Monthly Archives: October 2016

My Night Of Lamentations

I have no hope whatsoever for a decent existence now. No more will the police help me, and the mean bully across the street knows this, and is giving me the night from HELL. I do not know if i will make it now. I am sick, having one meltdown after another.

+++

I don’t care about whether it rains or not anymore
I don’t care anymore because nobody cares about me
I don’t care because i evidently do not matter to most ppl
I don’t care anymore if they haul me off
I don’t care if they kill me
I just want out of my misery and hell.

+++

I have lost all faith in humankind and in God now.

+++

I am so upset and discouraged at the way my police dept has decided to blow my problems off that i left several of the Santa Maria groups i was in. As soon as i am able to move, and know i can move somewhere decent, it is not going to be anywhere else in Santa Maria. I can promise you all that!! I am DONE with this town and the way its police dept has let me down!!! Done, done, and done!!!

+++

I needed someone to physically talk to right now, so i called the national crisis hotline. I wish i could say it made me feel better.

+++

What would make me feel better right now is to win enough money in tonight’s (Weds) night’s lottery, so i can move away from this pit of hell as fast as i can. To a place where i know i won’t face bullies who torment me right outside of my house day and even night. Like i have here. Where i also won’t have to call the police anymore either.

+++

I no longer consider police my friends. At all.

+++

This night is lasting way too long. And then i know my daytime will be more of the same of what i had yesterday. And now i have no more police to help me. This feels like one long dark tunnel that i cannot seem to climb out of.

+++

I am an Autistic adult in peril, and i need help, please!! I need for my community to see me as the human being i am, to see my plight as the very real nightmare it is, and to not force me to have to endure it any longer. I no longer feel like i am at home here. I no longer feel safe. I no longer feel like i am going to make it. Because my police dept has given up on me.

Advertisements

An Open Letter, Because I Am About To Run Away

I apologize upfront that this is not paragraphed properly. I did paragraph it properly, but everytime i go to re-edit it, it refuses to separate the paragraphs.

+++

I wrote the following letter to the chief of my city’s police dept., because i no longer seem to be getting anywhere with trying to get a new beat coordinator to help me with my still ongoing cancerous neighborhood issues. I sent it, thinking wow, i finally am going to get his ear, and he will get me the help i have been crying out for from my city’s police dept.!

In fact, now a sergeant, Sgt. R. M., who does not understand my plight and who thinks i should just snap my fingers and move—–oh yes, it’s just that easy—–and i mean that sarcastically, of course!!—-has now banned me from calling anyone but him about my neighborhood issues. it is not easy for me when people don’t—or won’t—take the time to understand–and they do what this sergeant has done, just lock me out. Now i am having the night from hell because now i want to run away.

But noooooo—as soon as i sent the very well-written email off to the police chief, i got a Daemon failure notice—-email failed to send because wrong DNS whatever.

So, i am going to publish that letter here, in hopes that the chief will some how, some way, come across it.

Dear Chief M,

I am finally writing to you because i am very upset about the way i am once again being treated and blown off by my city’s police department. I have reached the point where i feel i may need to take my story to the media.

Because i feel as though my police department has abandoned me again.

I am writing to let you know about my plight. I’m an Autistic 56 year old adult, who is in very poor physical health, and i have been housebound, unable to drive or go much of anywhere since April of 2012. I cannot even walk too far because of my legs. So, i am cooped up in this tiny 550-foot cottage on an almost 24/7 basis. My tiny home has become a prison and a torture chamber. I have become deeply depressed, and this depression grows deeper every day because i feel isolated and cut off from people, my community, and life. Yes, when people are nice and accepting of me, i am a people person who enjoys going places like the ocean, movies, church, out to eat, etc. But i don’t get to do those things anymore because of my failing health.
+++
I have lived here on *** Street for the past 25 years in a duplex that is owned by my mother. The past 24 of these years have been a hell that i have never been able to successfully escape…not for lack of trying….but being that i have never worked, all i have had to live on all of my adult years is my monthly Social Security benefits. I only continue to live here on *** Street because i have no where else to go. My hell is mainly caused by men who work and hang out at some of the nearby businesses who bully and terrorize me because they think it is a fun sport. I lack the filters to be able to ignore them, especially when they deliberately revv their motors, scream loud banshee yells at me, lay on their car horns, and blast their amplified loud thunder bass. These noises are severely painful for me to hear, and i scream and meltdown because of the agony this causes me.
 +++
It is not like i can live my life with headphones and earplugs on 24/7, just to adapt my own home environment, where i should feel safe, to the outside world. I did not choose to move here, and believe me, if i had been able to choose where to live, it would have never been here. I live here only because it’s the only thing available for me.
+++
I used to feel safe when i knew i could always pick up the phone and have either Lt. K. G. or Lt. C. R. to talk to and help me, and then earlier this year, i had Jason. Now i am back to having no one to call and talk to. 
+++
My new beat coordinator, P. S., and Sgt. R. M. both tell my mother and i that they are too busy helping others to help me, and that is the God’s truth. I have talked to Officer S; my mom has talked to Sgt. R. M., and both seem to not have any real understanding of my circumstances. Nor do they seem to want to. In fact, today my mom was told that all future phone calls concerning my plight on *** Street are to now be referred to Sgt. R. M.
+++
I am afraid to talk to most people as a rule until i get to know them and feel safe with them. I am very timid about phone calls, because most people seem to lack a true understanding of my Autism, how it manifests, and what my plight with my living environment is. I deal the best with people who are friendly, open and accepting, people who make me feel that my feelings and needs are being truly validated. I shut down on people who are rude, curt, who don’t listen, who interrupt, talk over me, down to me, and treat me like i don’t matter. I have always been very afraid to deal with Sgt. R. M. because he is like that, and now it seems like i am being forced to.
+++
Two years ago, i remember that you talked to my friend H, and promised her that as long as you were chief, my calls for service would not be ignored any longer. And now, even Cmndr. K. G. ignores me. Which really hurts, because i have always considered him to be a real friend and ally.
+++
Here is what i am asking of you.
+++
1) Please don’t force me to have to work with either R. M. or P. S. anymore. Please find me someone who will be like Jason was, 
**who will get the speed trailer back on my street more often, on my side of the street where i can enjoy watching it work from my front lawn, 
**who will set me up with regular patrols, 
**who will talk to me,
**who will talk to my neighbors and explain to them how i am trapped here, how this is my home, and how the loud hot rodding, banshee yells, excessive horn honking, and thunder bass noise affects me worse than ever now because my physical health is failing now, and i can no longer go anywhere to escape it anymore.
+++
2) Please also ask Cmndr. K. G. to at least talk to me once a week. Again, i only feel safe with certain people, because when people are rude, condescending, talk down to me, or over me, and blow me off, that is a real sensory issue for me that keeps me upset for days, with meltdowns.
+++
The meltdowns i have when a car revvs its motor or blares their thunder bass, or people lay on their car horns or banshee yell at me, are severe, and cause me to get physically ill to my stomach. 
+++
Having the speed trailer here was a real comfort to me, as i felt it protected me from all the harsh noises and even the mean bullies. I know you only have a few of those, but i have even offered to pay your department a monthly fee to rent it on a regular basis. 
+++
I do have a possible way to move in the Spring of 2018. But while i am still here, it’d mean the world to me if my police department would care again, and work with me, please.
+++
I am enclosing pictures of the speed trailer that i enjoyed watching.
+++
I fervently hope this letter reaches you, and not R. M., or anyone else who may not get my plight. Please help me. You are my last hope.
+++
Sincerely,
Melissa Fields, *** Street
+++
P. S.~~I am also enclosing a link to my Go Fund Me page. Maybe the police department can all get together and purchase a speed trailer for me, like the RU2 Systems Kustom Signals one that was here?
+++
+++
031

I dare you

Michelle Sutton

I wrote this and published it on my old blog in November 2014. A year has passed, and I wish I could say that since then there has been no more news of violence against Autistic and otherwise neurodivergent and disabled children by their parents and carers. The fact is there has been story after story of parents who are convinced their imperfect child is the reason for all their woes, and so they act in unspeakably horrific ways toward them. The fact is, the media is still telling us all to feel sorry for this parents, rather than the victims- their children.

So, today, I am sharing this old piece of writing with you. Because nothing has changed.

View original post 668 more words

When Do We Get to Be Autistic?

I like to reblog some of the blogs i read, so that you, my readers can read these too. Reblogging this because this is so spot-on and applies to me—who is also an Autistic middle aged adult. We do have a voice, and we have stories to tell, if people would please listen to us.

Erin Human

img_3994

Image is a yellow/blue watercolored background with the text: I have been congratulated for “overcoming autism” : a well meaning gesture that means nothing at all. For a time I thought this was applause for having the ability to pass, but I have learned that it’s code for “we expect you to act normal now and anything that you can’t do we will consider a personal failing.” – eisforerin.com

*

I’m seeing a new therapist and I’ve told her how much I like to write; last week I told her that I haven’t blogged in a while because I haven’t had the time, but this morning I told her that I’ve realized I am not writing because I don’t know what to say.

She told me that it’s important to keep doing this so that I have a voice.

So I’m going to try to say some things.

*

I…

View original post 1,075 more words

In Case I Get Put In Facebook Jail, Please Help Me

The following link is my Go Fund Me appeal page. I am asking all who follow this blog to please retweet and post my appeal for me at least once a day, as Facebook is now getting upset with my posting my appeal page on there so often.

I am only trying my best to get the help i need so that i, an Autistic middle-aged adult, who is also physically disabled, housebound and alone, with no in real life local friends except for my caregiver, can move to a place where i can have the much needed peace i need, and i can, once and for all, finally get away from the bullies and awful loud verbal harassment, speeding, hot rodding, and racing, plus loud thunder bass noises that i have to contend with on a daily basis here where i live.

My life the way it is, is killing me inch by inch. Both mentally, emotionally, and physically. Most days, i am reduced to a screaming mess, and these meltdowns are making me actually sick. And now on top of this, Facebook is now giving me problems when i post my appeal and tag my friends so they can repost this.

I don’t know how i will be able to go on if Facebook should block and suspend my account. I really badly need my friends to get together and help me, please.

I do need to get out of this place as soon as possible. I no longer feel safe living here, especially now that the police seem to be ignoring me.

The link to my Go Fund Me is below. Thank you, everyone.

https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4

Would You Not Be Depressed Too If You Were Stuck In A Small Four-Walled Box?

136

I just wrote this. This explains why i am so deeply depressed and having so many meltdowns lately. It is hard—-way beyond hard—when my own home is right in front of a war zone full of bullies and i can never get out to go places to escape this hell. All i have to look at is a concrete and asphalt street and rows of ugly yellow tin buildings all day long.

I sleep all of the time now because i only feel safe when my caregiver is here. When she isn’t here, and the bullies are, they really crucify me….and they did so yesterday, so badly i almost fainted from screaming so strongly.

But PLEASE don’t blame my caregiver. She does all she can do for me, and does her best by me. She has a real heart for me, and cares deeply about me. She would do more if IHSS allowed it and if they paid IHSS caregivers mileage, and helped pay for their car insurance, and maintenance.

I also felt safe when the speed radar trailer was here. I so wish the police would bring that back for me. It calmed the street down, and even made the bullies stop picking on me while it was here, because the bullies saw me being able to interact with others, and i guess that made them feel like i was more of a human being than they thought i was.

I have a great and deep empathy for people, especially all of those who are my friends, you all do not realize how deeply i care about all of you—– but please forgive me——it is not always easy for me to show it because the mental pain and state of fear that i am all the time in is sometimes too great.

I know this comes across as me not caring abut the feelings of others, and what they are going through, but i can assure you all, that is so not the case.

I so wish i had my family around me, and that they would understand, accept me, and care about me. I would not feel so alone, so isolated, and and cut off!!

 

Yes, this is my life.

I am stuck living in a 4 walled box
I get to go to the bank once every month,
and sometimes to the doctor
Sometimes to the psych tech nurse who prescribes my Ativan
But that is it
It is not my caregiver’s fault
She would take me on outings
if IHSS allowed her to do so
But they don’t
When my caregiver is not here
I am all alone
and very lonely
I have no one to call
no one to talk to
when my caregiver isn’t here
because i have no nice neighbors around me
and no in real life local friends
no one at all
as most of my family live out of state now
they all moved when i was still doing well
when i still could drive
when i still had my health
when i could still get out and walk
when i could still go to church
but a bunch of traumatizing stuff happened in early 2012
that set me back mentally & emotionally
i had to stop driving due to that
i actually lost the ability to drive
at the same time, my leg tumor was growing too big too
which also made it hard for me to drive
And now today, i sit in my house
and life now is passing me by
most of my family ignore and shun me like i’m a plague
because they don’t get me, and get or understand my Autism
i do talk to my mom and she does what she can to help me
i also have one nice sister who cares about me
but again, both live out of state now
i talk to my mom sometimes several times a day
and write to my sister when i have the spoons
but otherwise i am all alone
i wish people would understand when i can’t smile
and when i have those days when i have more meltdowns  than usual
how hard this is on me to only get to see things through my TV and computer and front door now
yes i still have the bullies here who still
make my life even more of a living hell
yes, they still are at it
and now the police seem to be ignoring me
all of this is getting to me
i badly need a way out of here
as my physical health is failing
and i am about to break emotionally and mentally
my depression and despair is so deep
that i often have no strength to even get out of my lift chair
where i now sleep
i am sleeping all of the time now too
because it is my only true escape
except for when my caregiver comes
i have sadly grown to depend on her with my life
as she has become my only lifeline
i panic when she has to leave early, or when she gets sick
because i am scared to be awake now in the daytimes
when i am here all alone
because the bullies crucify me when she isn’t here
yes, that is when they do all the mean things
to antagonize me
i keep going on because i have no choice but to
but please forgive me when i cannot smile
when it gets too much for me that i end up melting down
i am in a pain so real and it is hard to put on normal when i want to run and scream and hide from it all
I hope i can get my miracle soon
so i can move and get better healthcare, and better adult services
I love my caregiver, she does her best by me
so please don’t blame her
but i do need a way out so i can have my joy and happiness and peace back.
Please.

My Go Fund Me is:  https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4

I Am Autistic, Not Spoiled

midnight-auroras-lake-superior-michigan

I am Autistic
I am not a behavior problem
I am not a faulty broken appliance
My Autism
is a neurological developmental disability
That i cannot just take on and off
like one takes on and off their jacket or clothing
I cannot help it that i am easily triggered by
Abrupt changes
Changes happening that happens
without my first being told about it
and prepared for it
Harsh impatient angry tones of voice
Harsh impatient angry looks on the faces of others
Certain foods
Certain songs
Certain smells and scents
Certain atmospheres
Certain textures
Certain lighting,
especially if it is intensely strobe-like
The dark
Being chided or made fun of
Being told i said or did this or that
when i know i didn’t say or do that thing
Being told things are a certain way
when i knew they were another way
I am ultra sensitive to being criticized,
talked down to, condescended to and yelled at
Please understand when i am having a meltdown
it is not a temper tantrum
the meltdown has happened because
something has triggered me and
caused me sensory pain and anguish
sensory pain and anguish that is very real to me
As if i was being actually physically hit
or stabbed or whipped
it is especially at that time that
i need to be treated gently
My Autism cannot be fixed or cured
or scolded and yelled away
Nor can i separate myself from my Autism
It IS a part of me
It is all of who i am
My Autism does define me
It defines all of who i am
God made me and all other Autistic people
Please understand that I am me,
i cannot be and act the normal
that the world wants me to be.
Please understand this.
I love you, everyone.
I love you all,
and i really hurt when i feel
people don’t love and care about me.
Please let me be me and
don’t hate me for being my Actually Autistic me.