The Emptiness Is So Loud

When i look east on my street,

all i see is an empty spot where the

speed radar trailer once was parked

It makes me feel an emptiness so black and dark i cannot describe

I am Autistic and physically Disabled also I am lonely housebound,

unable to get out and go places and do things

all of my good friends are all on Facebook and live a long ways away

my caregiver is my friend also but she is unable to take me places and be here more than

my allotted hours

most of my family all shun and ignore me

i still have many painful issues with bullies in an auto shop across the way

when the speed trailer was here, it actually made me feel safe

to come out of my house for the first time

and it became a really cool imaginary friend to me because of my loneliness

The speed trailer actually even got me outside as i was fascinated

with how it looked, and worked

it was a very real security and a very real therapy to me that i grew to really need

i understand the police only have 3 speed trailers and a whole community to serve

but this still does not change how life has once become

again since they once again took it from me

i don’t understand why the police cannot apply to purchase more speed trailers

so that people like me who are trapped having to live here

with no place to go to escape the awful loud hot rodding

and i just have to sit here and listen to this loud hot rodding all day long

can have a working speed trailer here on a regular basis

when it calms the street

when it calms me down

when it brings me a way to have some actual enjoyment in my life

being able to watch it working everyday

i know they have 3 speed trailers

why can’t they purchase at least 3 more?

Then i can have one here

I plan to move by Spring of 2018

But until then, i am in agony

because of the noise and the loneliness

and nothing to do now because the speed trailer

once again has gone away

i so wish people would understand my plight

there is nothing wrong with me or my mind

this is the way i have always coped with my life as an Autistic because most people

misunderstand me and are so rude to me

so i have imaginary friends that i make out of certain

roads

highways

cable/satellite boxes

stereos

car stereos and

now two speed trailers that have been on my street,

a Wanco one and an RU2 Systems Fast 870

that i feel in love with even more than the Wanco one

which is why i created a crowdsourcing page

to raise the funds to purchase my own speed radar trailer.

Would you please share my page widely and those who can,

please donate so i can purchase the speed trailer pictured above,

and not be without it anymore as long as i have to still live here on this noisy street?

My GoFundMe is: https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4

The Speed Radar Trailer & Why I Have Been In Mourning

All of my life, to cope with the harsh outside world that is not Autistic friendly to me, i have developed a very intricate and creative underworld of imaginary friends, made from certain roads, highways, and electronics, and when ever i get attached to these things, then they get taken away from me, or i can no longer go on that certain road or highway, it is just like someone taking away a real best friend who i grew to love and depend on.

I know this is a unique way to cope, but it does not make me a bad person. It does not make me less than. And does not mean i still do not have faith in God. These electronic things and roads and highways are the friends who get me and accept me, no ifs ands or buts.

This week, finding the speed radar trailer gone once again, was a shock that plunged me into an actual physical whole body shock. I had to find out if this was only temporary. When i did, i slowly began to feel like myself again. In the meantime, i have been sick since the speed trailer got taken away….that first night, i began with the shakes, vomiting twice, then vomiting the next two days. Now i have intestinal upset, and still can’t really eat yet.

Because i got so used to getting to go outside to “visit” the speed radar trailer everyday. It got me out of my house. It got me to be able to use my bad legs, so they got stronger. It gave me a nice tan on my arms and face. I made friends with some of the people in a business East of me, and met other nice people who would walk by and chat with me.

Watching how this sign would go up and down, and then flash a bright red SLOW DOWN sign if people went too fast, and red and blue light bars if they went even faster, fascinated me, as well as being able to actually ascertain for myself how fast and slow people were driving. Most drivers would slow down quite a bit for the speed radar trailer. Quite a bit!!

Thankfully, the new beat coordinator for the Santa Maria Police Department is VERY sweet, and he left me a nice message Thursday, saying that the traffic people are working to get this machine back on my street sometime next week.

It gives me a renewed hope that maybe during this time i will either get the funds through my Go Fund Me for my own speed trailer, or i will win the big Powerball jackpot, and be able to still get a speed trailer for myself.

Below is a picture of the speed trailer taken on the last night it was here. I miss “her” so very very much, and can hardly wait till “she” comes back to me.

The Police Have Taken This Speed Trailer Now

Above is a picture of the RU2 Systems radar speed trailer that has been parked on my street since May 25th, and turned on working to keep me and my street calm, since June 2nd.

Now it too is gone. I woke up today at noon to find it missing from its spot where they had it parked east of my house. I am heartbroken, as if i just lost my best friend again. I cannot eat or drink anything, and my street is starting to be wild again. I wish i could just hop a bus and leave here forever now. I am crushed.

I so wish the police would understand. What it is like to be an Autistic physically Disabled adult who is trapped in her house, who has very little family support, and no local friends….how this speed trailer became a real source of comfort to me, and how it got me out of my house to sit and watch it every afternoon and evening. I even became friendly with some of the people who work in one of the businesses east of me.

Now that it too is gone, i badly need a way to be able to purchase my own speed radar trailer like the one pictured above, so i made a Go Fund Me page, which is linked below. Because…i cannot go back to the several meltdowns a day that i was having that was leaving me physically sick and weak at the end of each of those awful hard days.

As stated above, i am an Autistic adult who unfortunately has to live where i live until i can get the means to move, i am also housebound because i cannot walk that far, and i don’t drive due to my legs…but without the speed trailer here, this street is like a supersonic loud highway with frequent hot rodding, racing, and loud fast noise, that literally drives me into sensory overload every day. Even though the posted speed limit is 25 MPH. As i write this,people are once again flying through here at double that speed, and i am already screaming and hitting myself to stop the pain this noise causes me.

Like the speed trailer i had before, this one also brought me great comfort, and i made the same friend that i had in the other speed trailer, out of this one too. I actually happen to love this one alot more than i did the other one i had, because of the way it actually shows in real time how fast and slow people go..i love the nice red SLOW DOWN sign it has on it…..and, like the first one they put here, this one has also made me feel safe and secure for the first time in my own home.

Please help me. I can’t be without this speed trailer again. Thank you.

My Go Fund Me is: https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4

What Is Autism?, in Plain Language

Still Scared, Very Scared

I honestly do not know how much more of this i can take.

I am okay as long as the speed radar trailer is here on my street. But my police dept. has failed in letting me know who my new beat coordinator is. I finally Googled it, and found out that way who he is. My last beat coordinator was supposed to let me know AND he was supposed to introduce him to me. He never did either.

They don’t let me know whether i can have a working speed trailer here on a regular basis for the sake of my health, because without it, the street is so wild i have meltdowns which leave me physically ill—i need to know.

The speed trailer is still here, and i am very grateful it is here….but all i get from the police is silence and he not knowing when or if it will get taken away from me again. The stress of not knowing is getting to me.

I am not posting this to badmouth anyone, but yes, i am upset that police depts. do not do a much better job than this so that REAL bridges are built between them and us….ALL of us, and that includes Disabled people, shut-ins, Black and Brown people, rich, poor, homeless, elderly, etc.

REAL community policing means actual OPEN LINES OF COMMUNICATION between police and us, not this never ending silence, and no answers to my phone calls and emails——and me left hanging as to what’s going to happen next.

I DREAD the day they take this speed trailer away from my street. I SO dread that day. I would hope they would place another working one here, and also place that one on my side of the street where i can see it working.

I also need to get out of this house more often than i do. I used to love going out to eat, going to the movies, going to church, and going to the ocean. I do not get to do any of that anymore, except eat out maybe once a month if i’m lucky, and this gets to me greatly too….because i get so lonely to be able to be around people and involved in my community.

Below is another picture of the RU2 Fast 870 speed radar trailer that is still on my street, but for how much longer, i don’t know.

Scared, Part 3

I am a deeply lonely Autistic and physically disabled adult who has no family support at all from her three brothers, one sister, and their families either, and no real in real life local friends either. I do have love and support from my mother who lives in Idaho, and my eldest sister who lives in Arizona…..but they too are no longer living here…..so yes, i get VERY lonely, so lonely i want to roll up into a ball, but cannot due to physical disabilities……

I have deep trust and abandonment issues that no one can realize how deep they go….so all of my life i have latched onto certain roads, highways and electronics, usually stereos, and any electronics that are eye catching and i like how they work……and i have made some of the most awesome imaginary friends ever out of these!!! I could write a book just about those awesome friends i have made!!!

Having the speed monitor here on my street where i can see it working for one whole month has been a real therapy to me, and now this morning i am deeply depressed and crushed because the once sturdy folding chair i used to go sit outside, broke underneath me last night…..now all i have left is an old but still sturdy wooden chair…..and a regular sized bath chair that i don’t use…..(i use a full-sized bath transfer bench for my showers now)…..to tide me over till i get the new chairs that i did order from Amazon, because thank God for credit cards…..but those chairs won’t be here till Tuesday, and i am scared the police are going to take this speed monitor away from me this next Tuesday……

and do not want to waste any time not being able to spend as much time as i am able to spend with this speed monitor, before it **is** taken from me.I cannot mentally or emotionally afford to **not** sit outside to watch and pretend “talk” and “converse” with my friend who i have made out of this speed monitor…..i have to either use the wooden chair, or the bath chair…or hopefully if Connie can find something, use that, to tide me over till my chairs from Amazon come.

I do get paid today, so i may have Connie get me a chair from somewhere.

I also hope for a way to be able to buy my own speed radar trailer, that is just like the one that is outside.

I just wish and hope i could have in real life friends who would not give up on me, who would get me, and who would take me places and do things with me. I hope and wish i can get a way to move from this awful neighborhood once and for all.

This post is public and shareable. Pictured below is an RU2 Systems Fast 870 speed radar trailer.