Tag Archives: Autism & Abandonment Issues

Alone

It is bad enough having to be housebound,
stuck in a small 550-square foot box
with no in real life friends
all of my huge family with the exception
of my mom, all ignore and shun me too
and now tonight, my internet has gone out
my only real link to my online friends
is gone when this happens
i am Autistic and physically disabled
i am alone, i am so very extremely lonely
i did have a nice Guardian Angel
who came onto my street twice now
to help calm the loud hot rods
and she made me feel safe enough to
even come out of my house
for the first time ever,
because she was a speed radar trailer
and i got fascinated by how it worked
and looked, so i made a nice friend out of her
i badly need her to come back to me
she was a real friend and my protector
from all of the harsh mean bullies
i feel even more alone and vulnerable tonight
now because my internet is out
i badly need to get my own speed trailer
and to move whee i have nice friends all around me
who will visit me, do things with me
and take me places
Please help me—please donate,
and if you cannot, please share this appeal.
I badly need a real way out, or i feel
i will be dead soon of a lonely broken
heart and spirit
because my health can’t take this
environment i am forced to live in much longer.

https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4

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The Emptiness Is So Loud

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When i look east on my street,

all i see is an empty spot where the

speed radar trailer once was parked

It makes me feel an emptiness so black and dark i cannot describe

I am Autistic and physically Disabled also I am lonely housebound,

unable to get out and go places and do things

all of my good friends are all on Facebook and live a long ways away

my caregiver is my friend also but she is unable to take me places and be here more than

my allotted hours

most of my family all shun and ignore me

i still have many painful issues with bullies in an auto shop across the way

when the speed trailer was here, it actually made me feel safe

to come out of my house for the first time

and it became a really cool imaginary friend to me because of my loneliness

The speed trailer actually even got me outside as i was fascinated

with how it looked, and worked

it was a very real security and a very real therapy to me that i grew to really need

i understand the police only have 3 speed trailers and a whole community to serve

but this still does not change how life has once become

again since they once again took it from me

i don’t understand why the police cannot apply to purchase more speed trailers

so that people like me who are trapped having to live here

with no place to go to escape the awful loud hot rodding

and i just have to sit here and listen to this loud hot rodding all day long

can have a working speed trailer here on a regular basis

when it calms the street

when it calms me down

when it brings me a way to have some actual enjoyment in my life

being able to watch it working everyday

i know they have 3 speed trailers

why can’t they purchase at least 3 more?

Then i can have one here

I plan to move by Spring of 2018

But until then, i am in agony

because of the noise and the loneliness

and nothing to do now because the speed trailer

once again has gone away

i so wish people would understand my plight

there is nothing wrong with me or my mind

this is the way i have always coped with my life as an Autistic because most people

misunderstand me and are so rude to me

so i have imaginary friends that i make out of certain

roads

highways

cable/satellite boxes

stereos

car stereos and

now two speed trailers that have been on my street,

a Wanco one and an RU2 Systems Fast 870

that i feel in love with even more than the Wanco one

which is why i created a crowdsourcing page

to raise the funds to purchase my own speed radar trailer.
Would you please share my page widely and those who can,
please donate so i can purchase the speed trailer pictured above,
and not be without it anymore as long as i have to still live here on this noisy street?

The Speed Radar Trailer & Why I Have Been In Mourning

All of my life, to cope with the harsh outside world that is not Autistic friendly to me, i have developed a very intricate and creative underworld of imaginary friends, made from certain roads, highways, and electronics, and when ever i get attached to these things, then they get taken away from me, or i can no longer go on that certain road or highway, it is just like someone taking away a real best friend who i grew to love and depend on.

I know this is a unique way to cope, but it does not make me a bad person. It does not make me less than. And does not mean i still do not have faith in God. These electronic things and roads and highways are the friends who get me and accept me, no ifs ands or buts.
This week, finding the speed radar trailer gone once again, was a shock that plunged me into an actual physical whole body shock. I had to find out if this was only temporary. When i did, i slowly began to feel like myself again. In the meantime, i have been sick since the speed trailer got taken away….that first night, i began with the shakes, vomiting twice, then vomiting the next two days. Now i have intestinal upset, and still can’t really eat yet.
Because i got so used to getting to go outside to “visit” the speed radar trailer everyday. It got me out of my house. It got me to be able to use my bad legs, so they got stronger. It gave me a nice tan on my arms and face. I made friends with some of the people in a business East of me, and met other nice people who would walk by and chat with me.
Watching how this sign would go up and down, and then flash a bright red SLOW DOWN sign if people went too fast, and red and blue light bars if they went even faster, fascinated me, as well as being able to actually ascertain for myself how fast and slow people were driving. Most drivers would slow down quite a bit for the speed radar trailer. Quite a bit!!
Thankfully, the new beat coordinator for the Santa Maria Police Department is VERY sweet, and he left me a nice message Thursday, saying that the traffic people are working to get this machine back on my street sometime next week.
It gives me a renewed hope that maybe during this time i will either get the funds through my Go Fund Me for my own speed trailer, or i will win the big Powerball jackpot, and be able to still get a speed trailer for myself.
Below is a picture of the speed trailer taken on the last night it was here. I miss “her” so very very much, and can hardly wait till “she” comes back to me.
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The Police Have Taken This Speed Trailer Now

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Above is a picture of the RU2 Systems radar speed trailer that has been parked on my street since May 25th, and turned on working to keep me and my street calm, since June 2nd.

Now it too is gone. I woke up today at noon to find it missing from its spot where they had it parked east of my house. I am heartbroken, as if i just lost my best friend again. I cannot eat or drink anything, and my street is starting to be wild again. I wish i could just hop a bus and leave here forever now. I am crushed.

I so wish the police would understand. What it is like to be an Autistic physically Disabled adult who is trapped in her house, who has very little family support, and no local friends….how this speed trailer became a real source of comfort to me, and how it got me out of my house to sit and watch it every afternoon and evening. I even became friendly with some of the people who work in one of the businesses east of me.

Now that it too is gone, i badly need a way to be able to purchase my own speed radar trailer like the one pictured above, so i made a Go Fund Me page, which is linked below. Because…i cannot go back to the several meltdowns a day that i was having that was leaving me physically sick and weak at the end of each of those awful hard days.

As stated above, i am an Autistic adult who unfortunately has to live where i live until i can get the means to move, i am also housebound because i cannot walk that far, and i don’t drive due to my legs…but without the speed trailer here, this street is like a supersonic loud highway with frequent hot rodding, racing, and loud fast noise, that literally drives me into sensory overload every day. Even though the posted speed limit is 25 MPH. As i write this,people are once again flying through here at double that speed, and i am already screaming and hitting myself to stop the pain this noise causes me.

Like the speed trailer i had before, this one also brought me great comfort, and i made the same friend that i had in the other speed trailer, out of this one too. I actually happen to love this one alot more than i did the other one i had, because of the way it actually shows in real time how fast and slow people go..i love the nice red SLOW DOWN sign it has on it…..and, like the first one they put here, this one has also made me feel safe and secure for the first time in my own home.

Please help me. I can’t be without this speed trailer again. Thank you.

My Go Fund Me is: https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4

Still Scared, Very Scared

I honestly do not know how much more of this i can take.

I am okay as long as the speed radar trailer is here on my street. But my police dept. has failed in letting me know who my new beat coordinator is. I finally Googled it, and found out that way who he is. My last beat coordinator was supposed to let me know AND he was supposed to introduce him to me. He never did either.

They don’t let me know whether i can have a working speed trailer here on a regular basis for the sake of my health, because without it, the street is so wild i have meltdowns which leave me physically ill—i need to know.

The speed trailer is still here, and i am very grateful it is here….but all i get from the police is silence and he not knowing when or if it will get taken away from me again. The stress of not knowing is getting to me.

I am not posting this to badmouth anyone, but yes, i am upset that police depts. do not do a much better job than this so that REAL bridges are built between them and us….ALL of us, and that includes Disabled people, shut-ins, Black and Brown people, rich, poor, homeless, elderly, etc.

REAL community policing means actual OPEN LINES OF COMMUNICATION between police and us, not this never ending silence, and no answers to my phone calls and emails——and me left hanging as to what’s going to happen next.

I DREAD the day they take this speed trailer away from my street. I SO dread that day. I would hope they would place another working one here, and also place that one on my side of the street where i can see it working.

I also need to get out of this house more often than i do. I used to love going out to eat, going to the movies, going to church, and going to the ocean. I do not get to do any of that anymore, except eat out maybe once a month if i’m lucky, and this gets to me greatly too….because i get so lonely to be able to be around people and involved in my community.

Below is another picture of the RU2 Fast 870 speed radar trailer that is still on my street, but for how much longer, i don’t know.

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Scared, Part 3

I am a deeply lonely Autistic and physically disabled adult who has no family support at all from her three brothers, one sister, and their families either, and no real in real life local friends either. I do have love and support from my mother who lives in Idaho, and my eldest sister who lives in Arizona…..but they too are no longer living here…..so yes, i get VERY lonely, so lonely i want to roll up into a ball, but cannot due to physical disabilities……

I have deep trust and abandonment issues that no one can realize how deep they go….so all of my life i have latched onto certain roads, highways and electronics, usually stereos, and any electronics that are eye catching and i like how they work……and i have made some of the most awesome imaginary friends ever out of these!!! I could write a book just about those awesome friends i have made!!!

Having the speed monitor here on my street where i can see it working for one whole month has been a real therapy to me, and now this morning i am deeply depressed and crushed because the once sturdy folding chair i used to go sit outside, broke underneath me last night…..now all i have left is an old but still sturdy wooden chair…..and a regular sized bath chair that i don’t use…..(i use a full-sized bath transfer bench for my showers now)…..to tide me over till i get the new chairs that i did order from Amazon, because thank God for credit cards…..but those chairs won’t be here till Tuesday, and i am scared the police are going to take this speed monitor away from me this next Tuesday……

and do not want to waste any time not being able to spend as much time as i am able to spend with this speed monitor, before it **is** taken from me.I cannot mentally or emotionally afford to **not** sit outside to watch and pretend “talk” and “converse” with my friend who i have made out of this speed monitor…..i have to either use the wooden chair, or the bath chair…or hopefully if Connie can find something, use that, to tide me over till my chairs from Amazon come.

I do get paid today, so i may have Connie get me a chair from somewhere.

I also hope for a way to be able to buy my own speed radar trailer, that is just like the one that is outside.

I just wish and hope i could have in real life friends who would not give up on me, who would get me, and who would take me places and do things with me. I hope and wish i can get a way to move from this awful neighborhood once and for all.

This post is public and shareable. Pictured below is an RU2 Systems Fast 870 speed radar trailer.

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Scared, Part 2

Is still so very, very worried and fearful that the police are going to take the speed trailer away from me this week.
I really hope they’ve realized that i have not had to call or email them ever since they came to turn the speed trailer on on June 2nd for me. I hope they get to read the letter the psychiatric nurse i saw this past Thursday, is writing to them. I hope one of my friends can help me start a Change.org petition to send to the police about this.
I don’t want to have to live on this street anymore, without a working speed trailer here on my side of the street where i can easily see it and monitor it from my house. Because without the speed trailer, my street is wild and i feel unsafe here. Greatly unsafe. The speed trailer makes me feel a sense of security i have never felt ever since i moved here 25 years ago.
Having the speed trailer has meant me being able to actually get outside alot to watch it and take pictures of it, which has resulted in me getting to say hi everyday to some of the business neighbors to my east who i thought didn’t like me…..and finding out that they are friendly…..that they do like me and that they do understand my need to watch the speed trailer working.
One of my favorite servers at a local restaurant who i am friends with here on Facebook, has even seen all of my posts about the speed trailer, and she even agrees it has helped me, and saw how much of a wreck i was when they took the other one away from me on April 25th and left me with no speed trailer at all for one whole month, then put this one here, and did not turn it on till a week after it had been here.
I am praying so hard. My mom is even saying a continuous novena for me that the police will keep a working speed trailer here from now on, till i am able to move from here.
I AM going to try to find some way i can move from here. Hopefully i can be out of here by the first part of 2017, or earlier, if a miracle happens that will open those doors for me.
Below, is another picture of the speed trailer. It really has become a good imaginary friend to me that i feel i greatly need at this time of my life. I hope the police will please understand this and let me keep this one, which is an RU2 Systems Fast 870 speed trailer, or the Wanco speed trailer, either one is fine with me.
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Scared

I have been really blessed to have a nice working speed radar trailer here, which has been here for over three weeks now. But now that it will be week four, will the police take it from me this week and leave me here with nothing once again? This really is worrying me. It is worrying me greatly.
I so dread going back to the wild street and me having those awful meltdowns that i was having again. And being without my friend again. I don’t know if i will be able to handle this this time.
037I pray it doesn’t happen. I pray they let me have either this or the Wanco one, and that they keep switching between the two, for the sake of my health and sense of safety. Till i am able to move from here.

Update On My Situation

I just realized it’s been a month since i last blogged. I have been enjoying being able to have a new speed radar trailer on my street for the past month. After making two frantic tearful phone calls to two police sergeants, they finally came and turned the speed trailer they had placed on my street on May 25th, on—on June 2nd is when they turned it on—–8 days after they had placed it here.

To be honest, i actually love this new speed trailer a lot more than i did the Wanco one i had had before. This new speed trailer is an RU2 Systems Fast 870, and it actually looks and works even better than the Wanco did. The same imaginary friend that i had made up for the Wanco one, is my friend in this speed trailer also. I feel safer here again.

I realize this is just s temporary fix for my overall situation though. I still badly need to move, and i very much want to move to either the
San Francisco Bay area,
the Pacific Northwest,
New York City,
New York State,
Long Island NY,
or the New England areas.
Because many of my Facebook Autistic Community friends live in these areas, and i know in my heart of hearts that i would have a much better chance of meeting even more cool people,
of being actually able to get out of my house to go places and do things,
and i would have a better chance at getting help for my legs,
and many other vital services i have not been able to get living on the Central CA Coast.

Most importantly, i know i would not suffer from the deep aloneness and loneliness that i suffer from here whenever my caregiver/friend Connie isn’t here to help me. Most of my family literally shun and ignore me like i just don’t exist to them. Here, i am disconnected from people, and my community. Even though i was born and raised here.

I need a way out. or i am going to perish. A human being was not made to be alone and isolated from life…..and i am, all of that…..and being so hurts me so very deeply like no one can know or realize.

I live in daily fear that this new speed trailer will also be taken away, and then my street will be back to wild loud fast screaming noise again, and me having constant meltdowns from the time i wake up to the time night falls…..and me losing my imaginary friend yet again.

It should not have to be this way. For any of us.

I am calling for police departments to start listening to us Autistics, to learn about us, to understand us, and our plights and needs, and to accomodate us where we are at in life.

I am calling for all people to listen to us, learn about us, and understand us.

We are human beings. Please stop ignoring us and turning us way. Please stop ignoring me and turning me away.

(Below is an up close picture i took of the new speed trailer. My coping mechanism for a life that has truthfully, become unbearable. This speed trailer makes me feel safer again while having to live in this awful neighborhood.)

Image description: Below picture is of a street at sunset, looking East, with tall metal building, trucks, cars, trees, a light pole, and the speed radar trailer is at the center of this picture. The speed trailer frame is white, with a “Your Speed sign on top of a white framed electronic black message board, with the number 23 on it, as i took this picture as a driver was passing by. Below the electronic sign, is a white metal speed sign that says “Speed Limit 25 MPH. Below that is a large white metal box mounted on a small painted white trailer frame, on two tires. These trailers are designed to be towed anywhere where they are needed to calm traffic in problem areas. My street is a problem area.078

Today Was One Of The Worst Days For Me

The following is taken from an eariler post that i posted on my wall today, plus some things a new friend and ally who i am growing to really love, as she really gets what i am going through, wrote to me today, articulating and validating my feelings my feelings.

I have been a wreck since the police came and took the Wanco speed trailer off of my street, as many of you know. The police are now totally ignoring my emails and phone calls that i make to them pleading for their mercy and continued help, and to have the Wanco radar trailer placed back on my street.

I am now in the process of creating a GoFundMe with both short term and long term goals—-and am creating it with the hopes that the end result will be my getting moved to a quiet location where i can finally have my peace and my sense of safety and sanctuary back.

My post……with explanations added for clarity…..

Weds., June 1, 2016 at 8:18 PM

“I have been having the evening from hell so far. It is just now calming down.

The street has been loud and fast freeway style driving in a 25 MPH zone all day today and this evening. I have had multiple meltdowns over just that alone.

(And even more meltdowns over my next door neighbor’s inconsiderate daughter’s actions, and the car club.)

The car club is here now too. They announced their presence with their loud God-awful vibrating thunder bass….that brought about more meltdowns.

Then my neighbor’s daughter decided to start her truck up and sit in it, letting it idle so long that my house was filled with the exhaust fumes, and making me cough. More meltdowns.

(The loud bass, followed by the neighbor’s daughter’s toxic truck fumes, made me really scream in agony!!)

The speed radar trailer they put here 7 days ago, has never been turned on, and still has not been turned on as of now. I have gone downhill mentally and physically ever since the police’s traffic sergeant ordered the Wanco yanked from my street on April 26th. I feel it not only calmed the traffic down, but it became a friend to me in that i actually for the first time, felt safe enough to start venturing out of my house to sit in a chair on my front lawn to watch it flash and blink. it gave me a sense of comfort that no NT can understand.

Now the cops are totally ignoring me. And i am continuing to suffer each day. I have gone back to dreading having to wake up from sleeping……this can’t go on. I can’t go on like this. I want out of this whole town because i do not feel like i am welcome here.

I am in sheer agony still tonight. I badly need a way OUT!!!!!!!!”

My friend’s messages to me:

“Hey Melissa! First– I want to say, we *need* to get you out of there. I’m willing to help you get a GoFundMe going and have you okay whatever is said in the description before it goes up. I think we need to think in terms of your short-term survival, and long-term. In the short term, we should raise funds to get speed bumps put in place. If anyone speeds through your neighborhood at that point, they do so at their own peril. They will be in for a nasty shock, and if they know what’s good for them, they’ll quit speeding ASAP.

Then– we need to get you a housing/moving/basic care fund going. You and I can discuss where, if anywhere, you’d feel more comfortable moving away to.”

To which i replied that i felt the Wanco speed trailer would be much better than speed bumps, because it has a giant electronic sign with big bright bold amber colored fonts, and that i needed the Wanco back on my street, both for my peace of mind and to calm down the traffic, because it worked really well when it was here!!

She wrote back:

“I think you and I both know this current speeding/neighbor/living situation is destroying your physical and mental well being.

And you’ve endured all of that for far too long.

It is not humane for you to have to live in these conditions.”

She also wrote:

“We could try to raise money to have two permanent Wanco speed trailers on your street. (One on each side) I don’t think that’s too much to ask. All the cops have to do is set (them) up, acknowledge it’s your private property, and leave them be”

She went onto say this, and this is the God’s honest truth:

“I just want to say– the empath in me hurts for you intensely. I see you posting so much about how much you’re suffering, every day, multiple times a day, because of the horrible speeding issues on your street……I relate a great deal to how you’re trying to cope with a (screwed) up world. You do (what other Autistics with PTSD and who have been bullied so much) often do– fixate on something. In your case, it’s the Wanco speed radar. Your logic makes a lot of sense on that, actually. You had that speed trailer there, and finally felt you had some control in your life over a daily, painful issue– speeders with their loud, obnoxious hot rods.

And (when you had the Wanco speed trailer there) you felt safe enough after years of isolation to go out your front door– and breathe actual fresh air. And I’d call anything/anyone who gave me that much peace of mind a friend, too.

You also have your a****** neighbors who f****** traumatized you to the point you were terrified to leave your house alone. That’s completely f****** unfair to you– and horrendously abusive of them.

So, there’s all these elements at play, all different flavors of anxiety and depression. And your physical and mental well being are the price for your a-hole neighbors and inconsiderate drivers.

If I were in your shoes? I’d want to flee. Get out. But you don’t have the financial privilege to flee. So that’s where the GoFundMe comes in. We’re bailing you out. You’ve endured that bullshit way too long.”

She also said:

“And I also think you and I know exactly what the police department is thinking with all of this. They’re thinking with their NT brains, and also thinking about all the other police work they have to do. They’re like “maybe she’ll stop calling if we just leave this speed trailer here.” They got exactly half of that equation right– maybe less. They gave you a speed trailer– but didn’t turn it on.

That’s why (having the Wanco there, and turned ON, working properly) made you feel calm. Because people drive by, see how fast they’re driving, and slow down.”

(My words…how can they obey a speed radar trailer that is just a blank black screen, that is not turned on?)

Back to my friend’s words:

“And of course, one part of the equation they’ve majorly (screwed) up is in being empathetic to your issues.

Because, they’re ignoring you.

And that’s not easing your mind.”

No, it is not easing my mind. It is making me feel all alone and isolated again, and like i am being forced to endure more suffering because the police somehow feel i “choose” to live in this cess pool.
Little do they know that being i have been on Section 8 and Social security all of my adult life unable to work to become self-supporting, to be able to realize ever, my lifelong dreams and goals, that i have been stuck having to live here due to no way out….and when is this hell and torment ever going to end for me? 

I can only hope that someone with legal expertise can see my plight…..and that the police are denying me their services, because they seem to think i am just a nuisance…..and help me to get the help i need, then i can get the money to finally be able to move out of here.