Yes, folks, last month, a part time weekend caregiver who i was paying out of pocket because they did not do IHSS, decided to come to my house in one of her shitty moods, on the morning of Thursday July 9, 2020, and give me a morning from hell that caused me to not get my breakfast, or a way for me to get to dialysis.
Yes…she is the second caregiver in one year to leave me with nothing to eat, and no way to get to dialysis.
This happened a month ago, and now i have a new weekend and backup caregiver who I love….she is Connie’s daughter, and she like TC, takes me places, only she doesn’t come with the mean sarcastic snarkastic moods, and the constant complaining and whining the other weekend and backup caregiver came with. And she is IHSS certified, like Connie, my main caregiver.
That caregiver’s name who came in a bitchy mood, and who yelled at me in my own home, just like the brother sister caregiver did a year ago, was TC.
Here, one month later, is the post i wrote the morning i discovered she had blocked me on Facebook and Facebook Messenger, so that i could not write to her and thank her profusely for how she re-traumatized me that Thursday morning, for no fucking reason other than to just be a mean bitch. No shit. She just wanted to be a mean bitch.
She knew my story…because i told all to her….all about me being an autistic child who grew up misunderstood, yelled at, yelled down, scolded and discarded, and made to always feel so broken and defective. Then the string of horrific friendships, and then caregivers i had…she knew about it all. She said she was an empath who really cared….and that she would never ever do to me what those others did.
For you folks who don’t know me, i am Autistic. I was born Autistic..and i am going to die an Autistic. We Autistics are wired differently than you. That’s not bad or wrong. All i want is for people to understand and get this, get me, and be patient, and listen to me, and hear me and see me. And truly show up for me. It’s all i have ever wanted in life. To be free to be the ME that i am.
In 2012, my physical, emotional and mental health declined so much that i needed in home care…and that is when my problems began….but you can read my older blogs, to get the full story of all of that. I started this WordPress blog in March 2014.
Today, I am now in end stage kidney disease, and have been on in center hemo dialysis for two years.
And no, i’m not sorry i have an attitude as i write this. I am fed up with being treated like a third class citizen. I am still greatly hurt and pissed AF that yet another human being came into my life, and thought it was okay to come into my fucking home and fucking yell and scream at me and slam every thing under the sun in my kitchen right on my dialysis day, all because her home life wasn’t going how she liked it to be.
So…without further ado, below is the post, which i wrote on the morning of Saturday July 11, 2020 at 9:14 AM. And, for this blog, i have added to this post:
“Well, great…my now ex weekend and backup caregiver has me blocked.
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So, okay, T, now you can enjoy sleeping until 3 or 4 everyday, but you can now also enjoy life without the money you made working as my carer. You will not be able to afford your nice SUV, with the nice XM radio in it, and you will miss our Sunday outings, with all of the delicious food you got from me, all the trips we took to the ocean and Santa Barbara, and my unique silly goofy company. You won’t be able to buy new clothes. Or afford your car payments. You will be miserable.
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But you earned this by coming to my house LATE AF, with a shitty attitude AGAIN, and yelling at me on Thursday. Causing me to go hungry until i was able to get my neighbors to help me with food, AT 1:00 PM IN THE AFTERNOON—TWO HOURS AFTER I, A BORDERLINE TYPE 2 DIABETIC, EAT MY BREAKFAST—- and I MISSED ANOTHER ENTIRE DIALYSIS TREATMENT because you had to come to my house late, and in your hateful full on Princess Bitch Diva mode. Complete with the raised eyebrows above your eyeglasses, and the loud harsh sarcasm that did not have ANY mercy on me. Even when you saw and heard me sobbing and begging you to please stop yelling at me. You would not stop yelling. You kept it up, and kept at it, and kept at it.
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You always seemed to be sick, or have this and that thing happen on my dialysis days; you complained about shopping for my groceries; you seemed to have a complaint about everything under the sun. You made me feel rushed so that i could never finish my dialysis treatments. Yes…i was always cutting my dialysis treatments short so i could get out before 6 PM, or i would risk cutting into my hours with you, because you did not like staying past 7:30. You made awful mouth noises that triggered me. Yes, that, you would sing to the music in such a way that i could not enjoy listening to it. You snarked at me when i asked you to stop shaking my wheelchair so i could get decent pictures at the ocean. You also would order gobs and gobs of food when we would go eat, then take half of it home….when you knew i could ill afford it, as i was already paying you out of pocket. And i was paying you for gas, and to stay extra at dialysis when i was having problems with J and M.
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I could also mention the other things that were triggers for me, but that would just be me being a cruel person. I’ll just stick to the pertinent stuff.
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You had NO fucking RIGHT to come into my home and yell at me and give me the ugly attitude you gave me Thursday. NO right. Then to slam my things around in my kitchen. Then refuse to leave when i kept asking you to leave. Guess what? The neighbors are witness to the whole scene that transpired between you and i that morning. So is Shari. Yes, you left evidence for Shari to also see. (Shari is my kidney center social worker.)
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It is people like this who make life fucking hell for an autistic adult who needs care in order to function in life. I didn’t deserve your bullshit.
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You are the reason why i have the deep pervasive trust and abandonment issues i have today.
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You are why i now fear every new person that comes into my life, that they will do the same to me that you, and all the others, who don’t get, or want to get Autistic people, have done.
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In the end, you were a complete fake, and your care and compassion for me was, sorry, fake as fuck.
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I don’t usually do posts like this, but today, i am pissed AF, and i am fed the fuck UP with people like you thinking it is perfectly okay to take any and all of your own shittiness straight out on me because you think you can.
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So, enjoy your new life, “Princess Diva”. It’s been real.”
I am still pissed and hurt. If you want to be a personal care provider, pro-tip: it isn’t okay to treat those you come alongside to care for like we are your personal punching bags and personal ATM machines. In fact, it’s a hard NO. If you don’t have patience, and are just in it for your own selfish gain, you do not need to be a caregiver….go find another line of work to do.
Melissa Fields, Autist 