Okay, my now ex-friend has had her say, now i will have mine. Names are changed to protect people’s privacy.
A month ago, i lost another friend.
A friend who was a good ally.
A friend who i thought was a very good ally.
A friend who i felt would be the last one to throw me away in the trash…
….and all over a freaking Facebook post that she posted entitled “The Six Toxic Behaviors
That Push People Away: How To Recognize Them In Yourself and Change Them”.
Sally, not her real name, had posted it on her public wall, and then tagged me in a comment, along with another one of her friends, saying the following: “Melissa Fields (Me) and (Other Person) take this with the intent I mean and not wrong. EVERYONE has traits that can annoy others or drive others away. Reading this, I recognized myself and you two on some of these things (none of us lack empathy, tho). So I thought y’all could benefit from the reading as well.” On a public wall, when she could have sent this link in a private message to me and her Other Friend. Which would of shown respect of our feelings and dignity. I mean, what person would like to have their personal flaws called out in public?
In the weeks leading up to the above event, though, i could strongly sense evidence that Sally’s and my friendship was headed for disaster. The first incident was when she had posted my GoFundMe appeal page, and one of her friends, Friend T, posted right off the bat that i could be just another scam artist. Whoa there, that made me angry!! So i came onto that thread to defend myself, as i had every right to do so, and then Sally’s other friend, Friend E also came onto defend Friend T and add her two cents, then go onto attack my friend, who i will call Amelia, who had also come onto defend me. A night of me being on the phone with Sally, and then lots of back and forth messages, as i unblocked Sally’s friend E to come to the defense of my friend Amelia, ensued, culminating in Sally getting angry and blowing up at me, because she felt i was going to ask her to unfriend her friends T and E. Between me and Amelia, we were both able to convince Sally to please not be angry at me, that it was NOT my intention to friend police her. And it wasn’t!! Sally told Amelia she didn’t hate me, and that we were still okay, but that she just needed some space to process what had happened, and that she and i would be fine again. And we were. Sally and i talked things out, and we were back on track as the good friends we were. However, i then began to notice her posting alot on her page, posts and memes that were about friends who are too whiny, clingy, needy, negative etc., and who are so “loyal they stick like glue and you can’t get them unstuck to you.” She was also talking to me less and less. So, i decided to give her space. Hoping things would go back to our normal again.
During that whole time, i was beginning to do alot better emotionally, as i now finally had a wonderful new caregiver, so i wasn’t writing as many Facebook notes and blogs as i had in the past, when things were going badly for me. And when i did write the Facebook notes, i still would tag Sally in them!! But Sally alleges that i stopped tagging her in the notes, so i wanted to clarify that no i did not stop tagging her, i was just not writing as many of them. I also wasn’t talking as much in our group chat either, for the same reason: because i was doing better both mentally and physically!!
Even though she has now stated to me that it was not the case, that the memes she was posting that were very hostile and mean on her wall were meant towards someone else, i didn’t know that at that time, and i really felt they were directed at me. With that weighing on my mind, when i came onto my Facebook to see the notification that i was tagged in a comment, and saw that it was for that particular article above, i got angry. I wanted to talk this out with Sally, because what she did was a real trigger for me. She knows i don’t take criticism well at all, knows full that something like this would upset me….yet when i made every attempt to get her to acknowledge me, she ignored my chat messages, and then when i got her on the phone, i got caught totally off guard by her unfriendliness, and so, no, i wasn’t calm. Yes, my voice was raised, but i can swear to all who are reading this: i wasn’t yelling at Sally. She says i was, and she hung the phone right up on me, and then went straight to her wall and posted “I’ve lost my words. Do not call me again tonight, anyone!!” [Paraphrased] My anger went into overdrive, and i went to her Timeline and hit the Unfriend button. Next thing i knew, she had me blocked. (She says that i had blocked her, but no, she had me blocked first. So when i saw she had me blocked, i went to my block list and typed her name, and was still able to counter-block her, even after she had me blocked!!) The door was shut…slammed shut, with no explanation. I admit, i lose my words alot, especialy when others shut down on me or put their walls up, i put mine up too. I know this could have been dealt with alot better on both of our parts. I overreacted…..but so did she. Both of us had meltdowns. But the end result was that now my attempts to try to mend this latest falling-out, were met by Sally telling my friends Amelia and Raye, also not her real name, that she was done with me, that she could not deal with me anymore, and that i could just go pound sand. This was a new Sally that scared me shitless. I did not like this new cold, insensitive, callous Sally. I went into mourning. I could not believe that Sally, of all people, would ever turn against me….all over a Facebook post. I was willing to talk, and just ask her to untag me, and talk about why she felt i needed to read that article. I wanted to know just what she was trying to say to me. I wanted to know if hers and my friendship was over.
Since then, things have been said on both of our parts, out of our still unresolved anger and hurt towards each other. This is why i beg everybody that i know to please let’s have open lines of communication. That if a misunderstanding arises, please, can we talk it out? So things like this won’t happen. Sally herself promised me numerous times during our friendship that she would take space for herself at times, yes, but that she would never ever give up and shut the door on me. That she would see my case through to the end. And dear God, i so felt she would be the first who would be happy for me that i was now happier on Facebook!! Yet i saw few likes from her on my now postive posts. She began to ignore me more and more, and then i started seeing the hurtful memes. Memes that i didn’t know at that time, were meant for someone else.
Here’s some backstory: Sally and i were friends for the past four-plus years. Sally and i met here on Facebook, through some of the Autistic groups she and i were in. As an adult Autistic who has suffered a lifetime of being misunderstood, left out, outright rejected and bullied by my own family, rejected and bullied all through school, then bullied even more when i had to, out of economic neccessity, move to a neighborhood with mean neighbors on all sides of me, and then had to face the loss of yet more friends, then the eleven caregivers who were also God-awful abusive and cruel….even so, a person who has fought like holy hell all of my 54 years on this earth just to feel safe and be accepted somewhere, somewhere…..this latest loss has been more than just another bitter pill for this soul to have to swallow. This has been a blow so shocking to my system, that i have entered into a new realm of self-doubt and depression, and now i am even more afraid than ever before to trust anyone, to let anyone get as close to me as Sally and all of others i have trusted, only to have them too, all turn against me.
I know that i take things very personally, that i am ultra sensitive, easily hurt, and very quick to put up walls, and run and hide when i feel i am being threatened physically or mentally. And, it is hard for me to even distinguish between the two when i feel threatened. I am a people person, but i am still, even as an adult, woefully horrible at keeping friends. I still do not know how to be a reciprocal friend. I do not know how to give and take, or compromise. I try my best to do all of those things, because i am compassionate, i do care, but i fail and fall alot still, because i guess i have been hurt so much, that all i know how to do now is put up the only defenses i learned, as a child….to run, figuratively, crying and screaming away, to hide back in my own world, my own safe cocoon. Where i would truthfully stay, if i knew i could survive inside of there, because frankly, i am feeling more and more like going to that cocoon and never coming out ever again. It’s PTSD. Abandonment issues. I have both. Deep-seated. Still unresolved. I am an Autistic adult who has fallen through the cracks. I am needy. Very needy. I need for the world to understand how this is. I can’t snap out of this. I can only do what my mind and body will allow me to do each day, each moment. If people get angry with me, i take it hard. because i am so afraid of being walked off on again.
Earlier this year, when i was still in the throes of having to suffer through even more daily abuse from the caregiver i had at the time, i was friends with a lady who lives in an Upper Midwestern state. This lady, who i will call Lady X, along with Sally, convinced me to talk my mother into placing the units where i live on the market to be sold, and with the money, i was going to move to Lady X’s state, to escape all of the hell i was going through. But that was not to be either, as things exploded one night between me, Lady X and Sally, on our chat thread. That was a huge blow, as Laxy X retaliated by calling the police to come do a false welfare check on me, then she called Adult Protective Services and IHSS on me too, to try to have me hauled off to either a nursing home or mental institution. Sally said “Not to worry; i am here for you now. You don’t need Lady X now.” I believed her. I have believed everyone who has come into my life. I truly think that my new caregiver will stick by me though…..but my trust in the human race as a whole at the present, is at an all-time low now. Everytime i get upset now, it really affects my legs and feet now.
As God is my witness, this is what happened. And i do not write these blogs because this is a pity-party. I am genuinely lonely, i am genuinely in need of friends who truly will get me, my Autism, and who will accept me and my Autism, who will be here for me. I write these because of this, and because i want to get my story out there…..because i want to educate others. Thank you.
By the way, i want to go on record as saying that i never ever said that Sally’s art is fake. I myself draw using pictures to go on; many artists do that, and then we add our own personal touches to our piece that we are working on that makes it ours. What i had said was that another friend had told me her art was fake. But that is not why i don’t trust Sally now; i don’t trust Sally now because of the way she is choosing to treat me now by shutting me out, and discounting all of my feelings, and playing head games when i try to talk to her to reason with her, and to try to make peace with her, like i tried to last week.