Monthly Archives: June 2014

I Need My Family, I Need Local Friends, I Need Services, I Need My Country To CARE…Because I’m A Human Being!!

Dear Family, Dear City, Dear United States Of America,

My name is Melissa Fields. I am a middle aged Autistic adult. Guess what? There are hundreds of thousands of us who are Autistic adults who are screaming out to have you all finally hear our voices, listen, and recognize us. Yes, we are talking……we are talking in multitudes……we are talking and telling our stories all over the internet!!

Stop listening to Autism Speaks,

and instead hear my story and the stories my friends are telling, because that is where you are going to get to know about Autism.

To my family, do you all realize that when Mom passes away, i will then be fending for myself even more than i have to now? Because all of the rest of you, with the exception of two of my sisters, all shun and ignore me and cut me out of the whole Fields Family Equation like i don’t exist. I do not feel i can pick up the phone and call any of you, and some of you even have me blocked on Facebook even. Yes, my eldest brother does pray for me, and he even has whole Catholic Masses said for me, but he never ever calls me. Never. And guess what? I am not doing so well anymore. My physical health has gone so far downhill that i now need daily care, in order to be able to remain in my own home like i desire to continue to do. I have tons of unfulfilled dreams that i have clear from childhood that i have yet to fulfill….dear family, remember how i used to spend hours every afternoon drawing pictures, elaborate pictures of faces, houses, trees, flowers, bushes, and roads? I even memorized what some of the TV movie intros used to look like, from the 4:30 Movie, to the ABC Friday Night Movie, and i would draw them too. I even drew the US 101 sign. Yes, i used to draw and doodle…..alot. I used to love to sit and sneak the radio and listen to Top 40 radio, which you all forbid me to do, because it wasn’t your country western music. I had a love for art, a love for rock music, and i wanted to do so much with my unique creative mind, but you all would ridicule and squelch me…..even so, my will to succeed in life, some how, some way, has kept me going all along. I continued to draw, doodle and write, and i continued to dream of being a nationwide FM rock radio deejay one day who would go from coast to coast, radio market to radio market. I was determined that i would be the next Jim Ladd, or even Mark Goodman, like on MTV!! I have always dreamed of my adult life being in Hollywood and Manhattan both. Yup, bi-coastal!!

My story is many an Autistic adult’s stories who lack family support and local community support….today, i am in agony on all levels, especially because of what i’ve been through for the past 22 years of my adult life that i have had to live on Mean Bully Monster Street. Before i had to move here from a neighborhood where i was doing well, for economic reasons, and my dad’s failing health, i was doing well. I had finally learned how to live on my own, cook for myself, do my own housework, and i even learned how to drive and got my drivers license and my late Grandma’s car in May of 1990. Back then, i was trying. I remember, family, how you all chipped into buy me a new electric typewriter the Christmas of 1990. And i did appreciate that. But i tried to use it, and i just could not master it. I failed typing in high school because of the manual dexterity it took to use a manual and electric typewriter, and i could never learn how to do the margins and set tabs corectly, or do the speed typing tests. I knew that i would learn much better on a computer though, as the computer has always done those things for us, a computer keyboard is more easy to use, and i can type quite well and quite fast with just my two index fingers on the computer!!

What can i say? In these past two years, alone, i have had to endure the loss of one friend who i really had thought was in my corner, and then several very abusive caregivers….all at the same time. I now finally have a caregiver who gets me, who is nice, who cares, and who does not take my money, like the others did. And she does not neglect me either. But physically speaking, my legs and feet now are so swollen with chronic lymphedema, plus a leg tumor on my left inner thigh that is now the size of two basketballs. I have stopped driving. I sold my car. I have even stopped drawing. I still write though. Because i am determined to tell my story.

In March 2012 when my then friend of six years, R, not his real name turned against me and began to “pen” me a series of mean, sarcastic, hateful emails, i shut down. His abuse flipped a new switch inside of me that switched me right back to not having the ability to drive a car again, and it made me literally afraid to go places, anywhere anymore, by myself. Then when i went through the caregiver abuse, thast just further eroded my well being and ability to do many things on my own anymore. Today, i am a wreck….with deep-seated PTSD issues, and deep-seated abandonment issues,….due to my childhood, my teen years, and these past 22 years of living here at Mean Bully Monster Street. I now have lots and lots of nightmares about R, about some of my abusive caregivers, and other past neighbors.

I do not tell this story to get pity, or to wallow in self pity. I tell this story for several reasons:

I need to tell this story because **I** need more help. I need for my family to understand me, to stop ignoring me and start being here for me.

I need to tell this story for the sake of my Autistic community friends, because all of our stories NEED to get out there, so all the world’s governments will get it that we are living, breathing, walking human beings who do happen to need real time help…..not the kind of help Autism Speaks talks about but REAL help and services that are goig to help us with the real time issues we face.

We do not need or want to be fixed or cured. There IS no cure for Autism….neither do we wish to be seen as burdens, wrong, bad, inept, (and excuse the term: retarded), and i apologize for saying that word, but people do call us that word, or less than. We are not a curse. We are not a tsunami. We are not an epidemic. We are not to be eradicated or euthanized or murdered. We need to be recognized, and to have real time services and supports that will help us to be able to live the meaningful lives that we were meant to live. Forced ABA therapy ain’t gonna do it. Neither is punishing, yelling, or screaming our Autism away. Or praying our Autism away.

What’s gonna do it is:

Love and lots and lots and lots of it.

Acceptance….true genuine acceptance.

Patience and lots and lots and lots of it.

Understanding that meltdowns are not temper tantrums, that they are a result of not being heard and respected, the result of abrupt changes, and the result of things that are triggers, and sensory overload.

The willingness to listen and learn the way we each are, what our rituals and routines are, what ou favorite foods, music, TV shows and movies are, the ways we like things done, etc., and to try your best to not change these familiar things for us. To learn what our triggers are and to work hard to keep us safe from them.

Inclusion. Being fully included in our communities. Schools. Colleges. Churches. Synagogues. Restaurants. Movie theaters. Sports events. Concerts. Etc.

Talk TO us, not over us.

Listen without interrupting.

Don’t dismiss and silence us.

Stop making cuts to our programs and our safety net.

Restore the cuts that have been already made.

Let us have full opportunity and access to quality healthcare, vision care, dental care, mental health care, and Autistic services.

And know that it is nothing about us, without us.


My Relationship With R, Not His Real Name…..

The following is a series of six blogs which i wrote in March and April of 2012, about the way a six year relationship ended, because i saw pictures of him this morning and this afternoon. Seeing these pictures was very triggering to me, and i am having bad flashbacks now……..these blogs illustrate how easy it is for others to still think they can get away with the exploitation, use, and abuse of the disabled community. It is cruelty, pure and simple. 

When Caregiver Abuse Occurs~~The Story Of My Relationship With R, My Next Door Neighbor~Updated

This blog which was originally written on August 22, 2011, is about my entire six year friendship with R that ended in March of 2012…..

My Six~Year Up~And~Down Rollercoaster Ride

Disclaimer: I am not writing this to slam my neighbor, but for help in trying to understand relationships better..and understand some of the things i have had to go through with this man that i have felt are abuse. R is  a man who rented the little cottage next door to me for the past six years. He was a very kind, nice man…when he was in a good mood, that is. But he would, on a regular basis, also get in other moods where he would become mean, and where he has even taken advantage of me both materialistically and financially….below is my story, updated, and i hope you will all please comment, because i want to learn and grow from this….

R is a man who came to live next door to me in February of 2006. We both have rented these two cottages from my mother who lives up in Idaho. She and a bunch of my family moved there from here, in the ’90’s, when i had the support of a Christian Singles group and had the hope of maybe getting out of this pit. I still live in my cottage. But he had to finally move out on the first week of April 2012 because of our ongoing fights.

At the time, R rented the cottage next door, another man was supposed to rent that cottage, and i spent one Saturday night in February of 2006, here at home, waiting for him to show up, so i could let him in the house to move his stuff in. But it was getting late, and the man was not showing up, so i called his work to see what was going on, when R answered the phone, and i told R to please try to get ahold of the other guy. As the evening progressed, and the renter never called me, or even showed, i would continue to make calls to his work and talk to R. I finally asked R if he would be interested in renting the cottage next door to me, in the event that this other guy wasn’t going to rent the place. He said “Yes, i need a place to live, because my landlord is selling the place i am in now.” Shortly after hanging up with R, the other man’s brother called me, a man who is a good friend of our family’s, by the way, who also is good friends with R. He went on to tell me that his brother had backed out, so i asked if it’d be okay then to let R rent next door? He said yes, so i called my mom to tell her, and called R back to let him know…and a week later, R was all moved in. A rental agreement was written up, and it was stipulated that R could live here as long as he made every effort to look out for me, that he would help me, be nice to me, and be my friend. He was told that he would hear me have alot of loud meltdowns due to the street noise, that my music would be up loud as a means to cover the noise—-and he said he would always be okay with all of this, that he would never ever call the cops or get funny or mean with me. He made an ironclad promise to me, to my mom, and to our family friend, that he would abide by all these things.

We got along great at first!! We would talk often, and visit in each others’ homes. He stated that he knew alot already about Autism Spectrum Disorder, because he was/is close friends with a lady who had two sons and two daughters, and her youngest one was also on the spectrum. He immediately noticed the noise and all the shenanigans from the business across the street, and one other business too, and how they were indeed, doing things to antagonize me. He would always report it to H, our family friend, and H would in turn, report all these incidents to the police. I felt safe with R next door….and i always felt safe with him,…that is, when he was in his good moods…..

Even so, right off the bat, he seemed to expect me to always buy him candy and even sometimes his favorite flavored bottled water. Being that i was so grateful to have this new friend and ally next door, i willingly would buy him a couple of six packs of Propel flavored water, and all kinds of candy, once a week. I would buy him huge bags of the chocolate miniatures (which consisted of Milky Way, Milky Way Dark, Twix, Three Muskateers), Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, Kit Kat bars, etc., plus, jumbo boxes and bags of Hot Tamales, Mike ‘N Ikes, Good ‘N Plentys, and Laffy Taffys candies. This would cost me about $50 to $60 a month. He loved the candy, and always seemed his nicest when i would bring him those bags of sweet goodies. Sometimes i would even bring him goodies from the Christian bookstore that i liked to shop at. From there, i would gift him with novels to read, cute bumper stickers, cute refrigerator magnets, calendars each year, and even music CD’s of his favorite Christian music. At Best Buy, i bought him some secular music CD’s i knew he liked too, including the first CD by a band he began to love, called Gnarls Barkley.. I was always buying him gifts, and giving him all of my unwanted CD’s, DVD’s, books, candies, snacks, etc. I did this right up until he and i stopped being friends for good last month.

I didn’t know about his other side until one evening, a month later, when i came over that evening when he had come home on his dinner break from work, to inform him of yet another incident from the auto shop across the street. He said in an exasperated tone of voice, “Oh, i just don’t notice those kinda things..and i’m not going to notice those kinda things. I’m not going to get myself involved with that street like you do…it’ll make me crazy, and i’m not gonna do that to myself….” in other words, he was telling me he wasn’t going to help me anymore, and when i asked him if that was what he meant, he blew up at me, told me to deal with it myself, so i had to call H at his home, and H had to have a talk with him. I tried never to bother R too much, only when the street was being really bad. Of course, after H talked to R, R was fine again. Until May of that same year, when i gave him the money to buy a ceiling fan like the one he had, and he came over one night to install the fan for me….and i noticed that he wasn’t tightening things right. He was also acting so goofy, that it made me uncomfortable, especially when i was helping him to hold up the fan, and he reached over to tickle me near my boobs. I did not like that, and i told him so. Then he made a horrible racist remark about African Americans, calling them the awful N word. Then, when the fan was installed…and we turned it on, the whole thing was crooked, and it wobbled. He waved my concerns and worries off, saying that that was just because of the way the ceiling was, that it was okay. Instinct told me this was not right, and the next day i called him over to please look at it again. He dismissed me once again, calling me paranoid, and said to keep on using the fan, that it was fine. He stalked off, annoyed at me for even doubting his ability to do things right, and he told me so….

So, i went next door to the business that was to the immediate east of me, to get one of the kind brothers who owned the business, to look at the fan. He was shocked that R would blow my concerns off, telling me the fan was definitely installed wrong…and he told me definitely, that i was not to use it, because it was dangerous, and that he would be right back to fix it. He left and came right back with a tall step ladder, and proceeded to fix the fan. When i confronted R, he really blew up at me, screaming at me: “Missy, what the hell’s the matter with you?! Why don’t you trust me?!  It’s as if you think i’m inept or something!! This is unacceptable!! To go behind my back and get someone else to fix your fan when i said i would do it! I am VERY UPSET about this!!”  

 I replied,”R, i tried to tell you and show you how the fan is wobbling, and you blew me off!!”

R:, still yelling: “No, you went behind my back and got soemone else to fix it…this is underhanded of you and i’m never gonna help you with anything ever again!!”

I said “You know what? I am telling H about this!! This is not right!! I can’t talk to you when you are like this!!”

R; “No, you are NOT going to H, because i won’t have you going to anyone and bad-mouthing me!!! That is going to stop right now! I wil put a stop to this myself!!”

Me: “I am not doing that, R!!!! I am trying to resolve this in a reasonable manner, and you won’t let me even talk to you rationally!! The reason i got F to come, was because because you would not listen to me, and you called me paranoid!! You blew my concerns OFF!!!! H is my friend, and i only want him to mediate because I can’t talk to you!! YOU are being irrational about this, not me!!!”

With that, i stalked off, crying and shaking, and i called H. Once again, after H talked to R….G was nice again.

But there were alot of other smaller fights for about the first eighteen months he was here….like when we would be talking, i have a bad habit of yawning….i sometimes do that because i need more oxygen, because i am very excitable, and i often don’t sleep well, especially when i am stressed-out…and so i yawn alot when i am relaxed, talking to people. But R would often yell at me for that, too, and accuse me of yawning because his stories were too boring!!! 

I have always enjoyed his stories and our visits!!!!! Again, when he is in his nice moods.

Another thing he would do is also yell at me for taking my hair in front of my face while we would be talking and looking at the shines in it. He would often accuse me of not listening to him; he would yell at me to “Focus!!”, and of not respecting him. When i was still hearing him…i do that as a stim, and it is one of my most favorite ways to stim!!!!!

Then he would sometimes get in moods where he would lecture me on how to react to things…like:

Don’t let others steal your joy

Ignore them and they will ignore you….etc…..

Well, with autism, my mind does not work that way…i do not have that kind of shield on my brain to be able to do those things…so i have to, instead, try my best to always avoid and insulate myself from all of the things that are triggers and sensory issues to me. He had to learn that he could not fix or cure my autism, nor what he always would call my Missy-isms….he had to learn that he had to just be here as a friend and ally to me…and, mostly, he was here for me….

In May of 2007, i finally wrote him a long letter of my issues, and about the do’s and don’t’s of how to treat and deal with me and after that, he stopped interrupting my afternoon soaps, to come visit, stopped calling me and waking me up when i was asleep, and he also stopped getting angry at me for stimming and looking at my hair and for yawning.

R lived next door to me for the past six years, from February 2006 to April 2012…..and we kept on having these fights..and boy, i’ll tell you, those really took alot out of me….and only added to my stress due to my problems with the street….

Some of our fights were little, and they would pass quickly…but others were huge trainwrecks!!!!! 

Huge trainwrecks that would leave both me and my poor, 82-year-old mother rattled to the core–even sick to our stomaches!!!!!

When he was nice, life was good, and i felt safe and secure, knowing he was here to protect me from the bully monsters. We would have lots of nice visits and dinners together, and would also sometimes enjoy a DVD movie and popcorn. When he was nice, he would do an awesome job cleaning my house, and i was able to tell him thngs i wanted done, how i wanted them done, and he would do them, no problem. When he was in the good moods, we would visit and act goofy and he would even joke around with alot me during these times. He was supposed to pay my mom $600 a month rent, but when he cleaned my house, which he used to do once a month, he was allowed to deduct $50 for this once a month houescleaning job, which would normally take him about two hours to do, as this is a small cottage. He also used to collect my mail, as my mailbox used to be down the street, in front of his house and the studio next to it, and i was always too afraid to walk to the mailbox myself to get my mail myself, because of the bully monsters. I do get 99% of my mail at the post office, but a small percentage of mail still comes in my box, mostly the weekly ads and a few credit card offers and offers from Comcast, DirecTV, etc., that they want to send to me directly. (I now have my mailbox at my front door now). He also used to take my trash recepticle out on trash pickup day, and bring it back in to my backyard, because i can’t do that myself either. I used to give him $10 a month to take care of my trash can and mail. In addition, i would also give him $15 each time he washed my car and watered my lawn, because i’m also not able to do those things by myself. I usually had him do that twice a month. In addition, when i got my computer the day after Christmas 2007, he put the table together, and hooked up my computer, for $25 dollars. And for $6 dollars, he came to change out all of my incandescent lightbulbs to compact flourescent bulbs.

But the bad things began adding up…and began adding up so much that i could not continue to just sweep them under the rug anymore. His bad moods began to really make me afraid to ask too much of him…and when i did need him to do something for me, he always seemed to want payment in return, whether it be a cash payment, or CD’s and DVD’s that i didn’t want anymore, or candy and snack food. I have given this man alot out oif just the sheer goodness of my heart.

In the summer of 2007, i took out two loans to purchase a car stereo system, with speakers, and a 12″ sub, so i could have XM radio and a CD player in my car. When i got that money, suddenly he wanted more money for his chores: $30 dollars for the car washes and lawn watering, and $30 dollars for the handling of my mail and trash…plus $100 more per month, for the monthly housecleanings. And he also wanted even more candy, books, DVD’s and CD’s.

When he hooked my computer up, i had to give him $25 dollars to help me to pick out the computer at Best Buy, and then another $25 dollars to assemble my computer desk and computer…well, he did all of that…but then he was going to leave without hooking up the speakers and subwoofer, saying that i just needed the computer to be hooked up in order for Comcast to come install my internet the next day, and he said he was not going to hook them up till later. As a result, i would of probably of had to spend several days with no sound on my computer….so i had to bribe him with yet another $25 dollars to hook up the speakers and sub. When i did that, he was suddenly more than willing to hook my speakers up…..!!!!

After that, i needed alot of tech support to learn how to use my computer, but he would not come to help me, unless i would agree to give him at least $25 dollars each time for his tech lessons.

Next came the weekly pizza dinners, which cost me $60 dollars each week, to feed both him, me, and the two boys who were the sons of his lady friend. When we didn’t have pizza, i would pay him $20, $30, or $40 dollars to fix me a homecooked meal once a week, as he said he would be more than willing to do that for me, for these amounts of money. He would purchase the ingrediants with my money, and then we would have delicious food, indeed, as he is an excellent cook!!!! But i would never see any receipts nor did he ever give me any of the change i may of had due for these transactions.

Then, in late February of 2008, he had me over for a Sloppy Joe dinner one night, again, a dinner that i had paid for him to make for me, and i came to his house, to find him in one of his surly moods, with loud ’70’s AM gold music blaring, which he knows is a trigger for me, as it makes me relive my past….and..all during the dinner, he wouldn’t let me talk or be myself at all. Finally, i could stand the music no more, and asked if he would please change the channel to something he and i could both listen to, as he also loves all of my kind of music too….well, his response was to get up and turn the whole stereo off, saying “Well, if you don’t like the music, we just won’t listen to anything at all, how’s that??!!” I said “FINE!! I AM LEAVING!!!!!” He goes: “Well…don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!!!” I had a major meltdown that night…..i was on the phone to my mom, and to H, hysterical and in tears, and then when i emailed R to explain things, to try to work our latest spat out…he emailed me back the next day telling me….”Well, sorry, but i am not going to dance to your beat…!!!” A few days later, after H was able to talk to him, he changed his tune back to nice, and promised me this would NEVER happen again!!!!

Two weeks later, in early March 2008, it happened again. He invited me to have smoked sausage sandwiches with him after work one night, but i said i would have to pay him for him to fix them. So, we had a nice enjoyable time, eatting and enjoying a nice visit. But then, right after we ate, we went into the other room to go on his computer, as there was something he wanted to show me, and suddenly he turned his back to me, slunched over the computer, and wouldn’t talk anymore. I said “Well, maybe i should leave now. Thank you for the sandwiches, they were delicious.” He turned around and, putting out his hand, wiggling it in front of me, yelled; “Hey!!!! Where’s my moneyyyyyy?!?!?” I was like…..suddenly disgusted with him. How dare he keep doing this to me, when i have given him all those $60 dollar pizza dinners with all the fixin’s, and so many CD’s and DVD’s and everything else already????? I aksed him if this could just be a treat this time, that i was having a bad month, and he said “NOOOOO!!!! I want my money!!!!!! I paid good money for these sausages, now i want to be paid!!!!” I handed him $12 dolars…and he goes “No, i want more!!!!” I lost it, and told him to fuck off….and i stormed out on him….

I got violently sick that night…and my legs began to throb and then break out in the sores…..after that fight, i stopped walking, stopped losing weight…oh, i would still walk sometimes, and go back to my walking, but it got harder and harder for me to do, because i was really beat down again…..and i have not been able to regain my health ever since those February and March 2008 fights….and then even more fights, and more street traumas…on top of all of that..on and on it continued…..

And we have continued on this way….we have continued to fight….then we make up…things are always okay for a time, and then we have another one of our trainwreck fights….and on and on this just kept going….

When we had our fights, it was just like my whole world collapsing…and then, when we talked and made up….i could still never fully tell him how badly he has always hurt me for fear of him blowing up at me again…

As a result….if he did a sloppy job cleaning my house, and i tried to tell him, and he sweared up and down he cleaned the area i said he din’t clean, then i had to just shut up and drop it, or he would blow up at me……

When he came over to clean, he would often raid my refrigerator for bottled water without first asking me, and proceed to open the bottle and drink from it before i can say anything..i had to just let him do this, or he would blow up at me…one night, when he was cleaing in my kitchen, and i was here at my computer, he went to my pantry, which is open, and proceeded to get into the last of my potato chips that i had saved for my lunch the next day!! He came into the living room, with his hands already in the bag, munching away on the chips….without bothering to ask me first if he could have some!! When he cleaned my house, he would routinely ask for candy, chips, whatever…even Q-tips, baby lotion, and pain reliever….and i had to tell him yes, or he would get mad at me and throw his fits!! When he washed my car and watered my lawn, he would also use my water, gobs and gobs of my paper towels and Windex to clean his car as well…and then used my water to water his lawn! He did tell me that he felt entitled to use my paper towels and water, because he used a special nozzle and soap for my car, and felt that he should have the use of my towels and water in return for the privilege of me being able to have the special soap and waxing.

And, on the months that he wasn’t able to clean my house….he would still deduct the $50 dollars off the rent….

If i had done these things to him…he would of probably killed me!!!! In fact, whenever the tables were turned…i would have to give him his exact change….and he would often be stingey with what he would give to me. If i needed tissues if my nose ws running when over at his house, he would hand me one half of a tissue. One night, when i had paid for him to cook me a nice ham dinner, i noticed that he doled out to me small portions while he doled out huge portions for himself. In 2010, when he went up to the annual Spirit West Coast Christian Rock Festival, and i wasn’t able to go…he had promised me that he would bring me concert t-shirts, and take lots of pictures for me. That never happened. He came back and only would show me a few of the pictures…and there were no t-shirts. I would not of done that to him!! Then, when i needed something to sit on in my backyard last year when i began to go back in my backyard in the long summer evenings to enjoy the fresh air and had nothing to sit on, and he knew it, he never offered to let me borrow his chairs to sit on….i had to buy one off of him….and i paid him $18 dollars for it.

In May of 2008, he put on a lavish birthday party for me, where he had those two boys over and their mother. We had a huge feast of homemade spaghetti with homemade meat sauce, salad, garlic bread, and a nice Snickers chocolate cake for dessert. It was supposed to be all his treat. But when he discovered he had no containers to put the spaghetti dish in, he had to go and purchase one…and he asked me to reimburse him for the full cost of the Rubbermaid container. I thought that too, was really tacky of him to make me do that on my birthday. He should of let me have that container…but he didn’t. It went with him when he moved last week.

He would often also borrow thing from me and never return them or replace them.

Then i had to start paying him to stay home to watch over me on several Thursday nights in a row in the months of February and early March of 2012…to the tune of $10 the first Thursday night, and then $12, the next Thursday night, then $14 and then $15 the other Thursday nights he stayed home for my protection from the auto shop. Then, last month…we had our worst trrainwreck fight ever, in which this time, he totally turned against me, writing me those awful hate-filled emails. He suddenly stopped being nice…to both me and my mom. And then he moved out, leaving the house next door unrentable. My mother, who is on a fixed income, now has to try to find a way to afford to get the nice hardwood floors that he scratched and walls that he gouged, sanded and repainted, the tub in the bathroom resurfaced, the backyard cleaned, and the front window that he so stupidly spray painted, cleaned or replaced….among other things….

 If all of this isn’t abuse…then something is dearly, dearly wrong…..

I hope i can find some friends to help me who will not treat me like this…my health is failing, and i am in desperate need….i don’t want to have to endure anymore of this hell….i am trying hard to forgive R, and trying hard to move on…but it is so hard for me to do so…..because this has all clearly traumatized me….to the point where i am now having alot of nightmares about him now…..

I never thought that he would ever turn out to be a monster too…..

Thank you all for reading this…God bless you, everyone!!!!


I Don’t Know…I Am So Scared….

This following post about the dark demise of my friendship that was not a true friendship, was originally written on April 4, 2012…….

Please don’t cal the police on me…..i am just venting again, because it’s the middle of the night..and i need to get these feelings out…..

Well, now it is 12:01 Wednesday morning, April the 4th, 2012. I have today and Thursday left of my R nervousness, and of me being cooped up here in my cottage like a prisoner, and then R will finally be out of here–and out of my life. Today, my caregiver is going to come and we will be going to my podiatrist to hopefully get the callous taken off of my left foot so that i can walk again and get off of this Vicodin, and then we will be going to do my payday stuff. I am hoping that R will not block us from going tomorrow, or i will be sunk.

R was a man who i really looked up to as if he was a real brother to me for the past six years that he lived here…and now he has turned against me…for no reason at all. I have been trying my best to deal with this, and it has been so hard for me, becaue frankly, i have been totally blown by what has happened between he and i last month, especially his nasty emails where he has come right out and attacked me and torn me down as a human being. As an autistic, all i have ever, ever, ever wanted in life is to be loved and wanted and accepted. To belong. Most ppl haven’t and don’t accept me though, and i have suffered mostly lonliness and isolation most of my life because of that. I know that i have always been a very difficult person because of my hang-ups, quirks, and the way i am unable to handle harsh stern unfriendly ppl. But that does not make me a bad person. I was born this way…i can’t be non-autistic…because i simply don’t know how to be. But i feel i am still a good person nonetheless.

  • R was mostly a person who really seemed to like me and be on my side for these past six years. Most of the time, that is. But every so often, along the way, he would turn on me and get in nasty mean moods with me….only this time, the mood has not gone away like it has all the other times before, and this time he has turned totally against me. Tonight, as with most nights, are my most hardest, ever since R turned on me. I often will have nightmares about him now. I often shake, and i do also cry. I call out to God as to why, why, why, why did this have to happen?

    I don’t know why this happened….i can only guess at the possibilities. Even so, this leaves me feeling as though i have been stripped naked. Bare and cold. Because when he was nice, i felt so very very secure here. Now? I do not know if i can trust that anyone in my life will not up and do the same thing to me…..and this scares me to death….to think that he could be right…..that i am just a toxic person who will eventually end up alienating everyone…and then i will be on this earth totally friendless…..for the rest of my life…..

  • I am so confused. I had so hoped that when i grew up, that i would of been able to go onto college, a nice career, and then marriage and two or three children, and a real life, with a nice house, nice tan, nice car, nice trim body, lots of nice clothes, lots of friends, and lots of nice vacations to New York, New England, even Europe.

  • I should of seen the signs all along when i was friends with R, that we weren’t really genuine friends. Like the time he went up to the three day Spirit West Coast Christian Rock Festvial in Monterey, and never got me the t-shirts i had asked for. or the pictures he said he was going to take of some of my favorite Christian Rock bands.
  • Or the time that i gave him two huge bags of CD’s i didn’t want anymore, because i now have iTunes and have them all ripped into my iTunes library..and he promised to sell the ones he didn’t want, and give me the money for my moving fund….and he never did that, instead, he went and gave all of the ones he wanted, away.
  • Or all the times when i begged him to have a movie night over at his house, and he would back out at the last minute….or all the times i would invite him to eat out with me, and he would decline, as if he was ashamed and embarrassed to be seen with me in public.
  • or all the times i would ask for him to watch out for me when i would come home from my dinners out, so i wouldn’t get taunted by the auto shop men, and he would say he would watch for me, yet when i would come home, his TV would be blaring sonically loud, and his lights all turned out…and he wouldn’t hear me if i were to cry for him….
  • Or all the times when i would need his help, and he would decline, until i offered to give him money to do what i wanted him to do for me. Then he would help me.
  • As well as all the other things i have mentioned in other notes and other postings.

I don’t know….all i know is that i am now totally without his love and support….i am clueless as to what caused this to happen..and i still do very much need to move from here…..and i need to move soon, even with R gone, because i still have all the mean men in the auto shop and warehouse across the street.

Sigh….thanx for letting me vent yet again. Because it’s the middle of the night again, when i get the most afraid.

To My Ex-Best Friend, R, I Am A Worthless Loser, Hiding Behind The Shadow Of My Autism!!!!

This post about the dark demise of my relationship and friendship with R was written on March 31, 2012…….

Everyone, i am posting this because…i have to let you know the gravity of my situation here. This kind of thing is part of my story..and now this has happened between me and R. In fact, this latest email that follows below, was just written to me by R, yesterday. I need your imput, please. I ned to know that i am okay..that i am not the loser he is painting me as…please. This really hurt me…as an adult on the autism spectrum, this man really made me feel like he cared, and then he turned against me like this. Do any of you on the autism spectrum go through this with people too? Right now, i do not feel i can trust again…this was a huge blow to me…i am shaken to my very foundation over this.


You just can not take ownership for anything! You always have to blame others, “Hiding behind the shadows of autism.” You go through life and blame others for your short comings. I can not tell you to go to hell because you are there. So, continue to suffer in the heat until you are willing to own your short comings. The world does not owe Melissa Ann Fields a living. Nobody owes you anything, nada, nothing at all.You reap what you sow, so live with it! YOU ARE THE ONE THAT IS MEAN AND NASTY. Think about it!!!! There is not a business on ******. that you have not HAD A PROBLEM with. Everyone of them you have fought with. Missy, sometimes you have to surrender to win.

I’m tired of you blaming me for your screw ups! Take an inventory of ALL the people who have come into your life and have fled to save their sanity from your insane behavior. You my have autism, but you suffer from something far deeper than a spectrum disorder. You have your so call facebook friends who will cosign your “BullShit” Oh poor Missy! Time to mature. You Grow or Go! 

Please do not put N*** in your class of misfits. He is taking medication and receiving counseling so he can live with his disorder. Untreated people like you, want to fight and melt down when you do not get your way. “Whaa Whaa Woe is me, oh poor me, pity pot pity pot poop on me! That gets so old, grow up and get a life you miserable humanbeing. What are you going to do when they are all gone? Who will support you then? who will you cling to then? Well, the time is coming…..very soon! Take heed to these words of truth!

I’d rather tell you the truth that hurts than lie to you just to comfort you! Life is not fair! If you want fair, then go to the Mid-State Fair.

So blame on buckaroo! Life to short to deal with you! 

So long,


Everyone….this is wrong!!!! I have not been able to get the help i have needed….i just want to go away now…far away…and never come back after this email….no, not away from any of you, or Facebook….but Santa Maria…..i need a way to get away from Santa Maria…..please tell me i am still okay, because i don’t feel so okay right now…..i feel like i have been actually assassinated by this mean, mean man!!!!! I cannot beleive he would ever turn on me this way!!!!

Because of him, i cannot any longer leave my house without my caregivers with me…i am terririfed as long as he is here..he was supposed to be gone yesterday, but my mom gave him an extension till April 5th….

All i can say…is at least he will be out of here within six days, hopefully earlier!!!!! 



I stopped driving and have not gotten back behind the wheel of a car since R turned against me……………


In The Still Of The Night~~Discouraged & Terrified~~Why, God, does this keep Happenning To Me?

This following post about my relationship with R, was originally written on March 14, 2012……

It is alittle after 2:00 in the morning here, and all is quiet. With R, my next door neighbor who vowed to me and my mom both that he would always be my friend and ally, now turned against me, for no reason at all, i feel even more like a caged up animal here. Though i will not ever harm myself, i do very much want to just roll up and die, when these things happen to me…again, and again, and again. I am devastated beyond belief that Angelica, the sweet new friend i met here on Facebook who lives here locally, never showed up to my house yesterday afternoon, and then, when i went to message her to find out if she was still coming, i made the shocking discovery that she had now shut the door on me by defriending and blocking me, after promising to be here for me, and to help me to find a way out of here. I don’t know why this keeps happening to me, why i kep getting the promise of help and support, and then it gets repeatedly tasken away from me again…. and it is utterly discouraging to me. With Angelica, i can only assume that because i personally witnessed her give R her phone number when she came to see me Monday night to check up on me, that R may of called her later on, out of spite, proceeded to tell her a pack of lies about me…not saying this happened, but it is my strong hunch that this is what did occur. I am still devastated..because i have gone through this kind of rejection over and over again. But for now…i feel a weird sense of peace…like God is, indeed, hearing my cries and my pain.

I did not ask for this kind of life….but for some odd reason, God allows some of us to come into this world Autistic. And God does not make mistakes. He made those of us who are Autistic, Autistic for a reason. Not so we would be cursed and shunned and abused and exploited and misunderstood and misjudged. Over and over again. Just because some in society still don’t want to understand. My something that has been with me my whole life, and the way people treat me because of my Autism, causes life to be an immense, and never-ending challenge, struggle, and battle. I love my Autistic-ness..but i am a complex soul who has gone her whole life without the supports and interventions i have needed which would have helped me greatly in life to be able to have a better chance at a somewhat normal existence……with my Autism. But since that never happened for me, and i grew up with so many people misunderstanding me, misjudging me, and walking away….i have become even more of a complex soul, even more fearful, and even more set in my ways, hang-ups and rituals. Compounding the problem, is that for the past 30 years i have been unable to get off of the government aid and make something of myself in life…and for the past 20 years, i have had the unfortunate luck of having to move to a neighborhood that has been mostly hostile and downright cruel towards me…because of the way i am. And that is wrong. No one should be made to feel like they are less-than and dirt for being disabled.

I am not a monster. I am not mean. I am not cruel to others. I have a heart, and i would give anyone the shirt off of my back. But when people see my outward appearance, my meltdowns, and my weight and looks…i am misjudged and thrown away..or worse yet, i get the type of friends who take advantage of me because..well, they think they can.

If R is the Christian he has always professed to be, then why in Heaven’s name has he turned on me like this again? And why is it that this time, it seems like he wants to walk away permanently? What did i do? I never know when he gets like this. Because when he and i have our bad spells….he has never ever come out and admitted his part in these spells…but he still always manages to smooth things over anyway….he seems to be very crafty at doing this, and then we go on, friends again, for two, to three to four more months, until he gets in the bad mood again. Only this time, he is also making threats to sue my mom….and he is making alot of judgements of me that are unfair and cruel. In addition, he is now blaring, every afternoon, the kind of music he knows upsets me and makes me relive my painful childhood. What does the Bible have to say about those who oppress those who are poor, weak, widowed and orphaned? Alot!! God does not like it when anyone mistreats a poor person…especially if that person is a professed Believer!!

I don’t know what else to say, just that i will survive this one too. But this is a part of my story. A story that needs to be told…because this is real. And this is hell.

And i need help….please….!!!!! Thank you…and God bless you all!!

I Can’t Believe He Had The Gall…My Email To R and His Reply

This blog was originally written on March 11, 2012……

The night that things all started to fall apart between R and i……

Why i am doing this….is that this man has fir the past six years….placed me thru an up and down rollercoaster ride of torment and i am in sheer hell because of him and i need you to all help me get away from this street, and away from him ASAP… Jesus name….

My email to him:


I just wanted to let you know i managed to go to Target and Albertsons earlier tonight to get all that i needed that i forgot the other day. If i need help of any kind from now on, i will just struggle to either get it done myself, or call on my caregivers, which my mom will have to pay for. Please remember, i cannot call on my brother J**, because he won’t speak to me, nor can i call on H either now, because now H works long hours down in Santa Barbara, and does not have the time to give….and i am not feeling well anymore. I had just wanted some Immodium AD so i would have enough on hand, and not run the risk of being without it. I never meant for tonight to cause another argument between us. No worries, i got four more bottles of it. Please don;’t respond to me tonight because i am feeling very hurt at how i was yelled at, and how even God’s name was said in vain at me too tonight. Not once. But twice. I value our friendship, R, you are like a brother to me, and it rally hurts me to the core when you treat me like i am just a piece of dirt. I miss the Fireside Chats we were having…those are even gone now too again…..i really feel as though you hate me sometimes, R. And it really hurts. I can’t do better than i am. Please know that!


And what he just had the gall to write to me just now…..

I’m glad you realize that I will not enable you to become so dependent on others when you can do things for yourself.  I just bought you a bottle of Imodium AD last month! If you are using that much medicine for your gastro-intestinal trac, then you need to go to the doctor ASAP!

Please, do not ask me to shop for you every week.  Walgreen’s has a drive-thru for your medicines. It is not my fault that you have and obsessive/compulsive disorder where you have to buy a 2 month supply of EVERYTHING! Think about that when you demand your independence and then you fall to depending on everyone. 

I hope you forward this reply to your family and if you won’t then I will.

May God have mercy on you,

Ps~ I guess I have been reduced to a letter?


Again…i am writing this because i am appealing to be set free from this hell..because i am so upset right now i am shaking so hard..and i cannot stand him next door to me anymore..this man is a tyrant..he is a monster!!!!!! Help me please!!!! He has used me and bullied me enough…please help me to get away from him and this street ASap…pleaase!!!!!!!

He wrote this at 11 PM thinking because my mom is in bed that this would really hurt us both….he knows i am in bad health and he knows that i cannot always get to the store…it is not ocd that makes me shop heavy…it is that i can’t always get to the store and so i like to stock up on stuff…..he knows all of this and is being cruel to me toniht..and i am so ungueld…….

End of blog. I left some of the typos in to illustrate how my typing skills are when i become upset…..

A Dark Night For Me~~The End Of A Bad Relationship

The following is a series of blogs i wrote in March and April of 2012, about the way a six year relationship ended, because i saw pictures of him this morning and this afternoon, and it has triggered me, and i am having bad flashbacks now……..

March 13, 2012

As most of you know by now, R, my next door neighbor, moved next door to me six years ago, with the understanding that he would be a friend and ally to me, and watch out for me and help me if i needed it. He was well-aware going in that i am autistic, that i have issues with neighbors in a few of the businesses here, and that i would have meltdowns. he said that would be no problem. In return, he would get a reduced rent, with approx. $350 a month taken off for being nice to me. Within these past six years, however, he has, every two to four months, gotten in very harsh mean moods with me……. 

Well, my latest trainwreck with him happened Sunday night, when, fearing i was going to run out of stomach medication, i asked if he would please, within the next two days, go to a drugstore to pick me up four more bottles so i would have enough on hand. His response was to suddenly lose it and go off on me. He used God’s name in vain on me twice, and emailed me telling me to never ask him to shop for me again.

As i am autistic, i don’t function well at all when people lose patience with me and turn nasty. Especially when they are fully cognizant of my plight and autism. I shut down. I can’t focus. I can’t even move. Or talk at times. I feel like i am in a sort of a black dense fog…and this is how i feel right now.

This time R is much more hostile, and is now retaliating by turning on the kind of music that he knows causes me to have meltdowns…and is threatening to turn me and my mother in for fraud against the government, when we have done nothing wrong or fraudulant. I do not know what has gone on in his world to cause this latest episode of his, but he frightens me badly when he gets like this, and each time he and i have these spells, people advise that my mom should evict him.

This time…it is going to happen. And during the eviction process, i must do all i can to lay low, and only go out when my caregivers, or friends, are here. I have blocked him from both my email accounts now, so he can no longer send me nasty grams. I am going to arrange for weekly caregiver visits during this time until he is gone from here, and i have also arranged to have others take out and bring in my trash, and wash my car.

What makes this even more hard for me to handle is that he built a bond of trust between he and i, said he was on my side, and that he would never do this to me….yet, it keeps happening again…and again. And what makes it even worse is that he professes to be a Holy-Spirit-filled Christian..and even quotes all kinds of verses about being kind to the poor in the Bible!!!

I am glad he is going to be gone. I don’t wish to hate him…but i am very angry and hurt at this time. He has betrayed my trust one time too many. a classic case of abuse….and the thing is that he will, invariably, do this to others. I have, in fact, witnessed him verbally abuse another autistic child that he knows and sometimes takes care of…..

Again…i don’t write this to slam him..i write this because it is what so many autistics are going through, and society has to be made aware…that this kind of thing occurs..and it needs to be stopped. Agencies like Adult Protective Services need to be called immediately, if any of you see this kind of thing going on, please…because you never know…it could escalate into worse abuse…and even death…or death by suicide.

I now know that R is a bully monster. He used, abused, and took full advantage of me, and my mother both. I think that when these spells occur with him, that he shows his true colors. And i have come to the painful reality…that R….was truly never my friend.

What It Is Like For Me….My Autism Is Not A Tragedy Or A Curse….Ignorance Is The Tragedy

Imagine what it would be like if you were to sit down at your keyboard to type out something that is critically important that you need to say now, and some of the keys don’t work….your very job and life even depends on this…..

Imagine if you were watching a really good movie or TV show, and really getting into it, mind, heart, and soul, to where you feel like you are actually in the quaint peaceful setting in that movie, and then all of a sudden the TV picture freezes up, and you miss the whole rest of it……

Or imagine if you were relaxing, reading a good book, same peaceful, quaint setting, where you feel like you are actually hanging out with the nice family that is being portrayed in the book, and some mean person comes along and yanks it right out of your hand, and throws it away, where you can’t find that book again…..

Or imagine how it feels to get ready to go somewhere that you’ve been really wanting to go, and then the car Just. Won’t. Start.

Imagine having a daddy who yells, bellering violently at you, and spanks you for sticking your tongue out at him, after he refuses to let you show him the nice piece of art you created for him that day at school while you are all eating dinner…..and he spanks you SO hard you have large painful welts all over your buttocks and thighs…..then he throws you in your room by one of your pigtails and locks you in that room…..

Imagine having three brothers, and their families, and a sister and her family who now all shun, block, and ignore you because of your Autism, and because you are tellig a story that has to be told that they don’t want to be out there……

Imagine being in a room where all kinds of wild colors are coming at you, all kinds of lights are flashing in your face, water is being sprayed into your face, people are poking and jabbing you in the back and sides and arms and face, pushing you too, and these same people are yelling and barking at you to move faster than you can move, but you can’t because your legs won’t work, and your brain can’t move that fast, and you are actually tied up to a chair…..

Imagine you live on a street that has tormented you for the past 22 years due to the mean bullies who have hated you all this time…..and used loud car horns, loud car, pickup, SUV and motorcycle motors, and their loud banshee yells to torment you with, and call you the same ugly names you were called as a child…..


That is how it was and still is for me. Because of the lifelong fears and the deep scars.

That is how my brain has always worked and how it still works.

And my brain comes with an amplifier—–an amplifier that amplifies every single thing that comes through my eyes, ears, nose, mouth, and skin.

Every single noise, color, smell, texture, taste, voice, melody, even the air temperature.

I try to talk to get it to all slow down to the pace that i am comfortable with, but no one seems to hear me, no one seems to understand.

This is how it is for me.

My Autism is real.

It is not imagined or fabricated.

I was born this way. I know i am Autistic by the way i felt scared of most everything as a child….bright lights, certain loud noises, bright light, flickering flourescent lights, the loud motors of furnaces in walls, loud booming radios, and by people being angry at me and hating me.

My family all teased me, and taunted me mercilessly, using all of these things i feared as weapons to get me to behave and conform. They even used physical force to get me to behave and conform to their ways.

Many of these things still scare and scar me as an adult.

I am not a bad behavior walking around.

As an adult, i even still have meltdowns. Because life scares me.

I always tried to make it in life, the best way i knew how,and it didn’t happen, because it was never good enough by NT standards.

My family hated my goofy, quirky personality and tried with all their might to squelch me.

I grew up, moved out at age 27, and i continued to try.

I even had my drivers license and drove a car for awhile, for 22 years i got to drive, and i loved that, and i continued to try….i tried, i tried, i tried…i went to agency after agency after agency, to try to get help so i could make it out of my rut and have a successful adult life.

But i was told, time and time and time again:

I am too high-functioning

I have to be age 62

I have to take certain meds that i can’t take because i’m allergic to most meds.

I have to have proof on paper of my diagnosis, that it happened before the age of 18.

I lack job skills, and an employment history

I am too quirky, too goofy, have too many hangups, etc…..and on and on and on……

But today, because of a series of unfortunate things that happened between then and now, i am now a total utter mess at times, because there are now so many things that i cannot handle once again.

I have stopped driving again. I even sold my car, because i no longer feel i can handle beig behind the wheel of a motor vehicle.

I used to be able to clean my own house, take showers, do my own shopping, and even cook basic things.

But then due to things that happened in the past 22 years, i lost those skills, and then my physical health came unhinged, and now that hampers me greatly.

On top of the obsessive compulsive fears i’ve developed that keep me from cooking and cleaning house.

If i lose my words and the wrong words come out, it is not because i am trying to be mean, or bitchy, or a diva, it is because i am becoming frustrated and about to enter a state of sensory overload.

Things that cause sensory overload and meltdowns…..

Not being heard and listened to.

Beig interrupted and talked over.

Being silenced.

When change happens abruptly.

When familiar rituals and routines are interrupted and not respected.

When people are not patient with me/us.

When people misunderstand and then jump to the wrong conclusions about me/us.

This is what life is like for me, and for many of us who are Autistic. And it doesn’t have to be this way.

I’ve said it before, and i will say it again.

It is not wrong to be Autistic. Autism is a neurological disability….and even though it isn’t always readily apparent at birth, nonetheless, we are still Autistic at birth, and we are going to be Autistic our whole lives. That’s not a bad thing. But some people like Autism Speaks, like to make it into a bad thing.

All we Autistics want is to be accepted and loved as we are. We don’t want or need to be treated like we are spoiled, lazy, and selfish. Or like we are a behavior issue. We don’t need to be cured, fixed, talked down to, and punished. We want to have open doors, opportunity, and to be able to live and work in a world that is going to be Autistic-friendly. And it will be when people stop listening to organizations like Autism Speaks, and start letting us speak and be who we are.



Emma's Hope Book

“Having a voice after years of being ignored saves me from treacherous loss.  Years of nothing, makes the smart ideas percolate.  It is a strong force within, waiting for encouragement.”  ~  Emma

There are people who would like to silence my daughter and those like her.   One person recently accused me of “exploiting” my daughter to “satisfy your own vanity and craving for attention” by publishing things Emma’s said she wants others to read.  This particular person went on to write (as though to Emma), “Autistic people are irrelevant in your mother’s world.  And parenting is more of a competitive sport to her than a domestic responsibility.  That is truly disgusting.”   And yet if I do not publish the things my daughter writes and says she wants others to read and understand, then I become the silencer.  I cannot presume her competent, but then selectively do so, by not publishing what…

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