The following emails i am putting here, are not being put here to slam the person who wrote them to me, but to get my Community’s input. I am hiding all identifying features for the sake of this person’s privacy. But this relationship/friendship is one of the ones that has damaged me emotionally, as she has always gotten very gaslighty with me during our arguments. I have had to for the sake of my self-care, unfriend and block her again. Not because i hate her, but because we do not get along, and, even after all of this time, she still does not get Autism at all, no matter how much i have tried to tell her, and how much i have given her in the way of blogs and videos to read and watch.
She is basically a longtime friend of my family who i have begun to have several huge falling-outs with in the past three years. It breaks my heart to have to finally make a permanent break from her, but i have had to now, because she triggers me greatly, and it is impossible to talk to her.
The following are excerpts from our emails and messages over the years. Because…..i need to be reassured nothing is wrong with me……..
First email written to her on May 28, 2013:
“I want to move from here now. I really want to move from here. I was really trying to work things out, and now you have me blocked. I no longer feel at ease at all here. I know you and ***** hate me. please keep the dog off my lawn and your kids too and just stay away from me if this is how you want this to be. just stay away from me…..just please stay away from me……..how unChristian of you……how utterly unChristian…….”
This was written because she lived next door to me then, and her dog was coming onto my lawn all the time to poop all over it……and they, both her and her husband, would give me grief about cleaning it up. They had also promised both me and my mom they would be kind to me. But they were not. They were busy with jobs, life, their kids, and put up iron tall boundaries to keep me shut out. They knew i was a shut-in, and would not even take me to church with them or to their church functions, even though i would repeatedly beg them to take me with them. Being shut out is like rejection to me, and it is a huge trigger for me.
When i am triggered, i lose my words, i get scared, and i react out of that fear for my survival, if that makes sense. I have deep PTSD and lifelong trust and abandonment issues because of the way i was treated and the way people would react to me growing up. Most people, most of my family, never understood i was Autistic, and that that was why i had meltdowns and all of the sensory issues i always had.
This second email was written to her, after my caregiver, whom i will call “Rose”, also my ex-friend from high school, walked out on me, leaving me without a caregiver for one whole month, that whole month of May 2013. After Rose left me, i had to depend on this friend to shop for me once a week and pick up my mail once a week. She also gave me lots of grief and complained loudly about having to shop for me and get my mail. I had an ex-caregiver who i was friends with again take me to do my banking during that time, so i would not have to depend on my childhood family friend for that too.
Here is that email…..
“****, please read, and don’t block me here too…i am so not trying to cause you and **** any trouble, just trying to explain myself so i don’t have you mad at me and scolding me anymore…..i have to live here till i can move, and now i feel so very uncomfortable here, because now i feel that there are problems and a rift between us……
i am sorry i called your mom about the trash the other night, i am sorry i can’t stand my bread to be smashed, or that i cannot stand to eat fat free or lowfat Ranch dressing…..but i implore you to please not throw me away because i am different and difficult….autism is different and difficult though, but that does not make me a bad person, i promise you, and for the last time, i did not abuse Rose!!!!!!!!!
I am now looking for another place to move to….i will be looking at some apartments on Monday, in fact. Also, the only reason i had H call you that day, and then that nice social worker come to talk to you, was only so you and ***** would be able to better understand me. I am not trying to be a pest or a burden, nor am i trying to get you to be “involved” in my life, i only want you and ***** to like and accept me, and to understand my situation, and my autism, and respect me, and my autism, please!!!! In the meantime, Please, take the time to read this poem i made, and click on and read the blogs in the links i provided below….Love, Melissa
is NOT a mental illness that can be cured or fixed
is NOT a behavioral disorder
is NOT something to be scolded away or chastised and criticized
is not an excuse, but a reality for me
means that i cannot process things the way a normal person can
it isn’t that i don’t want to
it is that i am not able to do and act certain ways that a normal person wants me to
I do not have the filters in my brain that a normal person does…so things, like certain tastes, touches, smells, textures, certain noises, lights, tones of voice, etc., bother me much more than these things do a normal person
does not mean that normal people can take away my right to be, and my voice
does not mean a normal person has the right to talk over me or about me like i am not here in the room with them
does not mean a normal person can talk down to me and treat me like dirt
Autism does not mean a normal person can deny me my right to stim and have my own rituals, and hang ups and OCD traits
does not mean a normal person has the right to belittle and disempower me and invalidate how i feel
meltdowns are as different from a temper tantrum as day is from night
please talk to me and ask me questions
please don’t be so quick to judge me and make assumptions about me
to all of my new caregivers, please know that you work for me, so please respect my right to be who i am in my own home
i am a candle that is trying my best to shine bright in a world that is still mostly hostile and scary to me
i am a human being who has feelings, dreams, goals, and i care, i have a heart, and i have compassion and empathy for others even though i don’t show it the right way sometimes
is not a curse…it is a blessing and a different way to see the world we live in
Respect Me, and i will be your loyal friend for life.
I wrote this above poem for Rose, actually, so she could understand me better.
This was her response:
“Missy, I never blocked you! You blocked me on facebook and my calls. It is fine and all is well. It was fine taking back the salad dressing that was my fault. I just hope these caregivers work, I know they will, I am praying they do. Just remember before you get too upset with them, wait until you have another lined up before you let them go. Remember how hard it was to find them and how hard it was on you and your mom. Whew too stressful on your nerves. Have a good time watching your videos”
To which i responded:
“No, i didn’t block you on Facebook…..at all…..i cannot access your facebook at all. (Your husband) blocked me yesterday. I hope you realize that i don;t choose to “be this way” or to get upset at people.
It’s not like i can turn this on and off at will. I want you to understand that it is hard for me when things, noises and people come at me too fast, too impatiently, or too abrasively, i shut down and run off from them. The Rose things was not my doing, she was abusive, even more so than Little Jess was.
The guy in the back of us even told you how she yelled and screamed at me, so by what he said, it is proof, that none of it was my doing.
I declare my innocence before you. I am not here to gain anyone’s approval or permission to just be me……….i wish you were not so against me……i am trying to talk to you and explain so we can get along until i can move from here.
Nothing is “wrong” with me….i am not bad…..i just have a neurological disorder called autism….autism is a different operating system……please give me a break here, and just be my lifelong friend that i grew up with!!!!!! Please!!!!!!!!!! Did you even read my poem????????????????? or what i said??????????? 😥 ”
This was her response:
“If you know I was going to be upset with you for calling my mother, why on earth would you purposefully do something.
That is what I just could not understand either. You know the difference between right and wrong.
You knew I would be upset , you said that yourself, and called my mom anyway. That was wrong.
I was in the shower when you called, showering myself and the kids, it takes time to bathe them, lotion them, brush there teeth, read them a book, get them to sleep, as soon as I was done I would have called you.
I had 20 lbs of tomatoes to chop that night, I was making 3 gallons of salsa for the Retreat I am involved and of service to lots of different things.
My church, the retreat Search, (my daughter’s) school and her classroom and I am trying to work 2 days a week, and I grocery shop for my mom and take her on errands once to 2 times a week a dr appt or whatever she needs.
And trust me having a husband is worse than the 2 kids! 🙂 lol trying to keep him in line! Whew that is exhausing….
There is a ton of information on it and how adults with Aspergers learn these skills.
I have a friend, K who has been a teacher for 12 years and she works solely with children (I know you are not a child) who have aspergers and autism and when you are young it is easier to learn.
But I think you would have a whole different outlook if you read into it a little, maybe it will help you understand me and others and where we are coming from. As much as you want to be understood we want you to understand us! Maybe how a person without Aspergers thinks and feels. I love you , I am going to bed, whew I am tired 🙂 have a great day tomorrow Missy! ”
Her second response:
“Yes MIssy I have read the whole poem you have sent it to me before I reread it.
I could not see you on facebook, it said I had to be a friend, you had unfriended me.
I did not want you putting all kinds of negative comments like you did Little J or Rose or G*** whom you always called G,
I was not about to be reading things about “**” since you were mad at me. So i figured since you had already unfriended me I would just block you from sending me messages too,
I did not want to hear anymore things about me that were untrue. (My husband) might have blocked the phone, he was really upset when he read the messages you wrote, with the phone it doesn’t matter because you had already blocked my calls in the first place.
So I don’t want to play that game.
It took me 30 minutes to find it on facebook, to block the mesages, I almost deleted my whole account, but my mother in law would kill me (kids pictures) and I could not call you anyway so I was not about to try and double block the phone, block you when you had already blocked me. Whew I am exhausted… Missy, really lots of love to you and I am going to sleep.
I am your friend always! 🙂 “
Her third response:
“I forgot to ask about the moving part? What are you talking about moving? That is absurd, why would you want to do that, Missy you are blowing this all out of proportion. Why because I asked you not to call my mom? I was non stop busy when you called and after, all I wanted was to get the kids to sleep first. I would not have picked up the phone for my mom but it was so loud when I was trying to get the kids to sleep. “
“WTF?????? This needs to stop….i am NOT on trial here, *****…..i’m an adult, and i do NOT have to answer to you for anything i choose to do……i have been wanting to move for YEARS from this hell hole, not because of the deal with me calling your mom, but because i have never felt at home here,
because of the mean men at (the three auto repair shops)….but no, you are right, this business with you always being on my case about Rose, my autism, your perceived notion that i am “lacking” social skills, which, btw, i am not lacking in social skills,
what i lack skills in is coping with people like you who keep jumping down my throat all the fucking time, if i just sneeze wrong over here!!
No, i did NOT think you would get pissed at me for calling your mother…..or i would NOT of called her…….i would SO not of called her……you know what? Please don’t write me again……you think of me as a bad monster…..i tried…..i tried to talk to you tonight…..this IS upsetting me……stop it…….just stop it!!!!!! ”
Then she sent me this………
“You are blowing this out of proportion, see why I cannot stand emailing people , the words get taken out of context, I thought that you wanted to move because of me. I am sorry Missy for all this misunderstanding. But this is exactly what you said, re read your message, and I am not your enemy or putting you on trial, it is how your mind is perceiving it.
You said you knew I would be mad that you called my mom. Bottom line. I am sorry, it seems if I do not agree with you then you say I am mad or attacking you and that is not the case.
It is ok for people not to agree on everything. I am trying to explain not attack. I have been nothing but your friend and am your friend no matter what. I am sorry the base of the music was bothering you this morning I heard you and was going to come talk to you but you slammed your door.
this is exactly what you said on 5/23 at 10:47
I am sorry that i answered the phone like i had an attitude…i knew you were going to scold me, so i had my defense up, that’s why i amswered the way i did, like”Yeah?”, because i knew i was in for a scolding….i have had a very bad day, so i am worn out emotionally..and the reason i didn;t answer your second call was that i was on the phone talking to your mom so i could calm down, because if i call my mom, it wakes my sister up. (I did call my mom anyway, because i want to get on a bus and run away when ppl get mad at me) I just hate to have people mad at me. I know you are going to take care of the trash now, so i won’t have to bother you anymore about that. I love you *****, like you are family……please know that i **am** doing the best of my ability to make things as smooth as possible…..i want us to remain friends, okay? Please. I am sorry about tonight. ((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) “
We did resolve this one…..but here was the next one that happened in Sept. of 2013…..over the bright backyard light that she knew upset me too……
I wrote her…….
“Please don’t yell at me, be mad, and jump down my throat….i decided it is best we aren’t friends on FB after all because i sense there is still lots of friction between us….here is what i wrote you in a message on FB before i blocked you….again, please don’t give me hell over this…. but you know that that light really bothers me…….and i am upset because you did know this before moving in…..
Please don’t get mad at me again, but i looked out my back window, and the bright backyard light is on that used to upset me……date: 9/29/13
Also, i think it’s best if i just defriend again….at least until i am gone or you guys find a new house….
Just please do your best to leave the backyard light off, i had really wanted to go sit in my backyard last night and could not because of that bright light. 😦 ”
She had promised my mom, again, that they would put in a light bulb in the backyard light that was not as bright as it was when Little J lived there and always had the bright one on—–but i looked out, and the bright light was back, hence why i wrote the above emails…..
Her response again was to jump right down my throat……
“please stop this, this is ridiculous, I needed that that light on tonight I been here 6 months, I’ve never Ieft it on all night to ever annoy you, you can’t treat people like this Missy.
I left at light on, & I really don’t need to explain to you why, I don’t complain when your caregiver friends honk the horn instead of getting out of the car and coming to the door.
I left at light on because the dog was going to be out in the backyard,and there’s raccoons in the backyard to come to get the avocados off the tree,don’t you go jump down my throat Missy. Why is it okay for you to do this to me?
I am NOT getting into it with you anymore Missy please I’ll leave you alone which I do! And you leave me alone thank you. you seem like you’re not happy unless you’re causing havoc or drama with somebody, I don’t want to be involved that’s why I didn’t want to be your Facebook friend I don’t want that negative drama.”
My response? Yes, i blew up. She had triggered me again……
“You are nothing but a mean devil, *****…..you, as usual have NO CLUE about me, nor my Autism, and you have absolutely no respect at all for me or my feelings or me as the human being i am…..
it was MY choice to block you again because you are hateful and you lie all the time about ME…
you have been on my case bad mouthing ME ever since the whole Rose crap happened….
as for my caregivers friends honking,
only one person honked, only that one night, i had no control over that that night….
you know, you call yourself a Christian till you are blue in the face, yet you cannot even be civil with me…all you can do is get on your computer and lam into me with your high and mighty judgements and condemnations of me, and place me in the trial seat, over and over and over again you do it,
and i am fed up to here with it….
well, i also read your nasty email to my mom and my mom thought it was mean too…..i can hardly WAIT to see you and (your hubby) out of here because it is not pleasant at all having neighbors next door to me, who i KNOW harbor such a visceral contempt of me, and me having to hear your kids, and have them running into my yard too, and i have to just shut up and be like we are strangers….well, you know what? I really used to love you…and i still love your mom….but you have turned out to be just as awful as Rose and Mizz Executive Assistant!!
I NEVER jumped down your throat tonight, i only brought up that the light was upsetting me, and i know how you are, so i tried my best to be nice in the email, yet it still set you off….i read my mom my email i sent to you too….it is the other way around….you and (Hubby) can do things and i just have to sit over here and shut my mouth, because if i try to say something, you get pissed just like this at me…is that fair to me…but oh, i forgot, you don’t care about MY feelings…….God, i really want to vomit!! You make me so sick!! I never want to talk to you ever again…
so do not call me or email me ever again, and i want you to also return to me my house key and my PO box key…..let GOD deal with you on THIS one…..ball is in YOUR COURT!!!! “
“AND BTW, MY NAME IS MELISSA…..NOT MISSY!!!!!!!!!!!!”
And then i tried again to make peace with her……
I apologize from the bottom of my very heart and spirit for my last email to you. I’m sorry i called you a devil.
I was upset and wrote that email out of hurt.
And i was hurt.
By the way you assumed that i was jumping down your throat….and the way you told me to leave you alone.
I am so sorry that we keep getting into these fights. Please know that i am NOT here to cause drama or to hurt you…..or anyone.
I am not the type of person who is only happy when i am causing havoc and drama with others. You are so wrong to say these kinds of things about me!!!
Please, don’t come down so hard on me anymore…i try my very best to be nice to you, to be a nice neighbor to you…..and the night you say you came over with donuts for me, i did NOT snap at you and slam the door on you like you told your mom i did!!
Why does this keep happening with us???? I only attempted to try to understand why the backyard light was suddenly on the other night…..i guess i didn’t word the email right, because it upset you….as God is my witness,
i did not mean to sound like i was jumping down your throat.
I just don’t always have the right words..i don’t always have the right people skills…..
but i am not a monster, and i am not a mean person.
And i do not enjoy these fights.
Please stop assuming the worst and jumping to conclusions about me, because this is crushing me, this is killing me.
I am over here all by myself, alone, and it really hurts that you don’t come over or call me to see if i am okay….i am sorry if you thought i was rude to you that time you came over with the donuts…
i am sorry you feel like i don’t appreciate all the kind and good things you have done for me….
when i DO VERY MUCH appreciate EVERY KIND THING you have done for me….God, i am NOT your enemy, *****!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE stop doing this to me..PLEASE stop assuming the worst about me……
PLEASE stop assuming things that aren’t true!!!!
I will ALWAYS be nice to you when you come over..if i am sleeping or don’t feel well, forgive me if i am grumpy at those times,
please, because you know that i am not in good health, and i do happen to have a great deal of trouble sleeping alot of the time. I hope you show this to your husband too, please….
And now we are fighting again because i lashed out at her in anger, and when i tried to apologize, she wrote me this…….
“*****, please forgive me for my last rant. You didn’t deserve that. I was angry at life, angry at myself and feeling really shitty when i wrote that last thing to you above……i am so sorry, and really apologize!!!!!!Can i have one more chance as your friend? I won’t ever do what i did above again. I realize i hurt you……and your mom…..and i am so very, very sorry. Love always, and i do mean that. Melissa
Does thumbs up mean you forgive me and we can try being fb friends again?”
“I just saw this, sorry my daughter did a thumbs up, she had my phone more than me. I’m upset you brought my money into this, called her on her birthday. I just want you to know I’m not responsible for you’re happiness.”
“You know, i did really mean that apology, *****. It is cruel, unChristian, to be so hateful and unforgiving . Whose birthday? What money? What the fuck did i do now??????????????”
Needless to say, our friendship is over, because i am tired of the ableism and the gaslighting.