Below are some of my latest posts. Because i am needing to write. because i really do need help. Because i really do need a way out of this jail i am trapped in. This jail that is made up of my toxic neighborhood, and the tiny 550 square foot box that i am confined to.
Sunday, Sept. 18, 2016–7:03 AM
“Oh boy, the sun is up early!! GRRRRRRRRRR!!! 😡 It’s gonna be hot today….i am so not looking forward to that!!! 😡
Grumpy me is going back to bed because it is still nice and cool right now, and i will just hope for the best, that my house doesn’t warm up too badly.
Just…..GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! 😡 ”
Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–2:53 PM
“Oh God, this is AWFUL!!!!!!!!!! My living room is an awful hotter than Hades OVEN this afternoon—-i should have had the A/C window open—-it is not, and I AM SUFFERING HOLY HELL!!!!!!!”
Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–4:14 PM
“I am okay now. My mom called the fire dept. for me, and they sent a nice police officer over to open my A/C window, so now i have the A/C going, and my living room is cooling off nicely. It got very HOT today, and i was almost ready to suffer heat exhaustion. Because here in my living room, it felt like it was 100 degrees. I was seriously burning up.
I REALLY hate my Sundays though, because i am alone with no one to help me at all on Sundays. At least i know i can call the fire dept or police if need be.
I think i will go cry now. I really feel like crying now. 😥 I HATE having to be alone anymore!!!! 😥 “
Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–5:10 PM
“I am glad i did not have to die in my hot living room today, very thankful for the nice police officer who opened my air conditioner window for me—very thankful that my air conditioner still works!!! 🙂 “
Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–6:09 PM
“The KSBY website says Santa Maria is still at 80 degrees as of now. YIKES!!!! :O “
Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–6:56 PM
“I am glad the sun is setting now. I really want to move where it doesn’t get hot like this!! Yes, i am serious about this!! Because……i actually had to get a police officer to come to open my A/C window today because i was getting overheated to where i was going to pass out.
I had my mom call the fire dept. to do this, but instead, a nice police officer showed up to open the window for me.
Like i say—i’m glad i had this help. Otherwise i would have had to call an ambulance.
I am going to go eat dinner now.”
Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–8:44 PM
“Here are the places i would go if i could still drive and still had a car—but i had someone who would go with me so i am not having to go all alone:
*The San Luis Obispo Farmer’s Market
*Avila Beach/Harford Pier/Pismo Beach/Shell Beach
*Avila Valley Barn
*Downtown Friday Nights farmer’s Market
*Cool Hand Luke’s for ribs
*San Luis Obispo downtown/the mission
*Morro Bay/Cambria/San Simeon
*F. McKlintock’s for ribs
*a nice laid back church that accepts Neurodiverse, LGBTQ, and all marginalized people
I wish i had local friends who would take me to these places. I wish i was not all alone. I wish my family cared about me. I wish i was not in this trap, this cage i am in.”
“I just watched the news as it was on after the Sunday night NFL football game, and found out that today’s temp in Santa Maria got up to 96 sizzling hot degrees. No wonder i was having heart palpitations, and feeling hot, flushed, and like i was going to pass out!!
If i had not of had my mom call to get someone over here—-a nice police officer came—-to open my air conditioner window, i could have died today. I am still feeling very rattled, and am now afraid to turn off the air conditioner for fear i will feel like passing out again.
96 degrees is way too hot for someone like me to have to sit in a living room that has turned into a hot oven; because of my leg condition, and i am also 3x to 4x plus-sized, with a new problem: low kidney function….i cannot get by without the air conditioner.
I am going to have potato chips dipped in ketchup now. Because that is what i am craving. I am also craving soft and doughy homemade sugar cookies. But i don’t have those, so….yeah…..
I hate my Sundays on desert island!! 😥 “
“Yes, 96 degrees is way too hot for me!!! 😦 “
I then posted memes about Autumn, because i love that season, when the leaves all turn such beautiful colors, and the days are just warm enough to be comfortable, and the nights are nice and cool. I also posted a meme about all of the soft and doughy looking Christmas cookies i would love to have this Christmas.
I really am alone, and so lonely for local friends.
I am lonely to have more caring people in my life.
I am sad because most of my family coldly ignore me.
I am in pain all the time because of my legs, and this leg tumor makes it so hard to even sit and enjoy my computer.
This Spring and every Spring now when the hills are bright green from our winter rains, i always miss getting to get out on drives to see them and take pictures of them.
I long to live where i can see beauty outside—not these ugly yellow tin buildings all day long.
I am hoping that i can at least get my own speed radar trailer. I made a Go Fund Me page for that, and to also raise the money for a move to a place whee i will have the above things i so long to have.
I so hope someone will help me, please.
I have spent the past several hours sleeping, and plan to sleep more.
I sleep all the time because i am not happy anymore.
I need the police to be real allies to me.
I need for them to stop ignoring me.
I need to have the speed trailer back on my street.
I need for my legs to work again, for this awful leg tumor to be gone.
I need for my next door neighbors to hurry up and move, because of the tension they still cause for me.
I need in real life local friends who will be willing to take me places so i can get out of this box once in a while.
I need for my family to wake up and start caring and understanding and accepting me as i am.
I need them to learn about my Autism and understand it once and for all.
I am tired on all levels.
It is a deep tired of all of my lifetime goals being lost to me.
A deep tired of not having things to look forward to and hope for anymore.
I dread each day because of the street noise and the next door neighbors.
This needs to change.
It isn’t just me, it is many elderly and disabled people who are in this same or similar boat.
Society throws us away and ignores us because we are too inconvenient to them.
We need for you to all care, to get in the cubby hole under the stairs and sit there with us, when we go in there, instead of yelling at us to get out of there.
What harm would it do to let me play with your shiny hair, big sister?
What harm would it do to listen to the story i have told, to see why i told it, to understand why i told my story—-which is because you all have essentially left me to live alone and lonely my whole life, always on the outside, always on the fringes.
I was always the last one to know things.
Please don’t tell your Autistic/Disabled children/kids/relatives
that they will never date
never have a job
never have friends or romantic relationships
or that they don’t know what’s going on or how to think for themselves
that is Othering and making us feel like we are wrong, less than and don’t belong when we DO belong.
Children are developing human beings, and even though we may develop at a different pace, does not mean we won’t be able to do all the above things.
We are still human beings, capable of great success, all our families have to do is BELIEVE in us and not ignore and discard us to sit alone in our rooms.
Many a time i would sit alone in my room and cry wondering why you all hated me?
God made us, and God did not make and does not make mistakes, so why do you so easily discard us?
Think about it….please listen to me because my health is now failing and i honestly do not know whether i will be around that much longer because of my health issues.
Yes, i needed to write this.
Yes, everyone needs to read this and take this to heart.
I do not want to be alone anymore. It hurts like hell to be alone.
This is why i have turned to certain roads, highways and electronics and made them imaginary friends.
This is why i made a friend out of the speed trailer when it was here.
I hope and pray i get that back within the next two weeks, maybe even this week.
Yes, because it’s my friend and i feel it protects me when it is here.
I loved to sit outside and watch it working, so i hope it goes back on my side of the street again where i can easily watch it working again.
But it also makes people drive the speed limit, even slower, and lessens the loudness of the noise, and it also takes care of the loud hot rodding too.
Please, God, let this week be the start of life getting better for me again.
My Go Fund Me: https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4
I, Melissa Fields, an Autistic adult—-yes, we exist, and yes, there are lots and lots and LOTS of us out there if people would just take the time to see, hear, look, listen to us and treat and respect us as the human beings we are—- had to stop driving in April of 2012 for three reasons——-
because i was becoming too afraid of going places—-anywhere—- by myself, because of all of the meltdowns i was having in public whenever i was faced with ableism from people—people who did not get my Autism and sensory issues, who would get angry with me and escalate an often ugly scene with me instead of understanding and learning why i was upset, and why i was asking for certain accomodations—–
because i had just gone through the very ugly and deeply traumatic break up of a friendship with a person who had become like a family member to me, who suddenly turned against me with full on inexplicable fury that year——
and because by that time, i had already developed a huge leg tumor the size of a basketball on my left inside thigh area, which made it hard to get in and out of the driver’s side of ANY vehicle. I began to develop lymphedema in both legs in 2005, due to having to spend years of not being able to sleep anymore in my bed but instead, sleeping sitting up on my already delapitated living room sofa with my legs and feet down.
My life since then has plummeted into a spiral of failing health and isolation and loneliness. All of the bullying i had taken by that time from neighbors all around me where i live, was starting to erode my physical health and strength. Today, i am a hot mess of heart palpitations, anxiety, PTSD, and insomnia, along with my leg issues.
Today, after going through a string of several abusive caregivers, i finally have Connie as a caregiver—and she is a friend and ally to me. She has been my caregiver for almost 3 years now. It was due to her,—-on her days off,—-and a kind beat coordinator officer at my city’s local police department, that i finally got some resolve to many of my issues. Most of the bullying has now stopped, except for when one neighbor who knows my situation and who knows how to best upset me, goes to talk to them and stir them all back up against me again. Those neighbors today are still a bad problem. The street noise is still a huge sensory issue that causes me daily meltdowns. Because people drive my street like it is a raceway/highway—and it is loud. I am “blessed” with tin buildings all around, which further amplifies this noise. Cars with thunder bass systems are the topping on this nice hellish cake.
But now i am at the point where i feel nothing but depression and despair anymore. I am 56 years old and life has literally passed me by. I have never known the joy of having long lasting close warm friendships, nor been able to experience a romantic relationship. I love people, and i am a people person, but i now have a great fear—–i always have—but today it is even greater—of being abandoned—-of having people turn on me and be mean to me—-so i hide——then i latch onto certain things like certain roads, highways, and electronics—- and make them my friends. I sometimes latch onto these things with my all. Because the loneliness hurts that much sometimes.
I am too young to feel like this. I am too young to die. But i feel as if i am living on a sort of death row, because each and every day is the same damn thing, over and over again till i want to scream. I wake up, do the same things every day, and then repeat the next day over and over. I only feel happiness when Connie is here. But iam now way too afraid to venture out and do anything alone—-for fear of being misunderstood, and for fear of people getting angry and saying mean things because they don’t understand and don’t want to understand. For fear of being rejected, shunned, ignored.
I was denied lymphedema care by a home health agency yet again because the physical therapist who came to see me, deemed my Autism as not real. I had a meltdown and screamed at him to leave my house. So i continue to suffer without treatments for my legs.
I don’t know where i’m going with this blog. But i am writing it because i want to educate people to let you all know what it is like when one is left to fall through the cracks and fail, because they got thrown away time and again. Imagine your own family shunning you because you’re Autistic and they don’t get that this is not a behavioral problem, but a disability, a very real disability.
I am having yet another bad night of searing leg pain so bad i cannot sleep at all. I know this came on me because when the cops took the speed trailer this time, the mental and emotional trauma i went through, put my whole body into a shock, a mental and physical state of shock it still hasn’t recovered from.
I have no in real life local friends who will visit me, and take me places. My family still to this day shun me and think of me as a plague and a monster, with the exception of my mom and one sister in Arizona.
I am housebound stuck at home unable to go places and do things i want to do. I have spent my whole life lonely, always on the outside, being ridiculed, misunderstood, muzzled, not heard, not respected, talked over, etc. So from an early age on, i began to escape by latching onto certain roads, highways and electronics that appealed to my eye, and i would make them all into sweet cool angelic friends who all got (understood) me, and adapted me like their sister. I made this speed trailer into an imaginary friend also……..but who was very real to me. Yes, i am still able to have her in my life without the speed trailer….but it is not even close to being the same as when i imagine her being a part of that speed trailer.
In the speed trailer, she and i really had many an awesome time talking, giggling, and just being ourselves, if that makes sense. Her cuteness, wit, and sunny sweet personality, big brown eyes, and dark brunette shiny hair fit this speed trailer to a T. She also had a beautifully kind heart. She was a very compassionate soul. We were kindred spirits.
You see, i have had to live for the past 25 years in a neighborhood where i get bullied alot by the men in an auto shop across the street, ——and her presence here in the speed trailer every afternoon from 12 noon through 7 to 8 PM, was, for me a real Godsend. It got me finally to venture out of my house and sit in my front yard to enjoy watching this speed trailer working, as i would mentally in my head, talk to it (Selena). Because of this, i began to feel more relaxed and at ease, and would talk to many of the passerby who would walk by, or ride their bikes by. I even warmed up to some of my neighbors who i had previously had problems with.
Now with it again gone, i am back in my four-walled box again, afraid once again, and the street is back to the loud fast highway that i so hate.
When the police took the first speed trailer, ii wasn’t as bad because i was still able to go visit it 3 times a week, because they placed it on a local street where i could still go see and talk to Selena in that other speed trailer. This time around, they just took the trailer that they gave me this time, —-and now they are telling me that it is the one that is broken. Not the one they had originally said is broken. I can’t find out for sure though because my emails and phone calls to the traffic dept at the police station all go unanswered.
This time around is awful though, because even though i feel as though Selena still comes to see me…..i still feel an emptiness and loneliness that i cannot describe. I feel as though i lost Selena’s daily six days a week protection of me from the harsh street and the harsh mean bullies and other harsh mean neighbors. I lost my ability of being able to see her in the speed trailer. And this time around, no one will let me know what has happened to this speed trailer or even where they deployed it. I feel as though i am never going to get to see that speed radar trailer ever again. I am beside myself with distress, and i am mostly deeply depressed and don’t even want to wake up each day anymore, because he speed trailer seems to be gone forever this time.
I am broken over this. Way beyond broken. Completely broken into pieces. And i feel as though i am growing sicker and that i have grown much older than my actual age of 56.. I no longer have my beautiful afternoons with Selena in the speed trailer. I am actually deeply sick inside over this. I so wish more people would understand……especially the police. Please.
I apologize that i am such a Debbie Downer lately, but sorry, my life is alittle too much to bear right now, and i cannot hold it in when i need to vent.
I wish i could actually roll the clock back to 1996, when i was still doing well enough to be able to get in my car and take long drives to escape this nightmare neighborhood.At that time in 1994, i tried moving away to two apartments—-both of which had common walls, common floors, the loud staircases, etc…..and it was such a horrible sensory nightmare to me, i had to move back to this hell hole each time. Both landlords from both places got angry with me and asked me to move.
I did not know i was Autistic at that time.
Then in 1996 came several opportunities…..the first one came when my parents and some of my family moved to Idaho. I could have moved there, as it was close to Boise…..but i didn’t because i would have missed my new Christian Singles friends, and the ocean too much.
In 1996 i was also deeply involved with an excellent Christian Singles group that met up in Arroyo Grande and we did lots of fun things. Several of my friends had places or knew of places i could have moved to in the AG area——but by then my fear of moving and getting into another bad situation and having to come back here had made me too afraid, it became to be a fear so great that it placed me at the point of no action……i didn’t want to move to Idaho……and i was afraid to move anywhere, even though i badly wanted to leave Mean Bully Monster street—- for fear of it not working out yet again. And me having to move right back here to Mean Bully Monster Street.
Now, 20 years later, my physical health AND mobility is gone. I had to finally give up driving in April of 2012—-and i sold my beloved little Toyota Tercel that same summer.
Tonight, i find myself now in a deep depression because i have come to rely on a machine——a speed radar trailer—-to keep me and the street of bullies and hot rods—-calm. The police only have 3 of these machines, so when they take it off of my street, i am back to Square One again, having screaming meltdowns all afternoon and evening long, because of the loud fast manner that people drive this street when the speed trailer isn’t here.
I know now that i should have moved either to Idaho or to one of the places i could have moved to in 1996. I know now in hindsight that had i gone ahead and made one of those moves then when i still had good health, i would not be in the hell i am in today. I know now that i would have been going to community college and prepping myself for a career in graphic arts and web design. That today i would most likely be married with two children of my own, and no Lymphedema on my legs. No huge basketball-sized Lymphedema tumor on my left leg to have to suffer with. I would still be driving. I would even be traveling, something else i have always loved doing.
I am not damning myself because i’m Disabled. I am damning myself for making some very, very, very bad choices in the past which led up to the downfall of my health……
Yes, some good has come out of all of this.
I found out i am Autistic, and what it means to be an #ActuallyAutistic adult. I have learned much about Disability Rights, and have gone onto meet a great many awesome friends through the Disability Rights community online.
But i would be lying if i said i do not miss being able to walk and drive and go places. I am now mostly stuck at home, and that is what bothers me the most….and what bothers me even more is that now i am forced to have to listen to the highway that my street is, even though the posted speed limit is supposed to be 25. People routinely scream through here, and even hot rod…..at sometimes double the posted speed limit…..and yes, now i have latched onto the two police radar speed trailers for dear life as the only protection i have against that awful noise, which is like knives, whips, and chainsaws all over my body from my scalp, to my arms, to my back…….and it is VERY painful to have to listen to this every afternoon and evening—and not have ANYWHERE to go to get AWAY from it.
And Now? I am trying to salvage what i have left of my mind, and health. And i cannot do this without financial help. I have begun to save money away in a jar, and i have also created a Go Fund Me page.
I am hoping i can finally get the help i need, first to get my own speed trailer, and then to move from here, to a community where i will have friends and where i will be connected and involved again.
My Go Fund Me is: https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4
Below is a picture of the speed radar trailer i had which made me feel safe and secure in my own home while it was here. I so wish the police would understand my plight and get it back here for me.
I will tell you exactly how i am doing ever since the police took the speed radar trailer……
I am an Autistic person whose brain is wired differently
Changes can be often very traumatic for me
Ever since the police took the speed radar trailer away from me
i can barely sleep.
i have to take two Ativans instead of one to get through my days
I feel sick all of the time
i feel like i have butterflies of dread in my stomach all the time
i dread having to wake up each day
my street is right back to wild fast and loud again
i feel as though they took my best friend away
when they took the speed radar trailer away
for it became someone who i “talked” to, someone who understood me
someone who was just like a real Guardian Angel
that kept the street and me calm
that even kept the bullies from tormenting me
i was even going outside to watch it working everyday
i was actually warming up to some of the people i would meet each day
while sitting outside watching the sign
ever since they took the speed trailer
i have felt even more housebound and boxed in again
i have gone back to not feeling safe here again
i feel very vulnerable and scared again
i cry alot
i feel a deep ache and an emptiness in me
this is what happens when you take something away that an Autistic person was actually attached to
there is nothing wrong with me, this is how many Autistics cope with the harsh world outside that still to this day does not get or understand or accept us as we are
i liken the taking of this sign to a cruel father coming into his little girl’s own bedroom
right when it is at his little girl’s bedtime,
and taking her treasured teddy bear that she sleeps with for comfort safety and friendship and yanking it cruelly away, then expecting that little girl to go to sleep quietly
just as normal, without even one little whimper, when all that little girl wants to do is cry and sob brokenheartedly
Because Daddy took her treasured teddy bear
who was her one true friend on earth
I am lonely and have very few in real life friends
all of my good friends are on Facebook, but live in other states and other parts of the world
my family has always shunned and ignored me—-not my mom.—–but all the rest of them have always shunned me, and they stilldo to this day
so as a little girl
i learned to develop a safe world of my own—-my own cocoon— where i go where i have imaginary friends
that i made out of certain
i did this then, i still do this now, because of so many things
and yes, this included the two speed radar trailers that were placed on my street this year
and the second one i became even more attached to than i did the first one, because of how the number fonts looked on it
how the numbers would go up and down in real time
i loved its bright red SLOW DOWN sign
i loved the way it looked like a petite cute sign trailer
i made “her” my friend again
when they took her, they took my main source of daily happiness and joy away
i have once again lost my ability and freedom to feel i can go outside
i lost her protection
i have been a real mess without that speed radar trailer
sick and cannot sleep or eat much.
yesterday i even imagined myself as i got up from my computer, just walking away out of my body and walking away from all of this,
ifelt i could actually do this and walk to where i would once again feel safe
yes, i almost had an out of body experience yesterday
this is exactly how deeply and profoundly it is affecting my whole being having that speed radar trailer gone
i really want and need that sign to come back
if not, i need to get my own, please.
Please help me to get that so i can be at peace again.