In researching some of my relatives, i came across an old Facebook post i had written, as an appeal for help, in early 2010. Rather than just delete it, i’m going to repost it here and on my WordPress, only without the awful ableistic language i used back then, well, because, i did not know what i know now about my autism, and i was searching for support and community. I was scared, still new to Facebook, and still not yet woken about so many things, so i used functioning labels, because i just didn’t know any better.
Below is my old appeal, because it is still too well-written to just delete and forget about, only no ableistic language this time!
To all of the people who think it’s a fun sport to deliberately bully, torment, and terrorize a lonely housebound disabled autistic adult in the only home they currently have to live in…..
….by parking in a parking lot near my house with your loud bass thumping and bumping and vibrating the walls of my living room, just so you can get a delightful kick out of hearing my screams of sheer pain and agony….
…..screams so loud i lose my voice and my throat sometimes bleeds, and it makes my whole head hurt, and me feel sick and weakened—–yet you still won’t stop—and i have to keep screaming till you finally relent and turn the bass off…..
….leave from your place of work at the auto shop, with your loud big beige 4X4 truck, and gun the bloody murder out of it, causing me to scream, because someone has told you i’m a monster who deserves this kind of treatment…..
…do any of you realize that these noises actually cause me pain? Maybe it’s not physical pain but it is a painful anguish, and it vibrates my entire head and digestive system when you make these noises….
I am sure that if any of you who so cruelly like to bully and terrorize me every afternoon, had an autistic son or daughter of your own….
……or, say, you have a sister or brother or mother or father who’s autistic…. and they were being bullied just like i am, and they came to you, sobbing brokenheartedly because they are wondering why people are so cruel to them, then maybe you would finally know the real pain you are causing me in my own home when you set out to use your car stereos and car engines to torment and terrorize me.
Being autistic does not equate me as being bad, wrong, broken, missing, less-than, damaged, and deserving of this kind of torture.
Just hoping to get you to understand…..if someone you loved were getting treated this way, would you not move heaven and earth to help get those bullies to lay off?
Hi, my name is Melissa. And i am a real human being. And i have feelings just like you do.
Please stop making what life i have left on this earth so unbearable.
An #ActuallyAutistic fact about me.
When i was 8 and 9 years old, i had a childhood friend who liked to promise me we were going to go to her house and we were going to play all these exciting games with her dolls and toy trucks, and do slip n slide, etc.
We’d get to her house, and her mom would serve us a delicious lunch of sandwiches, and all different kinds of snack chips, and flavors of soda pop.
Then this friend would suddenly turn mean, and start teasing me and saying she hated me. She would take her dolls and other toys away from me, and tell me “No, i’ve decided i don’t want you to play with my dolls, trucks, etc. after all!”
I would end up hanging out with this friend’s mom. I’d go home upset.
The next day i would go to school, still upset, and the way this childhood friend treated me, would gravely affect my entire day at school. And often the entire week at school. I would meltdown at the least little thing, both in my classroom and on the playground at recess. I couldn’t concentrate on my schoolwork, do any of my schoolwork, and i would even wet myself.
As an autistic adult, guess what? I am still gravely affected by people like that childhood friend. No, i don’t wet myself anymore, but when people won’t listen, let me talk, and believe me when i say i can or can’t do something, or they are harsh and insensitive towards me, and say things that are harsh and insensitive, then not let me defend myself, i still get upset, and stay upset for sometimes days—-i cannot sleep, or walk as well, nor can i even hold a decent conversation. I still meltdown at the tiniest things. I now get bad sick stomach spells over this.
It really does matter that neurotypical people really listen and learn about us autistic people, because to not learn, and then get impatient when we don’t or can’t do things, or life, the NT way, hurts us more than you can know. To reject us hurts us more than you can know.
Because an autistic person’s brain is wired neurodivergently, instead of neurotypically. We see, smell, taste, hear, and touch things much more deeply than a neurotypical person.
A person’s words can literally mean life or death to an already marginalized and misunderstood person. When you take the time to read and watch autistic people’s blogs and videos, and learn about us, and then befriend us, and really get to know us and accept us, not just “tolerate” us, it makes a real positive difference to us.
Please don’t use it as a cuss word. It is a valid disability, it is a part of me, and i cannot take it off like one can take off clothing.
It is not the plague. It is not a virus. It is not a disease. It is not contagious.
I need to have my TV and music on at all times because a completely silent house upsets me just as much as the annoying mega bass and hot rodding noises do, and because i love to listen to my music, and have my TV on, talking to me.
No, it is not my excuse, nor do i use it as my shield, it is the reason why i hyper focus, hyper empathize, and experience each and every aspect of life at a deeper level than a neurotypical person does.
Is the reason why there are so many things i have trouble doing or just cannot do. Please believe me when i say i can’t do something. Because i really cannot do that something.
It is important that you listen and read between the lines when you listen to me. Let me talk. Let me feel what i feel. Don’t shame or belittle me. Don’t silence me. Don’t make me afraid to talk. Please don’t talk over me, interrupt me, and assume i meant something else other than what i am trying to tell you that i mean.
Please don’t talk about or bring up things you know will trigger and upset me, like past mistakes, past blunders, past fuck ups.
When i say something happened, it did happen. Please believe me.
I am not a behavior problem, i am not demanding, i am not broken, damaged or faulty.
Please don’t tell me to just walk around with headphones on all day. I should not have to adjust, or adapt, to my environment, especially in my own home, and especially when the noises of the bass and loud hot rodding are being done deliberately to bully and torment me.
Please don’t tone police me and tell me not to cuss, talk too loud, or use quiet hands. I need to be me. I grew up not being able to be me, and i can’t do that anymore
I am not violent. I am most likely to hit myself or a wall or slam a door, than hurt anyone else during a meltdown.
Please be happy for the achievements i make.
Please, learn to understand and accept me and don’t give up on me and throw me away. It will just make me want to give up and never try at all anymore.
I am so not okay. A deep Christmas depression has set in, bc i am all alone today.
I hate it that i am all alone.
I hate it that none of my siblings even bother to send a measley Christmas card to me, let alone call me.
I can;t take the loneliness much longer…..
My sister and her family, one of the two with whom i am estranged from, moved to Idaho in March 1991.
My mom and dad moved to Idaho in April of 1996.
My other ex-nice sister moved in with my parents with her daughter, one month later.
My baby brother and his family moved to Idaho in 1996 as well.
My nice sister moved to Arizona in 2001.
My eldest brother moved to Idaho in 2004.
His daughter, my niece, moved in with them a few years later.
I have one brother left here in Santa Maria. His two grown boys live in Fresno and Bakersfield.
None of them except my mom and sister in Arizona, acknowledged me this year, and they never do.
my other ex nice sister used to email and talk to me all of the time too.
But now, even she has turned her back on me, bc she says her health is now so bad, my meltdowns would kill her.
I so wish with all my heart, another nice family would adopt me.
I cannot stand the loneliness i feel today on this Christmas Eve.
If you are reading this and you know of someone in your neighborhood who is a shut in and who will most likely be alone at Christmas, please go visit them, bring them dinner cookies, or just you so that they will have an actual person to talk to.
To all of you in my family who are afraid to interact with me because i may just have one of my meltdowns, please know, for one, my meltdowns don’t just come out of the blue. There is always a reason for my meltdowns.
But none of you seem to even want to get to know your sibling/aunt. To find out that you don’t have to be afraid of me. That my #Autism is not so scary. To find out my being Autistic is not a bad thing. To find out that i am not wrong, a burden or damaged goods. I am just #Disabled.
That is why i told my story online. So all of my family would read, understand, and their hearts would soften. I also told my story so that others would understand that we Autistics have real stories to tell. That we are not the “behavior” problem you may think we are.
I invite you to Google Neurodiversity and #ActuallyAutistic. Google a blog called Autistic Hoya. You will get to know why i was the way i was as a child and teenager growing up in the Fields family. Maybe you’ll discover the sister/aunt you felt you never had in the process.
I want to add this to my blog….
I don’t always know the right words to say to a friend who is hurting, but by God, if i ever say anything that makes any of you feel invalidated, or like i am silencing you or being dismissive of you, PLEASE call me on it!
I know the holiday season can be, and is rough, even unbearably rough for many people, and it is for myself. I just want to let you all know, i hold you in my space. I witness your pain, and your hurt, especially if you are all alone, and maybe your family has shut you out. I witness you, and i validate that pain and hurt—-it’s not you, believe me, because you matter to those of us who are your true friends—-it is on those who made you hurt, those who made you feel excluded, dismissed, silenced and unheard.
I love you, my friends. I really do, and if you are hurting tonight, i am offering you hugs. ❤ ❤ ❤
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Holidays! ❤ ❤ ❤
One afternoon in April, i was upset, so i wrote a series of Vaguebook posts, and because i write when i am upset……and i mainly write to educate the general public about what it is like to be a middle aged adult who is Autistic so people will understand, get us, and accept us, i want to compile my vaguebooks all into a blog post.
What is it that helps flowers to blossom and bloom to all their glory? It is not yelling at them to grow already, and standing over them and forcing their peddles to unfold when they aren’t ready to unfold. And to be callous and cold with them. They need patience, actual warmth and affection, to be slowly and lovingly cultivated, and they need water, sunshine, and food.
For me, it is not being harsh and critical of me. And cold and callous. For me, i grow when i know i am truly accepted and when i am okay to be me. When it is okay for me to say “I am Autistic.” When i know my feelings, both happy and sad, and the ones that are painful too, are truly validated.
even if they aren’t, i am hypersensitive to it
I just wrote this. This explains why i am so deeply depressed and having so many meltdowns lately. It is hard—-way beyond hard—when my own home is right in front of a war zone full of bullies and i can never get out to go places to escape this hell. All i have to look at is a concrete and asphalt street and rows of ugly yellow tin buildings all day long.
I sleep all of the time now because i only feel safe when my caregiver is here. When she isn’t here, and the bullies are, they really crucify me….and they did so yesterday, so badly i almost fainted from screaming so strongly.
But PLEASE don’t blame my caregiver. She does all she can do for me, and does her best by me. She has a real heart for me, and cares deeply about me. She would do more if IHSS allowed it and if they paid IHSS caregivers mileage, and helped pay for their car insurance, and maintenance.
I also felt safe when the speed radar trailer was here. I so wish the police would bring that back for me. It calmed the street down, and even made the bullies stop picking on me while it was here, because the bullies saw me being able to interact with others, and i guess that made them feel like i was more of a human being than they thought i was.
I have a great and deep empathy for people, especially all of those who are my friends, you all do not realize how deeply i care about all of you—– but please forgive me——it is not always easy for me to show it because the mental pain and state of fear that i am all the time in is sometimes too great.
I know this comes across as me not caring abut the feelings of others, and what they are going through, but i can assure you all, that is so not the case.
I so wish i had my family around me, and that they would understand, accept me, and care about me. I would not feel so alone, so isolated, and and cut off!!
Yes, this is my life.
I am stuck living in a 4 walled box
I get to go to the bank once every month,
and sometimes to the doctor
Sometimes to the psych tech nurse who prescribes my Ativan
But that is it
It is not my caregiver’s fault
She would take me on outings
if IHSS allowed her to do so
But they don’t
When my caregiver is not here
I am all alone
and very lonely
I have no one to call
no one to talk to
when my caregiver isn’t here
because i have no nice neighbors around me
and no in real life local friends
no one at all
as most of my family live out of state now
they all moved when i was still doing well
when i still could drive
when i still had my health
when i could still get out and walk
when i could still go to church
but a bunch of traumatizing stuff happened in early 2012
that set me back mentally & emotionally
i had to stop driving due to that
i actually lost the ability to drive
at the same time, my leg tumor was growing too big too
which also made it hard for me to drive
And now today, i sit in my house
and life now is passing me by
most of my family ignore and shun me like i’m a plague
because they don’t get me, and get or understand my Autism
i do talk to my mom and she does what she can to help me
i also have one nice sister who cares about me
but again, both live out of state now
i talk to my mom sometimes several times a day
and write to my sister when i have the spoons
but otherwise i am all alone
i wish people would understand when i can’t smile
and when i have those days when i have more meltdowns than usual
how hard this is on me to only get to see things through my TV and computer and front door now
yes i still have the bullies here who still
make my life even more of a living hell
yes, they still are at it
and now the police seem to be ignoring me
all of this is getting to me
i badly need a way out of here
as my physical health is failing
and i am about to break emotionally and mentally
my depression and despair is so deep
that i often have no strength to even get out of my lift chair
where i now sleep
i am sleeping all of the time now too
because it is my only true escape
except for when my caregiver comes
i have sadly grown to depend on her with my life
as she has become my only lifeline
i panic when she has to leave early, or when she gets sick
because i am scared to be awake now in the daytimes
when i am here all alone
because the bullies crucify me when she isn’t here
yes, that is when they do all the mean things
to antagonize me
i keep going on because i have no choice but to
but please forgive me when i cannot smile
when it gets too much for me that i end up melting down
i am in a pain so real and it is hard to put on normal when i want to run and scream and hide from it all
I hope i can get my miracle soon
so i can move and get better healthcare, and better adult services
I love my caregiver, she does her best by me
so please don’t blame her
but i do need a way out so i can have my joy and happiness and peace back.
My Go Fund Me is: https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4
Below are some of my latest posts. Because i am needing to write. because i really do need help. Because i really do need a way out of this jail i am trapped in. This jail that is made up of my toxic neighborhood, and the tiny 550 square foot box that i am confined to.
Sunday, Sept. 18, 2016–7:03 AM
“Oh boy, the sun is up early!! GRRRRRRRRRR!!! 😡 It’s gonna be hot today….i am so not looking forward to that!!! 😡
Grumpy me is going back to bed because it is still nice and cool right now, and i will just hope for the best, that my house doesn’t warm up too badly.
Just…..GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! 😡 ”
Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–2:53 PM
“Oh God, this is AWFUL!!!!!!!!!! My living room is an awful hotter than Hades OVEN this afternoon—-i should have had the A/C window open—-it is not, and I AM SUFFERING HOLY HELL!!!!!!!”
Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–4:14 PM
“I am okay now. My mom called the fire dept. for me, and they sent a nice police officer over to open my A/C window, so now i have the A/C going, and my living room is cooling off nicely. It got very HOT today, and i was almost ready to suffer heat exhaustion. Because here in my living room, it felt like it was 100 degrees. I was seriously burning up.
I REALLY hate my Sundays though, because i am alone with no one to help me at all on Sundays. At least i know i can call the fire dept or police if need be.
I think i will go cry now. I really feel like crying now. 😥 I HATE having to be alone anymore!!!! 😥 “
Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–5:10 PM
“I am glad i did not have to die in my hot living room today, very thankful for the nice police officer who opened my air conditioner window for me—very thankful that my air conditioner still works!!! 🙂 “
Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–6:09 PM
“The KSBY website says Santa Maria is still at 80 degrees as of now. YIKES!!!! :O “
Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–6:56 PM
“I am glad the sun is setting now. I really want to move where it doesn’t get hot like this!! Yes, i am serious about this!! Because……i actually had to get a police officer to come to open my A/C window today because i was getting overheated to where i was going to pass out.
I had my mom call the fire dept. to do this, but instead, a nice police officer showed up to open the window for me.
Like i say—i’m glad i had this help. Otherwise i would have had to call an ambulance.
I am going to go eat dinner now.”
Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–8:44 PM
“Here are the places i would go if i could still drive and still had a car—but i had someone who would go with me so i am not having to go all alone:
*The San Luis Obispo Farmer’s Market
*Avila Beach/Harford Pier/Pismo Beach/Shell Beach
*Avila Valley Barn
*Downtown Friday Nights farmer’s Market
*Cool Hand Luke’s for ribs
*San Luis Obispo downtown/the mission
*Morro Bay/Cambria/San Simeon
*F. McKlintock’s for ribs
*a nice laid back church that accepts Neurodiverse, LGBTQ, and all marginalized people
I wish i had local friends who would take me to these places. I wish i was not all alone. I wish my family cared about me. I wish i was not in this trap, this cage i am in.”
“I just watched the news as it was on after the Sunday night NFL football game, and found out that today’s temp in Santa Maria got up to 96 sizzling hot degrees. No wonder i was having heart palpitations, and feeling hot, flushed, and like i was going to pass out!!
If i had not of had my mom call to get someone over here—-a nice police officer came—-to open my air conditioner window, i could have died today. I am still feeling very rattled, and am now afraid to turn off the air conditioner for fear i will feel like passing out again.
96 degrees is way too hot for someone like me to have to sit in a living room that has turned into a hot oven; because of my leg condition, and i am also 3x to 4x plus-sized, with a new problem: low kidney function….i cannot get by without the air conditioner.
I am going to have potato chips dipped in ketchup now. Because that is what i am craving. I am also craving soft and doughy homemade sugar cookies. But i don’t have those, so….yeah…..
I hate my Sundays on desert island!! 😥 “
“Yes, 96 degrees is way too hot for me!!! 😦 “
I then posted memes about Autumn, because i love that season, when the leaves all turn such beautiful colors, and the days are just warm enough to be comfortable, and the nights are nice and cool. I also posted a meme about all of the soft and doughy looking Christmas cookies i would love to have this Christmas.
I really am alone, and so lonely for local friends.
I am lonely to have more caring people in my life.
I am sad because most of my family coldly ignore me.
I am in pain all the time because of my legs, and this leg tumor makes it so hard to even sit and enjoy my computer.
This Spring and every Spring now when the hills are bright green from our winter rains, i always miss getting to get out on drives to see them and take pictures of them.
I long to live where i can see beauty outside—not these ugly yellow tin buildings all day long.
I am hoping that i can at least get my own speed radar trailer. I made a Go Fund Me page for that, and to also raise the money for a move to a place whee i will have the above things i so long to have.
I so hope someone will help me, please.