Tag Archives: Autistic Acceptance

Trapped

Hydrangeas-1

CW: This is not a fat shaming post. This is a Melissa health post, because i am perishing.

I slept all day today, and had nothing but nice travel dreams where i was traveling, by airplane, to the East Coast, and in the latest dream before waking up at 4 PM, i was traveling to Bloomington Indiana, a place i did once visit back in July 1983.

I so wish i still weighed at least 175 lbs again, with no leg problems, and could get another car and drive again—-and even fly places to go see my FB friends. I don’t need to be reed thin, just at least back down to between 175-200 pounds. That would get me back to a better place physically- functionality wise, to where i could do all of those things again. I know it would help the lymphedema in my legs too.

I want to repeat again: I am not fat shaming by saying what i am saying. My body is shutting down. I am shutting down. I can no longer function like i need and want to because i weight about 350 lbs now, and i have bad back, knee, and hip problems, as well as the lymphedema on both legs—-AND the huge lymphedema ROCK on the inside of my left thigh.

The lymhedema was caused by me not being able to sleep laying down anymore, but sleeping for 8 years, from 2004 to 2012, on a badly broken down living room sofa that bore into my left leg and thigh, especially. I would sleep sitting up, with my feet on the floor, which is bad for leg circulation.

In addition, i have always been, and sill am addicted to junk food to help keep me calm because of this hellish street i live on, stuck day in and day out, inside this house, because i never feel well enough to get in the shower so i can get out and about and get my hair colored anymore.

Having so few people actually care about me in real life—-(i do have my mom, one nice sister, Connie, and my Facebook friends, but no in real life local friends or family support other than my mom and one nice sister)—-has worn me, and my body completely down.

In addition—i have to endure day in and out, unbearable loud hot rodding and thunder bass noise right in front of my house on a street where the speed limit is 25 MPH.

I never get to go anywhere anymore because of my physical circumstances. It is even now hard for me to keep doctor’s appointments. It is getting harder and harder for me to even want to get out of my soft comfortable life chair anymore.

I am depressed all the time now, and don’t have the will to live anymore, so i am praying daily that either God lets me win the lottery so i can escape this toxic neighborhood, or for God to please take me—-because i cannot bear the way things are any longer.

I am an Autistic adult and i feel trapped with no way out of these circumstances.

I Am Autistic—Say The Word

Flowers-2

One afternoon in April, i was upset, so i wrote a series of Vaguebook posts, and because i write when i am upset……and i mainly write to educate the general public about what it is like to be a middle aged adult who is Autistic so people will understand, get us, and accept us, i want to compile my vaguebooks all into a blog post.


What is it that helps flowers to blossom and bloom to all their glory? It is not yelling at them to grow already, and standing over them and forcing their peddles to unfold when they aren’t ready to unfold. And to be callous and cold with them. They need patience, actual warmth and affection, to be slowly and lovingly cultivated, and they need water, sunshine, and food.


For me, it is not being harsh and critical of me. And cold and callous. For me, i grow when i know i am truly accepted and when i am okay to be me. When it is okay for me to say “I am Autistic.” When i know my feelings, both happy and sad, and the ones that are painful too, are truly validated.


I don’t write to be mean and covert. I write whenever i cannot verbally say how i am feeling.
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Post One.
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“Trigger warning for the word stupid and the R word—and for also graphic depictions of child abuse
There is a valid reason why i have a chip on my shoulder as an adult.
It comes from growing up being told and made to feel
like i was all wrong all the time, every day, 24/7
that i didn’t have a right to my opinions
or to to say what i felt that how i felt, and i,
was just too weird
everything i ever did or said was
wrong, stupid and not good enough
being called the R word all the fucking time,
not just by the schoolkids but even by my own siblings
being silenced, muzzled, and having my feelings,
and me, always dismissed, invalidated and erased
being treated like my autism was/is a behavior
or that i use my autism as a shield, crutch, etc.
being told wrongly so that i was just a
lazy, spoiled, and selfish rotten brat,
when so many things
were and still are difficult for me to do
being told also wrongly so that
i never appreciated what people did for me,
when i did, but just did not know
how the fuck to show it
knowing my own father actually hated my guts
for the way i was even though i could not help the way i was
because i was BORN Autistic
imagine if you will what it is like
to go to school and have no safe zone there
where you can be you and
you cannot get away from all of the scary sensory stimuli
and you cannot be you or get away from
all of the unwanted scary sensory stimuli at home either
because your you is too wrong, too weird, to matter
you are expected to, forced to act a certain way,
and if you don’t, you are yelled down, scolded, and BELITTLED
all you can do is just go to your room all the time
because that is at least a little bit of a safe zone for you
always being talked over and interrupted
when i try to talk and express myself
yes, they did that too
and then they would interrupt
to finish all of my sentences for me,
not knowing what i was REALLY going to say
close spaces, having to be forced to endure being kissed,
or having to stand too close to others in a line
being beaten on my legs and buttocks growing up
beaten so hard it left welts that would raise up and bleed
having my hair and ears pulled so hard my head hurt
loud men yelling especially when angry
and my music–when i can’t even listen to my rock music
because the family music is country,
so i have to listen to that or i get in trouble for that too
a fear so bad i used to have to always
memorize the station my dad had the car and family radio on,
so he wouldn’t find out i was listening to the rock stations
my dad, brothers and sisters always pissed,
always irritated with me
i have bad flashbacks to all of this all the time
so that today, when anyone can present to me as angry,
even if  they aren’t, i am hypersensitive to it

i still take what people say and do wrong all the time
because of all of the hurts of my childhood
because i think i am being chastised and muzzled yet again
I have Complex PTSD thanks to what i went through
then losing my independence again,
losing my ability to drive and do for myself
after having my independence for 25 years,
where, 22 of them i was able to drive
has brought me back to how i felt as a child,
and that is how i feel now,
like i am that child again who had no rights
and now i feel as if don’t have any rights again anymore…… “
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Post Two
“I am not abnormal.
I am Autistic.
There is nothing wrong with me
or the word Autistic.
I say the word.
People need to say the word.
AUTISTIC.
PLEASE ACCEPT ME. “
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Post Three
“My special interests are not obsessions or addictions. They are my coping mechanisms and there is nothing wrong with me having these special interests.”
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Post Four
“I write and tell my story so that people will understand.”
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Post Five
“When i yell because of the noise outside it is because that noise is actually causing me pain. People yell when in pain. People yell and cry when they hurt.”
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Post Six
“When i say that i cannot do something it is because i truly do not have the ability or the spoons to be able to do that thing.
It is not that i don’t want to do whatever, it is that some things i lack the ability to do. Sometimes i have the spoons to do some things. Other things i never have the spoons for.
Please understand and accept that.”
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In closing, my Autism is not used as a shield, crutch, nor do i mean to use it as a means to throw it in people’s faces. I often do not have the words available to me to be able to articulate what it is that i want to say, especially when i can sense i am not being heard.
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So, out comes the word Autistic. And i cannot hide my Autism, or take it on and off like it’s a coat.
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I don’t write to bad mouth people.
I do not write about my family to bad mouth them either.
I write because the family abuse happened. Because i want to let others know they aren’t alone, and how to spot the signs of abuse, and i want my family to finally read what i write and say “OMG, i did do those awful things!”
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Because i have no family to turn to, and my mom and one nice sister are both financially unable to help me more than they can, i am in a vulnerable situation where if i do not have my caregiver to help me, i am literally left to fend for myself—-and i have been left without caregivers in the past—–and that was so terrifying for me that it has caused me to become even more hypervigilant about making sure the people i love and who matter to me, always understand and get me—-so they won’t throw me away too,like so many, many others have done.
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I live in constant fear of this, and when i have any disagreement with my friends, i instantly go into a panic mode so severe, thinking they’re angry, and hate me, and it often makes things even worse.
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I wrote this into a blog because sometimes i can put things better into words by talking, but other times, like now, i can do it better by writing it. That has nothing to do with anyone but my own spoon level at the moment. I have not had very many spoons ever since the election, to be honest. Yes, i am extremely scared about the current state of our government now, too.

The “Cool Table” And Why I Am Here—Please Don’t Be Afraid To Friend Me

Candy friendship hearts

True fact….i got hurt a great deal growing up….at home i got ganged up on and hated on, yes, downright abused, for being so different and weird…..and all through school…..i never got to sit at the cool table.

Please don’t be afraid to friend me or accept me as a friend. I am here because yes, i do need help, but i am also here because i care about helping as a fellow Autistic ally. I am still new at this, though, so i am going to fail, make mistakes, use the wrong terms, etc. I am still learning though. But i can assure all of you, my personal circumstances and struggles are real, and i am not here to just get cookies.

Below is my story.

When you grow up physically, mentally, and emotionally abused, and not liked because you are Autistic, both at home and at school, yet are not told you were, indeed, diagnosed as Autistic when you were 3 years old by your mom until you were an adult, only after you had seen a therapist who gave you a soft diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome when you were a 39 year old adult in 1999—-this can cause you a lot of unneeded grief and damage your whole life.
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I grew up thinking of myself as all wrong. That i was damaged and broken. That i would never have friends, never have a job, never get married, never have romantic relationships, etc. I grew up in a redneck family who did not accept me, who just felt i was lazy, soiled, selfish, etc. They didn’t know, they didn’t know—-and i was only told i was born with a perceptual handicap, their words, and childhood schizophrenic tendencies. Then when i got my SSI in 1981, i was labeled as paranoid schizophrenic.
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Then through years of therapy, i discovered i was Autistic. After i was near 40 years of age. As a result, i never got any of the services an Autistic child gets. I did spend from 1st through 4th grade in special ed classrooms, but then we moved to the country where there were no more special ed classrooms, and that was where i began to flounder.
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Because i grew up with little understanding, i learned early on, to cope by retreating into a world of my own, where i have always had a small group of imaginary friends who have always been like my angels. I would basically latch onto certain roads, highways, and electronics, especially those that caught my eye as attractive and personable and sweet and friendly—–and i would make imaginary friends out of those things.
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All through school, i longed to sit with the cool kids, and hang with the cool kids…..and be
able to sit at the cool kids table. There were times when the cool kids would let me, out of pity though, and then make me leave again, because i wasn’t like them. Oh, how that would hurt!
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Then i would go home and get yelled at and teased cruelly by my older brothers and sisters, and even my younger brother. My father hated me because i acted too weird for his tastes. He and my maternal grandmother could never understand me either, and i would just keep getting labeled with all these awful demeaning names and terms, yes, even the R word.
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Now, as an Autistic adult, i have discovered the cool table, sadly, very much exists in the Autistic community, and i am heartbroken about it…..because i think anything that is meant to leave people out, is anything but cool.
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Why? Because it tells those of us already struggling with internalized ableism and feelings that we are damaged goods, that yes, we are indeed, damaged goods—-even in a community where we should all feel safe.
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I understand that many of you have also been hurt, and you also suffer from PTSD and Complex PTSD from childhoods where you too were abused, talked over, not listened to, not taken seriously, etc. Many of you were hurt even worse than i was.
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I also understand that in the Autistic community, there have been those who have scammed people, lied, and presented themselves to be pitied just to get attention—those who just want cookies all the time.
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I understand that all of us have different triggers, and that there are certain types of people who trigger us.
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But then there are some of us who are sincere, who are trying to come alongside of all of you to tell my story, not just so i can get help, but because i want to help the Autistic community as a whole, get heard, noticed, understood, accepted, and included and respected as the real human beings we are.
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I admit when i first came to Facebook, i would unfriend, then refriend people alot—-but this was borne out of my fears of being rejected yet again, or because a person who didn’t understand, would start giving me lots of ableistic advice, then they’d turn on me and get mean—–and i was still learning about my Autism. In the beginning, i was even reaching out to bad places like Autism Speaks, thinking—-and wrongly so—–that they would help me, because i didn’t know better then, that they were not to be trusted, that they were and are a bad hate group.
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Below are posts culled from some earlier posts i made yesterday about me, and why i get afraid and run away at times. Because i don’t want people to be afraid to friend me.
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Post from 9 hours ago.
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“I am afraid to send out anymore new friend requests even though i would very much love to make more friends in the Autistic community.
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I just got snubbed by one person, and one friend that did accept me as a friend, has been snubbing me completely, and i do not feel welcome on their wall.
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People who know me, who know my situation, know i am not here to scam anyone, that my situation is real. But today, i feel as though i just got told i cannot sit at the cool table.
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From now on, i am only going to friend those who i meet through comment threads who seems open to me, who i know will actually give a damn about me.
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I also won’t stay friends with anyone who are going to show me that they are not approachable to me. Basically, if i don’t feel welcome, i am gone.
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I am not okay right now. I want to die.”
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Post from 4 hours ago.
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“I just did another friend cull and some preemptive blocks for self protection. I don’t need to have people on my list, or in the spaces i go, who don’t make me feel welcome on their walls and comment threads, who consistently ignore me, and those who are mean.
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Or anyone who wants to cling to me too hard.
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I am also not going to spend my energy supporting those who i feel don’t like and support me. Because being in the space of someone who doesn’t accept me, is a huge trigger for me……then i get depressed and down on myself. Sorry if that sounds selfish, but i am too kind, i think, too willing to let everyone in, and i need to stop that, for the sake of my well-being. It hurts getting slapped cold in the face, having doors slam shut, having my outstretched hands slapped away. Yes, that happened today.
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New rule…from now on, yes, i still welcome new friends, i still have a big heart and care about people, but from here on, if i want to friend someone, i will private message them first, to explain who i am, that i am in the Autistic community, why i sent the FR, etc., so ppl are not scared off. Or i will let people come to me and friend me.
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Also, if i see in a comment thread, that someone is taking the time to talk to me, and we aren’t friends yet, i will ask if they want to be friends, and go from there. No more am i going to just straight out friend request people anymore. It will save me the hurt and rejection, and possibly being labeled as spam to FB.
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Because rejection really does suck alot.
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I love all of you who are my true friends. I mean that with all of my heart.
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And now i am going to go in my comfy chair and try to forget that today happened.
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Thank you to all who were here for me today.”
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Comment from 39 minutes ago.
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“I want to be able to start going to Autistic conferences and speaking someday, and now feel i can’t do that because many of the important leaders who do go to those conferences, have elected to shun me.
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I cannot pretend this doesn’t hurt. I would expect it from non-Autistics, paaaaaarents, narrow minded people who don’t want to accept us Autistics as the cool people we are, and my family but not those who even run chapters of some of the Autistic organizations i am actually seeking ***help*** from.
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In my defense, what i wrote in the above post **IS** my defense, and if some have blacklisted me as possible friend material for doing what i needed to do for self protection because i ran away due to lack of spoons—then they are being unfair to me, not giving me the chance to explain why and try to make things right, because yes, in the beginning, when i first came to the Autistic community, i still had alot of internalized ableism, and did not understand as much as i do now about ableism, neurodiversity, and my Autism.
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Many of those who i did friend, i ran away from, because i did not know how to respond to their bluntness, blunt personality, etc. I have grown alot since then though, and now i am barred from their cool table because i ran away out of fear due to past hurts and disappointments, when i was a newbie.”
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Comment from 8 hours ago.
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“It’s hard for me bc i am housebound, plus grew up with few friends, and a whole bunch of siblings who were always ganging up on me and making me feel like shit warmed over all the time.
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I just can’t let my guard down as much anymore….that way….i won’t get hurt again.
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Getting the cold shoulder from my own community hurts even more though, bc i consider us all like we should be all family, ya know what i mean?”
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Comment from 8 hours ago.
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This is how i handle things today.
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“ I will basically unfriend and block a person
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if they are consistent in ignoring me
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i feel unwelcome on their wall
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they yell at and attack me verbally
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i get told how to feel or how to act—example if they tell me to cope by just wearing headphones/earplugs to cope with my environment
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they turn against me
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i get preached at, and someone tries to convert me to their brand of narrow minded Christianity
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or i see the person is so mean i am scared to even talk to them
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or they are unapproachable, hard to get to know.
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or they are too clingy and keep taking what i say, mean, always the wrong way.
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I will then block those people so i don’t have to see and get triggered by seeing them in mutual space like comment threads.
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Mean people trigger me alot.
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So those things are why i have the long block list i do. I don’t do that to be mean, i do that to self protect.
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I too will private message a person and talk there, so it doesn’t trigger and scare away people, especially if they’re new allies.”
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To all who have read this, i thank you….and i thank all of you who are my friends and allies.

Please Understand, I Am Going Through A Very Bad Season Right Now–A New About Me Blog

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A blog by an Autistic adult.

And i don’t know how i am going to get myself back out of this now, because i feel as though the hole i am in now, is way too deep for me to climb out of by myself.

I feel an onslaught of fear and anxiety all the time now, and cannot rest. When i do rest, i want to stay asleep, and not wake up.

I am fearful that my caregiver is going to get fed up with me and quit me. She has become like a close sister to me, and i admit, i cling to her more than ever now, because when she is not here, i literally have nobody to turn to, to talk to, to bounce my ideas off of, to share my thoughts with. When she is here, i love to share my thoughts with her, and love it when she and i can talk, and when she gets me to laugh and giggle. I love it when she wears her hair down, and she lets me play in it and look at the colorful shines in her hair. (Yes, for those who don’t know, i love shiny hair. And she has beautiful long brunette-dark red shiny hair.) Whenever i feel that i may have displeased her in any way, it bothers me so much that my entire night gets ruined by my worrying and anxiety over whether i have made her angry or burnt out?

Today, i am once again way beyond tired. It has been like this every single day now, ever since the police last took the speed trailer away from me…the nice speed trailer i had from June 2nd through July 19th of last summer. When it was here, it became my friend too….because all of my life, to cope with a world that still mostly does not get Autistic people, i have made imaginary friends out of certain roads, highways, and certain electronics. It is hard to explain to those who don’t understand how my Autistic mind works, how profoundly traumatic that was for me to lose the speed trailer a second time. Lately, i seem to never get enough sleep each day, and i feel like going back to sleep when i wake up. This is a combination of the worry and stress about my still-festering, still-bad living situation,still not being able to have the speed trailer put back here, and my worry and anxiety over the way things have been since the orange tanned dicktator got inaugurated.

All i want to do these days, is to curl up into a ball and sleep…..and not wake up till this is all over. Till we have a nice President again. Till i have a way to be able to move from here.

I have changed in the past 6 years.

In 2010, i still was learning about my Autism, and ableism, and neurodiversity. In 2010, i still was a moderate Republican, even.

In January of 2012, i still had a deep Christian faith. And lots of hopes and dreams and goals for myself.

Today, yes, i still believe, but i no longer wear it on my sleeve like i used to. Nor do i like to preach about my faith anymore on my wall. Why, you may ask? Life happened between then and now; by 2012, i had gotten so badly hurt by one too many churches, and by some so-called Christian “friends”—–and i turned very cynical and bitter and angry. All of these life experiences, plus meeting all of you wonderful people on Facebook, has woken my mind up, and turned me into a flaming proud liberal progressive.

I also finally felt comfortable coming out as bi-sexual due to being on Facebook and meeting all of you awesome friends. I have always felt attracted to both women and men, and i did come out to two of my sisters and my mother, in the past.

In March of 2012, i went through a violent verbal and emotional separation of a friendship between me and a man who also professed a deep Christian faith, but he was a man who used me financially, and who would get in terrible mean moods with me every other month. In March 2012, he turned against me one final time, this time for good, and tried to get me kicked off of both YouTube and Facebook both. This was a trauma that i still have not healed from. His cruelty towards me, still causes me to have bad nightmares even today, of him. One cannot put a time limit on PTSD.

And then right on the heels of that, came a long string of very abusive caregivers…..from May 2012 to March 2014. Yes, i blogged about it all in a six part blog series. Those added to my trauma and PTSD.

Even though i now have a good caregiver, and she has been my caregiver now for 3 years, i fear that she too will turn on me and leave. (I wrote alittle bit about that fear at the beginning of this blog.) That fear is a great fear still, because so many people have done that to me in my life. I KNOW i am not easy to get along with. I have a great any rituals, routines, am set in my ways, phobias, fears, sensory issues, triggers, that go along with being Autistic. Most people cannot understand that, and even the ones who do, soon grow tired of me and leave me. This is because most people think of my meltdowns as a behavior issue and they yell at me to get me to stop—and that only ends up making my meltdowns even worse…..and longer-lasting.

I no longer drive. I had to stop driving in April of 2012, due to a growing lymphedema leg tumor on my left inner thigh, and due to me growing more and more fearful of going places by myself anymore.

Since then, i have been mostly housebound, and have been relying on caregivers to come to my home to help me, so that i can remain living in my own home.

To be honest, I am depressed now….and am living only as long as God keeps me here. But to be brutally honest, life has gotten to be an unbearable daily hell for me. On all levels. And it is getting worse. Especially now that we seem to have a whole new regime in Washington DC. A new regime that seems to be all levels of authoritarian—and honestly quite terrifying.

I am truthfully holding on by what is left of my faith…..hoping that God will just take me in my sleep soon.
In the meantime, while i am still on this earth, i will do all i can to fight for the rights of Disabled /Autistic and all marginalized groups of people till i draw my last breath. Because i love you all. You all mean the world to me.
Which is the reason why i post so many political posts now. And why i now have my TV glued to the more liberal cable news channels all the time now. Because i am Disabled/ Autistic, and i am deeply involved in Autistic / Disability Rights……and out of that, i have come to really care deeply about this planet and all of the people and animal and plant life that inhabit Mother Earth.
Because politics and Disability rights and issues are intersected. Politics and Disability rights are completely interwoven. Our healthcare, our benefits that we rely on. Are all at stake now.
Because….these are frightening times we are living in right now.
Because this is who i am.
Please understand.

Am I Not A Human Being? Do I Not Have Rights? I Am Perishing Because Now My Police Dept. Is Ignoring Me

An open letter to my city police department and my city council,

I am what you would call a prisoner in my own home.

I am an Autistic, and physically Disabled adult with health issues that could kill me—-i am stuck here, housebound, and my own home is an almost 24/7 virtual actual torture chamber.

I could very well die if the police do not help me again. That is how severely upset i am getting every single day now, in my own home.

I am now left so upset, having meltdowns so severe that it affects my whole body, makes me physically sick to my stomach, and then i am unable to function for days after those meltdowns. Yet i am having these meltdowns every day all because of the loud hot rodding and loud thunder bass that i have to listen to daily right in front of my house.

“Oh, just get your parents to sound proof your middle room, and shut up!”—-yeah sure, so i can go hunker down in there like i am in a war bunker, and then i would never get fresh air and sunshine. Which all human beings NEED!!

What? Am i not a human being???

I have always had someone to talk to who has helped me at that police dept. the entire time i have had to live here. Now i have no one at that police dept, not even the ones who i used to call my friends and allies. Everyone at that police dept now ignores me.

All because i made the mistake of letting them know that as an Autistic, i latched onto both speed trailers they had here, and made imaginary friends out of them. I am being punished by the police, because well, that’s not normal to make imaginary friends out of objects. yes it is when your neurology is different, when you are Autistic. Many Autistic people latch onto things and get interested in them and then have to know all about those things. It’s called Autistic interests. For me, it has always been certain roads, highways, and electronic things, like stereos, my digital smart electric meter when they gave me one, and now the 2 speed trailers that the police placed on my street, because of the way the numbers go up and down, and flash the speed if it goes over the limit, as well as the bright red “SLOW DOWN” sign.

All i have asked is for my city councilperson to get the Lt. Commander to open up his phone to me again, to talk to me again. And to get me a beat coordinator who will be just like Jason was, who will actually see my plight and help me so i do not feel like a prisoner anymore in my own home.

My city council member will not hear me, or help me either.

There has to be an ADA office close enough who will help me, please, because i am under so much stress just because of the atrociously loud fast raceway outside of my house, with the loud hot rods, and loud thunder bass stereo systems that actually vibrate the whole inside of my head when they are on near me.

This noise goes from 7 in the morning until 8, 9, 10, sometimes even like last night, i had loud hot rods and bass at 2 :30 in the morning!!!

Tell me how it is right or fair that i am to just grow a pair, put up and shut up when this is my HOME??????

I hope the American With Disabilities Act office reads this. I hope TV stations will pick my story up and tell it finally.

I cannot live like this anymore. I just can’t do it.

My Go Fund Me, because i want to move where i know i will have local friends, and all the services i need.

https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4

My Night Of Lamentations

I have no hope whatsoever for a decent existence now. No more will the police help me, and the mean bully across the street knows this, and is giving me the night from HELL. I do not know if i will make it now. I am sick, having one meltdown after another.


 

I don’t care about whether it rains or not anymore
I don’t care anymore because nobody cares about me
I don’t care because i evidently do not matter to most ppl
I don’t care anymore if they haul me off
I don’t care if they kill me
I just want out of my misery and hell.


 

I have lost all faith in humankind and in God now.


 

I am so upset and discouraged at the way my police dept has decided to blow my problems off that i left several of the Santa Maria groups i was in. As soon as i am able to move, and know i can move somewhere decent, it is not going to be anywhere else in Santa Maria. I can promise you all that!! I am DONE with this town and the way its police dept has let me down!!! Done, done, and done!!!


 

I needed someone to physically talk to right now, so i called the national crisis hotline. I wish i could say it made me feel better.

What would make me feel better right now is to win enough money in tonight’s (Weds) night’s lottery, so i can move away from this pit of hell as fast as i can. To a place where i know i won’t face bullies who torment me right outside of my house day and even night. Like i have here. Where i also won’t have to call the police anymore either.

I no longer consider police my friends. At all.


 

This night is lasting way too long. And then i know my daytime will be more of the same of what i had yesterday. And now i have no more police to help me. This feels like one long dark tunnel that i cannot seem to climb out of.


 

I am an Autistic adult in peril, and i need help, please!! I need for my community to see me as the human being i am, to see my plight as the very real nightmare it is, and to not force me to have to endure it any longer. I no longer feel like i am at home here. I no longer feel safe. I no longer feel like i am going to make it. Because my police dept has given up on me.

An Open Letter, Because I Am About To Run Away

I apologize upfront that this is not paragraphed properly. I did paragraph it properly, but everytime i go to re-edit it, it refuses to separate the paragraphs.

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I wrote the following letter to the chief of my city’s police dept., because i no longer seem to be getting anywhere with trying to get a new beat coordinator to help me with my still ongoing cancerous neighborhood issues. I sent it, thinking wow, i finally am going to get his ear, and he will get me the help i have been crying out for from my city’s police dept.!

In fact, now a sergeant, Sgt. R. M., who does not understand my plight and who thinks i should just snap my fingers and move—–oh yes, it’s just that easy—–and i mean that sarcastically, of course!!—-has now banned me from calling anyone but him about my neighborhood issues. it is not easy for me when people don’t—or won’t—take the time to understand–and they do what this sergeant has done, just lock me out. Now i am having the night from hell because now i want to run away.

But noooooo—as soon as i sent the very well-written email off to the police chief, i got a Daemon failure notice—-email failed to send because wrong DNS whatever.

So, i am going to publish that letter here, in hopes that the chief will some how, some way, come across it.

Dear Chief M,

I am finally writing to you because i am very upset about the way i am once again being treated and blown off by my city’s police department. I have reached the point where i feel i may need to take my story to the media.

Because i feel as though my police department has abandoned me again.

I am writing to let you know about my plight. I’m an Autistic 56 year old adult, who is in very poor physical health, and i have been housebound, unable to drive or go much of anywhere since April of 2012. I cannot even walk too far because of my legs. So, i am cooped up in this tiny 550-foot cottage on an almost 24/7 basis. My tiny home has become a prison and a torture chamber. I have become deeply depressed, and this depression grows deeper every day because i feel isolated and cut off from people, my community, and life. Yes, when people are nice and accepting of me, i am a people person who enjoys going places like the ocean, movies, church, out to eat, etc. But i don’t get to do those things anymore because of my failing health.
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I have lived here on *** Street for the past 25 years in a duplex that is owned by my mother. The past 24 of these years have been a hell that i have never been able to successfully escape…not for lack of trying….but being that i have never worked, all i have had to live on all of my adult years is my monthly Social Security benefits. I only continue to live here on *** Street because i have no where else to go. My hell is mainly caused by men who work and hang out at some of the nearby businesses who bully and terrorize me because they think it is a fun sport. I lack the filters to be able to ignore them, especially when they deliberately revv their motors, scream loud banshee yells at me, lay on their car horns, and blast their amplified loud thunder bass. These noises are severely painful for me to hear, and i scream and meltdown because of the agony this causes me.
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It is not like i can live my life with headphones and earplugs on 24/7, just to adapt my own home environment, where i should feel safe, to the outside world. I did not choose to move here, and believe me, if i had been able to choose where to live, it would have never been here. I live here only because it’s the only thing available for me.
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I used to feel safe when i knew i could always pick up the phone and have either Lt. K. G. or Lt. C. R. to talk to and help me, and then earlier this year, i had Jason. Now i am back to having no one to call and talk to. 
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My new beat coordinator, P. S., and Sgt. R. M. both tell my mother and i that they are too busy helping others to help me, and that is the God’s truth. I have talked to Officer S; my mom has talked to Sgt. R. M., and both seem to not have any real understanding of my circumstances. Nor do they seem to want to. In fact, today my mom was told that all future phone calls concerning my plight on *** Street are to now be referred to Sgt. R. M.
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I am afraid to talk to most people as a rule until i get to know them and feel safe with them. I am very timid about phone calls, because most people seem to lack a true understanding of my Autism, how it manifests, and what my plight with my living environment is. I deal the best with people who are friendly, open and accepting, people who make me feel that my feelings and needs are being truly validated. I shut down on people who are rude, curt, who don’t listen, who interrupt, talk over me, down to me, and treat me like i don’t matter. I have always been very afraid to deal with Sgt. R. M. because he is like that, and now it seems like i am being forced to.
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Two years ago, i remember that you talked to my friend H, and promised her that as long as you were chief, my calls for service would not be ignored any longer. And now, even Cmndr. K. G. ignores me. Which really hurts, because i have always considered him to be a real friend and ally.
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Here is what i am asking of you.
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1) Please don’t force me to have to work with either R. M. or P. S. anymore. Please find me someone who will be like Jason was, 
**who will get the speed trailer back on my street more often, on my side of the street where i can enjoy watching it work from my front lawn, 
**who will set me up with regular patrols, 
**who will talk to me,
**who will talk to my neighbors and explain to them how i am trapped here, how this is my home, and how the loud hot rodding, banshee yells, excessive horn honking, and thunder bass noise affects me worse than ever now because my physical health is failing now, and i can no longer go anywhere to escape it anymore.
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2) Please also ask Cmndr. K. G. to at least talk to me once a week. Again, i only feel safe with certain people, because when people are rude, condescending, talk down to me, or over me, and blow me off, that is a real sensory issue for me that keeps me upset for days, with meltdowns.
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The meltdowns i have when a car revvs its motor or blares their thunder bass, or people lay on their car horns or banshee yell at me, are severe, and cause me to get physically ill to my stomach. 
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Having the speed trailer here was a real comfort to me, as i felt it protected me from all the harsh noises and even the mean bullies. I know you only have a few of those, but i have even offered to pay your department a monthly fee to rent it on a regular basis. 
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I do have a possible way to move in the Spring of 2018. But while i am still here, it’d mean the world to me if my police department would care again, and work with me, please.
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I am enclosing pictures of the speed trailer that i enjoyed watching.
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I fervently hope this letter reaches you, and not R. M., or anyone else who may not get my plight. Please help me. You are my last hope.
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Sincerely,
Melissa Fields, *** Street
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P. S.~~I am also enclosing a link to my Go Fund Me page. Maybe the police department can all get together and purchase a speed trailer for me, like the RU2 Systems Kustom Signals one that was here?
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