Tag Archives: Housebound

I Am Autistic, Not Spoiled


I am Autistic
I am not a behavior problem
I am not a faulty broken appliance
My Autism
is a neurological developmental disability
That i cannot just take on and off
like one takes on and off their jacket or clothing
I cannot help it that i am easily triggered by
Abrupt changes
Changes happening that happens
without my first being told about it
and prepared for it
Harsh impatient angry tones of voice
Harsh impatient angry looks on the faces of others
Certain foods
Certain songs
Certain smells and scents
Certain atmospheres
Certain textures
Certain lighting,
especially if it is intensely strobe-like
The dark
Being chided or made fun of
Being told i said or did this or that
when i know i didn’t say or do that thing
Being told things are a certain way
when i knew they were another way
I am ultra sensitive to being criticized,
talked down to, condescended to and yelled at
Please understand when i am having a meltdown
it is not a temper tantrum
the meltdown has happened because
something has triggered me and
caused me sensory pain and anguish
sensory pain and anguish that is very real to me
As if i was being actually physically hit
or stabbed or whipped
it is especially at that time that
i need to be treated gently
My Autism cannot be fixed or cured
or scolded and yelled away
Nor can i separate myself from my Autism
It IS a part of me
It is all of who i am
My Autism does define me
It defines all of who i am
God made me and all other Autistic people
Please understand that I am me,
i cannot be and act the normal
that the world wants me to be.
Please understand this.
I love you, everyone.
I love you all,
and i really hurt when i feel
people don’t love and care about me.
Please let me be me and
don’t hate me for being my Actually Autistic me.

Putting This Into A Blog, Because I Need Help!!

The following are my latest correspondences with the local police concerning my living environment and how my quality of life has suffered having to live trapped here in an unhealthy neighborhood full of noises that are like drill bits, and whips….noises that vibrate inside of my head, making me scream hysterically to make it stop…..please, make this stop….

I wrote these emails over the course of the past few days this week…..and putting them in this blog so that people can better understand and get what we as Autistics, go through when the system fails to give us the help we need…..and the help is inconsistent…..


Dear K and J,

I feel as if i am being ignored again…..the car club is here right now, and they keep turning on their loud thunder bass. It is bad, it is vibrating my whole house. 
I have a new speed radar trailer, but it is dead….it is not working at all. It is the RU2Systems one. My whole street is unbearably loud, with both the car club’s bass and loud hot rods. Please get this stopped. 
Please get me a beat coordinator who will work with me like J did…..please get me the Wanco speed trailer back. I need the car club to stop the loud bass party and i need my happy back. I am literally not doing well right now because of the out of control raceway and the car club. 
The Wanco speed trailers aren’t even up on Alvin and East Fesler now so i can go see them there anymore.
Sorry, i am just having a bad time of it right now. I am having meltdowns right now because the car club keeps turning on their bass, and the speed trailer is not working.
I badly need a miracle….to win the Powerball lottery so i can finally make a move out of here. I so wish i could move from this hell hole today. I so hate it here. It has ruined my health, and is killing me, because when i meltdown, my heart palpitates, and i can’t even eat, as i get sick to my stomach. My throat actually sometimes bleeds from all of the screaming i do when i am melting down.
Also, my mom tried to talk to a watch commander just now….time 5:50 PM,…and he was very rude to her. But she called L and L is getting someone over here.
Please forgive me for this rant. I am not crazy; i promise. I am just an Autistic and physically disabled adult who is housebound and has no way to get away from here like i used to, so hot roddig and bass gets to me triple bad.
And, as an Autistic, i get fixated and attracted to certain roads, highways, and electronic things. The Wanco speed trailers being included in that. Please understand. I fervently hope i will get one of the Wanco ones back soon. Please.
Thank you both, and God bless both of you,
Dear J and K,

This is the transcript of the blog i wrote this morning.
Am I Okay?

Is it silly for me to be so fascinated by a speed radar trailer that i have to take drives to see it at least three times a week, that i have to post picture after picture of it, and that i get so excited to sit in front of it and see how it displays each person’s speed in real time, and how it flashes when people go over the speed limit?

Or am i okay?

I have even made an imaginary friend out of this speed trailer and have been a state of real deep mourning ever since they came and took it off of my street on April 26th. It had been here on my street for a month, and it helped!!

I have actually been bombarding both the police commander and my beat officer with numerous emails begging them to put it back on my street, ever since they came and took it away.

Not only did it calm the traffic….and my meltdowns down, its presence was a real comfort to me.

It is my honest opinion that police departments need to be understanding towards Autistic people. My hugest dream is to see this world be a much more inclusive, friendly and accomodating place for us. That is my mission in life.

It is hard, if not impossible, for an Autistic person to adjust and adapt to an NT world that thinks in black and white and everyone being able to fit into neat little circles when some of us are square and triangular and diamond-shaped .

Because life has grey areas, i am sorry, but it does. And many of us who are neurodivergent are diamond, square, rectangular, triangular, hexagonal, and so on, shaped.

There is nothing wrong with that, or us.

I was created by God and put on this earth by Him/Her/Them as an Autistic for a reason, plus given the gift of writing, so i could educate and open people’s eyes, minds and hearts….that we who are Autistic, are not faulty broken appliances, or behavior problems to be solved, cured, and fixed….we are Disabled and unique human beings with a neurology that has to be considered, accepted, and embraced.

Because God makes no mistakes.


Hi K and J,

I want to clarify and explain few things about me, please. 
Firstly, i apologize for the way the above email was phrased…..i was in a full-on sensory overload/ meltdown mode when i wrote that, because the car club was right next door to me at the time, “seranading” me with their loud thunder bass. 
Secondly, i want to thank you both for getting me another speed trailer. I do appreciate that you got it here for me, and got the big one that didn’t work, removed. I was mainly so upset to see that this one is still currently not working either. Even so, i am still grateful it is here. Last night, my mother called Dispatch to report that it is not working, so i am confident that someone will come to activate it today. She also called about the bass at the car club. L has been very nice to her. 
If i am unable to get the Wanco, and have to have this speed trailer for awhile till i can get the Wanco one back, i am honestly okay with that, as long as i can go “visit” the Wancos where they’re at now; 
as long as someone comes and activates the trailer i have now so it will work to slow drivers down, 
and as long as i know i will get the Wanco one back again soon. 
I do not mean to come off as rude, demanding, or pesty, please know that. My circumstances are awfully unbearable, as i am now housebound due to my legs. I am unable to drive right now, or get out and even walk like i would love to be able to do because of my legs. I rely on what my caregiver is able to do for me, and i am greatly limited now, an Autistic adult, with deteriorating physical health, scared, lonely, alone, so yes, that is why i latch onto things like the Wanco trailer—–and why i made it my friend. 
Please imagine what it would be like being neurologically wired Autistic and being housebound, losing all of the freedoms and independence you once had, and being forced to listen, day in and day out, to the types of loud noises that are actual painful sensory issues to you….would you not probably try to retreat into a safe place in your head to cope, too? That is exactly what i did with the Wanco trailer. It became an instrument of comfort to me, my friend who i could “talk” to.

It does not mean i am crazy —-i have used this coping mechanism to get through a very hard life of 56 years of being misunderstood, rejected, thrown away, and abused a great deal by family, schoolkids, teachers, a series of very bad caregivers, abusive friendships that traumatized me, and even some of the police i have dealt with who have scared the living daylights out of me. The LV experiences still haunt me to this day, as does the awful encounter i had with NC, and awful phone calls with DP.
Because…most people don’t “get” Autistic people, even in 21st Century Now.
So, this is where i am at in life. I am playing the Powerball, because i need that miracle to happen, or i will unfortunately continue to have to stay here trapped having to live in a place that has become a hell hole. I am unable to sleep, and when i do, i have frequent nightmares. I didn’t have as many when J was working with me, and i had the Wanco trailer here.
I hope me explaining all of this helps you both to understand me better and why i became attached to the Wanco speed trailer.
Thank you for reading this, and for understanding. God bless both of you, K and J!!! 🙂

Hi K and J,

I just woke up for my day, and looked and saw that this speed radar trailer is still not working at all. It still will not light up for anyone going by. What is going on with this? Please answer me. I am scared i’m going to have another repeat of yesterday!! 😥 Melissa
Dear K and J,

My street right now is over the top unbearable……..with nothing but cars going at double the speed limit and the sound is an awful screaming sound i can’t stand to hear anymore. The speed radar trailer that is on my street right now is not working, not lighting up at all……please…..are you even reading my pleas for help anymore?????????????? I can’t bear this anymore, PLEASE, in the name of all that is holy and heavenly, PLEASE have mercy on me and get me a speed trailer that works properly, that lights up, that tells these reckless drivers to “SLOW DOWN”!!!!Please…..i am going crazy, i am in tears, and screaming right now…..please God in Heaven, make K and J hear my cries and get this (out of control) street calmed down……


i badly need day and night extra patrol, and a properly working speed monitor here, please!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😥 😥 😥 😥 😥

J and K,

The car club came back again tonight complete with the loud thunder bass yet again……dark beige Chevy or GMC suburban with tinted windows just went in and out, with their bass wide open UP……vibrating my entire house…….please……i need a new beat coordinator who will work with me……i need the Wanco speed trailer again……please, i beg of you both!!!!!! I am in sheer agony again!!!!!! I want to run away!!!!! I SO want to just run AWAY!!!!!!!


Having meltdowns now, so i can’t type well…..i meant to say another beat coordinator who will work with me and be as kind, compassionate and understanding of my plight as J has been with me. Scared i am going to hear even more bass. This is utter hell that i cannot escape….. 😥


Dear K and J,

I am writing this in the spirit of me just trying to get back to how safe and calm i was beginning to feel in my own home when:
*J was my beat coordinator, 
*when J was coming to visit me once every week to talk to me and listen to me, really listen to me, 
*when J was getting me regular afternoon and nightly extra patrols, 
*when J was actually having people from both (the auto shop) and the car club getting pulled over and cited for their loud mufflers and atrociously loud bass,
*i knew J really understood and got me, and i felt safe and accepted around him,
*when i had the Wanco speed radar trailer here.
Ever since J got promoted, i have once again lost all of that, and as a Disabled Autistic adult who has no choice but to live in this unhealthy environment because i do not have the money to be able to afford to move to a place that is sensory friendly and quiet,
—-and who is housebound on top of that—- 
finding myself back to square one, makes me feel a distress and depression so deep, i am getting physically ill, every day now. 
I am having loud screaming meltdowns every day again. Meltdowns that are leaving me totally drained and sick. I am back to not being able to sleep, and when i do sleep, i am having terrible nightmares.
The car club is once again coming back right after my caregiver leaves each night, and they are once again back to using the driveway that is right close to my house to ingress and egress their rental unit that they rent. They are gunning their motors, and turning up the bass again so loudly, right by my house, and then they leave as slowly as they can so that it prolonges the agony i experience of having to hear that awful bass. It turns me into a screaming hysterical mess because those noises vibrate inside my head and ears. And they vibrate my entire house.
My street, especially in the mornings between 7 and 10 AM, at the noon hour from about 11 AM to 2 PM, and evenings between 3 and 8 PM, is once again a hot mess of nothing but loud fast screaming traffic, many hot rodding through here, doing burnouts, and the loud bass is atrociously unbearable. When the car club is here, they will stay anywhere from 6 PM until 10 PM or later, so yes, there is that to also consider.
I am requesting the following, please, only because of what is left of my overall health….and not because i am intending to demand or be mean, please know that!
1) K, please call me or come see me so we can talk. I am awake after 2:00 PM, so after 2:00 PM is the best time to reach me as i am a day sleeper. I need to know that you have not turned against me, and are still my friend. My contact info is at the end of this letter.
2) Please either get the speed trailer that i have now, activated as soon as possible, or have them bring me back one of the Wanco ones and place it where i can see it and monitor the speeds of people going past it——to be honest, i would much prefer it if i could have the Wanco one back, as that was the one i liked. It brought me great comfort to have the Wanco one here because of the way the Wanco trailers look and the way they work. I really wish i could have the Wanco one back as soon as it comes available again, please. it would mean the world to me to have that one back, and turned on, of course….LOL!!
3) Please put me back on regular extra patrol in the mornings, lunchtime and afternoons/evenings.
4) Please, please…get me a beat coordinator who will be as kind and compassionate as J has been to me. J really did a great deal to help me, and i miss having him as my beat coordinator!!!
5) Please let me know where the Wanco ones are now, so i can go see them in action, until i can have one of them back on my street again.
I, in turn, am going to begin to search for a place to move to, using my Section 8 voucher. Wish me luck on that one, because finding a one bedroom house, on Section 8 is next to impossible, and if i can find a suitable place via my Sec. 8, i will consider that one huge miracle straight from Heaven!!
Thank you both and God bless both of you,


I have abbreviated all individuals’ names in these emails for privacy and legal reasons.
In closing…..My plight is very real, and it presents for me, a waking daily nightmare that i can only escape when my caregiver comes. She has taken me to see the Wanco speed trailers, when i sometimes ride with her to go run my errands, out of the goodness of her heart, because she understands and gets this and me, and so did J, my beat coordinator, and K the other police official who i address in the above emails.
My main frustration is that no one calls or answers my cries for help and actually talks to me anymore at the police dept. J has answered a few of my emails, and they did get a huge variable message sign here last week, which didn’t work properly, and now another speed radar trailer that is not the Wanco….that they have failed to even turn on….or it also is non-working. I now essentially am left with a dead, non-working speed trailer…..and still no answers, still no one who will actually talk to me and tell me what is going on and when i will get a new beat coordinator. Just that they are doing the testing for the new beat coordinator in one or two weeks.
And still, my street has returned to a state of loud freeway style screaming traffic and atrociously loud vibrating thunder bass. All right outside of my front door.
And i am really scared that the new beat coordinator will not be nice like J was. Trust me. I had four other beat coordinators who were not nice, and who made me out to be the villain, instead of seeing my plight as a real thing.

And i am also frustrated that it seems as though every time i do get a nice someone who listens to me, who treats me like the human being i am, who really “GETS” me and what i have to endure…..they either get transferred or promoted and then i am back to Square One again.

So….this is where i stand as of now. And i feel a deep depression and despair so deep and dark that it threatens to consume me.

I need help. Please. I need some miracles. Because, ironically, i still have a small mustard seed of faith left in me. (Pictured below is the Wanco speed trailer.)