Tag Archives: Autistic Adult

I Don’t Want To Be Alone Anymore

From two Facebook posts i made just now……

Post One

I had a VERY weird dream while i slept. it was a nightmare, in fact.

I dreamed that i was alone here. Connie had gone home. It was night, but strangely still light outside, and it was overcast, misty, and wet outside. In fact, the outside had the blue tint of dusk settling in when it’s cloudy and overcast.

Suddenly i saw a group of cars crowd outside where the appliance shop used to be, and all over the street. Then i heard a gunshot, followed by someone yelling in pain. Then another gunshot, followed by another yell from that person, who had a male voice.

I got scared, frightened, but couldn’t move out of my chair where i was sleeping. I was literally paralyzed in fear.

I finally managed to get out of my chair and use my computer chair to block my view so no one from outside could see me, and i tried my best to call 911. I got a male presenting dispatcher, but could not hear them.

Suddenly, one of the bad men came into my carport and began to banshee yell and kick the outer security door on the door to my middle room. He kept kicking the door and yelling. Then more of them came right into my yard.

I tried again to get 911 on the phone and couldn’t even get my words out.

I awoke from this dream at 11:32 PM, to find that my small alarm clock was blinking. Which meant i must of had a power glitch while i was asleep. My clock on my answering machine was fine, and my DR showed no interruptions in the recording of the two newscasts i record every night to watch when i wake from my after dinner sleeptime.

I have come to the conclusion that i don’t want to live alone anymore.

ESPECIALLY NOT HERE in this neighborhood where i do have neighbors who do NOT have my back at all….but neighbors who are mostly all either the type to not get involved, or they are the mean ones who torment and bully me.

I at least want to live where i have nice neighbors surrounding me who are the kind who will adapt me and actually look out for me, while i still live in my own house. Then it won’t be so bad living in my own house by myself.

I am ALL alone tonight, and yes, i am scared right now.

Post Two

I am really having a bad night tonight. My TV reception began cutting out, searching for satellite signal was coming on, TV screen pixelating and freezing,—-and it isn’t even stormy here—-AT ALL!!!!

It’s fine now, not doing it anymore—– but yeah—after the nightmare i just had, and discovering that my power had glitched while i was sleeping, well, everything is spooking me right now and yes, i AM all alone here, isolated with no one nearby in this neighborhood to call if i have problems—yes, i could call Connie if i have real problems, but i don’t want to ruin her sleep just because tonight i happen to be scared and need someone here to be with me because i am just scared.

I just don’t like how i am feeling tonight.

I want to cry.

I really do want to move where i have nice neighbors around me day and night who will care and look out for me. I don’t want to live in this aluminum hot rod and mean bully alley anymore.


An Open Letter To The US House Of Representatives

Sunday, December 3, 2017

Dear US House and Senate both,

Re: Tax Reform Bill

My name is Melissa Fields. I live in Santa Maria CA. This is my story.

I am 57 years old, and #Disabled. I am Autistic and also physically disabled due to debilitating hip, back, and knee pain, plus chronic lymhedema on both of my legs. In addition, I have a large lymphedema lump on the inside of my left thigh that is literally larger than the size of a basketball. It is every bit as firm as a basketball too. This greatly limits my mobility.

I am disabled by many Autistic sensory issues, to certain types of noise, touching certain things/foods, harsh lighting, certain music, and being around people when they are rude and unfriendly. I am also disabled because I can barely walk and badly need more than just my quad cane and walker to get around. I also have issues with executive functioning.

I have never been able to work at a job my entire life because my above disabilities have prevented me from being able to secure and keep a job.

I have lived on SSI, then Social Security Survivor’s benefits my entire adult life. In addition, I also depend on both Medicare and Medicaid for my healthcare, and in home caregiver that comes to help me six days a week.

In addition, the Olmstead Law has allowed me to be able to enjoy living in my own small cottage. My Section 8 Public Housing Assistance helps me so I can actually afford to pay my rent each month. A CARE discount that I get each month also allows me to be able to afford to pay my monthly utilities. I am proud that I have been able to live on my own without much undue hardship for the past 30 years of my life. Before my lymphedema got bad, I even drove and had a car from 1990 till 2012.

I am writing this on behalf of myself and all of my friends in the Disability Community who, like me, either cannot work, or who are going to school or through Vocational Rehabilitation, in an effort to gain employment.

I am writing on behalf of my Disabled friends who already are working, but still need help with healthcare, necessary medications, mobility equipment and personal care so they can keep their jobs.

I am writing this on behalf of all veterans who have fought for this country who need services.

I am writing on behalf of senior citizens who depend on Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, Housing, and other vital programs that help with their quality of life. And yes, I fall into this category now.

Please don’t let this tax bill become law the way it is written. If it does, you will be forcing all of us who are poor, Disabled, elderly, etc. into grave undue hardship, homelessness, and death. Many will have to drop out of school, and stop working, and those of us who cannot work, who depend on our social safety net for our very survival, will be plunged into utter devastation and despair. Many of us, like myself, have no family to help us if this should happen.

If i don’t have personal in home care, I will cease to live.

Please. I urge you to think of the millions of real human beings this tax bill will be hurting. Please don’t cut Medicare and Medicaid. or Housing. Or tax those of us who can least afford it.

I am all for tax reform—but only the kind of tax reform that is truly just and fair for ALL of us.Me on September 27, 2014-2



CW: This is not a fat shaming post. This is a Melissa health post, because i am perishing.

I slept all day today, and had nothing but nice travel dreams where i was traveling, by airplane, to the East Coast, and in the latest dream before waking up at 4 PM, i was traveling to Bloomington Indiana, a place i did once visit back in July 1983.

I so wish i still weighed at least 175 lbs again, with no leg problems, and could get another car and drive again—-and even fly places to go see my FB friends. I don’t need to be reed thin, just at least back down to between 175-200 pounds. That would get me back to a better place physically- functionality wise, to where i could do all of those things again. I know it would help the lymphedema in my legs too.

I want to repeat again: I am not fat shaming by saying what i am saying. My body is shutting down. I am shutting down. I can no longer function like i need and want to because i weight about 350 lbs now, and i have bad back, knee, and hip problems, as well as the lymphedema on both legs—-AND the huge lymphedema ROCK on the inside of my left thigh.

The lymhedema was caused by me not being able to sleep laying down anymore, but sleeping for 8 years, from 2004 to 2012, on a badly broken down living room sofa that bore into my left leg and thigh, especially. I would sleep sitting up, with my feet on the floor, which is bad for leg circulation.

In addition, i have always been, and sill am addicted to junk food to help keep me calm because of this hellish street i live on, stuck day in and day out, inside this house, because i never feel well enough to get in the shower so i can get out and about and get my hair colored anymore.

Having so few people actually care about me in real life—-(i do have my mom, one nice sister, Connie, and my Facebook friends, but no in real life local friends or family support other than my mom and one nice sister)—-has worn me, and my body completely down.

In addition—i have to endure day in and out, unbearable loud hot rodding and thunder bass noise right in front of my house on a street where the speed limit is 25 MPH.

I never get to go anywhere anymore because of my physical circumstances. It is even now hard for me to keep doctor’s appointments. It is getting harder and harder for me to even want to get out of my soft comfortable life chair anymore.

I am depressed all the time now, and don’t have the will to live anymore, so i am praying daily that either God lets me win the lottery so i can escape this toxic neighborhood, or for God to please take me—-because i cannot bear the way things are any longer.

I am an Autistic adult and i feel trapped with no way out of these circumstances.

My Night Of Lamentations

I have no hope whatsoever for a decent existence now. No more will the police help me, and the mean bully across the street knows this, and is giving me the night from HELL. I do not know if i will make it now. I am sick, having one meltdown after another.


I don’t care about whether it rains or not anymore
I don’t care anymore because nobody cares about me
I don’t care because i evidently do not matter to most ppl
I don’t care anymore if they haul me off
I don’t care if they kill me
I just want out of my misery and hell.


I have lost all faith in humankind and in God now.


I am so upset and discouraged at the way my police dept has decided to blow my problems off that i left several of the Santa Maria groups i was in. As soon as i am able to move, and know i can move somewhere decent, it is not going to be anywhere else in Santa Maria. I can promise you all that!! I am DONE with this town and the way its police dept has let me down!!! Done, done, and done!!!


I needed someone to physically talk to right now, so i called the national crisis hotline. I wish i could say it made me feel better.


What would make me feel better right now is to win enough money in tonight’s (Weds) night’s lottery, so i can move away from this pit of hell as fast as i can. To a place where i know i won’t face bullies who torment me right outside of my house day and even night. Like i have here. Where i also won’t have to call the police anymore either.


I no longer consider police my friends. At all.


This night is lasting way too long. And then i know my daytime will be more of the same of what i had yesterday. And now i have no more police to help me. This feels like one long dark tunnel that i cannot seem to climb out of.


I am an Autistic adult in peril, and i need help, please!! I need for my community to see me as the human being i am, to see my plight as the very real nightmare it is, and to not force me to have to endure it any longer. I no longer feel like i am at home here. I no longer feel safe. I no longer feel like i am going to make it. Because my police dept has given up on me.

I Am Autistic, Not Spoiled


I am Autistic
I am not a behavior problem
I am not a faulty broken appliance
My Autism
is a neurological developmental disability
That i cannot just take on and off
like one takes on and off their jacket or clothing
I cannot help it that i am easily triggered by
Abrupt changes
Changes happening that happens
without my first being told about it
and prepared for it
Harsh impatient angry tones of voice
Harsh impatient angry looks on the faces of others
Certain foods
Certain songs
Certain smells and scents
Certain atmospheres
Certain textures
Certain lighting,
especially if it is intensely strobe-like
The dark
Being chided or made fun of
Being told i said or did this or that
when i know i didn’t say or do that thing
Being told things are a certain way
when i knew they were another way
I am ultra sensitive to being criticized,
talked down to, condescended to and yelled at
Please understand when i am having a meltdown
it is not a temper tantrum
the meltdown has happened because
something has triggered me and
caused me sensory pain and anguish
sensory pain and anguish that is very real to me
As if i was being actually physically hit
or stabbed or whipped
it is especially at that time that
i need to be treated gently
My Autism cannot be fixed or cured
or scolded and yelled away
Nor can i separate myself from my Autism
It IS a part of me
It is all of who i am
My Autism does define me
It defines all of who i am
God made me and all other Autistic people
Please understand that I am me,
i cannot be and act the normal
that the world wants me to be.
Please understand this.
I love you, everyone.
I love you all,
and i really hurt when i feel
people don’t love and care about me.
Please let me be me and
don’t hate me for being my Actually Autistic me.

Rivers Of Anguish, Rivers Of Hope

Below are some of my latest posts. Because i am needing to write. because i really do need help. Because i really do need a way out of this jail i am trapped in. This jail that is made up of my toxic neighborhood, and the tiny 550 square foot box that i am confined to.

Sunday, Sept. 18, 2016–7:03 AM

“Oh boy, the sun is up early!! GRRRRRRRRRR!!! 😡 It’s gonna be hot today….i am so not looking forward to that!!! 😡

Grumpy me is going back to bed because it is still nice and cool right now, and i will just hope for the best, that my house doesn’t warm up too badly.

Just…..GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! 😡 ”

Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–2:53 PM

“Oh God, this is AWFUL!!!!!!!!!! My living room is an awful hotter than Hades OVEN this afternoon—-i should have had the A/C window open—-it is not, and I AM SUFFERING HOLY HELL!!!!!!!”

Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–4:14 PM

“I am okay now. My mom called the fire dept. for me, and they sent a nice police officer over to open my A/C window, so now i have the A/C going, and my living room is cooling off nicely. It got very HOT today, and i was almost ready to suffer heat exhaustion. Because here in my living room, it felt like it was 100 degrees. I was seriously burning up.

I REALLY hate my Sundays though, because i am alone with no one to help me at all on Sundays. At least i know i can call the fire dept or police if need be.

I think i will go cry now. I really feel like crying now. 😥 I HATE having to be alone anymore!!!! 😥 “

Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–5:10 PM

“I am glad i did not have to die in my hot living room today, very thankful for the nice police officer who opened my air conditioner window for me—very thankful that my air conditioner still works!!! 🙂 “

Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–6:09 PM

“The KSBY website says Santa Maria is still at 80 degrees as of now. YIKES!!!! :O “

Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–6:56 PM

“I am glad the sun is setting now. I really want to move where it doesn’t get hot like this!! Yes, i am serious about this!! Because……i actually had to get a police officer to come to open my A/C window today because i was getting overheated to where i was going to pass out.

I had my mom call the fire dept. to do this, but instead, a nice police officer showed up to open the window for me.

Like i say—i’m glad i had this help. Otherwise i would have had to call an ambulance.

I am going to go eat dinner now.”

Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–8:44 PM

“Here are the places i would go if i could still drive and still had a car—but i had someone who would go with me so i am not having to go all alone:
*The San Luis Obispo Farmer’s Market
*Avila Beach/Harford Pier/Pismo Beach/Shell Beach
*Avila Valley Barn
*The movies
*Panera Bread
*Solvang/Los Alamos
*Downtown Friday Nights farmer’s Market
*Cool Hand Luke’s for ribs
*San Luis Obispo downtown/the mission
*Morro Bay/Cambria/San Simeon
*Crumbles Restaurant
*F. McKlintock’s for ribs
*Woodstock’s Pizza
*Waller Park
*a nice laid back church that accepts Neurodiverse, LGBTQ, and all marginalized people
I wish i had local friends who would take me to these places. I wish i was not all alone. I wish my family cared about me. I wish i was not in this trap, this cage i am in.”

9:43 PM

“I just watched the news as it was on after the Sunday night NFL football game, and found out that today’s temp in Santa Maria got up to 96 sizzling hot degrees. No wonder i was having heart palpitations, and feeling hot, flushed, and like i was going to pass out!!

If i had not of had my mom call to get someone over here—-a nice police officer came—-to open my air conditioner window, i could have died today. I am still feeling very rattled, and am now afraid to turn off the air conditioner for fear i will feel like passing out again.

96 degrees is way too hot for someone like me to have to sit in a living room that has turned into a hot oven; because of my leg condition, and i am also 3x to 4x plus-sized, with a new problem: low kidney function….i cannot get by without the air conditioner.

I am going to have potato chips dipped in ketchup now. Because that is what i am craving. I am also craving soft and doughy homemade sugar cookies. But i don’t have those, so….yeah…..

I hate my Sundays on desert island!! 😥 “

9:44 PM

“Yes, 96 degrees is way too hot for me!!! 😦 “

I then posted memes about Autumn, because i love that season, when the leaves all turn such beautiful colors, and the days are just warm enough to be comfortable, and the nights are nice and cool. I also posted a meme about all of the soft and doughy looking Christmas cookies i would love to have this Christmas.

I really am alone, and so lonely for local friends.
I am lonely to have more caring people in my life.
I am sad because most of my family coldly ignore me.
I am in pain all the time because of my legs, and this leg tumor makes it so hard to even sit and enjoy my computer.
This Spring and every Spring now when the hills are bright green from our winter rains, i always miss getting to get out on drives to see them and take pictures of them.
I long to live where i can see beauty outside—not these ugly yellow tin buildings all day long.

I am hoping that i can at least get my own speed radar trailer. I made a Go Fund Me page for that, and to also raise the money for a move to a place whee i will have the above things i so long to have.

I so hope someone will help me, please.




Please Stop & Listen To Me–I Need More Allies & Friends

I have spent the past several hours sleeping, and plan to sleep more.
I sleep all the time because i am not happy anymore.
I need the police to be real allies to me.
I need for them to stop ignoring me.
I need to have the speed trailer back on my street.
I need for my legs to work again, for this awful leg tumor to be gone.
I need for my next door neighbors to hurry up and move, because of the tension they still cause for me.
I need in real life local friends who will be willing to take me places so i can get out of this box once in a while.
I need for my family to wake up and start caring and understanding and accepting me as i am.
I need them to learn about my Autism and understand it once and for all.
I am tired on all levels.
It is a deep tired of all of my lifetime goals being lost to me.
A deep tired of not having things to look forward to and hope for anymore.
I dread each day because of the street noise and the next door neighbors.
This needs to change.
It isn’t just me, it is many elderly and disabled people who are in this same or similar boat.
Society throws us away and ignores us because we are too inconvenient to them.
We need for you to all care, to get in the cubby hole under the stairs and sit there with us, when we go in there, instead of yelling at us to get out of there.
What harm would it do to let me play with your shiny hair, big sister?
What harm would it do to listen to the story i have told, to see why i told it, to understand why i told my story—-which is because you all have essentially left me to live alone and lonely my whole life, always on the outside, always on the fringes.
I was always the last one to know things.
Please don’t tell your Autistic/Disabled children/kids/relatives
that they will never date
never drive
never have a job
never have friends or romantic relationships
or that they don’t know what’s going on or how to think for themselves
that is Othering and making us feel like we are wrong, less than and don’t belong when we DO belong.
Remember this:
Children are developing human beings, and even though we may develop at a different pace, does not mean we won’t be able to do all the above things.
We are still human beings, capable of great success, all our families have to do is BELIEVE in us and not ignore and discard us to sit alone in our rooms.
Many a time i would sit alone in my room and cry wondering why you all hated me?
God made us, and God did not make and does not make mistakes, so why do you so easily discard us?
Think about it….please listen to me because my health is now failing and i honestly do not know whether i will be around that much longer because of my health issues.
Yes, i needed to write this.
Yes, everyone needs to read this and take this to heart.
I do not want to be alone anymore. It hurts like hell to be alone.
This is why i have turned to certain roads, highways and electronics and made them imaginary friends.
This is why i made a friend out of the speed trailer when it was here.
Exactly why.
I hope and pray i get that back within the next two weeks, maybe even this week.
Yes, because it’s my friend and i feel it protects me when it is here.
I loved to sit outside and watch it working, so i hope it goes back on my side of the street again where i can easily watch it working again.
But it also makes people drive the speed limit, even slower, and lessens the loudness of the noise, and it also takes care of the loud hot rodding too.
Please, God, let this week be the start of life getting better for me again.
Thank you.

My Go Fund Me:  https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4