Tag Archives: Autistic Acceptance

To All Who Bully & Torment Me

To all of the people who think it’s a fun sport to deliberately bully, torment, and terrorize a lonely housebound disabled autistic adult in the only home they currently have to live in…..

….by parking in a parking lot near my house with your loud bass thumping and bumping and vibrating the walls of my living room, just so you can get a delightful kick out of hearing my screams of sheer pain and agony….

…..screams so loud i lose my voice and my throat sometimes bleeds, and it makes my whole head hurt, and me feel sick and weakened—–yet you still won’t stop—and i have to keep screaming till you finally relent and turn the bass off…..

….leave from your place of work at the auto shop, with your loud big beige 4X4 truck, and gun the bloody murder out of it, causing me to scream, because someone has told you i’m a monster who deserves this kind of treatment…..

…do any of you realize that these noises actually cause me pain? Maybe it’s not physical pain but it is a painful anguish, and it vibrates my entire head and digestive system when you make these noises….

…..i wish you would, once and for all, sit down and Google the blogs of #actuallyautistic #neurodivergent adults, and start learning about who we are, and what our disability is, and is not.

I am sure that if any of you who so cruelly like to bully and terrorize me every afternoon, had an autistic son or daughter of your own….

……or, say, you have a sister or brother or mother or father who’s autistic…. and they were being bullied just like i am, and they came to you, sobbing brokenheartedly because they are wondering why people are so cruel to them, then maybe you would finally know the real pain you are causing me in my own home when you set out to use your car stereos and car engines to torment and terrorize me.

Being autistic does not equate me as being bad, wrong, broken, missing, less-than, damaged, and deserving of this kind of torture.

Just hoping to get you to understand…..if someone you loved were getting treated this way, would you not move heaven and earth to help get those bullies to lay off?

Hi, my name is Melissa. And i am a real human being. And i have feelings just like you do.

Please stop making what life i have left on this earth so unbearable.

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A Story From My Childhood

An #ActuallyAutistic fact about me.

When i was 8 and 9 years old, i had a childhood friend who liked to promise me we were going to go to her house and we were going to play all these exciting games with her dolls and toy trucks, and do slip n slide, etc.

We’d get to her house, and her mom would serve us a delicious lunch of sandwiches, and all different kinds of snack chips, and flavors of soda pop.

Then this friend would suddenly turn mean, and start teasing me and saying she hated me. She would take her dolls and other toys away from me, and tell me “No, i’ve decided i don’t want you to play with my dolls, trucks, etc. after all!”

I would end up hanging out with this friend’s mom. I’d go home upset.

The next day i would go to school, still upset, and the way this childhood friend treated me, would gravely affect my entire day at school. And often the entire week at school. I would meltdown at the least little thing, both in my classroom and on the playground at recess. I couldn’t concentrate on my schoolwork, do any of my schoolwork, and i would even wet myself.

As an autistic adult, guess what? I am still gravely affected by people like that childhood friend. No, i don’t wet myself anymore, but when people won’t listen, let me talk, and believe me when i say i can or can’t do something, or they are harsh and insensitive towards me, and say things that are harsh and insensitive, then not let me defend myself, i still get upset, and stay upset for sometimes days—-i cannot sleep, or walk as well, nor can i even hold a decent conversation. I still meltdown at the tiniest things. I now get bad sick stomach spells over this.

It really does matter that neurotypical people really listen and learn about us autistic people, because to not learn, and then get impatient when we don’t or can’t do things, or life, the NT way, hurts us more than you can know. To reject us hurts us more than you can know.

Because an autistic person’s brain is wired neurodivergently, instead of neurotypically. We see, smell, taste, hear, and touch things much more deeply than a neurotypical person.

A person’s words can literally mean life or death to an already marginalized and misunderstood person. When you take the time to read and watch autistic people’s blogs and videos, and learn about us, and then befriend us, and really get to know us and accept us, not just “tolerate” us, it makes a real positive difference to us.

I Don’t Want To Be Alone Anymore

From two Facebook posts i made just now……

Post One

I had a VERY weird dream while i slept. it was a nightmare, in fact.

I dreamed that i was alone here. Connie had gone home. It was night, but strangely still light outside, and it was overcast, misty, and wet outside. In fact, the outside had the blue tint of dusk settling in when it’s cloudy and overcast.

Suddenly i saw a group of cars crowd outside where the appliance shop used to be, and all over the street. Then i heard a gunshot, followed by someone yelling in pain. Then another gunshot, followed by another yell from that person, who had a male voice.

I got scared, frightened, but couldn’t move out of my chair where i was sleeping. I was literally paralyzed in fear.

I finally managed to get out of my chair and use my computer chair to block my view so no one from outside could see me, and i tried my best to call 911. I got a male presenting dispatcher, but could not hear them.

Suddenly, one of the bad men came into my carport and began to banshee yell and kick the outer security door on the door to my middle room. He kept kicking the door and yelling. Then more of them came right into my yard.

I tried again to get 911 on the phone and couldn’t even get my words out.

I awoke from this dream at 11:32 PM, to find that my small alarm clock was blinking. Which meant i must of had a power glitch while i was asleep. My clock on my answering machine was fine, and my DR showed no interruptions in the recording of the two newscasts i record every night to watch when i wake from my after dinner sleeptime.

I have come to the conclusion that i don’t want to live alone anymore.

ESPECIALLY NOT HERE in this neighborhood where i do have neighbors who do NOT have my back at all….but neighbors who are mostly all either the type to not get involved, or they are the mean ones who torment and bully me.

I at least want to live where i have nice neighbors surrounding me who are the kind who will adapt me and actually look out for me, while i still live in my own house. Then it won’t be so bad living in my own house by myself.

I am ALL alone tonight, and yes, i am scared right now.

Post Two

I am really having a bad night tonight. My TV reception began cutting out, searching for satellite signal was coming on, TV screen pixelating and freezing,—-and it isn’t even stormy here—-AT ALL!!!!

It’s fine now, not doing it anymore—– but yeah—after the nightmare i just had, and discovering that my power had glitched while i was sleeping, well, everything is spooking me right now and yes, i AM all alone here, isolated with no one nearby in this neighborhood to call if i have problems—yes, i could call Connie if i have real problems, but i don’t want to ruin her sleep just because tonight i happen to be scared and need someone here to be with me because i am just scared.

I just don’t like how i am feeling tonight.

I want to cry.

I really do want to move where i have nice neighbors around me day and night who will care and look out for me. I don’t want to live in this aluminum hot rod and mean bully alley anymore.

Being Alone At Christmas-My Story In Posts

I am so not okay. A deep Christmas depression has set in, bc i am all alone today.
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I hate it that i am all alone.
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I hate it that none of my siblings even bother to send a measley Christmas card to me, let alone call me.
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I can;t take the loneliness much longer…..
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#BeingAloneAtChristmas
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My sister and her family, one of the two with whom i am estranged from, moved to Idaho in March 1991.
My mom and dad moved to Idaho in April of 1996.
My other ex-nice sister moved in with my parents with her daughter, one month later.
My baby brother and his family moved to Idaho in 1996 as well.
My nice sister moved to Arizona in 2001.
My eldest brother moved to Idaho in 2004.
His daughter, my niece, moved in with them a few years later.
I have one brother left here in Santa Maria. His two grown boys live in Fresno and Bakersfield.
None of them except my mom and sister in Arizona, acknowledged me this year, and they never do.
my other ex nice sister used to email and talk to me all of the time too.
But now, even she has turned her back on me, bc she says her health is now so bad, my meltdowns would kill her.
I so wish with all my heart, another nice family would adopt me.
I cannot stand the loneliness i feel today on this Christmas Eve.
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If you are reading this and you know of someone in your neighborhood who is a shut in and who will most likely be alone at Christmas, please go visit them, bring them dinner cookies, or just you so that they will have an actual person to talk to.
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To all of you in my family who are afraid to interact with me because i may just have one of my meltdowns,  please know, for one, my meltdowns don’t just come out of the blue. There is always a reason for my meltdowns.
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But none of you seem to even want to get to know your sibling/aunt. To find out that you don’t have to be afraid of me. That my #Autism is not so scary. To find out my being Autistic is not a bad thing. To find out that i am not wrong, a burden or damaged goods. I am just #Disabled.
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That is why i told my story online. So all of my family would read, understand, and their hearts would soften. I also told my story so that others would understand that we Autistics have real stories to tell. That we are not the “behavior” problem you may think we are.
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I invite you to Google Neurodiversity and #ActuallyAutistic. Google a blog called Autistic Hoya. You will get to know why i was the way i was as a child and teenager growing up in the Fields family. Maybe you’ll discover the sister/aunt you felt you never had in the process.
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I want to add this to my blog….
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I don’t always know the right words to say to a friend who is hurting, but by God, if i ever say anything that makes any of you feel invalidated, or like i am silencing you or being dismissive of you, PLEASE call me on it!
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I know the holiday season can be, and is rough, even unbearably rough for many people, and it is for myself. I just want to let you all know, i hold you in my space. I witness your pain, and your hurt, especially if you are all alone, and maybe your family has shut you out. I witness you, and i validate that pain and hurt—-it’s not you, believe me, because you matter to those of us who are your true friends—-it is on those who made you hurt, those who made you feel excluded, dismissed, silenced and unheard.
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I love you, my friends. I really do, and if you are hurting tonight, i am offering you hugs.   
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Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Holidays!   

An Open Letter To The US House Of Representatives

Sunday, December 3, 2017

Dear US House and Senate both,

Re: Tax Reform Bill

My name is Melissa Fields. I live in Santa Maria CA. This is my story.

I am 57 years old, and #Disabled. I am Autistic and also physically disabled due to debilitating hip, back, and knee pain, plus chronic lymhedema on both of my legs. In addition, I have a large lymphedema lump on the inside of my left thigh that is literally larger than the size of a basketball. It is every bit as firm as a basketball too. This greatly limits my mobility.

I am disabled by many Autistic sensory issues, to certain types of noise, touching certain things/foods, harsh lighting, certain music, and being around people when they are rude and unfriendly. I am also disabled because I can barely walk and badly need more than just my quad cane and walker to get around. I also have issues with executive functioning.

I have never been able to work at a job my entire life because my above disabilities have prevented me from being able to secure and keep a job.

I have lived on SSI, then Social Security Survivor’s benefits my entire adult life. In addition, I also depend on both Medicare and Medicaid for my healthcare, and in home caregiver that comes to help me six days a week.

In addition, the Olmstead Law has allowed me to be able to enjoy living in my own small cottage. My Section 8 Public Housing Assistance helps me so I can actually afford to pay my rent each month. A CARE discount that I get each month also allows me to be able to afford to pay my monthly utilities. I am proud that I have been able to live on my own without much undue hardship for the past 30 years of my life. Before my lymphedema got bad, I even drove and had a car from 1990 till 2012.

I am writing this on behalf of myself and all of my friends in the Disability Community who, like me, either cannot work, or who are going to school or through Vocational Rehabilitation, in an effort to gain employment.

I am writing on behalf of my Disabled friends who already are working, but still need help with healthcare, necessary medications, mobility equipment and personal care so they can keep their jobs.

I am writing this on behalf of all veterans who have fought for this country who need services.

I am writing on behalf of senior citizens who depend on Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, Housing, and other vital programs that help with their quality of life. And yes, I fall into this category now.

Please don’t let this tax bill become law the way it is written. If it does, you will be forcing all of us who are poor, Disabled, elderly, etc. into grave undue hardship, homelessness, and death. Many will have to drop out of school, and stop working, and those of us who cannot work, who depend on our social safety net for our very survival, will be plunged into utter devastation and despair. Many of us, like myself, have no family to help us if this should happen.

If i don’t have personal in home care, I will cease to live.

Please. I urge you to think of the millions of real human beings this tax bill will be hurting. Please don’t cut Medicare and Medicaid. or Housing. Or tax those of us who can least afford it.

I am all for tax reform—but only the kind of tax reform that is truly just and fair for ALL of us.Me on September 27, 2014-2

I’m Still Not Okay–It’s Not Okay To Shut Doors On An Autistic Adult Who Needs Your Help

I’m still not okay.

Ppl don’t realize that when your job is to help others, to protect and serve, and you deliberately shut the door on someone seeking help bc their head is literally being blown apart by bass so sonically loud it may as well be inside of my house on max volume, that you may of just re-traumatized that person when they already have trust and confidence issues with police. Because of the way i’ve already been treated by so many police officers.

I want to move far away from this town, its police, its redneck politics!!!

A Perfect Autistic Hell

Please imagine what it would be like if you were sitting at your computer, you were a 57 year old autistic adult, and you were housebound, unable to go anywhere because of your legs,and on the other side of the wall behind your computer was an eight foot tall giant round steel encased subwoofer bass speaker turned all the way up, throbbing and thumping like louder than hell thunder right overhead..

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That is exactly what my entire afternoon was like yesterday.

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That is what noises that are sensory issues to an autistic person are like. Especially when the loud subwoofer bass was used as a weapon to terrorize me by the bullies in the auto shop two decades ago, along with their loud souped up motors on their motor vehicles, just because they have always felt it a sport to do the things they know will cause me to scream and yell hysterically, and in sheer agony, because to see me in agony is sheer fun to these men. And it still is sheer fun to them.

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This loud bass that i had to endure and suffer with all of yesterday afternoon, was actually three blocks North of my house at a park—and even though a sweet young female presenting police officer went over to that park to ask them to turn that bass down, they turned it up all the more,and they turned it even LOUDER as they were closing at five PM yesterday afternoon. In fact, this bass was still going on at 4 minutes after the 5:00 PM quitting time.

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I spent my entire afternoon in utter agony because of this bass. This bass was just like being forced to have my entire head squeezed into a tight grip to where i feel it is going to explode from the thunderous vibrations going on right inside of it. My ears get turned into vibrating mini subwoofers.

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It was only after that sweet officer came to my house to let me know they would be taking care to see to it that it didn’t get out of hand again, AND that they were going to be shutting it down at 5 PM, that i calmed down somewhat.

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My mom and i both kept calling the police to get them to stop this awful noise. My mom even told them she was afraid i would end up having a stroke, because i was Literally. That. Upset.

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Finally at 5:04 PM, when it was even louder, i called again.

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Only this time, the dispatcher transferred me to the watch commander. My hell became horror when a lieutenant who does not like me picked up the phone.

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I made the mistake of trying to talk to him. I began by telling him i am autistic, as he knows, that i was scared to speak to him, because i heard he was mean, and he became angry right away, telling me:

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“Is this about the beerfest going on at the park and the loud music they’re playing? if so, it is closing down, and you will just have to sit there and put up with it till they stop.”
I told him that it was louder than ever, it was unbearable, and what it was causing me, which was PAIN.
His response: “I don’t care, we’ve already sent an officer over, and we’re not going to send another one. You will just have to put up with the noise till they stop.”
I asked him “Don’t you understand autism at all?”
He got angry again: “Look, i’m not going to sit here and argue with you—”
Me: “I’m not trying to argue with you. I am trying to educate you about autistic people and what it’s like—”
He cut me off: “I don’t need to be ‘educated’! I already know what i’m doing—-”
I said: “But i am trying to make more friends at the police dept.!”
Him: “I’m not here to be your ‘friend’! I already KNOW you, you have a long history of having problems at that address, and frankly, i have no time for your problems!”
Me: “Can’t you have any compassion? Police need to have compassion—”
Again he cut me off: “Look, i don’t HAVE to have ‘compassion’ on anyone, and i don;t have any compassion on you. I’m not going to do anything to help you. I am hanging up now.”

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CLICK!!!!

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I have been one hot mess ever since that awful exchange with that police monster—-which is just what he is. People like him, and dispatchers who are also shrill and rude, are the reason why we become afraid to call the police, or to even say hi to them and smile at them when we see them. It affects me on all levels, and deeply when people are rude, dismissive, shrill, harsh, and try to silence me and invalidate my feelings. I literally feel i don’t matter anymore when i get treated and talked to like that lieutenant treated me.

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People like him have no business getting promoted to police lieutenant, or being allowed to interact with the public, if they cannot have compassion and know how to treat others like human beings.

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The way he treated me and muzzled me and completely invalidated my agony, was nothing but inhumane, and it has caused me terrible PTSD flashbacks all night long.

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The Santa Maria Police Department should be ashamed of themselves for allowing their officers to treat the people they are hired to protect and serve like we don’t matter.

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They should not promote officers who are known to have a negative attitude. Period. Full stop.