stage 5 kidney disease. I was hospitalized for a total of three weeks.
Two days later, i had surgery to implant a chest catheter at the right side of the base of my neck, which goes into my heart, in order to start immediate kidney dialysis.
I’ve been on dialysis ever since, starting in the hospital, and then in center when i got discharged from the hospital July 5th.
At first, i was so devastated—and i actually went through what people go through when a loved one dies, several stages of grief—denial, anger, sadness, depression, etc. I cried alot, and often out of the blue, i would burst into tears. This was so new and terrifying to me. I even called one of my siblings and left them a long message to let them know, i don’t hate them, and why i felt led to tell my story online in 2010—that my intention was not to put them on blast to hurt them, but to make them aware of how the way i was treated had a great profound, sadly, negative affect my life, and to educate others going through the same with their families, and to show others they are not alone.
But right away, i was met with a team of two nephrologists, who talked to me in depth about what i was to expect. Since my labs were stable, i was allowed to still eat mostly normally, just go light on foods with phospherous, potassium, and sodium. They told me they would have my back, and that the kidney center i would be going to for my dialysis would have my back.
I loved going to dialysis right off the bat. Most of the staff have been so supportive of me, and i have even made many friends and allies among them. I even created a cool new imaginary friend out of my dialysis machine, to help me to cope with having to go there for 4 hours three days a week, who is also a real ally, even though she is not real.
Okay, let’s get to the point of this story. Kidney disease IS a killer. It is eventually fatal. The dialysis machine, our second kidney, acts as our kidney, when our kidneys can no longer do their work to cleanse the toxins from our bodies. But with kidney disease, comes the risk of heart attack, cardiac arrest, stroke, infection of the access site, whether chest catheter, fistula, or AV graft, and damage to other internal organs.
Twice now, during dialysis, i have experienced an episode where i get a weird feeling all over, a huge gas bubble forms in my upper abdominal cavity underneath my breasts, my urine turns dark brown, and i cannot eat or drink a thing until the gas bubble and nausea slowly passes. This happened a month ago when they took off way too much fluid for my body to handle, then it happened again yesterday.
Lat night i felt i needed to go to the ER. There, i was treated to first one doctor and nurse, who without asking me first, pulled up my shirt to feel my abdominal area. That is a real invasion of my own body, to get touched without first asking. Doctors and nurses do this all the time, and it is downright disrespectful. Then the first nurse, also without asking me, lifted my legs from the wheelchair foot rests, was rough about it, and i told her to stop and ask me first, and to be gentle with me.
I stayed there for over four hours, only so they could get a urine sample, which by the way, never got tested, then blood was drawn, six vials in all. They also did a complete ultrasound of my entire abdominal area. But the way i felt like i was being unheard by the nurses and the first doctor, i refused to let them admit me. If i need to go back to a hospital, it won’t be this one in Santa Maria, it will be one in San Luis Obispo that has an excellent patient centered reputation. I just didn’t feel like i would be accomodated this time at our hospital…so i had Sam, my caregiver and friend, bring me back home.
I am able to sip small amounts of water now as of this morning. And update: I ate an entire Solo cup of Rice Krispies with 2% lowfat milk, and a sliced apple. my urine looks clear and light-colored again.
The prospect that i could die soon, is once again hitting me hard—and it scares me shitless. While i have never turned my back on my faith and Christianity (Jesus), since i have been woken about so many things, i no longer feel it is respectful or appropriate to those with different beliefs and faiths, and those who aren’t into faith, to proselytize. I never was a Bible thumper, but i did used to post alot of Christian themed memes when i first came onto Facebook, mainly out of guilt that if i didn’t post them i wasn’t a true believer—that i was denying my faith is Jesus. I still profess Jesus as my savior who died for me so i could have eternal life, but i also respect all of you who believe differently, are Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, or no faith in any God at all. I was hurt greatly in so many churches i went to, and i never want to be that kind of person who hurts others. I bring this up, because of the fact that i know i am dying, and there is a huge part of me that fears i may go to hell when i die—because i still cuss like a sailor, i still get pissed off, royally pissed. But ya know what? I now know anger is a valid emotion, and some people do not deserve our forgiveness. I know hell on top of all of the earthly hell i have already been through, would be the unwanted icing on the cake for me.
Sigh—-i don’t know where i am going with this talk. I just know i am real, and i just want to know that i made some kind of a difference in other people’s lives before i do leave this earth. And i want to live on after i die, in a happy place–whether it be Heaven, or in a new earthly life. Knowing that, would help to alleviate much of my fear of dying.
And i would rather die where i feel safe dying. Not with harsh nurses that don’t give two fucks about me, but with the people who i love, who love me. Like my now caregivers, Sam and Iris.
To all of you, my friends here on Facebook, to the ones who are not on my friends list now, but who i still remember with love and gratitude, to the few local friends i have, i thank you all for the love and support you’ve all given to me, for having my back, and for helping to wake me the fuck up about so many things i used to believe in, but don’t anymore because i now see so many truths that i didn’t see before. I have been awakened to the knowledge that i am both bi-sexual and non-binary/queer. I thank you all for enriching my life so much, for the true treasures you all have been and still are to me today.
I love you all, friends. Each and every one of you. To the moon and stars and back, i love you all so very very much. Your light will shine on me forever and ever and ever.
I wish i had enough time left to help bring this nation we live in to a place of true love, peace and well-being for all of its people, including our most vulnerable, elderly and disabled people, People of Color, LGBTQIA, Neuroqueer, Autistic/Disabled, Muslim, Jewish, Black, Latinx, Mexican, Puerto Rican, Asian, everyone. A place where healthcare is a fundamental human right. Where disabled people start being truly accepted, included and accomodated and part of the national conversation. Where gay and transgenders can feel safe walking down the street. Where an elderly grandmother can know she can get her meds, pay her rent, monthly bills, or stay in her home that she still owns, where Muslims and Jewish people can worship without fear of a mass shooter gunning them down. Where there is no more gun culture, period. Where no more Black youth get shot and killed. Where hate is stamped down. I would work for a nation that is no longer thought of as a cruel nation.
In the meantime, i am not dead yet. As long as i still breathe, i will spend my very last spoon defending my friends and my community. I will hold space for all of you. I will do what i can to spread the causes of love, truth, and justice.
Love and peace and light,
Melissa Fields, Still Here