Tag Archives: Coping Mechanisms

I Am Autistic, Not Spoiled


I am Autistic
I am not a behavior problem
I am not a faulty broken appliance
My Autism
is a neurological developmental disability
That i cannot just take on and off
like one takes on and off their jacket or clothing
I cannot help it that i am easily triggered by
Abrupt changes
Changes happening that happens
without my first being told about it
and prepared for it
Harsh impatient angry tones of voice
Harsh impatient angry looks on the faces of others
Certain foods
Certain songs
Certain smells and scents
Certain atmospheres
Certain textures
Certain lighting,
especially if it is intensely strobe-like
The dark
Being chided or made fun of
Being told i said or did this or that
when i know i didn’t say or do that thing
Being told things are a certain way
when i knew they were another way
I am ultra sensitive to being criticized,
talked down to, condescended to and yelled at
Please understand when i am having a meltdown
it is not a temper tantrum
the meltdown has happened because
something has triggered me and
caused me sensory pain and anguish
sensory pain and anguish that is very real to me
As if i was being actually physically hit
or stabbed or whipped
it is especially at that time that
i need to be treated gently
My Autism cannot be fixed or cured
or scolded and yelled away
Nor can i separate myself from my Autism
It IS a part of me
It is all of who i am
My Autism does define me
It defines all of who i am
God made me and all other Autistic people
Please understand that I am me,
i cannot be and act the normal
that the world wants me to be.
Please understand this.
I love you, everyone.
I love you all,
and i really hurt when i feel
people don’t love and care about me.
Please let me be me and
don’t hate me for being my Actually Autistic me.

On Being Autistic & Having Imaginary Friends

I felt the need to put my feelings into another blog post tonight, because, because—lots of reasons—one being, i would like to know that i am not alone—-that others also have a world where they go to cope, where there’s imaginary friends—because the NT (Neurotypical, as in non-Autistic) world has hurt you, like it has hurt me. So you go there to escape and find the acceptance the NT world isn’t giving you. That is what i do.

Firstly, i hope fervently that one day, the NT world will finally get it that Autistic people are real human beings, and that our disability is real—and hope that NT’s will understand us, accept us, listen to us, and respect us. And realize that we are not a behavior problem, or puzzle pieces.

It is my hope that one day the police, medical, dental, vision, and mental health professionals will all do the same.

It is my hope that stores, restaurants, concerts, sporting events, movie theaters, etc., will also become Autistic-friendly.

We should not have to hide, or muzzle/censor who we are to fit into the NT world. We should not have to hide just because we are Autistic.

Yesterday, the police officer who is working with me to help resolve some of my issues with my neighborhood—and he has really done a great deal to help me, by the way; he has been awesome, a real Godsend, to me—–came to see me to check up on me, and see how i am doing.

For the past month, he has had a speed radar trailer placed on my street, and said i would have this first on the other side of the street, then my side of the street. And he said i’d be able to have it here as long as possible.

To help cope with being lonely, and mostly rejected by people in real life, all of my life, since i was a little girl, i have always gotten fascinated by, and then i would latch onto and make imaginary friends out of certain electronics, roads and highways. This has helped me to be able to survive to be almost 56 years old. I will be 56 in May.

A word about animals and why i don’t have pets, before i go any further. Because yes, this is important. I have always been shy and afraid of, and unable to handle personal contact with any animal, so i have never had pets, but i have always admired them from afar. The uncertainty of holding, cuddling and taking care of a pet, triggers in me a fight or flight response, so i don’t do well around animals. I never have been able to.

As a child, i was scratched by our family cat, and then our family got a dog, and its loud bark and jumping on me and licking me also frightened me, so those feelings of fear have lingered and are fears of mine today.

I do love being around people, and i am outgoing. I make in real life friends easily—-however, it is the being able to keep my friendships going that i have always been very bad at. Because i am very sensitive to being abandoned and having people get angry and hate me, friendships do not last with me. I put up walls. People then get frustrated because they either don’t feel they are helping me, or they feel as if i am hiding behind my Autism, or using it as an excuse to “not try”. None of this is the case. I have bad sensory issues with people, even though i love them and care about them.

I also have had a very painful childhood, both at home, and through school. In addition, for the past 23 years i have been bullied by many of my neighbors where i have lived for the past 24 years. And then i have had several bad caregiver experiences to top that all off.

So—i have my imaginary friend world that i escape to, where i am accepted, where these “people” i create, won’t turn their backs on me and abandon me.

The speed radar trailer is still across the street, and now i have grown upset that they will never bring it over to my side, or they will put it on my side, but put it where i won’t be able to see it—- and i know they will eventually take it away completely—–but i was promised that yes, it would come to this side of the street after about two weeks of it being across the street.

To make a an already long post shorter—-all i want is to be able to have the speed sign over on my side for at least two weeks. I know i will get this out of my system eventually, because i do after a time, but for now, i wish they would just come and put it out in front of my house so i can see it blink and flash the numbers, and the “Slow Down” message. I like these speed signs, and i used to love driving past them when i used to drive.

It’s just a simple request and plea….that my city police have compassion on this housebound person, so i can have something new to do while i have to be housebound. (I am housebound because of my legs. I have a leg condition called Lymphedema, which is caused by the lymph fluid building up in my legs. It happened because i was no longer able to sleep in my bed laying down. For about 10 years, i began sleeping sitting up on my couch with my legs and feet down on the floor. Now, i also have a large lymphedema tumor the size of a basketball on my left leg. This has impeded my mobility to a great degree.

So yeah—-

All i want is to be able to see the speed sign from my house for awhile.

I don’t know about any of you—-do you also have imaginary friends? Please comment. I did turn this into a blog.