When you were born autistic and your family all think of you as too weird, too different, a problem and an embarrassment, and tell you, over and over and over again that you will never ever succeed in life, this is what happens…..
Another episode in the life of a lifelong autistic adult who got born into the wrong family. And whose whole life has been utterly ruined because of being born into a hateful bigoted family who hated me for my being too different and weird for their tidy narrow shallow lives.
This morning I am deeply depressed, have an anxiety-induced upset tummy, and am also hella worried my house won’t pass its inspection on Monday.
I’m worried my life is going to get worse, not better, and that I will be thrown into a hell even worse than I am in now, where I will never be able to get out of financially, and well, on all levels.
I want so badly to pack my bags ad run away—today.
If I win the lottery tonight, I will get $15,409,000 million net, after taxes.
I do not plan to live in my family’s cottage anymore if I win tonight. My mom has made it clear I am the third class citizen here, that this is the Family’s home, not mine anymore like it was in her old will, and that my family (3 of my siblings) all hate me and want to sell these two cottages where I live, and have me thrown into a nursing home.
On Thursday, “that holiday day”, I was all excited about the good food I was going to get that night…but that was not to be…..my mother got me all riled up again about the damn inspection that is happening on Monday….insisting it is actually scheduled for between the hours of 2 and 5 PM, not the 12 and 2 PM that they told me themselves in a text that is very much on my phone.
When I got overwhelmed after her calling me a second time over moss on the rooves of our front porches, she angrily mocked my very sanity, calling me mentally “off”…..
then my sister got on the phone to lecture me….
I messaged Connie to vent and got her all upset too, when she was in the middle of preparing a lavish Thanksgiving meal for all of us to partake in, and using this meal—and day—as a tribute to her late parents.
Yeah….my mother ruined the day for all of us on Thurs. Why she picked a holiday to stir me up, knowing full well how I would react, I don’t know or understand, and I am still reeling / hurting from her cruelty and insensitivity of me that day.
I love my mother, but I forget that yes, she can be mean sometimes too, very mean in fact, and even play her little head games with me.
That is exactly where I get my deep-seated trust and abandonment issues….I get it from my E N T I R E family…..yes, even my mother and two nice sisters who are mostly nice to me, but then can go into moods where I get literally lectured, proselytized at to go back to my very unpleasant Catholic faith, gaslit, mind-fucked, and thrown under the bus.
Which is why I am so dark in my writings all the time.
I play the Powerball lottery because I am unable to work….as a way to break free from the control of this family who hate me and who think of me as a problem, embarrassment and a monster,
It overflows into every single aspect of my day, and I write to reach out and educate that not all of us who are autistic have nice accepting families who go to the moon and back for us so we have a secure safety net for our lives.
I write in hopes someone with the means will read my story and take me under their wing to help get me from this endless dark abyss, to a place of happy and secure.
Because I hurt 24 / 7. I am lonely, and housebound, unable to drive anymore, and I now need personal caregivers to function and be able to remain in my own home.
It doesn’t matter that I now have end stage kidney disease.
These days, I am painfully reminded—daily now—that this cottage I live in is not my own home anymore. It is always loudly implied that I’m just a useless eater and squatter in homes that belong to The Family. This tiny cottage and the cottage next door, belongs to my mom and the three siblings in my family who all hate my literal guts. Who are bugging my mom to sell these and have me put into a rest home.
Each time I lose the lottery, I get deeply depressed, discouraged and despondent, because I cannot work due to the way my disabilities manifest…I have never *been* able to work my entire adult life because of my disabilities.
And my whole family throws THAT in my face too…accusing me of faking my disabilities because I am actually “just lazy” in *their* eyes.
I also have daily soo-eee ideations because every time I think there’s a real light of hope at the end of this dark long 62 year old tunnel…..that light gets shut off or put even farther away out of my reach.
I can’t go on this way much longer. I need a way out, or my only recourse is to stop dialysis and just let nature take over my body.
Please…is there someone who has the means who can get me out of this hell scape on earth I am in???