Monthly Archives: April 2014

If My Hands Were Not Tied, I Would Have Moved From Here Years Ago–This Is My Story, Please LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!!

“4:00 PM cannot get here fast enough!! I already am tired, have no spoons to work with at all, and this street noise is killing it all for me!! ūüė• ”¬†¬†

“I am seriously not feeling well at all and need to move from here soon, i need my sleep, i need my peace and quiet in the worst way, because i am imploding right now!!!! >+

The above two posts are what i wrote earlier yesterday afternoon.

And no, headphones and earplugs will not solve my issues. Those will only make me feel even more trapped and in prison than i already am.

I am an Autistic adult who is imploding. I am lonely. Most people shun me, ignore me, and walk away from me, leaving me to fend for myself. Even most in my own family. I am losing my memory, i am losing my sense of direction, i am losing my physical health, i am losing my sense of hope, and all joy.

I am the Autistic adult that all Autistic children grow up to be, unless we get the RIGHT kind of services and support growing up, unless we have families who believe in us, accept us, love us, and are there for us, and who help to plan our futures when we grow up. Guess what? Many of us end up like me… a very frightening and precarious situation where we have to depend on the government to help us…..and when our parents pass away, in this case, my mom, when she passes away, many of us face having to go into group homes or institutions where many of us lose what little independence we once had. That is exactly where i am headed when my mom passes away, unless something is done to make dramatic changes happen to our whole safety net system.

Mainly, no more cuts to our safety net!!!!! So that we CAN stay living independently our whole lives. So that we have access to good quality health care, both mental, physical, dental, and vision care, decent housing that isn’t in ghettos, personal home care, and vocational training, too, so that we can get a job, car, and be able to have more independence.

I am writing this story and tagging you all in it, because those of you who keep ignoring my blogs, because you think they are just pity parties, need to STOP ignoring them and you need to care, because i am the reality of what happens to an Autistic child when their family, their neighbors, and their community, blow them off and ignore them.

The police, teachers, etc., need to LISTEN and HELP us when we say we are being bullied too!!!! A huge part of MY problem, is that i AM being bullied on an almost 24/7 basis….seriously. And i AM imploding because of this daily assault and duress i have been under for the past 23 years i have had to live here in this torture chamber neighborhood.

Everyday now i wake up dreading being awake, and longing for 2:00, 3:00, or 4:00, the different times my personal caregiver comes each afternoon, depending on what we have to do each day, because of the bullies who continue to bully and torment me in

a nearby auto shop,

a nearby auto parts shop,

a nearby sheet metal/heating shop,

another nearby auto repair shop,

and a nearby appliance shop.

The employees of these businesses, and their friends, torment me right in front of my house, back and forth, right under my nose, all day long,

with loud hot rodding,

loud banshee-style animal yelling,

loud horn honking where they “lay” on their horns,

screeching tires,

loud burnouts,

loud thundering stereophonic bass,

cussing at me,

calling me names,

loud taunts, etc.

Just recently, last Tuesday night, the appliance shop owner came to his shop, and because i confronted him on the way he blasted into his shop where he often spends the night living there, (so my nights are also sometimes made into nightmare hell), screeching his tires all the way in, he came charging out of his shop and began a long loud rapid-fire rant, which included loud banshee yells, and profanity-laden taunts. I had to call the police, and have the police officer make him lstop this. The next day, the police commander talked to him, and the dispatchers, who also were not that nice to me that night when i called, very frightened. He has been quieter ever since, but i have been scared every night ever since that night he yelled at me like a raging wild beast.

I moved here in May of 1991, because my father’s health was declining, and my parents could no longer afford to pay my rent where i had been living, where it was quiet, and where i was happy, and even doing well mentally. But ever since moving here, i have had nothing but problems ever since, and i have never been able to escape this place, try as hard as i may to do so. Because i lack the finances and resources to move to a place that i know will work for my sensories. No, i am not saying i need to move out in the sticks, and i do not wish to live in the sticks, because i need to be where i can be close to medical providers, hospitals, shopping, good churches, nice people who can be my friends, and my high speed internet, so i can have my YouTube fix at night.

I was going to move to a nice upper Midwestern location, but then i had a bad falling-out with the lady who lives there who was going to help me to make that dream become reality for me. So, that is not going to happen now.

I had really wanted to move there for several reasons.

Because i love that state, and have longed to visit that state, and many other Eastern states, ever since i was 10 years old.

Because for the past two years, i have had a string of awful personal caregivers who have been very abusive, both verbally, mentally, and who took great advantage of me financially to where i was almost going to default on some of my monthly bills.

I wanted to move there to escape that, to escape the bullies, and to escape the mean police who wouldn’t help me.

Because she told me that there, in her state, i would have good healthcare, good caregivers, a NICE place to live, and everything my heart desired for my happiness and well-being.

I wanted to move to her state because she told me

she would take me under her wing,

we would be like sisters,

we would go lots of places,

and she said i would also have the love of her whole family,

and that i would no longer have to spend my Thanksgivings, Christmases, and Easters alone anymore.

Now, i am back to square one, still living here, all alone, lonely, in this nightmare neighborhood. Those of you who understand the plight of Autistic adults, will get this, and those of you who don’t, or who ignore me because you think i am just a whiner and complainer, need to read this, because i am writing this because yes, i am crying out for help…..but i am also trying to educate everyone.¬†

I want my story to go viral. 

It needs to go viral.

We need to elect a Congress and Senate who will restore our programs and services, and who will work to make our programs and services even better.

President Obama himself, needs to read my story.





Today’s And Tonight’s Incidents And Why I Need Help As Soon As Possible

Today’s date: Tuesday, April 22, 2014, 11:04 PM. As i now write this, all is now quiet, but i am still utterly afraid.

This afternoon, Tuesday, April 22, 2014, Adult Protective Services called me. Because they had concerns. Because someone had called them to say that i needed 24 hour care and needed to be placed into a managed care facility ASAP. I called them back and also had my caregiver talk to them, to let them know that although i do need more IHSS care hours, i do not yet need 24 hour care, and that my needs are now being met. My caregiver went onto tell the lady from APS that my past caregiver did not take care of me at all, and that she even extorted alot of money from me. (My caregiver stories are chronicled in a six part series, and you can see the if you scroll down on my notes section here on Facebook.) 

After talking to my caregiver, the lady said i am okay, that there is no more need for them to be concerned about me. She told me to follow up with my IHSS case worker.

Whew, what a relief. To know that i can still remain in my own home. For those of you new to my world, i am an Autistic adult who is still battling, trying my best, to get the help i need. And, i am living where i am being bullied on all sides, by mean men in an appliance store, and by mean men in an auto shop. I am trying to move from here.

The second incident, was tonight, again on Tuesday, April 22, 2014, when, at about 8:30 PM Pacific time, my time, the owner of the appliance store came barrelling onto the street, with his tires screeching and his music blaring. Of course this set me off. When he got out of his car to go in his tin building for the night, i yelled at him, that i didn’t appreciate the noise. That i was sick and tired of this, that i could tell he had screeched his tires and reved his motor, because i could smell it in the air. His response was to literally go crazy, and go off on me. He began to yell my name over and over, saying: “Melissa, hey, Melissa, i want to talk to you….” At first, i thought he was going to talk things out with me nicely, like two civil human being adults.


When i began to talk, he lost it, calling me a stream of profane names, “Hey you little fuckin’ beeeeeeeeeeetch,” and then he went onto babble “You fucking this, fucking that, i am sick and tired of being harassed by you, you fucking beeeeeeetch” all in such fast rapid speech that it was making my head spin. I kept trying to calm him down and reason with him, and he began to come right across the street, parrallel to my house, STILL yelling a stream of cuss words at me. I warned him to stop, or i would call the police. And….i did. At the same time, a lady, her teenage son, and their dog had stopped and were taking this whole scene in. They promised to stay with me until the police came. And they did.

The dispatcher i talked to? Her name was Laura. She was not at all nice to me. She was one of the ones who used to give me attitude before when we had the “Other” police chief, who allowed the police to all just blow my problems all off and treat me rudely. When i used to call, that was just how they would treat me, like i was a total “Less-than.” Which is one of the reasons i am now deathly afraid to call police dispatch anymore, so i have either my mom, or friends call for me. And she, Laura, was no different with me tonight. It didn’t seem to matter to her that i was dearly frightened, as the appliance store owner was still raging and yelling and cussing a solid stream at me, she still kept yelling at me to calm down. Then she goes: “Ohhhh, is this Me-liiiiiissssa Fiiiiiiieeeeelds?” In that familiar and derisive tone she always used with me before. I replied “yes.” She said that i needed to shut my door and stay inside, and the officer would be coming.

The officer did come. And he was an officer who i had dealt with before we got the nice new police cheif who wants the police to treat me with respect now. He, the officer that came in response to my call tonight, was actually nice to me. He talked to the appliance store owner, telling him to not have anymore contact with me. Then he addressed me, and i explainded that i am Autistic, and that this man harasses me alot. With loud noise, etc. The officer said he indeed did hear him banshee yelling at me as he was driving up. I told him that he likes to play his music sonically loud inside of his tin building too, so loudly that it vibrates my walls. He said for me to go inside, that he would be patrolling my street, and to call if there are anymore problems. Appliance store owner yelled then that “I love you, Meliiiiiisssssssaaaaaaa, maybe one of these days i will bring you a bahhhh~nahhhh~nahhhhhh, you fucking beeeeeeeetch!!”

He left. I went inside, and Mr. Appliance Store Owner flared right up again, with more of the same loud banshee yells, tauntings…..AAAAAAAAAAAAND,…………he then turned his music up LOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUD this time, it was louder than EVER, so i went to call back again. THIS time, Laura scolded me, saying there was nothing they could do about the loud banshee yelling, if he was doing it across the street, but i told her that he was blasting his music again, and she said “Oh, now he’s blasting his music too? ” as if to say i was LYING….i told her, that i did not like her implying i am a liar, and that this is the VERY reason why i have others call for me, instead of me calling, because they, the dispatchers, treat ME like i’m an idiot!! So, i am afraid to call them for just that reason!!! I am also afraid to see the appliance store pickup now. And any of the vehicles from the auto shop too. They all frighten me badly now. I see them as weapons of terror. Seriously. I am too frightened to get through my night tonight. My dad and brothers and mean sister all treated me this way. This makes me have flashbacks to my childhood.¬†

My entire exchanges with the appliance store owner, and the police happened between the hours of 8:30 PM and 10:00 PM, with my calls to Laura in Dispatch taking place about 8:30, and 8:50 PM, approximately. I also had my friend Emily, and my mother both call the police. My mom also got Laura, and said she was not nice to her either. Emily got a dispatcher named Tracy, who she says was also clueless. This all took place on the evening of Tuesday, April 22, 2014, when i was just trying to enjoy some YouTube videos.

Please share this blog. You all need to know what my life is like. I am not lying. I live in a neighborhood full of terrorists who seem to think it is pure joy to bully and torment the living daylights out of me and take what little i have to enjoy of my life away from me too. This is why i want to escape this whole city. Because i still don’t feel i am safe here. I still feel too afraid to call the police. Because of how Laura and Tracy both treated me, my mom, and my friend when we called. Because i feel utterly unwelcome here.

I am so very afraid tonight. You don’t know how afraid i am right now still. Because that raging monster is still across the street, and he is still awake with his lights on inside of that tin building. I so wish i had someone to talk to right now. I need help. I need to move as soon as i can. Please.

To All Of My New Friends

To All Of My New Friends,


This is a note to explain about me and my situation. I am almost 54 years old, and i am Autistic. I have suffered my whole life, not from my Autism, but from because of growing up being misunderstood, misjudged, and rejected, because most people have not taken the time to understand and get to know me. My aim in life is to tell my story, by venting and blogging and vlogging, to educate everyone globally as to how life is for those of us who are Autistic and who grew up without support, acceptance, and love.

I am not a drama queen, nor do i like drama; however, i do happen to vent alot, as a way to cope with what happens to me. I need to vent, so i can get it out, so i can process through things that happen to me, and to educate all of you who i come into contact with, so you will know and understand. My hope in telling my story, is to make this world Autism friendly.

I have been the victim of much bullying, sadly, by most of my family, mean schoolkids, etc.,…..and i still am being bullied to this day by mean men in several nearby businesses where i have been living for the past 23 years. On top of this, i have had to deal with many of my close friendships that i have had, ending very badly, with the people turning angrily against me.

I have run all of my past personal caregivers off too.

I have also had many of those caregivers be very very abusive towards me.

It has always been hard for me to keep friends. And my caregivers.

Reason is because i am a very complex person; i still have lots, lots, and lots of fears, rituals, routines, hangups, phobias, and fetishes, that most people don;’t understand, nor even want to.

I have deep ongoing PTSD issues. I have a deep-seated fear of being abandoned over and over again.

I have noise sensitivities to certain types of noises, mainly the loud noises the bullies in my neighborhood make deliberately to antagonize me, with their motor vehicles, and their LOUD booming bass.

I cannot wear headphones or earplugs, as things in or on my ears bugs the living daylights out of me too. Nor do i feel i should have to wear earplugs in my own home just to be able to live my daily life.

I do have a sense of humor, i am fun, goofy, and easy to get along with, if you are genuinely accepting of me.

I am also very compassionate, caring, and i do not lack empathy for others at all. I am however, in my own world much of the time, and it is hard for me to show or reciprocate affection and appreciation towards others.

I love people, children, babies, and animals, but i am not good at being close with anyone, either human or creature. I cannot handle holding babies, or cuddling with a cat or dog, due to sensory issues with that kind of interaction. I love hugs though, but i have to be hugged a certain way, or that can even throw me off.

My brain and body are simply wired differently.

Please get to know me, and feel free to ask me questions before you judge me and give up on being my friend, please. Please also let me talk. Please don’t talk over me, or at me or talk down to me. Or talk to me like i’m a baby.

I get easily discouraged when people get mean and harsh woith me and give up on me. This makes me not want to even try anymore.

Please know that this is my wall, and my safe space here on Facebook. I seek to make friends with people who are going to truly “get” and accept me.

I am a bleeding heart liberal person who has faith, and i do cuss, and i am quite outspoken, so please don’t let that throw you. I am not a mean person though. I am not here to hurt anyone, just to tell my Autistic story, so i can do my part to help end the hate and stigma that is still out there.

I wrote this because i have had alot of problems even here on the internet being understood.

Thank you all for listening.

My Views On Religion, Because…..

I just woke up from a nice three hour nap because i just had a very scary dream.

In real life, growing up Autistic was a literal nightmare because of my family and being a Catholic. I am not meaning this as a slam against Catholicism, or any other religion; however, that being said, i do want to address the ways religion has failed me throughout my life…..and to also address the dream i just had.

In real life, when i was growing up, as a teenager in the 1970’s, i had plenty of problems with my father, who was a very strict and stern Catholic, who did not accept me at all the way i was, because of me being so different. He spent his entire time trying to correct me, scold me, change me, and literally squelch me. He was alway, always yelling at me and shutting me up. In addition, we were all made to pile into the family station wagon whether we liked it or not, each and every Sunday morning, bright and early, at 7:15 AM, to drive the 22 miles into town to attend 8:00 AM Mass at a chilly cold Catholic church, where they seemed to be quite allergic to turning the heat on, or even providing us with pews that were soft and cushioned. On top of this, i also had to contend with my three brothers and three sisters, who were also mean to me, taunting me and picking on me much of the time, all because i was so much different than they were.

The period between the summer before, and all during, my Sophomore year of high school, (1975-76) was particularly painful for me, because my little brother turned really mean beginning that September, and he got so mean that i became literally afraid to see his face at the dinner table anymore, so i began to spend my afternoons and evenings in my bedroom, only going out to go use the bathroom when i knew he was in bed. My little brother literally began to glare at me all the time, growling at me, and calling me names, and telling me “Hoooooomphaaaaa!” all the time, in such a way that i grew to really hate……i can still remember both the wide-eyed harsh look on his face, and the mean belligerent tone of his voice whenever he would tell me over and over:

“Hoooooooomphaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!”……and also ¬†call me “Pigggggaaaat!!”……..

and the dinner table became the worst place for me to be, firstly, because my father would still not let me talk during dinner, except that i was allowed to ask to pass the butter or food, and because my little brother would literally sit directly across from me and give me what i would literally describe as an evil diabolical glare that frightened me to the very core of my being. I grew to dread seeing his big blue eyes because of that. I began to keep my hand in front of my face when in the prescence of my little brother, and even in the years following that, even when he began to be nice to me again, i would still keep my eyes averted from his, and i would still even keep my hand up to shield my face from his. In fact, my relationship with him was never the same after that summer and school year.

I have always been afraid of him ever since then.

I began to have to take my dinners, all of them, in my bedroom. I did this my whole entire Sophomore year of high school. I came out at Thanksgiving and Christmas though, when my mom made him back off and be nicer. But this affected me badly……

My weekends were the worst, because i had to stay in my room the entire time to escape him and his “Hooooomphaaaaas” and “Piiiiigaaaaats”.

He actually even said over and over, that i was not a part of the family.

I felt even more cut off from my whole family than ever that year, because of how i was being ostrascized.

At that time, i was reading alot of horror story books, and watching alot of horror movies. I had also had a very frightening dream at the end of my Freshman year of high school, June of 1975, (i went to a Catholic high school all four years, by the way) in which the devil was trying to hunt me down and possess me. Also, that summer before my Sophomore year, my sister, the one who has always been really mean to me, had brought home a Ouija board, and she, my little brother, and i, would play with that every afternoon, and it would tell me awful things about my life, that:

I would never learn how to drive;

I would never have boyfriends until after i was in my twenties;

I would weight 150 pounds by my senior year of high school;

I would go on government aid and never work, and live at home till my late twenties with Mom and Dad. 

In addition, that September, my eldest brother had also stopped speaking to me, because i couldn’t take his rough teasing, so he decided to just stop talking to me altogether. My eldest sister, the one who i refer to as one of my nice sisters, was also being very snotty with me all the time. And my other sister, who i refer to as my really mean sister, (who i mentioned above), had taken up residency, placing her craft desk right in front of the part of the kitchen counter, right where the family radio was so i could no longer have access to my music after school. I would have to sneak it at night when everyone were all in bed, so i could still get to listen to my favorite tunes.

I ran away three times that school year, first to a girl’s house here in Santa Maria, and then to Santa Barbara, and then to another guy’s house, because i badly wanted to escape my family.

The reason i bring up my teenage past, is because my little brother, that same station wagon, and my whole family, all grown up, were all in this dream. All were nice to me, exceot for “Caras”, my little brother, who is now almost 50 years old. (“Caras” is not his real name, by the way.) In this dream that i just had, we were back at our home in the mountains, and Caras would not say hi to me nor speak to me at all, because he said that i was a bad sinner, because of all of my liberal views, and the kind of music i listen to. I still like heavy metal, but now listen to an eclectic mix of indie rock alternative, New Wave, electronica, etc. He said that unless i changed my ways, dark things would begin to happen to me…and he began to glare and hiss at me again. I also heard another voice saying that the path to hell was very wide, and the path to heaven was very narrow…..

That’s where i woke up. Scared shitless!!!!!!

I am already greatly afraid of going to hell when i die.

But my views ARE liberal, because i refuse to believe that God is mean and too strict. I had “Mean and Too Strict” growing up. I have also had “Mean and Too Strict” in most of the churches i have gone to throughout my years on this earth. My family are full of mean people who still shun and ignore me, even now. Caras even told my mom as recently as September of 2005, that if i were to move up to Idaho, that he would have to stop having family BBQ’s, because if i was there, it would ruin his enjoyment.

He now says that he prays for me everyday, but that he is too scared to have any contact with me because i have always “made him too nervous.”

As for some of my church experiences? 

At a Southern Baptist church, i was told that God would blow up the engine on my car if i kept taking my long drives up and down the 101 freeway, because i was “Idolizing that freeway more than God”. Even though it gave me great comfort to drive the 101 freeway everyday. I had just learned how to drive in the spring of 1990, and i have always had a real road geek facination with highways and freeways. At that same church, i was told that rock ‘n’ roll was evil and bad. I was told this at many of the churches i went to, that rock ‘n’ roll was bad and of the devil.

In 1995, i began going to an intercessory prayer group which was down near the town of Solvang, two ladies and a man, who told me that i was going to go to hell if i kept watching MTV and “Beavis & Butthead”!! They also told me that if i didn’t learn how to forgive my dad and all who bullied me on my street, that God was going to take me “Around the mountain over and over and keep me living in poverty” until i “learned my lessons”.

Out of my fear that i would go to hell…i ended up throwing my music collection away several times, only to buy it all back, and repeat process, over and over, out of my fear that i would go to hell if i kept listening to heavy metal and grunge music.

Just recently, i was told by some church people that i could have my Autism prayed off of me!!

Other examples of why i am so against organized religion…..and why i am truthfully too afraid of God to actually feel the love i know i “should” feel for him….are things like:

the Tea Party and their cruel, barbaric and heartless brand of politics;

The same cruel heartless attitude of most of Christian television and televangelists;

The Christian hate i see towards the LGBTQI community;

The way the Catholic church has handled—-no, the way they have swept under the rug—-the issue of all of the priests who have sexually molested so many children—and how that is STILL not being addressed;

A certain Christian rock station i used to like to stream online, where i began to hear the morning deejays poking fun at elderly and disabled people, and they were also even engaging in fat-shaming….yes, these “good Christian” deejays were telling awful mean fat jokes, right on Christian rock radio!! And in the same breath, they were talking about how much God loves us!! Pppphhhhht!!!

The way many Christians shun those who are poor, disabled, and elderly.

I have been shunned and ignored, and accused falsely by many a soul who calls themselves Christian.

Even so, i know my faith and beliefs at the core, are that i feel that there is a God. And i want to feel that my God is a loving god. But i also happen to respect people who have different beliefs and faiths. I would be wrong not to. i going to go to hell just because of that?

And why, please tell me, why, i would have the dream i just had?

I need answers, please!! Because that dream really scared the pie out of me!!!!!!!





Seriously, Where Has All The Love Gone?

I love that i am once again able to put money in my rainy day savings. I love it that i now don’t have that awful constant fight-or-flight urge to hop a bus to nowhere that i used to have. I love it that i now have a caregiver who really sincerely cares about me.

I found out that JuJu, my last caregiver, was going into one nearby restaurant and complaining to the ppl who work there about me every single time she would go in to get me food for my dinners. AND that she was always telling me my bill was higher than it actually was!! So she could pocket the money!!

JuJu also was mean and rude to the ppl at the Walgreens where i get my scripts for my meds. Also, i found out i don’t have to pay out of pocket for my Ativan, that my Medicare Part D pays for it!! JuJu lied about that too, so she could pocket that money too!! JuJu was mean and rude to alot of ppl on my behalf.

I am so glad i don’t have JuJu anymore as my daily nightmare.

I am so glad i didn;’t follow the yellow brick road to Michigan either, as the circumstances were not right in any way, shape or form at this time for me to do that either.

But ya know what? I fail to see why this world is growing to be so ugly and callous and uncaring to those who are most vulnerable. Churches especially, where one would think that we could turn to to get help, also turn us away like we are lepers. Many of our own families even turn us away, and ignore us, hoping we will just fade off into oblivion if they ignore us enough.

It’s really freaking sad that society has stopped caring.

I do not suffer from my Autism….i suffer from the hate, abuse, and harsh misjudgement i get from most of society.

And So Begins Another Week…..More Random Thoughts

…..And so it goes another week…..i just found out that my other nice sister, the one in Arizona, is moving for the next five months to a place where she will have no phone, no internet, because it’s a job for both her and her husband, as they need the money, and now i will have to communicate via old school snail mail with her….something i don’t have the spoons to do at all anymore. I am devastated that she didn’t take the time to freakin’ tell me this. She called my mom and told her, but not me. So sick of the way i am treated and shunned and overlooked by my family!!

You know what i hate? Is when people who turn against me, are always so quick to tell me that

i am selfish,

i am rude and demanding,

that i use my Autism as an excuse,

that i hide behind my Autism,

that i lie and twist things,

that i would do better if i just tried harder,

that i need to grow up,

if only these people got off of their high horses long enough to realize with Autism, 

we have alot of fears, phobias, hangups, routines, and rituals.

These things are magnified and amplified ten to 100’s of times more than how it is for the normal person.

We are not selfish, but our world is very precious to us, far more so than a normal person’s is because our world is our safe zone where we go to escape the harshness of the NT world, who for the most part still refuses to get us, to treat us as the human beings we are.

I also don’t lack empathy and compassion.¬†

I also have a sense of humor.

And i happen to care about others more than you in the NT world know.

I am not stupid, nor is my hearing bad, i am just wired differently.

My meltdowns happen when people won’t

take the time to listen to me,

really hear me, and respect me where i am at…..

when NT people try to problem solve, cure, and fix me,

or they tell me i need to just grow up and “get over it!”.

They don’t realize it is hard, if not impossible for me to get over things that happen, especially when they happen one on top of another. Or when people move my things or buy the wrong brand of dish soap or other things i like.

Wake up….because we are going to tell our stories. Listen to us. Hear us.

We MATTER. We have a voice. And we have every right to exist and live happy fulfilled lives!!



True Friend, Or Fake Friend?

The following is my rant about a friend i met here on Facebook two years ago, who lives somewhere in the Eastern US, who came to be like a sister to me: It is my strong view that i was royally screwed over by her. She became my friend in Sept. of 2012, promising me right off the bat, 

that because she knew all about me, 

that because she knew exactly how to deal with me, and how not to deal with me, 

that because she knew all about what not to do to hurt me any further than i already was being hurt by mean caregivers, and others who did not get my Autism, that she was going to do everything to help me to be able to leave my neighborhood, Santa Maria, and even the state of California. She promised me that she was going to make everything right in my life. That i was going to be happy and have all of my lifelong dreams fulfilled by her. I beleived her. I truly believed her.

In January of this year, she finally convinced me to talk my mother into selling the two units where i have lived for the past 23 years. Even though my mother needed the rental income. Due to more convincing by her, she made me feel that my promised land was going to be M. And so, to that end, i actually set out to make serious plans, that when these units were going to be sold, that i was going to move back to her hometown to live, and have a brand new happy life, free from the bullies, and with excellent healthcare and Autism services!! 

I really had my heart set on moving to M, because, for one thing, M is one of many Eastern states that i have always longed to see ever since i was a 10 year old girl, as M is a very beautiful state!! I truly felt in my heart of hearts, that i would be moving there by at least June of this year!! This lady told me that when i got back there, she was going to take me totally under her wing and help me with anything and everything. 

She told me she was going to set me up temporarily in her house, with my very own bedroom and bathroom…and that i was even going to be a full-on part of her family, something she also knew that i really want and crave in my life, because my own family, most of them, sadly, ignore and shun me. But sadly, none of this was ever meant to happen after all, because most of the things she said she was going to do for me, kept not getting done.

In addition, she was going to set me up with a website, yes, even my very own website, but that never happened either. She was also supposed to make several phone calls for me and never followed through with those either. She is a lady who touts herself as a self advocate and an Autism advocate who has over twenty years of experience dealing with Autistic children and adults. But i truly believe now that she seems to like to exploit people’s vulnerabilities and then drop them and turn them into villains when she can’t deliver on her promises. Or when they dare to stand up to her. In addition, i came to find out that this lady has a very hot temper, and she seems to be very quick to get pissed off and lose it easily with those who disagree, challenge, or cross her in any way. I noticed she would turn against other people alot, and then talk about all the ways she could, and would, get even with them. It did scare me, but i continued on as her friend, because i really felt she would be different with me, and that she could help me, as she kept dangling the prospect of how great my new life in M was going to be. I truly believed with all of my heart and soul that she was going to get me back there, and that she was going to help me find my own nice place on my housing assistance voucher. That’s just it: i truly believed her promises!!

I grew to love this woman even though she seems to be a very aggressive and angry person, because she had that very sweet side to her. And she was so convincing!! She told me all the time that her phone was open to me 24/7/365….literally!! That if i could not reach her at her number, i could call her husband’s phone, and he would get her to call me. I took her at her word, and i did call her alot, because i came to depend on her. She also would call me, even several times when i was right in the middle of watching YouTube videos, something i need and love to do during the night to help me calm down from my stressful days. She was well aware that i loved my routine of nightly YouTube watching, but would call anyway, and keep me on the phone for literally hours, till my whole night’s routine was ruined. For an Autistic person, it is often quite devastating to us to have our routines interrupted, as we need those routines in order to cope better with all of the sensory input life gives us. It throws me totally off to have my routines and rituals interrupted.

So yes, i did call her alot, and i learned to lean on her with all my might, until she the night of March 17th, 2014, when she became downright belligerant and said how much i was taking away from her in terms of her health, sleep, family, even food…..yes, last month, she suddenly turned on me and my friends, and then it was all over. (During the course of hers and my friendship though, she would often tell me how much she was sacrificing to be a friend to me—-but would always be quick to tell me that she did it because she enjoyed me, and cared about me, and that she chose to do this for me, because she loved me like a sister.) But to be honest, she would rile me up during those phone calls, and rile me way up to the point where i would be in a state of even more anxiety and distress than i was before getting on the phone with her. During these often nightly phone calls, she would often go into long spells of loud babble modes where she would talk, talk, talk, and talk, so much, and so loudly, that it was just like a huge wall of talk, where i would not be able to talk at all, and i would literally have to scream at her to penatrate those babble modes, so i could talk. This added greatly to my already overflowing anxiety and sensory overload. I am not trying to be mean to the lady; i knew she had problems and issues, but this was just too much for me. And then she would actually get me to turn against people. I was often in crisis mode during these calls, due to ongoing problems with bad caregivers, and the noise and bullying issues on the street, so i needed her to be my rock. I often had to have her call the cops for me, as i am afraid to call them myself. I did have alot of meltdowns when talking to her too, both because of the distress i was already in due to my caregivers, and due to the street, plus the distress it caused me on top of that, to not be able to penatrate her babble modes.

Even so, i was quite crushed when she turned on me and my friends the night of March 17th, 2014….and i tried my best to get her to tell me why she was so angry at me and my friends now. I wrote her three messages via Facebook, then three emails to try to find out. I also unfriended and blocked her, because i was now frightened of her due to how she got with us in our private chatroom the night of March 17th.

To cope with these kinds of things, and to help me be able to process through these kinds of things, such as fallings-out with people, and caregivers, i NEED to be free to write about it, so i vented as i usually do, on my Facebook wall, and in a new private chat i have set up with a few of my most trusted friends, so i can discuss things that i can’t out in the open. My vents and blogs were carefully writen so as to not reveal this lady’s identity or her specific location. I KNEW these vents and blogs were legally written. Even so, she found out through one of my other friends in that chat, (a friend who is now deleted and blocked, because she betrayed my trust and confidence by going to the lady in M and tattling on me), that i was venting, and even though, in my vents and my blogs, i never mentioned The M Lady’s name or her specific location, M Lady went to one of my other friends and began writing her, rant after long rant, threatening me that if i did not take all of my blogs down, again, even though i have every right to write what i did, as it is NOT lies, and i never mentioned her name or her specific location, and it IS part of my story, she threatened me with both civil and criminal charges, and even prison. She went onto even call the police to my house at 2 AM the morning of Tuesday, April 1st, 2014, alleging (falsely) that i was going to commit suicide, that i had a daily history of self harm, and that i needed to be sent to a psych ward. Even though she had no evidence to support her allegations. She still took it upon herself to call the police on me that night. When the officers came, i was on the phone to another friend, who is witness to this, and we both told them i was fine, that this friend was upset at me due to a fallout we had had, and was doing this (calling of the police on me) just out of her spite towards me. Out of fear, i had to take my blogs down.

Please, if any of you get to know anyone like this lady, anyone who comes on strongly to you with promises that just sound “too good to be true”, do not let people like that suck you in. Watch your back with those who “promise you the moon”, please!!

Talk to your friends and family and get their advice about how to proceed with that person who comes into your life to help you. Have them even talk to the person who has come into your life saying how much they can solve any issues you are having. Investigate them, and have your family and friend investigate them. Chances are pretty good that if they make promises that sound too grandiose, those promises probably are grandiose, and it is very likely that person is just blowing hot air out of their mouths to try to lure you in so they can use you to boost their ego and alleged reputation as a good advocate!! 

As i stated before, the particular lady who i was friends with, has recently turned on me and several of my friends, and now refuses to make things right. In fact, she is now calling me a liar, saying that i am selfish, that i twist things, and that i even burst her eardrum with my last phone call to her because of the meltdown i was having. She has falsely accused me of being rude and abusive, when i was just trying to stand up to her. She has now made threats to sue me, and to file both civil and criminal charges against me if i don’t “SHUT UP.” In addition, in the weeks leading up to our falling out, she also changed things to where i was now going to be getting her formal dining room to stay in, yes, her formal dining room, which is right off of her KITCHEN behind two glass French doors, which she knows would be VERY noisy for me, NOT private, and i would have to walk through those doors through her kitchen, to use her master bathroom.

In addition, her loud talking spells were getting much worse, and my friends and i were seeing more signs of her losing her patience and temper with us and others. The night of March 17th, she was supposed to call the cops back with the address of a person who i perceived to be a threat to me, and she kept leading us to believe that call was not being made, and that added to my distress, and then things blew up from there, because when i lost my ability to chat in the group, i had one of the others in the group speak up for me, and the Lady From Michigan began to verbally lay into her. This made me get very frightened, and so i unfriended the Lady from M….and i blocked her too. Because i was now petrified of her.

In my strong opinion, that woman is not a true friend of the disabled community, so please, be careful of who befriends you, telling you that they can solve all of your problems!! Not everyone in this world are nice, trustworthy people.

I don’t feel that she was a nice person.

At all.

For All Of You Who Have Given Up On Me

This is an open letter to all of you who have given up on me.

Please remember how much you loved and cared about me in the beginning.

Please remember that a real live beating heart beats inside of this soul.

that breaks into a million rivers of tears that won’t stop

when people walk away and throw me away in the trash like you just did

Please remember the person you walked away from….my kindness, my compassion,

my infectious laugh and giggle

how much i hoped, and longed, and yearned for the promises you held forth to me.

I had my heart so set on those dreams.

When you give up on an Autistic person

especially one who has already been hurt to her limit by people

you place even more huge rocks in our paths that should not be.

you slam shut the very flower we are still striving to become.

you take away our rivers of living joy.

you snuff out the light of the candle we hold in hope of the light that we know is there.

you leave us trapped in the very mire we are trying so hard to climb out of.

No matter what

the universal law of love is this

that love is unconditional

and love never gives up

it always hopes

it always believes in others

it is never rude, nor does it ever demand its own way

it is patient 

it is kind

and like the candle in my hand

the flame of love never dies out.

please stop bruising my broken reed.

I need dreams i can not only hope for

but dreams that can finally come true for me.

Things People Don’t Realize About Me

Things people don’t realize about me.
I am not a diva.
I do not enjoy yelling and having meltdowns.
I have feelings. And i am hurting.
I have a right to be depressed and to have bad days.
Just like everyone else does.
I have alot to be depressed and worried about.
I am a loyal friend, and i mean what i tell you.
If i had the money, i would buy you anything you needed.
If i had the money, i would do anything for you.
I do not lie.
I do not steal.
I do not cheat.
I really do mourn the loss of my independence.
It hurts when i can no longer do the things i need and want to do when
i need and want to do them. 
This makes me feel like i am a little child again.
It hurts when you laugh at me, mock me, and make fun of me.
It hurts when you won’t listen to me, and really listen.
I really do want to run away right now, because my life has become so 
unbelievably unbearable.
I am Autistic, and i cannot take that off, or hide it.
My Autism is ME. Till the day i die.
Everyone is always welcome in my home.
I mean NO harm to anyone.
I am not crazy, i am not a monster, and please
do not laugh at me but laugh with me.
I am generous with what i do have to give to you.
I am breaking beyond the strain of the worry and fear i have that i will
be stranded without care, without friends, without a way out of this trap i am in.
I am hurting more than anyone can know or realize.
But i am praying fervently
that i will be able to move soon.



cold winter sunsets
can see them
but from inside of my house
i long to go to the coast
to hear and see the huge waves
that are there today
i cannot
even do that.
All i can think about
is getting my leg taken care of
so that i can make my move 
out of here.
Then i can see and experience
all the beauty around me again
Some how some way
it is going to happen.
It has to happen.
I have had far too many
disappointments and
things fall through
now is my time to move.
It IS going to happen.
It IS going to happen.