CW: This is not a fat shaming post. This is a Melissa health post, because i am perishing.
I slept all day today, and had nothing but nice travel dreams where i was traveling, by airplane, to the East Coast, and in the latest dream before waking up at 4 PM, i was traveling to Bloomington Indiana, a place i did once visit back in July 1983.
I so wish i still weighed at least 175 lbs again, with no leg problems, and could get another car and drive again—-and even fly places to go see my FB friends. I don’t need to be reed thin, just at least back down to between 175-200 pounds. That would get me back to a better place physically- functionality wise, to where i could do all of those things again. I know it would help the lymphedema in my legs too.
I want to repeat again: I am not fat shaming by saying what i am saying. My body is shutting down. I am shutting down. I can no longer function like i need and want to because i weight about 350 lbs now, and i have bad back, knee, and hip problems, as well as the lymphedema on both legs—-AND the huge lymphedema ROCK on the inside of my left thigh.
The lymhedema was caused by me not being able to sleep laying down anymore, but sleeping for 8 years, from 2004 to 2012, on a badly broken down living room sofa that bore into my left leg and thigh, especially. I would sleep sitting up, with my feet on the floor, which is bad for leg circulation.
In addition, i have always been, and sill am addicted to junk food to help keep me calm because of this hellish street i live on, stuck day in and day out, inside this house, because i never feel well enough to get in the shower so i can get out and about and get my hair colored anymore.
Having so few people actually care about me in real life—-(i do have my mom, one nice sister, Connie, and my Facebook friends, but no in real life local friends or family support other than my mom and one nice sister)—-has worn me, and my body completely down.
In addition—i have to endure day in and out, unbearable loud hot rodding and thunder bass noise right in front of my house on a street where the speed limit is 25 MPH.
I never get to go anywhere anymore because of my physical circumstances. It is even now hard for me to keep doctor’s appointments. It is getting harder and harder for me to even want to get out of my soft comfortable life chair anymore.
I am depressed all the time now, and don’t have the will to live anymore, so i am praying daily that either God lets me win the lottery so i can escape this toxic neighborhood, or for God to please take me—-because i cannot bear the way things are any longer.
I am an Autistic adult and i feel trapped with no way out of these circumstances.
One afternoon in April, i was upset, so i wrote a series of Vaguebook posts, and because i write when i am upset……and i mainly write to educate the general public about what it is like to be a middle aged adult who is Autistic so people will understand, get us, and accept us, i want to compile my vaguebooks all into a blog post.
What is it that helps flowers to blossom and bloom to all their glory? It is not yelling at them to grow already, and standing over them and forcing their peddles to unfold when they aren’t ready to unfold. And to be callous and cold with them. They need patience, actual warmth and affection, to be slowly and lovingly cultivated, and they need water, sunshine, and food.
For me, it is not being harsh and critical of me. And cold and callous. For me, i grow when i know i am truly accepted and when i am okay to be me. When it is okay for me to say “I am Autistic.” When i know my feelings, both happy and sad, and the ones that are painful too, are truly validated.
all you can do is just go to your room all the time
True fact….i got hurt a great deal growing up….at home i got ganged up on and hated on, yes, downright abused, for being so different and weird…..and all through school…..i never got to sit at the cool table.
Please don’t be afraid to friend me or accept me as a friend. I am here because yes, i do need help, but i am also here because i care about helping as a fellow Autistic ally. I am still new at this, though, so i am going to fail, make mistakes, use the wrong terms, etc. I am still learning though. But i can assure all of you, my personal circumstances and struggles are real, and i am not here to just get cookies.
Below is my story.
I am not a faulty broken appliance
is a neurological developmental disability
That i cannot just take on and off
like one takes on and off their jacket or clothing
I cannot help it that i am easily triggered by
Changes happening that happens
without my first being told about it
and prepared for it
Harsh impatient angry tones of voice
Harsh impatient angry looks on the faces of others
Certain smells and scents
especially if it is intensely strobe-like
Being chided or made fun of
Being told i said or did this or that
when i know i didn’t say or do that thing
Being told things are a certain way
when i knew they were another way
I am ultra sensitive to being criticized,
talked down to, condescended to and yelled at
Please understand when i am having a meltdown
it is not a temper tantrum
the meltdown has happened because
something has triggered me and
caused me sensory pain and anguish
sensory pain and anguish that is very real to me
As if i was being actually physically hit
or stabbed or whipped
it is especially at that time that
i need to be treated gently
My Autism cannot be fixed or cured
or scolded and yelled away
Nor can i separate myself from my Autism
It IS a part of me
It is all of who i am
My Autism does define me
It defines all of who i am
God made me and all other Autistic people
Please understand that I am me,
i cannot be and act the normal
that the world wants me to be.
Please understand this.
I love you, everyone.
I love you all,
and i really hurt when i feel
people don’t love and care about me.
Please let me be me and
don’t hate me for being my Actually Autistic me.
I have spent the past several hours sleeping, and plan to sleep more.
I sleep all the time because i am not happy anymore.
I need the police to be real allies to me.
I need for them to stop ignoring me.
I need to have the speed trailer back on my street.
I need for my legs to work again, for this awful leg tumor to be gone.
I need for my next door neighbors to hurry up and move, because of the tension they still cause for me.
I need in real life local friends who will be willing to take me places so i can get out of this box once in a while.
I need for my family to wake up and start caring and understanding and accepting me as i am.
I need them to learn about my Autism and understand it once and for all.
I am tired on all levels.
It is a deep tired of all of my lifetime goals being lost to me.
A deep tired of not having things to look forward to and hope for anymore.
I dread each day because of the street noise and the next door neighbors.
This needs to change.
It isn’t just me, it is many elderly and disabled people who are in this same or similar boat.
Society throws us away and ignores us because we are too inconvenient to them.
We need for you to all care, to get in the cubby hole under the stairs and sit there with us, when we go in there, instead of yelling at us to get out of there.
What harm would it do to let me play with your shiny hair, big sister?
What harm would it do to listen to the story i have told, to see why i told it, to understand why i told my story—-which is because you all have essentially left me to live alone and lonely my whole life, always on the outside, always on the fringes.
I was always the last one to know things.
Please don’t tell your Autistic/Disabled children/kids/relatives
that they will never date
never have a job
never have friends or romantic relationships
or that they don’t know what’s going on or how to think for themselves
that is Othering and making us feel like we are wrong, less than and don’t belong when we DO belong.
Children are developing human beings, and even though we may develop at a different pace, does not mean we won’t be able to do all the above things.
We are still human beings, capable of great success, all our families have to do is BELIEVE in us and not ignore and discard us to sit alone in our rooms.
Many a time i would sit alone in my room and cry wondering why you all hated me?
God made us, and God did not make and does not make mistakes, so why do you so easily discard us?
Think about it….please listen to me because my health is now failing and i honestly do not know whether i will be around that much longer because of my health issues.
Yes, i needed to write this.
Yes, everyone needs to read this and take this to heart.
I do not want to be alone anymore. It hurts like hell to be alone.
This is why i have turned to certain roads, highways and electronics and made them imaginary friends.
This is why i made a friend out of the speed trailer when it was here.
I hope and pray i get that back within the next two weeks, maybe even this week.
Yes, because it’s my friend and i feel it protects me when it is here.
I loved to sit outside and watch it working, so i hope it goes back on my side of the street again where i can easily watch it working again.
But it also makes people drive the speed limit, even slower, and lessens the loudness of the noise, and it also takes care of the loud hot rodding too.
Please, God, let this week be the start of life getting better for me again.
My Go Fund Me: https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4
I, Melissa Fields, an Autistic adult—-yes, we exist, and yes, there are lots and lots and LOTS of us out there if people would just take the time to see, hear, look, listen to us and treat and respect us as the human beings we are—- had to stop driving in April of 2012 for three reasons——-
because i was becoming too afraid of going places—-anywhere—- by myself, because of all of the meltdowns i was having in public whenever i was faced with ableism from people—people who did not get my Autism and sensory issues, who would get angry with me and escalate an often ugly scene with me instead of understanding and learning why i was upset, and why i was asking for certain accomodations—–
because i had just gone through the very ugly and deeply traumatic break up of a friendship with a person who had become like a family member to me, who suddenly turned against me with full on inexplicable fury that year——
and because by that time, i had already developed a huge leg tumor the size of a basketball on my left inside thigh area, which made it hard to get in and out of the driver’s side of ANY vehicle. I began to develop lymphedema in both legs in 2005, due to having to spend years of not being able to sleep anymore in my bed but instead, sleeping sitting up on my already delapitated living room sofa with my legs and feet down.
My life since then has plummeted into a spiral of failing health and isolation and loneliness. All of the bullying i had taken by that time from neighbors all around me where i live, was starting to erode my physical health and strength. Today, i am a hot mess of heart palpitations, anxiety, PTSD, and insomnia, along with my leg issues.
Today, after going through a string of several abusive caregivers, i finally have Connie as a caregiver—and she is a friend and ally to me. She has been my caregiver for almost 3 years now. It was due to her,—-on her days off,—-and a kind beat coordinator officer at my city’s local police department, that i finally got some resolve to many of my issues. Most of the bullying has now stopped, except for when one neighbor who knows my situation and who knows how to best upset me, goes to talk to them and stir them all back up against me again. Those neighbors today are still a bad problem. The street noise is still a huge sensory issue that causes me daily meltdowns. Because people drive my street like it is a raceway/highway—and it is loud. I am “blessed” with tin buildings all around, which further amplifies this noise. Cars with thunder bass systems are the topping on this nice hellish cake.
But now i am at the point where i feel nothing but depression and despair anymore. I am 56 years old and life has literally passed me by. I have never known the joy of having long lasting close warm friendships, nor been able to experience a romantic relationship. I love people, and i am a people person, but i now have a great fear—–i always have—but today it is even greater—of being abandoned—-of having people turn on me and be mean to me—-so i hide——then i latch onto certain things like certain roads, highways, and electronics—- and make them my friends. I sometimes latch onto these things with my all. Because the loneliness hurts that much sometimes.
I am too young to feel like this. I am too young to die. But i feel as if i am living on a sort of death row, because each and every day is the same damn thing, over and over again till i want to scream. I wake up, do the same things every day, and then repeat the next day over and over. I only feel happiness when Connie is here. But iam now way too afraid to venture out and do anything alone—-for fear of being misunderstood, and for fear of people getting angry and saying mean things because they don’t understand and don’t want to understand. For fear of being rejected, shunned, ignored.
I was denied lymphedema care by a home health agency yet again because the physical therapist who came to see me, deemed my Autism as not real. I had a meltdown and screamed at him to leave my house. So i continue to suffer without treatments for my legs.
I don’t know where i’m going with this blog. But i am writing it because i want to educate people to let you all know what it is like when one is left to fall through the cracks and fail, because they got thrown away time and again. Imagine your own family shunning you because you’re Autistic and they don’t get that this is not a behavioral problem, but a disability, a very real disability.