Tag Archives: Autistic Adult Trust Issues

The “Cool Table” And Why I Am Here—Please Don’t Be Afraid To Friend Me

Candy friendship hearts

True fact….i got hurt a great deal growing up….at home i got ganged up on and hated on, yes, downright abused, for being so different and weird…..and all through school…..i never got to sit at the cool table.

Please don’t be afraid to friend me or accept me as a friend. I am here because yes, i do need help, but i am also here because i care about helping as a fellow Autistic ally. I am still new at this, though, so i am going to fail, make mistakes, use the wrong terms, etc. I am still learning though. But i can assure all of you, my personal circumstances and struggles are real, and i am not here to just get cookies.

Below is my story.

When you grow up physically, mentally, and emotionally abused, and not liked because you are Autistic, both at home and at school, yet are not told you were, indeed, diagnosed as Autistic when you were 3 years old by your mom until you were an adult, only after you had seen a therapist who gave you a soft diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome when you were a 39 year old adult in 1999—-this can cause you a lot of unneeded grief and damage your whole life.
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I grew up thinking of myself as all wrong. That i was damaged and broken. That i would never have friends, never have a job, never get married, never have romantic relationships, etc. I grew up in a redneck family who did not accept me, who just felt i was lazy, soiled, selfish, etc. They didn’t know, they didn’t know—-and i was only told i was born with a perceptual handicap, their words, and childhood schizophrenic tendencies. Then when i got my SSI in 1981, i was labeled as paranoid schizophrenic.
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Then through years of therapy, i discovered i was Autistic. After i was near 40 years of age. As a result, i never got any of the services an Autistic child gets. I did spend from 1st through 4th grade in special ed classrooms, but then we moved to the country where there were no more special ed classrooms, and that was where i began to flounder.
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Because i grew up with little understanding, i learned early on, to cope by retreating into a world of my own, where i have always had a small group of imaginary friends who have always been like my angels. I would basically latch onto certain roads, highways, and electronics, especially those that caught my eye as attractive and personable and sweet and friendly—–and i would make imaginary friends out of those things.
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All through school, i longed to sit with the cool kids, and hang with the cool kids…..and be
able to sit at the cool kids table. There were times when the cool kids would let me, out of pity though, and then make me leave again, because i wasn’t like them. Oh, how that would hurt!
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Then i would go home and get yelled at and teased cruelly by my older brothers and sisters, and even my younger brother. My father hated me because i acted too weird for his tastes. He and my maternal grandmother could never understand me either, and i would just keep getting labeled with all these awful demeaning names and terms, yes, even the R word.
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Now, as an Autistic adult, i have discovered the cool table, sadly, very much exists in the Autistic community, and i am heartbroken about it…..because i think anything that is meant to leave people out, is anything but cool.
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Why? Because it tells those of us already struggling with internalized ableism and feelings that we are damaged goods, that yes, we are indeed, damaged goods—-even in a community where we should all feel safe.
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I understand that many of you have also been hurt, and you also suffer from PTSD and Complex PTSD from childhoods where you too were abused, talked over, not listened to, not taken seriously, etc. Many of you were hurt even worse than i was.
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I also understand that in the Autistic community, there have been those who have scammed people, lied, and presented themselves to be pitied just to get attention—those who just want cookies all the time.
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I understand that all of us have different triggers, and that there are certain types of people who trigger us.
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But then there are some of us who are sincere, who are trying to come alongside of all of you to tell my story, not just so i can get help, but because i want to help the Autistic community as a whole, get heard, noticed, understood, accepted, and included and respected as the real human beings we are.
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I admit when i first came to Facebook, i would unfriend, then refriend people alot—-but this was borne out of my fears of being rejected yet again, or because a person who didn’t understand, would start giving me lots of ableistic advice, then they’d turn on me and get mean—–and i was still learning about my Autism. In the beginning, i was even reaching out to bad places like Autism Speaks, thinking—-and wrongly so—–that they would help me, because i didn’t know better then, that they were not to be trusted, that they were and are a bad hate group.
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Below are posts culled from some earlier posts i made yesterday about me, and why i get afraid and run away at times. Because i don’t want people to be afraid to friend me.
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Post from 9 hours ago.
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“I am afraid to send out anymore new friend requests even though i would very much love to make more friends in the Autistic community.
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I just got snubbed by one person, and one friend that did accept me as a friend, has been snubbing me completely, and i do not feel welcome on their wall.
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People who know me, who know my situation, know i am not here to scam anyone, that my situation is real. But today, i feel as though i just got told i cannot sit at the cool table.
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From now on, i am only going to friend those who i meet through comment threads who seems open to me, who i know will actually give a damn about me.
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I also won’t stay friends with anyone who are going to show me that they are not approachable to me. Basically, if i don’t feel welcome, i am gone.
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I am not okay right now. I want to die.”
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Post from 4 hours ago.
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“I just did another friend cull and some preemptive blocks for self protection. I don’t need to have people on my list, or in the spaces i go, who don’t make me feel welcome on their walls and comment threads, who consistently ignore me, and those who are mean.
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Or anyone who wants to cling to me too hard.
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I am also not going to spend my energy supporting those who i feel don’t like and support me. Because being in the space of someone who doesn’t accept me, is a huge trigger for me……then i get depressed and down on myself. Sorry if that sounds selfish, but i am too kind, i think, too willing to let everyone in, and i need to stop that, for the sake of my well-being. It hurts getting slapped cold in the face, having doors slam shut, having my outstretched hands slapped away. Yes, that happened today.
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New rule…from now on, yes, i still welcome new friends, i still have a big heart and care about people, but from here on, if i want to friend someone, i will private message them first, to explain who i am, that i am in the Autistic community, why i sent the FR, etc., so ppl are not scared off. Or i will let people come to me and friend me.
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Also, if i see in a comment thread, that someone is taking the time to talk to me, and we aren’t friends yet, i will ask if they want to be friends, and go from there. No more am i going to just straight out friend request people anymore. It will save me the hurt and rejection, and possibly being labeled as spam to FB.
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Because rejection really does suck alot.
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I love all of you who are my true friends. I mean that with all of my heart.
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And now i am going to go in my comfy chair and try to forget that today happened.
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Thank you to all who were here for me today.”
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Comment from 39 minutes ago.
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“I want to be able to start going to Autistic conferences and speaking someday, and now feel i can’t do that because many of the important leaders who do go to those conferences, have elected to shun me.
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I cannot pretend this doesn’t hurt. I would expect it from non-Autistics, paaaaaarents, narrow minded people who don’t want to accept us Autistics as the cool people we are, and my family but not those who even run chapters of some of the Autistic organizations i am actually seeking ***help*** from.
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In my defense, what i wrote in the above post **IS** my defense, and if some have blacklisted me as possible friend material for doing what i needed to do for self protection because i ran away due to lack of spoons—then they are being unfair to me, not giving me the chance to explain why and try to make things right, because yes, in the beginning, when i first came to the Autistic community, i still had alot of internalized ableism, and did not understand as much as i do now about ableism, neurodiversity, and my Autism.
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Many of those who i did friend, i ran away from, because i did not know how to respond to their bluntness, blunt personality, etc. I have grown alot since then though, and now i am barred from their cool table because i ran away out of fear due to past hurts and disappointments, when i was a newbie.”
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Comment from 8 hours ago.
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“It’s hard for me bc i am housebound, plus grew up with few friends, and a whole bunch of siblings who were always ganging up on me and making me feel like shit warmed over all the time.
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I just can’t let my guard down as much anymore….that way….i won’t get hurt again.
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Getting the cold shoulder from my own community hurts even more though, bc i consider us all like we should be all family, ya know what i mean?”
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Comment from 8 hours ago.
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This is how i handle things today.
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“ I will basically unfriend and block a person
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if they are consistent in ignoring me
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i feel unwelcome on their wall
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they yell at and attack me verbally
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i get told how to feel or how to act—example if they tell me to cope by just wearing headphones/earplugs to cope with my environment
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they turn against me
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i get preached at, and someone tries to convert me to their brand of narrow minded Christianity
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or i see the person is so mean i am scared to even talk to them
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or they are unapproachable, hard to get to know.
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or they are too clingy and keep taking what i say, mean, always the wrong way.
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I will then block those people so i don’t have to see and get triggered by seeing them in mutual space like comment threads.
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Mean people trigger me alot.
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So those things are why i have the long block list i do. I don’t do that to be mean, i do that to self protect.
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I too will private message a person and talk there, so it doesn’t trigger and scare away people, especially if they’re new allies.”
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To all who have read this, i thank you….and i thank all of you who are my friends and allies.
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My Night Of Lamentations

I have no hope whatsoever for a decent existence now. No more will the police help me, and the mean bully across the street knows this, and is giving me the night from HELL. I do not know if i will make it now. I am sick, having one meltdown after another.

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I don’t care about whether it rains or not anymore
I don’t care anymore because nobody cares about me
I don’t care because i evidently do not matter to most ppl
I don’t care anymore if they haul me off
I don’t care if they kill me
I just want out of my misery and hell.

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I have lost all faith in humankind and in God now.

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I am so upset and discouraged at the way my police dept has decided to blow my problems off that i left several of the Santa Maria groups i was in. As soon as i am able to move, and know i can move somewhere decent, it is not going to be anywhere else in Santa Maria. I can promise you all that!! I am DONE with this town and the way its police dept has let me down!!! Done, done, and done!!!

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I needed someone to physically talk to right now, so i called the national crisis hotline. I wish i could say it made me feel better.

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What would make me feel better right now is to win enough money in tonight’s (Weds) night’s lottery, so i can move away from this pit of hell as fast as i can. To a place where i know i won’t face bullies who torment me right outside of my house day and even night. Like i have here. Where i also won’t have to call the police anymore either.

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I no longer consider police my friends. At all.

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This night is lasting way too long. And then i know my daytime will be more of the same of what i had yesterday. And now i have no more police to help me. This feels like one long dark tunnel that i cannot seem to climb out of.

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I am an Autistic adult in peril, and i need help, please!! I need for my community to see me as the human being i am, to see my plight as the very real nightmare it is, and to not force me to have to endure it any longer. I no longer feel like i am at home here. I no longer feel safe. I no longer feel like i am going to make it. Because my police dept has given up on me.

An Open Letter, Because I Am About To Run Away

I apologize upfront that this is not paragraphed properly. I did paragraph it properly, but everytime i go to re-edit it, it refuses to separate the paragraphs.

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I wrote the following letter to the chief of my city’s police dept., because i no longer seem to be getting anywhere with trying to get a new beat coordinator to help me with my still ongoing cancerous neighborhood issues. I sent it, thinking wow, i finally am going to get his ear, and he will get me the help i have been crying out for from my city’s police dept.!

In fact, now a sergeant, Sgt. R. M., who does not understand my plight and who thinks i should just snap my fingers and move—–oh yes, it’s just that easy—–and i mean that sarcastically, of course!!—-has now banned me from calling anyone but him about my neighborhood issues. it is not easy for me when people don’t—or won’t—take the time to understand–and they do what this sergeant has done, just lock me out. Now i am having the night from hell because now i want to run away.

But noooooo—as soon as i sent the very well-written email off to the police chief, i got a Daemon failure notice—-email failed to send because wrong DNS whatever.

So, i am going to publish that letter here, in hopes that the chief will some how, some way, come across it.

Dear Chief M,

I am finally writing to you because i am very upset about the way i am once again being treated and blown off by my city’s police department. I have reached the point where i feel i may need to take my story to the media.

Because i feel as though my police department has abandoned me again.

I am writing to let you know about my plight. I’m an Autistic 56 year old adult, who is in very poor physical health, and i have been housebound, unable to drive or go much of anywhere since April of 2012. I cannot even walk too far because of my legs. So, i am cooped up in this tiny 550-foot cottage on an almost 24/7 basis. My tiny home has become a prison and a torture chamber. I have become deeply depressed, and this depression grows deeper every day because i feel isolated and cut off from people, my community, and life. Yes, when people are nice and accepting of me, i am a people person who enjoys going places like the ocean, movies, church, out to eat, etc. But i don’t get to do those things anymore because of my failing health.
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I have lived here on *** Street for the past 25 years in a duplex that is owned by my mother. The past 24 of these years have been a hell that i have never been able to successfully escape…not for lack of trying….but being that i have never worked, all i have had to live on all of my adult years is my monthly Social Security benefits. I only continue to live here on *** Street because i have no where else to go. My hell is mainly caused by men who work and hang out at some of the nearby businesses who bully and terrorize me because they think it is a fun sport. I lack the filters to be able to ignore them, especially when they deliberately revv their motors, scream loud banshee yells at me, lay on their car horns, and blast their amplified loud thunder bass. These noises are severely painful for me to hear, and i scream and meltdown because of the agony this causes me.
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It is not like i can live my life with headphones and earplugs on 24/7, just to adapt my own home environment, where i should feel safe, to the outside world. I did not choose to move here, and believe me, if i had been able to choose where to live, it would have never been here. I live here only because it’s the only thing available for me.
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I used to feel safe when i knew i could always pick up the phone and have either Lt. K. G. or Lt. C. R. to talk to and help me, and then earlier this year, i had Jason. Now i am back to having no one to call and talk to. 
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My new beat coordinator, P. S., and Sgt. R. M. both tell my mother and i that they are too busy helping others to help me, and that is the God’s truth. I have talked to Officer S; my mom has talked to Sgt. R. M., and both seem to not have any real understanding of my circumstances. Nor do they seem to want to. In fact, today my mom was told that all future phone calls concerning my plight on *** Street are to now be referred to Sgt. R. M.
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I am afraid to talk to most people as a rule until i get to know them and feel safe with them. I am very timid about phone calls, because most people seem to lack a true understanding of my Autism, how it manifests, and what my plight with my living environment is. I deal the best with people who are friendly, open and accepting, people who make me feel that my feelings and needs are being truly validated. I shut down on people who are rude, curt, who don’t listen, who interrupt, talk over me, down to me, and treat me like i don’t matter. I have always been very afraid to deal with Sgt. R. M. because he is like that, and now it seems like i am being forced to.
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Two years ago, i remember that you talked to my friend H, and promised her that as long as you were chief, my calls for service would not be ignored any longer. And now, even Cmndr. K. G. ignores me. Which really hurts, because i have always considered him to be a real friend and ally.
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Here is what i am asking of you.
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1) Please don’t force me to have to work with either R. M. or P. S. anymore. Please find me someone who will be like Jason was, 
**who will get the speed trailer back on my street more often, on my side of the street where i can enjoy watching it work from my front lawn, 
**who will set me up with regular patrols, 
**who will talk to me,
**who will talk to my neighbors and explain to them how i am trapped here, how this is my home, and how the loud hot rodding, banshee yells, excessive horn honking, and thunder bass noise affects me worse than ever now because my physical health is failing now, and i can no longer go anywhere to escape it anymore.
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2) Please also ask Cmndr. K. G. to at least talk to me once a week. Again, i only feel safe with certain people, because when people are rude, condescending, talk down to me, or over me, and blow me off, that is a real sensory issue for me that keeps me upset for days, with meltdowns.
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The meltdowns i have when a car revvs its motor or blares their thunder bass, or people lay on their car horns or banshee yell at me, are severe, and cause me to get physically ill to my stomach. 
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Having the speed trailer here was a real comfort to me, as i felt it protected me from all the harsh noises and even the mean bullies. I know you only have a few of those, but i have even offered to pay your department a monthly fee to rent it on a regular basis. 
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I do have a possible way to move in the Spring of 2018. But while i am still here, it’d mean the world to me if my police department would care again, and work with me, please.
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I am enclosing pictures of the speed trailer that i enjoyed watching.
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I fervently hope this letter reaches you, and not R. M., or anyone else who may not get my plight. Please help me. You are my last hope.
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Sincerely,
Melissa Fields, *** Street
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P. S.~~I am also enclosing a link to my Go Fund Me page. Maybe the police department can all get together and purchase a speed trailer for me, like the RU2 Systems Kustom Signals one that was here?
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Would You Not Be Depressed Too If You Were Stuck In A Small Four-Walled Box?

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I just wrote this. This explains why i am so deeply depressed and having so many meltdowns lately. It is hard—-way beyond hard—when my own home is right in front of a war zone full of bullies and i can never get out to go places to escape this hell. All i have to look at is a concrete and asphalt street and rows of ugly yellow tin buildings all day long.

I sleep all of the time now because i only feel safe when my caregiver is here. When she isn’t here, and the bullies are, they really crucify me….and they did so yesterday, so badly i almost fainted from screaming so strongly.

But PLEASE don’t blame my caregiver. She does all she can do for me, and does her best by me. She has a real heart for me, and cares deeply about me. She would do more if IHSS allowed it and if they paid IHSS caregivers mileage, and helped pay for their car insurance, and maintenance.

I also felt safe when the speed radar trailer was here. I so wish the police would bring that back for me. It calmed the street down, and even made the bullies stop picking on me while it was here, because the bullies saw me being able to interact with others, and i guess that made them feel like i was more of a human being than they thought i was.

I have a great and deep empathy for people, especially all of those who are my friends, you all do not realize how deeply i care about all of you—– but please forgive me——it is not always easy for me to show it because the mental pain and state of fear that i am all the time in is sometimes too great.

I know this comes across as me not caring abut the feelings of others, and what they are going through, but i can assure you all, that is so not the case.

I so wish i had my family around me, and that they would understand, accept me, and care about me. I would not feel so alone, so isolated, and and cut off!!

 

Yes, this is my life.

I am stuck living in a 4 walled box
I get to go to the bank once every month,
and sometimes to the doctor
Sometimes to the psych tech nurse who prescribes my Ativan
But that is it
It is not my caregiver’s fault
She would take me on outings
if IHSS allowed her to do so
But they don’t
When my caregiver is not here
I am all alone
and very lonely
I have no one to call
no one to talk to
when my caregiver isn’t here
because i have no nice neighbors around me
and no in real life local friends
no one at all
as most of my family live out of state now
they all moved when i was still doing well
when i still could drive
when i still had my health
when i could still get out and walk
when i could still go to church
but a bunch of traumatizing stuff happened in early 2012
that set me back mentally & emotionally
i had to stop driving due to that
i actually lost the ability to drive
at the same time, my leg tumor was growing too big too
which also made it hard for me to drive
And now today, i sit in my house
and life now is passing me by
most of my family ignore and shun me like i’m a plague
because they don’t get me, and get or understand my Autism
i do talk to my mom and she does what she can to help me
i also have one nice sister who cares about me
but again, both live out of state now
i talk to my mom sometimes several times a day
and write to my sister when i have the spoons
but otherwise i am all alone
i wish people would understand when i can’t smile
and when i have those days when i have more meltdowns  than usual
how hard this is on me to only get to see things through my TV and computer and front door now
yes i still have the bullies here who still
make my life even more of a living hell
yes, they still are at it
and now the police seem to be ignoring me
all of this is getting to me
i badly need a way out of here
as my physical health is failing
and i am about to break emotionally and mentally
my depression and despair is so deep
that i often have no strength to even get out of my lift chair
where i now sleep
i am sleeping all of the time now too
because it is my only true escape
except for when my caregiver comes
i have sadly grown to depend on her with my life
as she has become my only lifeline
i panic when she has to leave early, or when she gets sick
because i am scared to be awake now in the daytimes
when i am here all alone
because the bullies crucify me when she isn’t here
yes, that is when they do all the mean things
to antagonize me
i keep going on because i have no choice but to
but please forgive me when i cannot smile
when it gets too much for me that i end up melting down
i am in a pain so real and it is hard to put on normal when i want to run and scream and hide from it all
I hope i can get my miracle soon
so i can move and get better healthcare, and better adult services
I love my caregiver, she does her best by me
so please don’t blame her
but i do need a way out so i can have my joy and happiness and peace back.
Please.

My Go Fund Me is:  https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4