Tag Archives: Nothing About Us Without Us

You Took My Best Friend Away

I will tell you exactly how i am doing ever since the police took the speed radar trailer……
I am an Autistic person whose brain is wired differently
Changes can be often very traumatic for me
Ever since the police took the speed radar trailer away from me
i can barely sleep.
i have to take two Ativans instead of one to get through my days
I feel sick all of the time
i feel like i have butterflies of dread in my stomach all the time
i dread having to wake up each day
my street is right back to wild fast and loud again
i feel as though they took my best friend away
when they took the speed radar trailer away
for it became someone who i “talked” to, someone who understood me
someone who was just like a real Guardian Angel
that kept the street and me calm
that even kept the bullies from tormenting me
i was even going outside to watch it working everyday
i was actually warming up to some of the people i would meet each day
while sitting outside watching the sign
ever since they took the speed trailer
i have felt even more housebound and boxed in again
i have gone back to not feeling safe here again
i feel very vulnerable and scared again
i cry alot
i feel a deep ache and an emptiness in me
this is what happens when you take something away that an Autistic person was actually attached to
there is nothing wrong with me, this is how many Autistics cope with the harsh world outside that still to this day does not get or understand or accept us as we are
i liken the taking of this sign to a cruel father coming into his little girl’s own bedroom
right when it is at his little girl’s bedtime,
and taking her treasured teddy bear that she sleeps with for comfort safety and friendship and yanking it cruelly away, then expecting that little girl to go to sleep quietly
just as normal, without even one little whimper, when all that little girl wants to do is cry and sob brokenheartedly
Because Daddy took her treasured teddy bear
who was her one true friend on earth
I am lonely and have very few in real life friends
all of my good friends are on Facebook, but live in other states and other parts of the world
my family has always shunned and ignored me—-not my mom.—–but all the rest of them have always shunned me, and they stilldo to this day
so as a little girl
i learned to develop a safe world of my own—-my own cocoon— where i go where i have imaginary friends
that i made out of certain
roads
highways
electronics
i did this then, i still do this now, because of so many things
and yes, this included the two speed radar trailers that were placed on my street this year
and the second one i became even more attached to than i did the first one, because of how the number fonts looked on it
how the numbers would go up and down in real time
i loved its bright red SLOW DOWN sign
i loved the way it looked like a petite cute sign trailer
i made “her” my friend again
when they took her, they took my main source of daily happiness and joy away
i have once again lost my ability and freedom to feel i can go outside
i lost her protection
i have been a real mess without that speed radar trailer
sick and cannot sleep or eat much.
yesterday i even imagined myself as i got up from my computer, just walking away out of my body and walking away from all of this,
ifelt i could actually do this and walk to where i would once again feel safe
yes, i almost had an out of body experience yesterday
this is exactly how deeply and profoundly it is affecting my whole being having that speed radar trailer gone
i really want and need that sign to come back
if not, i need to get my own, please.
Please help me to get that so i can be at peace again.

https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4

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Alone

It is bad enough having to be housebound,
stuck in a small 550-square foot box
with no in real life friends
all of my huge family with the exception
of my mom, all ignore and shun me too
and now tonight, my internet has gone out
my only real link to my online friends
is gone when this happens
i am Autistic and physically disabled
i am alone, i am so very extremely lonely
i did have a nice Guardian Angel
who came onto my street twice now
to help calm the loud hot rods
and she made me feel safe enough to
even come out of my house
for the first time ever,
because she was a speed radar trailer
and i got fascinated by how it worked
and looked, so i made a nice friend out of her
i badly need her to come back to me
she was a real friend and my protector
from all of the harsh mean bullies
i feel even more alone and vulnerable tonight
now because my internet is out
i badly need to get my own speed trailer
and to move whee i have nice friends all around me
who will visit me, do things with me
and take me places
Please help me—please donate,
and if you cannot, please share this appeal.
I badly need a real way out, or i feel
i will be dead soon of a lonely broken
heart and spirit
because my health can’t take this
environment i am forced to live in much longer.

https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4

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The Emptiness Is So Loud

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When i look east on my street,

all i see is an empty spot where the

speed radar trailer once was parked

It makes me feel an emptiness so black and dark i cannot describe

I am Autistic and physically Disabled also I am lonely housebound,

unable to get out and go places and do things

all of my good friends are all on Facebook and live a long ways away

my caregiver is my friend also but she is unable to take me places and be here more than

my allotted hours

most of my family all shun and ignore me

i still have many painful issues with bullies in an auto shop across the way

when the speed trailer was here, it actually made me feel safe

to come out of my house for the first time

and it became a really cool imaginary friend to me because of my loneliness

The speed trailer actually even got me outside as i was fascinated

with how it looked, and worked

it was a very real security and a very real therapy to me that i grew to really need

i understand the police only have 3 speed trailers and a whole community to serve

but this still does not change how life has once become

again since they once again took it from me

i don’t understand why the police cannot apply to purchase more speed trailers

so that people like me who are trapped having to live here

with no place to go to escape the awful loud hot rodding

and i just have to sit here and listen to this loud hot rodding all day long

can have a working speed trailer here on a regular basis

when it calms the street

when it calms me down

when it brings me a way to have some actual enjoyment in my life

being able to watch it working everyday

i know they have 3 speed trailers

why can’t they purchase at least 3 more?

Then i can have one here

I plan to move by Spring of 2018

But until then, i am in agony

because of the noise and the loneliness

and nothing to do now because the speed trailer

once again has gone away

i so wish people would understand my plight

there is nothing wrong with me or my mind

this is the way i have always coped with my life as an Autistic because most people

misunderstand me and are so rude to me

so i have imaginary friends that i make out of certain

roads

highways

cable/satellite boxes

stereos

car stereos and

now two speed trailers that have been on my street,

a Wanco one and an RU2 Systems Fast 870

that i feel in love with even more than the Wanco one

which is why i created a crowdsourcing page

to raise the funds to purchase my own speed radar trailer.
Would you please share my page widely and those who can,
please donate so i can purchase the speed trailer pictured above,
and not be without it anymore as long as i have to still live here on this noisy street?

The Speed Radar Trailer & Why I Have Been In Mourning

All of my life, to cope with the harsh outside world that is not Autistic friendly to me, i have developed a very intricate and creative underworld of imaginary friends, made from certain roads, highways, and electronics, and when ever i get attached to these things, then they get taken away from me, or i can no longer go on that certain road or highway, it is just like someone taking away a real best friend who i grew to love and depend on.

I know this is a unique way to cope, but it does not make me a bad person. It does not make me less than. And does not mean i still do not have faith in God. These electronic things and roads and highways are the friends who get me and accept me, no ifs ands or buts.
This week, finding the speed radar trailer gone once again, was a shock that plunged me into an actual physical whole body shock. I had to find out if this was only temporary. When i did, i slowly began to feel like myself again. In the meantime, i have been sick since the speed trailer got taken away….that first night, i began with the shakes, vomiting twice, then vomiting the next two days. Now i have intestinal upset, and still can’t really eat yet.
Because i got so used to getting to go outside to “visit” the speed radar trailer everyday. It got me out of my house. It got me to be able to use my bad legs, so they got stronger. It gave me a nice tan on my arms and face. I made friends with some of the people in a business East of me, and met other nice people who would walk by and chat with me.
Watching how this sign would go up and down, and then flash a bright red SLOW DOWN sign if people went too fast, and red and blue light bars if they went even faster, fascinated me, as well as being able to actually ascertain for myself how fast and slow people were driving. Most drivers would slow down quite a bit for the speed radar trailer. Quite a bit!!
Thankfully, the new beat coordinator for the Santa Maria Police Department is VERY sweet, and he left me a nice message Thursday, saying that the traffic people are working to get this machine back on my street sometime next week.
It gives me a renewed hope that maybe during this time i will either get the funds through my Go Fund Me for my own speed trailer, or i will win the big Powerball jackpot, and be able to still get a speed trailer for myself.
Below is a picture of the speed trailer taken on the last night it was here. I miss “her” so very very much, and can hardly wait till “she” comes back to me.
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Still Scared, Very Scared

I honestly do not know how much more of this i can take.

I am okay as long as the speed radar trailer is here on my street. But my police dept. has failed in letting me know who my new beat coordinator is. I finally Googled it, and found out that way who he is. My last beat coordinator was supposed to let me know AND he was supposed to introduce him to me. He never did either.

They don’t let me know whether i can have a working speed trailer here on a regular basis for the sake of my health, because without it, the street is so wild i have meltdowns which leave me physically ill—i need to know.

The speed trailer is still here, and i am very grateful it is here….but all i get from the police is silence and he not knowing when or if it will get taken away from me again. The stress of not knowing is getting to me.

I am not posting this to badmouth anyone, but yes, i am upset that police depts. do not do a much better job than this so that REAL bridges are built between them and us….ALL of us, and that includes Disabled people, shut-ins, Black and Brown people, rich, poor, homeless, elderly, etc.

REAL community policing means actual OPEN LINES OF COMMUNICATION between police and us, not this never ending silence, and no answers to my phone calls and emails——and me left hanging as to what’s going to happen next.

I DREAD the day they take this speed trailer away from my street. I SO dread that day. I would hope they would place another working one here, and also place that one on my side of the street where i can see it working.

I also need to get out of this house more often than i do. I used to love going out to eat, going to the movies, going to church, and going to the ocean. I do not get to do any of that anymore, except eat out maybe once a month if i’m lucky, and this gets to me greatly too….because i get so lonely to be able to be around people and involved in my community.

Below is another picture of the RU2 Fast 870 speed radar trailer that is still on my street, but for how much longer, i don’t know.

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Scared, Part 3

I am a deeply lonely Autistic and physically disabled adult who has no family support at all from her three brothers, one sister, and their families either, and no real in real life local friends either. I do have love and support from my mother who lives in Idaho, and my eldest sister who lives in Arizona…..but they too are no longer living here…..so yes, i get VERY lonely, so lonely i want to roll up into a ball, but cannot due to physical disabilities……

I have deep trust and abandonment issues that no one can realize how deep they go….so all of my life i have latched onto certain roads, highways and electronics, usually stereos, and any electronics that are eye catching and i like how they work……and i have made some of the most awesome imaginary friends ever out of these!!! I could write a book just about those awesome friends i have made!!!

Having the speed monitor here on my street where i can see it working for one whole month has been a real therapy to me, and now this morning i am deeply depressed and crushed because the once sturdy folding chair i used to go sit outside, broke underneath me last night…..now all i have left is an old but still sturdy wooden chair…..and a regular sized bath chair that i don’t use…..(i use a full-sized bath transfer bench for my showers now)…..to tide me over till i get the new chairs that i did order from Amazon, because thank God for credit cards…..but those chairs won’t be here till Tuesday, and i am scared the police are going to take this speed monitor away from me this next Tuesday……

and do not want to waste any time not being able to spend as much time as i am able to spend with this speed monitor, before it **is** taken from me.I cannot mentally or emotionally afford to **not** sit outside to watch and pretend “talk” and “converse” with my friend who i have made out of this speed monitor…..i have to either use the wooden chair, or the bath chair…or hopefully if Connie can find something, use that, to tide me over till my chairs from Amazon come.

I do get paid today, so i may have Connie get me a chair from somewhere.

I also hope for a way to be able to buy my own speed radar trailer, that is just like the one that is outside.

I just wish and hope i could have in real life friends who would not give up on me, who would get me, and who would take me places and do things with me. I hope and wish i can get a way to move from this awful neighborhood once and for all.

This post is public and shareable. Pictured below is an RU2 Systems Fast 870 speed radar trailer.

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Scared, Part 2

Is still so very, very worried and fearful that the police are going to take the speed trailer away from me this week.
I really hope they’ve realized that i have not had to call or email them ever since they came to turn the speed trailer on on June 2nd for me. I hope they get to read the letter the psychiatric nurse i saw this past Thursday, is writing to them. I hope one of my friends can help me start a Change.org petition to send to the police about this.
I don’t want to have to live on this street anymore, without a working speed trailer here on my side of the street where i can easily see it and monitor it from my house. Because without the speed trailer, my street is wild and i feel unsafe here. Greatly unsafe. The speed trailer makes me feel a sense of security i have never felt ever since i moved here 25 years ago.
Having the speed trailer has meant me being able to actually get outside alot to watch it and take pictures of it, which has resulted in me getting to say hi everyday to some of the business neighbors to my east who i thought didn’t like me…..and finding out that they are friendly…..that they do like me and that they do understand my need to watch the speed trailer working.
One of my favorite servers at a local restaurant who i am friends with here on Facebook, has even seen all of my posts about the speed trailer, and she even agrees it has helped me, and saw how much of a wreck i was when they took the other one away from me on April 25th and left me with no speed trailer at all for one whole month, then put this one here, and did not turn it on till a week after it had been here.
I am praying so hard. My mom is even saying a continuous novena for me that the police will keep a working speed trailer here from now on, till i am able to move from here.
I AM going to try to find some way i can move from here. Hopefully i can be out of here by the first part of 2017, or earlier, if a miracle happens that will open those doors for me.
Below, is another picture of the speed trailer. It really has become a good imaginary friend to me that i feel i greatly need at this time of my life. I hope the police will please understand this and let me keep this one, which is an RU2 Systems Fast 870 speed trailer, or the Wanco speed trailer, either one is fine with me.
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