A 5:19 AM POEM BECAUSE I CANNOT SLEEP ANYMORE THIS MORNING

I cannot go on this way.

Feeling like I am a

third class

wrong

sub-human

all the time.

Feeling like I still

constantly

have to

apologize,

for just being me.

Feeling like I am always just

fit in to other people’s

very tight schedules

No one wants

to be around me for too long

Because I am so wrong

I’m tooo much of

a bummer

and Debbie Downer

in their world

I’m a mistake

A fucking

M I S T A K E

God should have never created me

I am Never able to

see the ocean or Pismo waterfront

anymore

the beautiful sunsets, clouds and rainbows

or even the 101 freeway

Today I have no extra money

to turn around with

or

to even save up for a rainy day

I am deep in debt because

what I get from

my late father’s

Social Security Survivor’s benefits

is not enough at all

for me to thrive on or even live on

I have never been able to work

due to my

mental disabilities

the lymphedema I developed in 2005

my autism

the

large

lymphedema lump

on my left inner thigh

and now end stage kidney disease

most in my family

have even thrown me away

My life has been

One long string of

Disappointment,

rejection

and

trauma after trauma after trauma

due to being

always misunderstood as a Behavior

and also thousands upon thousands

of unmet, unachieved

dreams and goals

I have had for my whole life

of being able to see New York City

and the whole Northeastern US

As for people

People still

Harshly

take their moods out on me

talk snotty to me and

any old way they want

and expect me

to smile, take it, and go away quietly

some still even hate it

that I make my noises

and

that I still get hyper-excited over shiny hair

many people get to know me

and then I am taken advantage of

and when I present too many problems

they cruelly

yell at me

and then they

throw me away in the garbage

I feel as if I am never going to be okay

that I will never be good enough

in other people’s eyes

that I will always live a life of poverty

till the day I die

I’m just a burden

And a problem

and

I cause

too many problems

for others

My meltdowns are inconvenient

I am all wrong

Broken

Faulty

Just the fact that I

even breathe the air

is wrong

and a sin

I tell them I’m autistic

which I am

very much autistic

and that I

am hyper-sensitive

and

have very real sensory issues

with

changes

and even having people

just walk out of the room abruptly

without letting me know why

they are leaving my space

and it doesn’t matter

they still cruelly tell me

I am

using my autism as an excuse

or worse yet

that I am faking it

None of you

who expect normal from me

know

how much or

how deeply this hurts me!

Well…..

I am not able to do your normal

I do not have the filters to do

the normal

at all

that y’all want from me

I am unable to stop repeating myself

I am unable to stop dwelling

on all of this neurotypical

unpleasant shit that comes at me

24 fucking 7

I am tired

of all the unfulfilled dreams

still going unfulfilled

and I am

Fucking tired

of all y’all

wanting me to be any different

than the unique goofy silly

traumatized me

I know how to be.

If I cannot find people in my life

who will

not only accept me,

but embrace my all

both the good,

bad, and ugly

and goofy silly too

I have no more business being here

No, I will not ever harm myself

However, I am in a constant state of

feeling like packing my blue Davita bag

and running far away

precisely because

of the glaringly apparent

major disappointment I seem to be

to everyone around me.