Today Was One Of The Worst Days For Me

The following is taken from an eariler post that i posted on my wall today, plus some things a new friend and ally who i am growing to really love, as she really gets what i am going through, wrote to me today, articulating and validating my feelings my feelings.

I have been a wreck since the police came and took the Wanco speed trailer off of my street, as many of you know. The police are now totally ignoring my emails and phone calls that i make to them pleading for their mercy and continued help, and to have the Wanco radar trailer placed back on my street.

I am now in the process of creating a GoFundMe with both short term and long term goals—-and am creating it with the hopes that the end result will be my getting moved to a quiet location where i can finally have my peace and my sense of safety and sanctuary back.

My post……with explanations added for clarity…..

Weds., June 1, 2016 at 8:18 PM

“I have been having the evening from hell so far. It is just now calming down.

The street has been loud and fast freeway style driving in a 25 MPH zone all day today and this evening. I have had multiple meltdowns over just that alone.

(And even more meltdowns over my next door neighbor’s inconsiderate daughter’s actions, and the car club.)

The car club is here now too. They announced their presence with their loud God-awful vibrating thunder bass….that brought about more meltdowns.

Then my neighbor’s daughter decided to start her truck up and sit in it, letting it idle so long that my house was filled with the exhaust fumes, and making me cough. More meltdowns.

(The loud bass, followed by the neighbor’s daughter’s toxic truck fumes, made me really scream in agony!!)

The speed radar trailer they put here 7 days ago, has never been turned on, and still has not been turned on as of now. I have gone downhill mentally and physically ever since the police’s traffic sergeant ordered the Wanco yanked from my street on April 26th. I feel it not only calmed the traffic down, but it became a friend to me in that i actually for the first time, felt safe enough to start venturing out of my house to sit in a chair on my front lawn to watch it flash and blink. it gave me a sense of comfort that no NT can understand.

Now the cops are totally ignoring me. And i am continuing to suffer each day. I have gone back to dreading having to wake up from sleeping……this can’t go on. I can’t go on like this. I want out of this whole town because i do not feel like i am welcome here.

I am in sheer agony still tonight. I badly need a way OUT!!!!!!!!”

My friend’s messages to me:

“Hey Melissa! First– I want to say, we *need* to get you out of there. I’m willing to help you get a GoFundMe going and have you okay whatever is said in the description before it goes up. I think we need to think in terms of your short-term survival, and long-term. In the short term, we should raise funds to get speed bumps put in place. If anyone speeds through your neighborhood at that point, they do so at their own peril. They will be in for a nasty shock, and if they know what’s good for them, they’ll quit speeding ASAP.

Then– we need to get you a housing/moving/basic care fund going. You and I can discuss where, if anywhere, you’d feel more comfortable moving away to.”

To which i replied that i felt the Wanco speed trailer would be much better than speed bumps, because it has a giant electronic sign with big bright bold amber colored fonts, and that i needed the Wanco back on my street, both for my peace of mind and to calm down the traffic, because it worked really well when it was here!!

She wrote back:

“I think you and I both know this current speeding/neighbor/living situation is destroying your physical and mental well being.

And you’ve endured all of that for far too long.

It is not humane for you to have to live in these conditions.”

She also wrote:

“We could try to raise money to have two permanent Wanco speed trailers on your street. (One on each side) I don’t think that’s too much to ask. All the cops have to do is set (them) up, acknowledge it’s your private property, and leave them be”

She went onto say this, and this is the God’s honest truth:

“I just want to say– the empath in me hurts for you intensely. I see you posting so much about how much you’re suffering, every day, multiple times a day, because of the horrible speeding issues on your street……I relate a great deal to how you’re trying to cope with a (screwed) up world. You do (what other Autistics with PTSD and who have been bullied so much) often do– fixate on something. In your case, it’s the Wanco speed radar. Your logic makes a lot of sense on that, actually. You had that speed trailer there, and finally felt you had some control in your life over a daily, painful issue– speeders with their loud, obnoxious hot rods.

And (when you had the Wanco speed trailer there) you felt safe enough after years of isolation to go out your front door– and breathe actual fresh air. And I’d call anything/anyone who gave me that much peace of mind a friend, too.

You also have your a****** neighbors who f****** traumatized you to the point you were terrified to leave your house alone. That’s completely f****** unfair to you– and horrendously abusive of them.

So, there’s all these elements at play, all different flavors of anxiety and depression. And your physical and mental well being are the price for your a-hole neighbors and inconsiderate drivers.

If I were in your shoes? I’d want to flee. Get out. But you don’t have the financial privilege to flee. So that’s where the GoFundMe comes in. We’re bailing you out. You’ve endured that bullshit way too long.”

She also said:

“And I also think you and I know exactly what the police department is thinking with all of this. They’re thinking with their NT brains, and also thinking about all the other police work they have to do. They’re like “maybe she’ll stop calling if we just leave this speed trailer here.” They got exactly half of that equation right– maybe less. They gave you a speed trailer– but didn’t turn it on.

That’s why (having the Wanco there, and turned ON, working properly) made you feel calm. Because people drive by, see how fast they’re driving, and slow down.”

(My words…how can they obey a speed radar trailer that is just a blank black screen, that is not turned on?)

Back to my friend’s words:

“And of course, one part of the equation they’ve majorly (screwed) up is in being empathetic to your issues.

Because, they’re ignoring you.

And that’s not easing your mind.”

No, it is not easing my mind. It is making me feel all alone and isolated again, and like i am being forced to endure more suffering because the police somehow feel i “choose” to live in this cess pool.

Little do they know that being i have been on Section 8 and Social security all of my adult life unable to work to become self-supporting, to be able to realize ever, my lifelong dreams and goals, that i have been stuck having to live here due to no way out….and when is this hell and torment ever going to end for me? 

I can only hope that someone with legal expertise can see my plight…..and that the police are denying me their services, because they seem to think i am just a nuisance…..and help me to get the help i need, then i can get the money to finally be able to move out of here.

Please Let Me Have This Speed Trailer Back

I really do regret having to move here in May of 1991. I was doing so well before i moved here. Living here has been my undoing….on all levels.

Today, i am an emotional and mental mess ever since the police came and took the Wanco speed radar trailer away that was calming my street down, and that brought me great comfort, because it became a friend who, to me, was very real.I know how it feels to get so attached to something and then have an NT who does not understand why that thing meant so much to you, coldly yank it away because they seem to have no heart and feels for Autistic people who live where they are and have been bullied so much that they don’t feel safe or welcome in their own home.

I would hope that if i was a police officer, that i would be sensitive to the needs of those who seek my help. I could never take someone’s teddy bear away that they counted on for comfort and security.That speed monitor was my teddy bear, a teddy bear that i needed—and still need at this season of my life.

When they moved it to my side of the street, i began to get out of my house to go sit in a folding chair on my lawn so that i could watch it, and that actually made my swollen and disfigured lymphedemic legs feel better, and made it easier for me to walk.

I so wish with all of my heart that they would let me have the Wanco speed trailer back….and then during that time, that i will win the lottery so i can finally move to a place where i will feel safe and secure and welcome in my own home.

Putting This Into A Blog, Because I Need Help!!

The following are my latest correspondences with the local police concerning my living environment and how my quality of life has suffered having to live trapped here in an unhealthy neighborhood full of noises that are like drill bits, and whips….noises that vibrate inside of my head, making me scream hysterically to make it stop…..please, make this stop….

I wrote these emails over the course of the past few days this week…..and putting them in this blog so that people can better understand and get what we as Autistics, go through when the system fails to give us the help we need…..and the help is inconsistent…..

————————————————

Dear K and J,

I feel as if i am being ignored again…..the car club is here right now, and they keep turning on their loud thunder bass. It is bad, it is vibrating my whole house. 

 

I have a new speed radar trailer, but it is dead….it is not working at all. It is the RU2Systems one. My whole street is unbearably loud, with both the car club’s bass and loud hot rods. Please get this stopped. 

 

Please get me a beat coordinator who will work with me like J did…..please get me the Wanco speed trailer back. I need the car club to stop the loud bass party and i need my happy back. I am literally not doing well right now because of the out of control raceway and the car club. 

 

The Wanco speed trailers aren’t even up on Alvin and East Fesler now so i can go see them there anymore.

 

Sorry, i am just having a bad time of it right now. I am having meltdowns right now because the car club keeps turning on their bass, and the speed trailer is not working.

 

I badly need a miracle….to win the Powerball lottery so i can finally make a move out of here. I so wish i could move from this hell hole today. I so hate it here. It has ruined my health, and is killing me, because when i meltdown, my heart palpitates, and i can’t even eat, as i get sick to my stomach. My throat actually sometimes bleeds from all of the screaming i do when i am melting down.

 

Also, my mom tried to talk to a watch commander just now….time 5:50 PM,…and he was very rude to her. But she called L and L is getting someone over here.

 

Please forgive me for this rant. I am not crazy; i promise. I am just an Autistic and physically disabled adult who is housebound and has no way to get away from here like i used to, so hot roddig and bass gets to me triple bad.

 

And, as an Autistic, i get fixated and attracted to certain roads, highways, and electronic things. The Wanco speed trailers being included in that. Please understand. I fervently hope i will get one of the Wanco ones back soon. Please.

 

Thank you both, and God bless both of you,

Melissa

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Dear J and K,

 

This is the transcript of the blog i wrote this morning.

 

Am I Okay?

 

Is it silly for me to be so fascinated by a speed radar trailer that i have to take drives to see it at least three times a week, that i have to post picture after picture of it, and that i get so excited to sit in front of it and see how it displays each person’s speed in real time, and how it flashes when people go over the speed limit?

Or am i okay?

I have even made an imaginary friend out of this speed trailer and have been a state of real deep mourning ever since they came and took it off of my street on April 26th. It had been here on my street for a month, and it helped!!

I have actually been bombarding both the police commander and my beat officer with numerous emails begging them to put it back on my street, ever since they came and took it away.

Not only did it calm the traffic….and my meltdowns down, its presence was a real comfort to me.

It is my honest opinion that police departments need to be understanding towards Autistic people. My hugest dream is to see this world be a much more inclusive, friendly and accomodating place for us. That is my mission in life.

It is hard, if not impossible, for an Autistic person to adjust and adapt to an NT world that thinks in black and white and everyone being able to fit into neat little circles when some of us are square and triangular and diamond-shaped .

Because life has grey areas, i am sorry, but it does. And many of us who are neurodivergent are diamond, square, rectangular, triangular, hexagonal, and so on, shaped.

There is nothing wrong with that, or us.

I was created by God and put on this earth by Him/Her/Them as an Autistic for a reason, plus given the gift of writing, so i could educate and open people’s eyes, minds and hearts….that we who are Autistic, are not faulty broken appliances, or behavior problems to be solved, cured, and fixed….we are Disabled and unique human beings with a neurology that has to be considered, accepted, and embraced.

Because God makes no mistakes.

———————————————————

Hi K and J,

 

I want to clarify and explain few things about me, please. 

 

Firstly, i apologize for the way the above email was phrased…..i was in a full-on sensory overload/ meltdown mode when i wrote that, because the car club was right next door to me at the time, “seranading” me with their loud thunder bass. 

 

Secondly, i want to thank you both for getting me another speed trailer. I do appreciate that you got it here for me, and got the big one that didn’t work, removed. I was mainly so upset to see that this one is still currently not working either. Even so, i am still grateful it is here. Last night, my mother called Dispatch to report that it is not working, so i am confident that someone will come to activate it today. She also called about the bass at the car club. L has been very nice to her. 

 

If i am unable to get the Wanco, and have to have this speed trailer for awhile till i can get the Wanco one back, i am honestly okay with that, as long as i can go “visit” the Wancos where they’re at now; 

as long as someone comes and activates the trailer i have now so it will work to slow drivers down, 

and as long as i know i will get the Wanco one back again soon. 

 

I do not mean to come off as rude, demanding, or pesty, please know that. My circumstances are awfully unbearable, as i am now housebound due to my legs. I am unable to drive right now, or get out and even walk like i would love to be able to do because of my legs. I rely on what my caregiver is able to do for me, and i am greatly limited now, an Autistic adult, with deteriorating physical health, scared, lonely, alone, so yes, that is why i latch onto things like the Wanco trailer—–and why i made it my friend. 

 

Please imagine what it would be like being neurologically wired Autistic and being housebound, losing all of the freedoms and independence you once had, and being forced to listen, day in and day out, to the types of loud noises that are actual painful sensory issues to you….would you not probably try to retreat into a safe place in your head to cope, too? That is exactly what i did with the Wanco trailer. It became an instrument of comfort to me, my friend who i could “talk” to.

It does not mean i am crazy —-i have used this coping mechanism to get through a very hard life of 56 years of being misunderstood, rejected, thrown away, and abused a great deal by family, schoolkids, teachers, a series of very bad caregivers, abusive friendships that traumatized me, and even some of the police i have dealt with who have scared the living daylights out of me. The LV experiences still haunt me to this day, as does the awful encounter i had with NC, and awful phone calls with DP.

 

Because…most people don’t “get” Autistic people, even in 21st Century Now.

 

So, this is where i am at in life. I am playing the Powerball, because i need that miracle to happen, or i will unfortunately continue to have to stay here trapped having to live in a place that has become a hell hole. I am unable to sleep, and when i do, i have frequent nightmares. I didn’t have as many when J was working with me, and i had the Wanco trailer here.

 

I hope me explaining all of this helps you both to understand me better and why i became attached to the Wanco speed trailer.

 

Thank you for reading this, and for understanding. God bless both of you, K and J!!!

 

Sincerely,

Melissa

———————————————————–

Hi K and J,

I just woke up for my day, and looked and saw that this speed radar trailer is still not working at all. It still will not light up for anyone going by. What is going on with this? Please answer me. I am scared i’m going to have another repeat of yesterday!!😥 Melissa

————————————————————

Dear K and J,

My street right now is over the top unbearable……..with nothing but cars going at double the speed limit and the sound is an awful screaming sound i can’t stand to hear anymore. The speed radar trailer that is on my street right now is not working, not lighting up at all……please…..are you even reading my pleas for help anymore?????????????? I can’t bear this anymore, PLEASE, in the name of all that is holy and heavenly, PLEASE have mercy on me and get me a speed trailer that works properly, that lights up, that tells these reckless drivers to “SLOW DOWN”!!!!Please…..i am going crazy, i am in tears, and screaming right now…..please God in Heaven, make K and J hear my cries and get this (out of control) street calmed down……

—————————————————

i badly need day and night extra patrol, and a properly working speed monitor here, please!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!😥😥😥😥😥

————————————————————–

J and K,

The car club came back again tonight complete with the loud thunder bass yet again……dark beige Chevy or GMC suburban with tinted windows just went in and out, with their bass wide open UP……vibrating my entire house…….please……i need a new beat coordinator who will work with me……i need the Wanco speed trailer again……please, i beg of you both!!!!!! I am in sheer agony again!!!!!! I want to run away!!!!! I SO want to just run AWAY!!!!!!!

————————————————–

Having meltdowns now, so i can’t type well…..i meant to say another beat coordinator who will work with me and be as kind, compassionate and understanding of my plight as J has been with me. Scared i am going to hear even more bass. This is utter hell that i cannot escape…..😥

—————————————————

Dear K and J,

 

I am writing this in the spirit of me just trying to get back to how safe and calm i was beginning to feel in my own home when:

 

*J was my beat coordinator, 

 

*when J was coming to visit me once every week to talk to me and listen to me, really listen to me, 

 

*when J was getting me regular afternoon and nightly extra patrols, 

 

*when J was actually having people from both (the auto shop) and the car club getting pulled over and cited for their loud mufflers and atrociously loud bass,

 

*i knew J really understood and got me, and i felt safe and accepted around him,

 

*when i had the Wanco speed radar trailer here.

Ever since J got promoted, i have once again lost all of that, and as a Disabled Autistic adult who has no choice but to live in this unhealthy environment because i do not have the money to be able to afford to move to a place that is sensory friendly and quiet,

—-and who is housebound on top of that—- 

finding myself back to square one, makes me feel a distress and depression so deep, i am getting physically ill, every day now. 

I am having loud screaming meltdowns every day again. Meltdowns that are leaving me totally drained and sick. I am back to not being able to sleep, and when i do sleep, i am having terrible nightmares.

 

The car club is once again coming back right after my caregiver leaves each night, and they are once again back to using the driveway that is right close to my house to ingress and egress their rental unit that they rent. They are gunning their motors, and turning up the bass again so loudly, right by my house, and then they leave as slowly as they can so that it prolonges the agony i experience of having to hear that awful bass. It turns me into a screaming hysterical mess because those noises vibrate inside my head and ears. And they vibrate my entire house.

 

My street, especially in the mornings between 7 and 10 AM, at the noon hour from about 11 AM to 2 PM, and evenings between 3 and 8 PM, is once again a hot mess of nothing but loud fast screaming traffic, many hot rodding through here, doing burnouts, and the loud bass is atrociously unbearable. When the car club is here, they will stay anywhere from 6 PM until 10 PM or later, so yes, there is that to also consider.

 

I am requesting the following, please, only because of what is left of my overall health….and not because i am intending to demand or be mean, please know that!

1) K, please call me or come see me so we can talk. I am awake after 2:00 PM, so after 2:00 PM is the best time to reach me as i am a day sleeper. I need to know that you have not turned against me, and are still my friend. My contact info is at the end of this letter.

 

2) Please either get the speed trailer that i have now, activated as soon as possible, or have them bring me back one of the Wanco ones and place it where i can see it and monitor the speeds of people going past it——to be honest, i would much prefer it if i could have the Wanco one back, as that was the one i liked. It brought me great comfort to have the Wanco one here because of the way the Wanco trailers look and the way they work. I really wish i could have the Wanco one back as soon as it comes available again, please. it would mean the world to me to have that one back, and turned on, of course….LOL!!

 

3) Please put me back on regular extra patrol in the mornings, lunchtime and afternoons/evenings.

 

4) Please, please…get me a beat coordinator who will be as kind and compassionate as J has been to me. J really did a great deal to help me, and i miss having him as my beat coordinator!!!

 

5) Please let me know where the Wanco ones are now, so i can go see them in action, until i can have one of them back on my street again.

 

I, in turn, am going to begin to search for a place to move to, using my Section 8 voucher. Wish me luck on that one, because finding a one bedroom house, on Section 8 is next to impossible, and if i can find a suitable place via my Sec. 8, i will consider that one huge miracle straight from Heaven!!

 

Thank you both and God bless both of you,

 

Melissa

—————————————————

I have abbreviated all individuals’ names in these emails for privacy and legal reasons.

In closing…..My plight is very real, and it presents for me, a waking daily nightmare that i can only escape when my caregiver comes. She has taken me to see the Wanco speed trailers, when i sometimes ride with her to go run my errands, out of the goodness of her heart, because she understands and gets this and me, and so did J, my beat coordinator, and K the other police official who i address in the above emails.

My main frustration is that no one calls or answers my cries for help and actually talks to me anymore at the police dept. J has answered a few of my emails, and they did get a huge variable message sign here last week, which didn’t work properly, and now another speed radar trailer that is not the Wanco….that they have failed to even turn on….or it also is non-working. I now essentially am left with a dead, non-working speed trailer…..and still no answers, still no one who will actually talk to me and tell me what is going on and when i will get a new beat coordinator. Just that they are doing the testing for the new beat coordinator in one or two weeks.

And still, my street has returned to a state of loud freeway style screaming traffic and atrociously loud vibrating thunder bass. All right outside of my front door.

And i am really scared that the new beat coordinator will not be nice like J was. Trust me. I had four other beat coordinators who were not nice, and who made me out to be the villain, instead of seeing my plight as a real thing.

And i am also frustrated that it seems as though every time i do get a nice someone who listens to me, who treats me like the human being i am, who really “GETS” me and what i have to endure…..they either get transferred or promoted and then i am back to Square One again.

So….this is where i stand as of now. And i feel a deep depression and despair so deep and dark that it threatens to consume me.

I need help. Please. I need some miracles. Because, ironically, i still have a small mustard seed of faith left in me. (Pictured below is the Wanco speed trailer.)

Am I Okay?

Is it silly for me to be so fascinated by a speed radar trailer that i have to take drives to see it at least three times a week, that i have to post picture after picture of it, and that i get so excited to sit in front of it and see how it displays each person’s speed in real time, and how it flashes when people go over the speed limit?

Or am i okay?

I have even made an imaginary friend out of this speed trailer and have been a state of real deep mourning ever since they came and took it off of my street on April 26th. It had been here on my street for a month, and it helped!!

I have actually been bombarding both the police commander and my beat officer with numerous emails begging them to put it back on my street, ever since they came and took it away.

Not only did it calm the traffic….and my meltdowns down, its presence was a real comfort to me.

It is my honest opinion that police departments need to be understanding towards Autistic people. My hugest dream is to see this world be a much more inclusive, friendly and accomodating place for us. That is my mission in life.

It is hard, if not impossible, for an Autistic person to adjust and adapt to an NT world that thinks in black and white and everyone being able to fit into neat little circles when some of us are square and triangular and diamond-shaped .

Because life has grey areas, i am sorry, but it does. And many of us who are neurodivergent are diamond, square, rectangular, triangular, hexagonal, and so on, shaped.

There is nothing wrong with that, or us.

I was created by God and put on this earth by Him/Her/Them as an Autistic for a reason, plus given the gift of writing, so i could educate and open people’s eyes, minds and hearts….that we who are Autistic, are not faulty broken appliances, or behavior problems to be solved, cured, and fixed….we are Disabled and unique human beings with a neurology that has to be considered, accepted, and embraced.

Because God makes no mistakes.

A Short Blog Of Thanks

I did alot of sleeping and relaxing tonight. Watched yesterday’s General Hospital, and YouTube. And now i am going to bed for another day, until this afternoon, as i usually do.

I am trying to keep the faith, trying not to give into the depression and despair that is always there threatening to consume me,
holding out a strong and fervent hope that i will get the Wanco speed radar trailer back on my street,
and then that i will win the lottery so i can finally escape and move from here.
I then want to pursue getting my leg surgery. And getting back to where i used to be before i had to move to this awful neighborhood in May of 1991.
This neighborhood has been my undoing, but i know with the help i am seeking, i can get my life back.
The things i AM thankful for?
I am thankful for my mom and nice sister in AZ.
I am thankful for finally being diagnosed as Autistic.
I am thankful for the police officers who have been, and are, nice to me, who have compassion, who get me and my circumstances.
I am thankful for meeting so many awesome friends here on Facebook.
I am thankful for Connie.
I am thankful i am still here, surviving.

I Don’t Get To Have The Speed Monitor Back Now

I am calling for any of my friends who would be willing to make a phone call to the police dept on my behalf, please,
who know my whole situation with this street,
my need for the speed trailer both because it calmed the traffic considerably,
and to make them understand how this particular speed trailer, of which i have posted almost 100 pictures of already, actually became a FRIEND to me…..to please plead my case to them.
I have been desperately unhappy since it’s been gone off of my street.
Today i learned it is not coming back on my street at least until after June.
I don’t feel i can wait that long.
In addition, they want to RAISE the current 25 MPH speed limit to 30!!! That will only make things even worse for me, because then people will REALLY scream through here!!!
I have no choice but to live here until such time as i have the money to be able to move to a place that i KNOW will be sensory-friendly.
I have been having more meltdowns again, and since learning i am not getting this speed trailer back, i am feeling like my health is leaving my body, that i am dying now.
I am not in good health anymore as it is, and this speed sign being here made me a lot more happy, not just calmer, happier!!
That speed monitor kept me calm….kept me from having the unhealthy meltdowns.
Can someone please help me get this speed monitor back in front of my house more frequently? Please?

What’s Wrong With Autism Speaks?

Emma's Hope Book

When my daughter was diagnosed, we heard about Autism Speaks.  Their message supported everything else we were reading and hearing about autism, so I didn’t spend much time thinking about what they were saying or who they were involved with or even what they were doing with all the money they received.  In fact, we gave money to them during those early years.  When friends and family asked who they should donate money to, I encouraged them to give to Autism Speaks.

“Autism Speaks has a long and continued pattern of exclusion of Autistic voices from its work on autism. As an organization without a single Autistic person on its board of directors, Autism Speaks is the last group our nation’s leaders should be entrusting with the creation of a “national plan to address autism”. ~ ASAN (Autistic Self Advocacy Network)

“No reasonable person would dare suggest that an organization…

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