Tag Archives: Autism & Emotional Blackmail

I Don’t Need Chelation, I need Acceptance & Friends

Yesterday someone commented on my last blog, telling me they saw my videos, and that what i need is chelation therapy and hyperbaric chambers to **cure** my Autism.

I Don’t. Think. So.!!!

I’ll tell you what i need.

I don’t need to be ignored and forgotten about. That hurts me and scares me that i will be left to fend for myself.

I need and want acceptance. I badly long to have friends. Local in real life friends who won’t be afraid and walk off from me, who will stick by me and accept all of my quirks and sensory issues. Because i am not wrong. I am not in need of any cures or fixes.

I need friends who will invite me to their house, even when i am totally being Seattle Grunge-appearing, who will all still make me feel welcome even so, and we have a nice supper of homemade spaghetti with a zesty tomatoe-y meat sauce seasoned with Italian seasonings, and with Italian sausage…..hot from the oven hot buttered garlic French bread, a salad with romaine and green leafy lettuce, shredded carrots, Roma tomatoes, pickled beets, sweet cucumbers, and buttermilk Ranch dressing. And then a nice homemade lemon cake with lemon frosting for dessert.

I long to have local friends who will drive me up to the ocean and let me sit and hear and watch and smell the ocean as the sun sets.

I long to be able to go to the movies. To fun Farmer’s Markets. To Cambria, Montana  de Oro, or to just go to the mall or park. To ride on the freeway again.

I am lonely. Most of my family do not call or write to me at all. I just have my mom and two of my sisters, who are nice to me. But they all moved out of state at a time of my life when i was doing better than i am doing now.

I do have physical disabilities that do need attention. I need to have a large leg tumor that is the size of a basketball surgically removed so i can walk. I need mobility equipment, and ramps, and for my shower to be made Disabled accessible, because of my legs.

And again, i need friends. I need to know i am not all alone, and that i will never be left all alone to fend for myself.

But i DO NOT need to have anything done to my Autism, because my Autism is fine, just the way it is. It is me, it is who i am, and NO one can or should take that away from me.

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My Continuing Bad Neighborhood Saga

I am too hyped up to sleep, yet i do feel very fatigued. I am replaying yesterday’s neighbor drama over and over, still processing—-trying to process—- why some people, and how some people can be so mean, and how lying seems to come so easily to them.

Also, how her daughter can justify continuing to brazenly park her shiny truck right where i get hit in the face with bright afternoon sun reflections, even though i have TOLD them this is a real thing for me, a VERY real sensory THING. I asked her why she can’t find it in her heart to have at least that much of a heart for me—-to just not park there in the afternoons, so i am not forced to have to shut my door when i don’t WANT to shut my door!!

I have to now keep several pieces of cardboard notebook backings to block her sunlight reflections out, and this means me not being able to see freely out my front screen security door.

How is this fair to me?

What happened yesterday? Basically, i was sitting here at my computer and was on Facebook, while waiting for my caregiver/friend, Connie to come. My next door neighbor, who knows full well that i am Autistic with multiple other Disabilities, drove up, as a passenger in her sister in law’s car. Her sister in law was driving.

When this sister in law comes, she always makes it a point, knowing i need my driveway clear for Connie and other company that may come, as it is my driveway, and they are not supposed to use it or block it or park crowding it…….does just that……in the past, she has parked right in my driveway, and when i spoke up about it, she then began coming and parallel parking right against my driveway, blocking it. In addition, she loves to honk her horn…..another thing i hate.

Yesterday, L drove up with her sister in law, and they proceeded to park right in front of my driveway, blocking it….knowing full well that that was the time Connie comes. When i began to yell and scream, she refused to move. I called L over to my front door to talk to her, who began lying saying she wasn’t parked there that long. Sister in law was still outside, now parked normally, in front of L’s house—– and when my discussion with L grew increasingly louder, because i was becoming angry at her lying to me about everything and justifying her daughter having the right to park in front of their house—-L’s sister in law suddenly jumped out of her car, and came lunging, in an angry rage fit, at my front door, screaming and yelling all kinds of mean names at me.

I was trying to tell L that even though her daughter has a right to park on street in front of their house, the sunlight blinds me, and is a sensory issue for me—-and i am asking for this as a reasonable accomodation for my Disability—-that was when her out of control sis in law came lunging at my front door like she wanted to rip it open and beat me up.

When Connie came, she left, but not before laying on her car horn several long loud agonizing times, and yelling at me some more, while making obscene hand gestures too, at me.

The whole incident scared the shit out of me, and i do not do well when people go off on me like this lady did. People yelling at me and verbally attacking me, is also a huge sensory issue for me, and it takes me days to fully get over something like this.

I needed to put this into a blog to help process through this, and to show how we Autistics are still treated by most of society.

To be honest, i do come across many Neurotypicals who are really cool, who take the time to listen and understand me and accept me. But for every cool nice Neurotypical person, there are the ones who are snotty and attitudinal.

I am looking into legal channels to remedy my next door neighbor situation. Because i should not have to be a prisoner in this house that my mother bought for me from one of my sisters to live in so i would never ever be homeless. I am also working with some very nice people from the police dept. on resolving many of my other neighborhood issues that have been ongoing—-the car club and auto shop and warehouse bullies, and their loud hot rodding, loud thunder bass and loud animal noises.

This is exactly the reason why i refuse to live in another apartment where i am in close proximity to the other neighbors that we hear everything that each other says and does.

Living here for the past 24 years (trying living in two other places that were apartments for two short time periods in late ‘93, and early ‘94) has forever ruined me mentally and physically. I grew up being traumatized by family, and schoolkids and school teachers….. and my PTSD from just that runs deep. Add to that, this street for the past 24 years, plus several friendships that went sour because most people don’t do too well with me as i am too complicated for them—-[sarcasm]—-then all of the nightmare caregiver experiences——ummmm, let’s just say, i am still here, but i am deeply unhappy because now i have even lost my physical health——yeah, tension will do that to ya——and i need to move where i can have the sensory peace i need.

I know this was a long read. But i needed to get it out.

Why We Need To Talk About This—My Caregiver Story—Part Two

My story continued from Part One. (For Part One of my caregiver story, please scroll down to the blog below this one.)

 After i fired Jessica L., i was without a caregiver for two weeks. I was a wreck….because Jessica L. still lived next door to me, and was still doing things periodically to antagonize me….but thankfully, a family friend helped by checking my mail once a week, and shopping for me. I had to make frequent phone calls to order food to be delivered to my house…..otherwise, i struggled to make things to eat that were the easiest for me to do…..mostly tuna sandwiches, ham and cheese sandwiches, also Lean Cuisine Chicken Chow Mein, and Stouffer’s spaghetti with meat sauce that i could just pop into my microwave….things i could just heat and serve.

 But I was so lonely. I cried alot. I was still even mourning the loss of my friendship with Roger. A part of me still even wanted to mend fences with Jessica L., and give her one more chance. All of my friends advised me not to go down that road again. And i didn’t, because Jessica L. was still being mean to me. She would leave her very bright backyard light on so i could not enjoy looking at the stars and moon at night anymore, and bang on her walls alot…..and she also loved to even make her car alarm go off all of a sudden. And she loved to yell.

 I also missed my long shiny red hair. My mom had to buy and ship me three knitted caps to wear, because my head was now so cold, with my hair cropped so short that it even had actual bald spots on the sides. Yes, i was that distraught over the way things ended with Jessica L. that i literally tried to scalp myself. I hurt that badly inside……mentally and emotionallly from her cruelty towards me. On top of Roger’s cruelty.

Enter KT, my next caregiver. My In Home Care worker called to let me know she had found a lady

who understood Autism,

who would be nice,

but who would know how to set boundaries and remain professional,

as i should not ever become friends with my personal care assistants anymore.

 KT started on Nov. 15th, 2012. She was nice, but she kept asking me alot about my meltdowns and whether i needed to “vent” or have her “problem solve”. She liked to get me out of the house too, and she liked to let me have my favorite treats too. But she was strict about doing nothing but working while she was here, and she did do an excellent job at cooking, and housecleaning…so much so that my house was spotless. She also was okay doing my baths, and even got me into the shower a few times. But our relationship lasted till the end of January 2013, when my meltdowns due to the street and my house being ripped apart due to plumbing issues, got to her, and her friend NBee both, who KT had gotten me hooked up with as a secondary caregiver.

 The end of KT’s and my caregiving relationship ended abruptly on January 31st, when KT called in sick, and i could not get NBee to fill in either…..suddenly leaving me without care again.

 I REALLY flipped out!!

 KT began ignoring all of my VERY frantic emails and calls, and NBee who said she was at the hospital with her mom, rudely hung up the phone on me.

My paranoia got the better of me, and i jumped the gun and i fired both KT and NBee, as my high school friend who was then back in my life for the third time, was more than eager to take over as my new caregiver.

I will call her Rose—not her real name either.

Rose took right over….but now i had to suddenly become a morning person and get up at 8:30 AM every morning, because of her youngest boy being in school and he needed to be picked up everyday at 2 PM. Rose wasted no time in talking me into having more anger and resentment towards KT….she even had me convinced that KT was neglecting me by ignoring a growing gash on my lower abdomen where my underwear were cutting in…a gash that was quickly becoming very infected.

Rose, who was nice in the beginning, took me to the hospital, where i was admitted for three days, the first week of February 2013, and i was placed on antibiotics and diuretics. In the hospital, i began to lose weight quite quickly, and my leg lump and leg swelling even shrunk to half the size they had been before my hospitalization.

I loved how i got treated in the hospital by all of the nurses and doctors. And loved how nice Rose was to me during that time. Rose even promised she would never be mean to me this time, that she had learned her lesson from her first two times friending me in Feb. 2010 (when we stayed friends till a huge loud blowout happened between us in April of 2010) and the second time in Oct. 2010 (when she and i stayed friends till we had a HUGE screaming blowout in February of 2011).

The thing with both Rose and Roger…..is that both Rose and Roger were very much PAID FRIENDS. They both took huge sums of money from me, as well as food and candy, and snacks as well. Everything they ever did for me seemed to have a price tag on it. In addition, whenever Rose and i went out to eat, i always had to pay her way, and if her kids were with her, their ways too. Roger would get nasty, refuse to do stuff, or do a sloppy job at what i wanted him to do, if i did not give him acceptable compensation. And Roger got in alot of ugly bad moods in which he would become verbally and mentally abusive towards me…and this would happen on a mostly bi-monthly basis…seriously. Even so, when he was nice, he was a beautiful soul to have in my life. Even so, i still both mourn the loss of his friendship, but at the same time, i am now seriously frightened of him, because when he turned on me for the last and final time in March of 2012, his mood and emails were so hateful and sinister….i have never gotten over that. I still have bad nightmares about the way he began to behave towards me. The way he suddenly began to deliberately blare very loudly, the music he knew i hated…..the way he suddenly began to emit the same type of loud banshee yells he knew scared me to death that the men do from the auto shop across the street……and again….there were those awful emails. And all of the awful threats he began to leave in the comments on my YouTube videos.

Rose, my high school friend, who also has a Jekyll-And-Hyde personality, lives in a town 25 miles away, so when she became my caregiver, she was always asking me to give her $40 dollars a week for her gas…..yes, she did refund all of that money back to me….but whenever she would come on weekends to be with me when i would get scared to be here because of Jessica L. and her family next door….she would charge me $60 for each of those weekends…and that did not ever get paid back to me.

When i sold my car in August of 2012, i managed to keep most of that money saved in a private savings to save up for a new iPhone, a new Apple computer, and an iPad. But when Rose came onboard as my caregiver, that money began to drain lower and lower, till i no longer had a solid cushion. In fact, after i came home from the hospital in February 2013, Rose started in with the yelling again. Whenever she would realize how shaken up it would make me, she would stop herself. But i noticed how she also still yelled at her kids….both of whom are also Autistic. In her fits of rage, she began to break several of my plastic Rubbermaid containers, pounding ice in them to break up the ice for the fruit smoothies she began making me….and began to turn most of our conversations into these awful raging screaming arguments. She strong-arm talked me into getting rid of all of my snack food and candy, taking it all home with her. She also refused to buy me my Slurpees which i loved, too. In March 2013, the abuse stopped for awhile….but then in April 2013….it sstarted right back up. We had one last good weekend in early April, where we rented a car to go to Pismo Beach. I agreed to pay for the car rental, with the agreement that Rose would refund the deposit, which ended up being $153. I never got that money back from her. In addition, once again, i had to treat her and her son to their dinner that evening. In late February 2013, i had gone for an ultrasound on my left leg lump, to see about getting surgery on it, and was to have an appointment with a general surgeon in late April 2013, but by then Rose and i had had two new huge awful blowouts, even worse than the ones before them…..one of those blowouts was hers and my Horror Ride To The Bank on the last Monday in April, where she screamed her head off at me so bad, just over me wanting to listen to my music on the way there, and then one two days later…………….where she ended up walking out on me, leaving me, this time, without a caregiver for one whole agonizing month. In addition, i now had my family friend, who was now renting the house next door to me, suddenly on my case over this….my friendship with her was now permanently ruined due to Rose.

Rose went onto try to turn all of my Facebook friends against me. She did not succeed, although i did lose one of those friendships, when one of my friends did delete both Rose and i, because she no longer wished to get involved with the drama. I can write much more about Rose…but i already have, in earlier blogs.

The friend i lost was the lady who loved to come from the Central valley of CA to take me to Pismo Beach, Avila Beach, and Cambria. I miss her……i miss her alot…..

To be continued……