I Don’t Want To Be Alone Anymore

From two Facebook posts i made just now……

Post One

I had a VERY weird dream while i slept. it was a nightmare, in fact.

I dreamed that i was alone here. Connie had gone home. It was night, but strangely still light outside, and it was overcast, misty, and wet outside. In fact, the outside had the blue tint of dusk settling in when it’s cloudy and overcast.

Suddenly i saw a group of cars crowd outside where the appliance shop used to be, and all over the street. Then i heard a gunshot, followed by someone yelling in pain. Then another gunshot, followed by another yell from that person, who had a male voice.

I got scared, frightened, but couldn’t move out of my chair where i was sleeping. I was literally paralyzed in fear.

I finally managed to get out of my chair and use my computer chair to block my view so no one from outside could see me, and i tried my best to call 911. I got a male presenting dispatcher, but could not hear them.

Suddenly, one of the bad men came into my carport and began to banshee yell and kick the outer security door on the door to my middle room. He kept kicking the door and yelling. Then more of them came right into my yard.

I tried again to get 911 on the phone and couldn’t even get my words out.

I awoke from this dream at 11:32 PM, to find that my small alarm clock was blinking. Which meant i must of had a power glitch while i was asleep. My clock on my answering machine was fine, and my DR showed no interruptions in the recording of the two newscasts i record every night to watch when i wake from my after dinner sleeptime.

I have come to the conclusion that i don’t want to live alone anymore.

ESPECIALLY NOT HERE in this neighborhood where i do have neighbors who do NOT have my back at all….but neighbors who are mostly all either the type to not get involved, or they are the mean ones who torment and bully me.

I at least want to live where i have nice neighbors surrounding me who are the kind who will adapt me and actually look out for me, while i still live in my own house. Then it won’t be so bad living in my own house by myself.

I am ALL alone tonight, and yes, i am scared right now.

Post Two

I am really having a bad night tonight. My TV reception began cutting out, searching for satellite signal was coming on, TV screen pixelating and freezing,—-and it isn’t even stormy here—-AT ALL!!!!

It’s fine now, not doing it anymore—– but yeah—after the nightmare i just had, and discovering that my power had glitched while i was sleeping, well, everything is spooking me right now and yes, i AM all alone here, isolated with no one nearby in this neighborhood to call if i have problems—yes, i could call Connie if i have real problems, but i don’t want to ruin her sleep just because tonight i happen to be scared and need someone here to be with me because i am just scared.

I just don’t like how i am feeling tonight.

I want to cry.

I really do want to move where i have nice neighbors around me day and night who will care and look out for me. I don’t want to live in this aluminum hot rod and mean bully alley anymore.


Last Year, Versus This Year

Yes, this is another political rant. Because it’s relevant to my life and the livs of my disabled/Autistic comrades.

Last Year

Barack Obama, our 44th president, paved the way, and opened many doors for us.
*Same sex marriage is now legal in all 50 states.
*He signed legislation making it illegal to discriminate against LGBTQIA people.
*He wanted universal healthcare for all.
*He wanted to expand both Social Security and Medicare.
*He lowered interest rates so that more people could afford to buy homes.
*He made the Affordable Care Act the law of the land. No, it’s not perfect, and it is fixable, but it should NOT be taken away again.
*He was working to bring back community policing.
*And childcare for single working mothers.
*He did away with the subminimum inhumane wages that employers were getting away with paying Disabled people and did much to improve the rights of Disabled people, and strengthen the Americans With Disabilities Act.
Now, unfortunately, a *creature* has taken over who threatens all of this and even more devastating actions that will threaten the lives of poor people, Muslims, Disabled people, elderly people, veterans, women, People Of Color, LGBTQIA people, and even the very fabric of our Constitution itself.
Even freedom itself.
I refuse to let that creature win. I will die fighting him.
I will fight for our Democratic party to rise up and become our party again.
Though i am not able to give financially, or march in protests, i can still speak out as long as i have the internet and a computer.
I am a proud progressive liberal who will not rest until i see the above things i listed be the law of the land.
The rich and wealthy should all be made to pay more taxes, because they can afford it—-so that all of us can have decent lives who otherwise would not be able to have decent lives. Poor people. Elderly people. Disabled people. Veterans. Children.
So that our aging and crumbling infrastructure can be repaired and rebuilt.
So that this nation can become a place where all of us can be truly free to pursue life, liberty, happiness, and success.
So that our nation will become truly inclusive of everyone, whether Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Muslim, Agnostic, Atheist, heterosexual, LGBTQIA, People Of Color, Disabled, Elderly, children, Hispanic, Middle Eastern, and so on.
I will not stop fighting for these things, because we have come a long way.
And i’m not going to lie; we still have a long way to go.
But we cannot afford to go back to things the way they were before Barack Obama became our 44th and best president, ever.
We cannot afford to go back to the way things were before we had a good social safety net for our most vulnerable citizens.
We cannot allow this creature to wall us in and prevent people from coming to The United States Of America to have a better life.
We also cannot ignore the racism, violence, racial profiling, and murders of Black people that is still continuing to happen.
So we fight.
And we fight as hard as we can. Doing what we can do and are able to do.
We cannot let that authoritarian creature win.

This Year

And one year later, now that the neon orange creature has been here one full year, he has worked to dismantle many of the good things Obama did for us.

*He took us out of the Paris Climate Accord.
*He has managed to piss off every one of our allies, and alienating us from these countries for the first time ever.
*He has dismantled the Iran Agreement.
*He has dangerously escalated tensions between us and North Korea, and now, for the first time since WWII, we face the threat of nuclear annihilation.
*He has repeatedly come to the defense of Neo-Nazi, and white supremacist groups who are hell bent on violence towards those who are Jewish, Muslim, and PoC.
*He enacted a racially motivated travel ban against seven Middle Eastern countries, even though none of them pose any threat to our country.
*He tried, unsuccessfully, to ban transgender people from serving in our military.
*He has dismantled hundreds of Federal protections for LGBTQ people, PoC, Seniors, Disabled people, veterans, food safety, and our environment itself.
*He signed a tax bill that is set to go off a like a bomb within two years or less, and start hurting, gravely hurting, those who are poor children, PoC, veterans, disabled, elderly and middle class people. The rich and wealthy? Will never be affected by this Draconian tax scam bill—in fact, they will prosper even more, off the backs of all the rest of us.
*He is set to dismantle net neutrality
*He is set to dismantle heating assistance for poor people.
*He wanted to do away with Meals On Wheels for seniors, also. I don’t know if he has succeeded in doing that or not.
*He has tried several times to repeal the Affordable Care Act, plus gut Medicaid for over 800 million poor, elderly, and disabled Americans.
*He has cruelly ignored the plight of Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria devastated the tiny island, instead, he mocked them and mocked and then snubbed the mayor of San Juan. He thought it was “cute” to stand there and throw rolls of paper towels into a crowd of Puerto Rican citizens, and called it helping. HA! 
*He has done away with DACA, and now as of March, if no one steps in to save DACA, millions of Dreamers who came here as children, will be forced to go back to countries they don’t know, because they were brought here as infants and toddlers.
*He is set to weaken the Americans With Disabilities Act.
*He has already signed legislation making it harder for nursing home residents and their families to file abuse complaints.

*He is set to turn our entire coastlines into unisghtly oil drilling machines, where instead of clean ocean waters, you will now see rows and rows of oil drilling rigs dotting the horizon. This will further pollute Mother Earth.
*He is set to also turn much of our protected lands, and even National Park lands into oil drilling fields.

One year later, and the damage has already begun.

What I Posted For This Year’s Disability March

The following is a blog post i posted for this year’s Disability March. I hope you will give this a read, and share.

Thanx!! 🙂


“Time to Listen”: Autism and the simplicity of relationships

Thirty Days of Autism

It is the end of my day… I am home from work. It was a good day.

I taught a little girl, who is struggling in so many areas, to tie her shoes… and it gave me goosebumps. I can actually teach anyone who can do the first step and cross the laces and loop it under and tighten it… to tie their shoes. No. Seriously. Anyone! And someday I will do a post about that… which I am stating here as my commitment to do so!

Anyway, today I got home, riding my shoe-tying high, and when I looked at Craig the Amazing I could sense that he might be on the edge of frazzled. He is working so hard as the home facilitator for H’s distance education schooling. He is doing a fabulous job… but it is hard work… some days are really hard work.


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Being Alone At Christmas-My Story In Posts

I am so not okay. A deep Christmas depression has set in, bc i am all alone today.
I hate it that i am all alone.
I hate it that none of my siblings even bother to send a measley Christmas card to me, let alone call me.
I can;t take the loneliness much longer…..
My sister and her family, one of the two with whom i am estranged from, moved to Idaho in March 1991.
My mom and dad moved to Idaho in April of 1996.
My other ex-nice sister moved in with my parents with her daughter, one month later.
My baby brother and his family moved to Idaho in 1996 as well.
My nice sister moved to Arizona in 2001.
My eldest brother moved to Idaho in 2004.
His daughter, my niece, moved in with them a few years later.
I have one brother left here in Santa Maria. His two grown boys live in Fresno and Bakersfield.
None of them except my mom and sister in Arizona, acknowledged me this year, and they never do.
my other ex nice sister used to email and talk to me all of the time too.
But now, even she has turned her back on me, bc she says her health is now so bad, my meltdowns would kill her.
I so wish with all my heart, another nice family would adopt me.
I cannot stand the loneliness i feel today on this Christmas Eve.
If you are reading this and you know of someone in your neighborhood who is a shut in and who will most likely be alone at Christmas, please go visit them, bring them dinner cookies, or just you so that they will have an actual person to talk to.
To all of you in my family who are afraid to interact with me because i may just have one of my meltdowns,  please know, for one, my meltdowns don’t just come out of the blue. There is always a reason for my meltdowns.
But none of you seem to even want to get to know your sibling/aunt. To find out that you don’t have to be afraid of me. That my #Autism is not so scary. To find out my being Autistic is not a bad thing. To find out that i am not wrong, a burden or damaged goods. I am just #Disabled.
That is why i told my story online. So all of my family would read, understand, and their hearts would soften. I also told my story so that others would understand that we Autistics have real stories to tell. That we are not the “behavior” problem you may think we are.
I invite you to Google Neurodiversity and #ActuallyAutistic. Google a blog called Autistic Hoya. You will get to know why i was the way i was as a child and teenager growing up in the Fields family. Maybe you’ll discover the sister/aunt you felt you never had in the process.
I want to add this to my blog….
I don’t always know the right words to say to a friend who is hurting, but by God, if i ever say anything that makes any of you feel invalidated, or like i am silencing you or being dismissive of you, PLEASE call me on it!
I know the holiday season can be, and is rough, even unbearably rough for many people, and it is for myself. I just want to let you all know, i hold you in my space. I witness your pain, and your hurt, especially if you are all alone, and maybe your family has shut you out. I witness you, and i validate that pain and hurt—-it’s not you, believe me, because you matter to those of us who are your true friends—-it is on those who made you hurt, those who made you feel excluded, dismissed, silenced and unheard.
I love you, my friends. I really do, and if you are hurting tonight, i am offering you hugs.   
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Holidays!   

An Open Letter To The US House Of Representatives

Sunday, December 3, 2017

Dear US House and Senate both,

Re: Tax Reform Bill

My name is Melissa Fields. I live in Santa Maria CA. This is my story.

I am 57 years old, and #Disabled. I am Autistic and also physically disabled due to debilitating hip, back, and knee pain, plus chronic lymhedema on both of my legs. In addition, I have a large lymphedema lump on the inside of my left thigh that is literally larger than the size of a basketball. It is every bit as firm as a basketball too. This greatly limits my mobility.

I am disabled by many Autistic sensory issues, to certain types of noise, touching certain things/foods, harsh lighting, certain music, and being around people when they are rude and unfriendly. I am also disabled because I can barely walk and badly need more than just my quad cane and walker to get around. I also have issues with executive functioning.

I have never been able to work at a job my entire life because my above disabilities have prevented me from being able to secure and keep a job.

I have lived on SSI, then Social Security Survivor’s benefits my entire adult life. In addition, I also depend on both Medicare and Medicaid for my healthcare, and in home caregiver that comes to help me six days a week.

In addition, the Olmstead Law has allowed me to be able to enjoy living in my own small cottage. My Section 8 Public Housing Assistance helps me so I can actually afford to pay my rent each month. A CARE discount that I get each month also allows me to be able to afford to pay my monthly utilities. I am proud that I have been able to live on my own without much undue hardship for the past 30 years of my life. Before my lymphedema got bad, I even drove and had a car from 1990 till 2012.

I am writing this on behalf of myself and all of my friends in the Disability Community who, like me, either cannot work, or who are going to school or through Vocational Rehabilitation, in an effort to gain employment.

I am writing on behalf of my Disabled friends who already are working, but still need help with healthcare, necessary medications, mobility equipment and personal care so they can keep their jobs.

I am writing this on behalf of all veterans who have fought for this country who need services.

I am writing on behalf of senior citizens who depend on Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, Housing, and other vital programs that help with their quality of life. And yes, I fall into this category now.

Please don’t let this tax bill become law the way it is written. If it does, you will be forcing all of us who are poor, Disabled, elderly, etc. into grave undue hardship, homelessness, and death. Many will have to drop out of school, and stop working, and those of us who cannot work, who depend on our social safety net for our very survival, will be plunged into utter devastation and despair. Many of us, like myself, have no family to help us if this should happen.

If i don’t have personal in home care, I will cease to live.

Please. I urge you to think of the millions of real human beings this tax bill will be hurting. Please don’t cut Medicare and Medicaid. or Housing. Or tax those of us who can least afford it.

I am all for tax reform—but only the kind of tax reform that is truly just and fair for ALL of us.Me on September 27, 2014-2

I’m Still Not Okay–It’s Not Okay To Shut Doors On An Autistic Adult Who Needs Your Help

I’m still not okay.

Ppl don’t realize that when your job is to help others, to protect and serve, and you deliberately shut the door on someone seeking help bc their head is literally being blown apart by bass so sonically loud it may as well be inside of my house on max volume, that you may of just re-traumatized that person when they already have trust and confidence issues with police. Because of the way i’ve already been treated by so many police officers.

I want to move far away from this town, its police, its redneck politics!!!