Tag Archives: Autism & Abandonment Issues

Yes, This Needs To Be Said: A Story Of More Abuse

[TW/CW: Caregiver abuse, two brief mentions of sex offenders to illustrate the comparison to that as a means of having a similar registry to identify caregivers who abuse, deliberate cruel ableism, caregivers Othering a multiply disabled person, caregivers playing on my vulnerabilities and fears, willful and deliberate caregiver neglect, mental, emotional, psychological, and financial and physical abuse, the withholding of vital medical care, and the gaslighting of ME.]

And no, i will not delete this post, because these individuals in the following story have subjected me to holy hell for the past 9 plus months, and reported documented truth is not slander. Because caregivers who abuse need to be called out, publicly shamed, and held to the strictest account possible. Not only that, caregivers who abuse the vulnerable people they are charged to care for, actually need to be treated just as sex offenders do, and be placed on a national registry, then banned from ever being able to ever be care providers ever again.
Yes, this post needs to go VIRAL. So share this WIDELY, PLEASE.
And yes this is a long post.
Having intestinal upset this fine early morning, which i know is due to the state of pure anguish that my now ex caregiver S#$%@ has left me in.
I slept for several hours, but now am sick.
Btw, when i do sleep, i have been having nothing but horrible frightening NIGHTMARES about S#$%@ and his sister, who were my caregivers from July of last year until Friday.
This morning, i am utterly sick to think that a human being who professes to love and care so DEEPLY about my health and well being, actually got in his car and BAILED on me on Saturday, June 22, 2019, leaving me with NO BREAKFAST, AND NO WAY TO GET TO MY SATURDAY DIALYSIS APPOINTMENT.
I had to actually miss a dialysis treatment due to his cold-blooded cruelty. For the first time EVER. Before Saturday, i had never missed a single one of my dialysis treatments! Not a single one!
To think that he deliberately drove off, while i, crying and sobbing hysterically, plead with him to feed me, and get me to my dialysis, while telling me cold heartedly, “Don’t worry, you won’t starve to death, you will manage”, as he got into his car and drove off, he needs to be called out and publicly outed and shamed by any of my online friends who have the spoons to do so, because this was serious criminal endangerment that he elected to put me in on Saturday. It presented a serious risk to my health.
In trying to get my next door neighbors to help me, and they were going to help me, but then got afraid to answer their door to me, because S#$%@ drove back in, sending them away, making them think that he was going to help me after all, instead, after my neighbor went back to his house, S#$%@ left, and drove OFF on me, abandoning me, a sick 59 Autistic adult with end stage renal (kidney) failure, when he knows that i NEED to keep all dialysis treatments—or i will DIE.
How did this all start on Saturday? Because another friend had finally been able to talk to him and bluntly called him and his sister out on their past nine plus months of abuse. So, he was already angry and in a bad cocky mood. Because, on Saturday, he got to my house wearing so much cologne that i knew i would taste it on my orange that he was peeling. (A something he already knew would upset me, as i had asked him several times before not to peel and section my orange with cologne on his hands. I have asked the same of his sister as well, when she worked for me.) I only asked that he wash his hands so that i would not have to taste his cologne scent on my food. His reaction was to get highly pissed, and a verbal argument ensued, where he kept threatening to leave, telling me he couldn’t take this anymore, and then he did leave. I was going to get my next door neighbor to help me, but when S#$%@ came back, making me think he was going to help me, and then left again, and i went back to that neighbor, they were now afraid to answer their door to me. In addition, as S#$%@ got in his car to drive away, i was sobbing, pleading with him to please feed me, please don’t let me go without my dialysis, and he laughed at me telling me not to worry, that i would not starve to death. That i could manage.
I almost fell while walking on my way back to my house. Please let that also sink in. That i almost fell due to S#$%@’s deliberate and willful negligence. Yes, i am a fall risk due to my limited mobility.
Some of you friend requested S#$%@ on Facebook and messaged him in the hopes he would accept so that he could learn about me, and why his continued ableistic cruelty was damaging me and why it could not go on.
I have since learned that he told one of my friends who tried to reach out to him to explain about my C-PTSD and why my meltdowns happen and how to handle it when i have a meltdown, that what they wrote was bullshit, that he had an autistic friend, who was nothing like me. Sounds so much like the autism martyr parents, hmmmm?
He sadly ignored all of your (you, my friends’) attempts to reach out to him to educate him, except for my one friend above. Shortly before he bailed on me on Saturday, i found out he had posted mean comments on another friends’ comment thread.
Over the course of these past nine months, i had over a dozen meetings with him and my kidney center social worker, some meeting where his sister also my caregiver, came, where my social worker and i both made repeated attempts to try to get them to understand my autism and meltdowns and sensory issues/triggers—-but those meetings did no good. Those meetings were hard on me, because neither he nor his sister got what my social worker and i kept trying to explain to them. Both S#$%@ and his sister seemed hell bent on misunderstanding me and treating me like a naughty child all the time……and this put me through literal mental hell and trauma, which has not helped my physical health one bit.
Yes, i have spent these past 9 months being mentally, emotionally, and financially ABUSED, MUZZLED, OPPRESSED, AND SILENCED by him and his sister. They both literally charmed me, then took over my empty middle room, moved into my middle room, took over me, and my entire home. I lost all control, and the will to even live anymore. I began to feel safe only when i was at dialysis, where everyone there loves and accepts me! And sheer dread when i knew they were picking me up from dialysis to take me back to what i began to feel as a hellhole, instead of my home. I dreaded it because i began to feel unsafe—in my own home.
Where i used to be able to pay my bills, now each and every single month i can barely make ends meet, and have had to resort to posting several Facebook fundraisers in order to get through the financial raping that has occured at the hands of this caregiver and his sister.
They basically would routinely ask to borrow money, but never repay me. They would tell me they had no money to gas up their cars, so i would have to shell out for their gas, or face them not coming, and not getting me to dialysis and all of my shopping and errands. In addition, i had to pay every month for their phone service, or not be able to get them on the phone or via Messenger and text message.
I had fun times with them—alot of fun times. We went places, and i would often hang out with them and their friends in the middle room. But those fun times always came at a cost and punishment:
*them always being late to get to me, and when i would try to reach them, their phones would die, going straight to voice mail, resulting in me having full blown panic attacks and meltdowns,
*several times me being late to medical appointments, as well as dialysis,
*them being late, sometimes VERY late to pick me up from dialysis.
*Me actually getting left at a mental health counseling appointment (more on that later).
*And finally, me being denied breakfast, and finally having to miss my first dialysis treatment ever, on Saturday.
Below describes much of the hell i was subjected to.
In September of last year, was when i first saw signs of both their moods. (Their lateness was always a problem though from the start.) Firstly, i was made to go stay at his mom’s so he could rip all of the carpets out of my living room and bedroom, because the carpets were affecting his asthma. If i did not agree to this, he was going to walk on me (quit). After a week at his house, he approached me one morning with a dark look on his face and ordered me to take a shower, where, as we were getting ready, he first laid into me for asking him to wipe me before i got into the shower, implying i could do that myself, which i CANNOT, because it hurts my shoulders and arms to reach to do that, then because i needed to have a towel on my transfer bench, and the floor of the tub, so i would not be cold, and slip in the tub, he told me “Why can’t you take showers like a normal person?”, and if i did not shower, he would quit, and i would have to find another care provider. I was having a meltdown, and he kept escalating it, accusing me of not caring about myself. I have always been hesitant to take showers because they are physically hard for me and because of past caregivers, and bad family experiences when i would bathe/shower…specifically, me always being rushed through my baths and showers, and never allowed to enjoy my baths and showers…and he seemed hell-bent on making that shower an as unpleasant as possible experience for me. After he had me in full on tears, pleading my case to him, he finally grew his heart back, and we ended up having an actually pleasant shower.
Even so, i can never forget that first shower experience with S#$%@.
And then, a few days later, he got mad at me again for asking him to please re-do my food better so i could eat it, another huge sensory issue, calling me annoying, and what happened was me spending an entire night and set of spoons, going through my Facebook memes to educate him on my autism.
We got along better after that. After three weeks at his house, i finally came home—to canary yellow paint slapped all over my living room walls, and my entire house all rearranged. My computer speakers no longer worked, so he had to give me a pair of his computer speakers. In addition, my TV sound bar would not work, and we both played hell trying to get it to work again, which, thank God, it did, but i told him to not play with that ever again.
In addition, i no longer had my Living Bible, a huge plastic box of gel pens, several adult coloring books, and a whole bunch of other things, were now all gone.
My Thanksgiving at his house was awesomely beautiful though. Delicious food, and everyone there were so sweet to me. Including S#$%@.
But then in December and at Christmas, he, and his sister, got in yet more bad moods with me. During a trip to Solvang, he got impatient and angry with me when i asked him to not forget to put my backpack on my wheelchair, and then when i needed my glasses to read the restaurant menu.
One night, Sister literally tried to rush me at dialysis so that she could get her kids a Christmas tree, when she could of done that any other time, except for her work hours with me. She accused me of making all four of her kids cry. I tried to get S#$%@ to pick me up. Their mother came a full hour later to pick me up from dialysis.
On another day, she began telling me “Ya” over and over in Messenger, after telling me she was on her way, and never coming, when she had taken S#$%@’s car, and left he and i with no way to go anywhere, obviously making fun of the state of distress i was in. S#$%@ and i had planned a recreational outing for us that day, and her taking his car ruined that, and her response was to “Ya” me to death over it, making blatant FUN of me!
At Christmas, S#$%@ got in another dark mood when we got to his house for another family dinner—which completely ruined my Christmas this year. He took control of the Fire stick TV remote and began watching a bunch of really dark negative stuff that i hated watching. He wouldn’t let me watch anything i wanted to watch. I sat there clearly uncomfortable, getting agitated. He also was not that attentive to my needs when we first got there. He never got up from the couch to get me any refreshments at all. He did serve my dinner plate though. Then after dinner, he began playing a Bible thumper on YouTube who prays for people in a very harsh judegmental manner, his voice a sinister gravely monotone that i find to be more demonic than anything, and this really triggered me. He played it even though he knew this man upset me when i had to hear him before, out in the middle room of my house. When i tearfully asked that he please turn it off, he refused, getting downright nasty with me. I had a meltdown, and had to leave the room. His mom came to my defense, and he finally got nice again, apologizing to me….letting me have the remote. I put on videos of New York City.

And then in January, he actually left me at a mental health counseling appointment, leaving me to believe i would be stranded there. He basically came in with me, then excused himself to go take a phone call, promising me he would be right back in, then never came back. After my session was over, my counselor and i tried to reach both him and his sister, but both their phones went straight to voice mail. I had the counselor then call his mom, and then my kidney center social worker, who has been in my corner from the get-go, and she finally reached the sister, who got S#$%@ to finally come get me. When he finally did come to pick me up, the center was getting ready to close, and instead of him apologizing to me for leaving me stranded, he yelled at me and scolded me, telling me “It’s always about you, Melissa, always about you, you are so selfish!” and i had another meltdown. He finally apologized, realizing what he had done.
Things have only gotten worse since then….unbearably worse…..with both of them….more numerous daily episodes of their now classic showing up late behavior, the now classic phones going straight to voice mail when i try to reach them to find out when they’re coming…then suddenly they come back to life and message me to say they’re down street, at the stoplight, on our way, etc.,…me often getting my breakfast a whole hour to two hours late…..daily episodes of them switching days on me, and switching plans and changing things abruptly,…daily, upon daily, repeated episodes upon daily repeated episodes of me being in here, in my living room, all alone after they give me breakfast, all alone for whole entire afternoons, with them out in the room with their friends coming and going into the room to visit them all afternoon long, and me—just alone. If i needed them, i would have to get up and literally walk to the back of my house to yell for them. On legs, hips, and knees that always hurt. (And i still have the leg lump). Otherwise they would not hear me call for them, as they always had music or videos playing. I would have to call for them at the top of the steps leading from my laundry room through a breezeway, to that room that they had turned into an office/hangout/party room for themselves. Often they would even block the door leading into their room so that i could not go in there to hang out with them, which i often had to do in order to get any attention from them, again on knees, legs, and hips and a heavy leg lump that always hurt…..
Sometimes they would take their time to come to me. One time, they would not come, and i kept going back there, over and over again. pleading with them to please pay attention to me, and they would not come to me until after i was screaming and in tears.
There were the afternoons the sister would bring me treats like ice cream pops, and cool candy, even hits of her cbd pens. But most afternoons i was here in my living room all alone with no one to talk to.
And then in April, she began to also get in even more and more ugly bad moods and pay even less attention to me. She began yelling at me more and more. More and more scolding me. More and more judging me. She stopped thanking me for all of the nice things i did for her. She just stopped being nice. Then in May, a week before my birthday, one morning, she and her brother both came really late, together, with him laying on their car horn as they flew into my driveway,—– on a dialysis day,—– with me in here at my computer, in full on screaming meltdown mode on the phone with my kidney center social worker, and they both lay straight into me, them both yelling right at me, charging into my living room, calling me ridiculous, with even him going so far as to actually pick my desk phone up and hang up on the call i was on with my kidney center social worker—-who was on the phone with me, trying to calm me down. I kept screaming, and they only reacted by threatening to leave me, with no breakfast, and no way for me to get to dialysis.
He calmed down, and fixed my breakfast, but, yeah, got me—late—to dialysis, where, because i was still highly riled up, my dialysis machine kept alarming, and they had to put Acti-vase in my catheter to get it to work. In addition that day, my blood pressure was at literal stroke level.
That evening, after i had another meltdown because of the way my spaghetti was plated up with way overkill on melted cheese on the top of it, at first, S#$%@ was going to fix it, but then his sister came in, and they both yelled at me yet again with their usual harsh ableistic judgments: “Oh, here you are, Melissa being ungrateful, using your autism as an excuse, you are selfish this, bad that, a burden, a behavior, a tantrum, you don’t appreciate us and what all we do for you, and we even think you are lying about your disabilities….” Then they both left. In total and complete frustration, i threw the entire dinner on the floor, because as usual i was being unheard, as usual i had no say in my care, no rights, it was their way or the highway, as usual….and i just could not do this anymore…..i tried to run away…..and came back later, having to heat canned raviolis up in the microwave…..
It got better with S#$%@ after that, in fact, unusually better with him, because i had Connie come talk to him….and it calmed him down and he even told both my friend Connie and i he now gets me and that these upsets are not going to happen anymore. After that, he even had talks with my kidney center social worker that gave her hope too—but even when the sister and i made up a week later after that awful day and night, things were never the same between her and i…..
Because of that night, i had Connie come in as a third caregiver, thinking that would help….it did until S#$%@ realized he would lose money by me having Connie as a secondary caregiver, plus Connie came right out and called him out on the way i’ve been treated by him and sister these past 9 month…..and then more hell happened on Father’s Day with the sister and the sister’s mean friend, when S#$%@ took me to his house for a Father’s Day BBQ. When the mean friend of the sister’s told me to stop the stimming i was doing, sister came in yelling at me for standing up for myself to her mean witch friend…..and now? He has finally turned on me…..
I have both of these ex caregivers now blocked, as well as their just as cruel wicked witch of the West den mother, as well as HIS evil girlfriend and partner in crime.
The reason i am writing so passionately this morning, is because i am rage pissed, deeply hurting mentally, and i do not feel well physically either this morning, i am still having lower abdominal cramping, still feel physically sick.
I am CRUSHED that this young man has done this to me, left me when i, a borderline Type 2 diabetic, needed my breakfast, and to get to a vital medical treatment that is keeping me alive.
S#$%@ and his sister, when they were my caregivers, would routinely play games with me when i would get upset at them, cruel mental games, were always late getting to me, they always yelled and screamed at me, and several times before he finally did leave me on Saturday, threatened to leave me without food and a way to get to dialysis. Yes, there were several other times where i was threatened with no breakfast and no way to get to dialysis.
They both knew that i am all alone, with no family support. They preyed on all of my fears and vulnerabilities. All the while telling me over and over and over again how much they loved me.
On Saturday, S#$%@ finally made good on their threat to leave me hungry and without my dialysis.
ALL of this is well-documented by my social worker at my kidney center, by my local hospital where i had to go to try to get dialysis there on Saturday after S#$%@ left me, and by the local police, after the kind hospital social worker who saw me while i was at the ER, told me i needed to make a police report on what S#$%@ did to me.
I have not gotten a dialysis treatment since Thursday. They were going to admit me Saturday so that i could get dialyzed, but they did labs and decided against it because those labs came back normal. I am going to go back in this morning to get more labs done, to make sure i can wait till tomorrow my normal time to get dialyzed. If not, i will have to get dialyzed today.
Again, this post needs to go viral, to illustrate that caregiver abuse of vulnerable disabled folx, is a real and pervasive and serious evil occurance that needs to be stopped.
Abusive caregivers need to be placed on a national registry, just as sex offenders are, and need to be banned from ever caring for and abusing anymore of us.
As for me, this is why i have the deep trust issues i have. Exactly why. Exactly why i now have the C-PTSD i now have. Because sadly, i have had a long string of these kind of abusive caregivers, from 2012 on when i first needed caregivers.
I know this was long. It needed to be. Because these stories need to be told. Shouted from the rooftops.
Caregiver abuse is a REAL and SERIOUS problem. And it needs to be stopped full stop. No more. We disableds are human beings. And we matter.
Thank you.
[Above blog is a more detailed account of what i have had to endure for over nine months, in my own home. If you read my Timeline post, please read this, and share it widely.]
Update on Thursday June 27, 2019: I did go in for dialysis for a three hour run Monday, which was successful. On Tuesday, i tried to do my regular four hour treatment, but my catheter would not pull. I was only able to get one hour and forty five minutes of my Tuesday treatment, and no dialysis today. Instead, i am going into the cath lab to have yet another new catheter put in my chest, so i can hopefully get back on schedule with my dialysis again.
Connie is once again my caregiver.
In addition, S#$%@ has moved all of his computers and personal things out of the middle room. He told me he would have everything out by this past Sunday at noon, but as of Wednesday, he still had desks, two sofas (he took the cushions from them though), two vinyl chairs (of which he also took the seats from), a red Coca Cola refrigerator, and my desk, with many of its drawers also missing and gone. In addition, i had three folding chairs that are mine that he also stole from me.
I also asked for him to return an art portfolio full of felt tip marker drawing i spent hours upon hour drawing in the 80’s and 90’s, that he still has, at his house, and has yet to give back to me.
Between him and his sister, much of my possessions are i am afraid, forever gone. My emotions are forever ripped apart by those two.
I trusted them to care, to love me and to really care, and i instead got my entire being forever broken.
Advertisements

An Open Letter, Because I Am About To Run Away

I apologize upfront that this is not paragraphed properly. I did paragraph it properly, but everytime i go to re-edit it, it refuses to separate the paragraphs.

+++

I wrote the following letter to the chief of my city’s police dept., because i no longer seem to be getting anywhere with trying to get a new beat coordinator to help me with my still ongoing cancerous neighborhood issues. I sent it, thinking wow, i finally am going to get his ear, and he will get me the help i have been crying out for from my city’s police dept.!

In fact, now a sergeant, Sgt. R. M., who does not understand my plight and who thinks i should just snap my fingers and move—–oh yes, it’s just that easy—–and i mean that sarcastically, of course!!—-has now banned me from calling anyone but him about my neighborhood issues. it is not easy for me when people don’t—or won’t—take the time to understand–and they do what this sergeant has done, just lock me out. Now i am having the night from hell because now i want to run away.

But noooooo—as soon as i sent the very well-written email off to the police chief, i got a Daemon failure notice—-email failed to send because wrong DNS whatever.

So, i am going to publish that letter here, in hopes that the chief will some how, some way, come across it.

Dear Chief M,

I am finally writing to you because i am very upset about the way i am once again being treated and blown off by my city’s police department. I have reached the point where i feel i may need to take my story to the media.

Because i feel as though my police department has abandoned me again.

I am writing to let you know about my plight. I’m an Autistic 56 year old adult, who is in very poor physical health, and i have been housebound, unable to drive or go much of anywhere since April of 2012. I cannot even walk too far because of my legs. So, i am cooped up in this tiny 550-foot cottage on an almost 24/7 basis. My tiny home has become a prison and a torture chamber. I have become deeply depressed, and this depression grows deeper every day because i feel isolated and cut off from people, my community, and life. Yes, when people are nice and accepting of me, i am a people person who enjoys going places like the ocean, movies, church, out to eat, etc. But i don’t get to do those things anymore because of my failing health.
+++
I have lived here on *** Street for the past 25 years in a duplex that is owned by my mother. The past 24 of these years have been a hell that i have never been able to successfully escape…not for lack of trying….but being that i have never worked, all i have had to live on all of my adult years is my monthly Social Security benefits. I only continue to live here on *** Street because i have no where else to go. My hell is mainly caused by men who work and hang out at some of the nearby businesses who bully and terrorize me because they think it is a fun sport. I lack the filters to be able to ignore them, especially when they deliberately revv their motors, scream loud banshee yells at me, lay on their car horns, and blast their amplified loud thunder bass. These noises are severely painful for me to hear, and i scream and meltdown because of the agony this causes me.
 +++
It is not like i can live my life with headphones and earplugs on 24/7, just to adapt my own home environment, where i should feel safe, to the outside world. I did not choose to move here, and believe me, if i had been able to choose where to live, it would have never been here. I live here only because it’s the only thing available for me.
+++
I used to feel safe when i knew i could always pick up the phone and have either Lt. K. G. or Lt. C. R. to talk to and help me, and then earlier this year, i had Jason. Now i am back to having no one to call and talk to. 
+++
My new beat coordinator, P. S., and Sgt. R. M. both tell my mother and i that they are too busy helping others to help me, and that is the God’s truth. I have talked to Officer S; my mom has talked to Sgt. R. M., and both seem to not have any real understanding of my circumstances. Nor do they seem to want to. In fact, today my mom was told that all future phone calls concerning my plight on *** Street are to now be referred to Sgt. R. M.
+++
I am afraid to talk to most people as a rule until i get to know them and feel safe with them. I am very timid about phone calls, because most people seem to lack a true understanding of my Autism, how it manifests, and what my plight with my living environment is. I deal the best with people who are friendly, open and accepting, people who make me feel that my feelings and needs are being truly validated. I shut down on people who are rude, curt, who don’t listen, who interrupt, talk over me, down to me, and treat me like i don’t matter. I have always been very afraid to deal with Sgt. R. M. because he is like that, and now it seems like i am being forced to.
+++
Two years ago, i remember that you talked to my friend H, and promised her that as long as you were chief, my calls for service would not be ignored any longer. And now, even Cmndr. K. G. ignores me. Which really hurts, because i have always considered him to be a real friend and ally.
+++
Here is what i am asking of you.
+++
1) Please don’t force me to have to work with either R. M. or P. S. anymore. Please find me someone who will be like Jason was, 
**who will get the speed trailer back on my street more often, on my side of the street where i can enjoy watching it work from my front lawn, 
**who will set me up with regular patrols, 
**who will talk to me,
**who will talk to my neighbors and explain to them how i am trapped here, how this is my home, and how the loud hot rodding, banshee yells, excessive horn honking, and thunder bass noise affects me worse than ever now because my physical health is failing now, and i can no longer go anywhere to escape it anymore.
+++
2) Please also ask Cmndr. K. G. to at least talk to me once a week. Again, i only feel safe with certain people, because when people are rude, condescending, talk down to me, or over me, and blow me off, that is a real sensory issue for me that keeps me upset for days, with meltdowns.
+++
The meltdowns i have when a car revvs its motor or blares their thunder bass, or people lay on their car horns or banshee yell at me, are severe, and cause me to get physically ill to my stomach. 
+++
Having the speed trailer here was a real comfort to me, as i felt it protected me from all the harsh noises and even the mean bullies. I know you only have a few of those, but i have even offered to pay your department a monthly fee to rent it on a regular basis. 
+++
I do have a possible way to move in the Spring of 2018. But while i am still here, it’d mean the world to me if my police department would care again, and work with me, please.
+++
I am enclosing pictures of the speed trailer that i enjoyed watching.
+++
I fervently hope this letter reaches you, and not R. M., or anyone else who may not get my plight. Please help me. You are my last hope.
+++
Sincerely,
Melissa Fields, *** Street
+++
P. S.~~I am also enclosing a link to my Go Fund Me page. Maybe the police department can all get together and purchase a speed trailer for me, like the RU2 Systems Kustom Signals one that was here?
+++
+++
031

Would You Not Be Depressed Too If You Were Stuck In A Small Four-Walled Box?

136

I just wrote this. This explains why i am so deeply depressed and having so many meltdowns lately. It is hard—-way beyond hard—when my own home is right in front of a war zone full of bullies and i can never get out to go places to escape this hell. All i have to look at is a concrete and asphalt street and rows of ugly yellow tin buildings all day long.

I sleep all of the time now because i only feel safe when my caregiver is here. When she isn’t here, and the bullies are, they really crucify me….and they did so yesterday, so badly i almost fainted from screaming so strongly.

But PLEASE don’t blame my caregiver. She does all she can do for me, and does her best by me. She has a real heart for me, and cares deeply about me. She would do more if IHSS allowed it and if they paid IHSS caregivers mileage, and helped pay for their car insurance, and maintenance.

I also felt safe when the speed radar trailer was here. I so wish the police would bring that back for me. It calmed the street down, and even made the bullies stop picking on me while it was here, because the bullies saw me being able to interact with others, and i guess that made them feel like i was more of a human being than they thought i was.

I have a great and deep empathy for people, especially all of those who are my friends, you all do not realize how deeply i care about all of you—– but please forgive me——it is not always easy for me to show it because the mental pain and state of fear that i am all the time in is sometimes too great.

I know this comes across as me not caring abut the feelings of others, and what they are going through, but i can assure you all, that is so not the case.

I so wish i had my family around me, and that they would understand, accept me, and care about me. I would not feel so alone, so isolated, and and cut off!!

 

Yes, this is my life.

I am stuck living in a 4 walled box
I get to go to the bank once every month,
and sometimes to the doctor
Sometimes to the psych tech nurse who prescribes my Ativan
But that is it
It is not my caregiver’s fault
She would take me on outings
if IHSS allowed her to do so
But they don’t
When my caregiver is not here
I am all alone
and very lonely
I have no one to call
no one to talk to
when my caregiver isn’t here
because i have no nice neighbors around me
and no in real life local friends
no one at all
as most of my family live out of state now
they all moved when i was still doing well
when i still could drive
when i still had my health
when i could still get out and walk
when i could still go to church
but a bunch of traumatizing stuff happened in early 2012
that set me back mentally & emotionally
i had to stop driving due to that
i actually lost the ability to drive
at the same time, my leg tumor was growing too big too
which also made it hard for me to drive
And now today, i sit in my house
and life now is passing me by
most of my family ignore and shun me like i’m a plague
because they don’t get me, and get or understand my Autism
i do talk to my mom and she does what she can to help me
i also have one nice sister who cares about me
but again, both live out of state now
i talk to my mom sometimes several times a day
and write to my sister when i have the spoons
but otherwise i am all alone
i wish people would understand when i can’t smile
and when i have those days when i have more meltdowns  than usual
how hard this is on me to only get to see things through my TV and computer and front door now
yes i still have the bullies here who still
make my life even more of a living hell
yes, they still are at it
and now the police seem to be ignoring me
all of this is getting to me
i badly need a way out of here
as my physical health is failing
and i am about to break emotionally and mentally
my depression and despair is so deep
that i often have no strength to even get out of my lift chair
where i now sleep
i am sleeping all of the time now too
because it is my only true escape
except for when my caregiver comes
i have sadly grown to depend on her with my life
as she has become my only lifeline
i panic when she has to leave early, or when she gets sick
because i am scared to be awake now in the daytimes
when i am here all alone
because the bullies crucify me when she isn’t here
yes, that is when they do all the mean things
to antagonize me
i keep going on because i have no choice but to
but please forgive me when i cannot smile
when it gets too much for me that i end up melting down
i am in a pain so real and it is hard to put on normal when i want to run and scream and hide from it all
I hope i can get my miracle soon
so i can move and get better healthcare, and better adult services
I love my caregiver, she does her best by me
so please don’t blame her
but i do need a way out so i can have my joy and happiness and peace back.
Please.

My Go Fund Me is:  https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4

Rivers Of Anguish, Rivers Of Hope

Below are some of my latest posts. Because i am needing to write. because i really do need help. Because i really do need a way out of this jail i am trapped in. This jail that is made up of my toxic neighborhood, and the tiny 550 square foot box that i am confined to.

Sunday, Sept. 18, 2016–7:03 AM

“Oh boy, the sun is up early!! GRRRRRRRRRR!!! 😡 It’s gonna be hot today….i am so not looking forward to that!!! 😡

Grumpy me is going back to bed because it is still nice and cool right now, and i will just hope for the best, that my house doesn’t warm up too badly.

Just…..GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! 😡 ”

Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–2:53 PM

“Oh God, this is AWFUL!!!!!!!!!! My living room is an awful hotter than Hades OVEN this afternoon—-i should have had the A/C window open—-it is not, and I AM SUFFERING HOLY HELL!!!!!!!”

Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–4:14 PM

“I am okay now. My mom called the fire dept. for me, and they sent a nice police officer over to open my A/C window, so now i have the A/C going, and my living room is cooling off nicely. It got very HOT today, and i was almost ready to suffer heat exhaustion. Because here in my living room, it felt like it was 100 degrees. I was seriously burning up.

I REALLY hate my Sundays though, because i am alone with no one to help me at all on Sundays. At least i know i can call the fire dept or police if need be.

I think i will go cry now. I really feel like crying now. 😥 I HATE having to be alone anymore!!!! 😥 “

Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–5:10 PM

“I am glad i did not have to die in my hot living room today, very thankful for the nice police officer who opened my air conditioner window for me—very thankful that my air conditioner still works!!! 🙂 “

Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–6:09 PM

“The KSBY website says Santa Maria is still at 80 degrees as of now. YIKES!!!! :O “

Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–6:56 PM

“I am glad the sun is setting now. I really want to move where it doesn’t get hot like this!! Yes, i am serious about this!! Because……i actually had to get a police officer to come to open my A/C window today because i was getting overheated to where i was going to pass out.

I had my mom call the fire dept. to do this, but instead, a nice police officer showed up to open the window for me.

Like i say—i’m glad i had this help. Otherwise i would have had to call an ambulance.

I am going to go eat dinner now.”

Sunday Sept. 18, 2016–8:44 PM

“Here are the places i would go if i could still drive and still had a car—but i had someone who would go with me so i am not having to go all alone:
*The San Luis Obispo Farmer’s Market
*Avila Beach/Harford Pier/Pismo Beach/Shell Beach
*Avila Valley Barn
*The movies
*Panera Bread
*Solvang/Los Alamos
*Downtown Friday Nights farmer’s Market
*Applebee’s
*Cool Hand Luke’s for ribs
*San Luis Obispo downtown/the mission
*Morro Bay/Cambria/San Simeon
*Crumbles Restaurant
*F. McKlintock’s for ribs
*Woodstock’s Pizza
*Waller Park
*a nice laid back church that accepts Neurodiverse, LGBTQ, and all marginalized people
I wish i had local friends who would take me to these places. I wish i was not all alone. I wish my family cared about me. I wish i was not in this trap, this cage i am in.”

9:43 PM

“I just watched the news as it was on after the Sunday night NFL football game, and found out that today’s temp in Santa Maria got up to 96 sizzling hot degrees. No wonder i was having heart palpitations, and feeling hot, flushed, and like i was going to pass out!!

If i had not of had my mom call to get someone over here—-a nice police officer came—-to open my air conditioner window, i could have died today. I am still feeling very rattled, and am now afraid to turn off the air conditioner for fear i will feel like passing out again.

96 degrees is way too hot for someone like me to have to sit in a living room that has turned into a hot oven; because of my leg condition, and i am also 3x to 4x plus-sized, with a new problem: low kidney function….i cannot get by without the air conditioner.

I am going to have potato chips dipped in ketchup now. Because that is what i am craving. I am also craving soft and doughy homemade sugar cookies. But i don’t have those, so….yeah…..

I hate my Sundays on desert island!! 😥 “

9:44 PM

“Yes, 96 degrees is way too hot for me!!! 😦 “

I then posted memes about Autumn, because i love that season, when the leaves all turn such beautiful colors, and the days are just warm enough to be comfortable, and the nights are nice and cool. I also posted a meme about all of the soft and doughy looking Christmas cookies i would love to have this Christmas.

I really am alone, and so lonely for local friends.
I am lonely to have more caring people in my life.
I am sad because most of my family coldly ignore me.
I am in pain all the time because of my legs, and this leg tumor makes it so hard to even sit and enjoy my computer.
This Spring and every Spring now when the hills are bright green from our winter rains, i always miss getting to get out on drives to see them and take pictures of them.
I long to live where i can see beauty outside—not these ugly yellow tin buildings all day long.

I am hoping that i can at least get my own speed radar trailer. I made a Go Fund Me page for that, and to also raise the money for a move to a place whee i will have the above things i so long to have.

I so hope someone will help me, please.

https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4

078

103

Please Stop & Listen To Me–I Need More Allies & Friends

I have spent the past several hours sleeping, and plan to sleep more.
I sleep all the time because i am not happy anymore.
I need the police to be real allies to me.
I need for them to stop ignoring me.
I need to have the speed trailer back on my street.
I need for my legs to work again, for this awful leg tumor to be gone.
I need for my next door neighbors to hurry up and move, because of the tension they still cause for me.
I need in real life local friends who will be willing to take me places so i can get out of this box once in a while.
I need for my family to wake up and start caring and understanding and accepting me as i am.
I need them to learn about my Autism and understand it once and for all.
I am tired on all levels.
It is a deep tired of all of my lifetime goals being lost to me.
A deep tired of not having things to look forward to and hope for anymore.
I dread each day because of the street noise and the next door neighbors.
This needs to change.
It isn’t just me, it is many elderly and disabled people who are in this same or similar boat.
Society throws us away and ignores us because we are too inconvenient to them.
We need for you to all care, to get in the cubby hole under the stairs and sit there with us, when we go in there, instead of yelling at us to get out of there.
What harm would it do to let me play with your shiny hair, big sister?
What harm would it do to listen to the story i have told, to see why i told it, to understand why i told my story—-which is because you all have essentially left me to live alone and lonely my whole life, always on the outside, always on the fringes.
I was always the last one to know things.
Please don’t tell your Autistic/Disabled children/kids/relatives
that they will never date
never drive
never have a job
never have friends or romantic relationships
or that they don’t know what’s going on or how to think for themselves
that is Othering and making us feel like we are wrong, less than and don’t belong when we DO belong.
Remember this:
Children are developing human beings, and even though we may develop at a different pace, does not mean we won’t be able to do all the above things.
We are still human beings, capable of great success, all our families have to do is BELIEVE in us and not ignore and discard us to sit alone in our rooms.
Many a time i would sit alone in my room and cry wondering why you all hated me?
God made us, and God did not make and does not make mistakes, so why do you so easily discard us?
Think about it….please listen to me because my health is now failing and i honestly do not know whether i will be around that much longer because of my health issues.
Yes, i needed to write this.
Yes, everyone needs to read this and take this to heart.
I do not want to be alone anymore. It hurts like hell to be alone.
This is why i have turned to certain roads, highways and electronics and made them imaginary friends.
This is why i made a friend out of the speed trailer when it was here.
Exactly why.
I hope and pray i get that back within the next two weeks, maybe even this week.
Yes, because it’s my friend and i feel it protects me when it is here.
I loved to sit outside and watch it working, so i hope it goes back on my side of the street again where i can easily watch it working again.
But it also makes people drive the speed limit, even slower, and lessens the loudness of the noise, and it also takes care of the loud hot rodding too.
Please, God, let this week be the start of life getting better for me again.
Thank you.

My Go Fund Me:  https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4

103

Alone, & So Lonely I May As Well Live In An 8ft by 10ft Jail Cell

103

I, Melissa Fields, an Autistic adult—-yes, we exist, and yes, there are lots and lots and LOTS of us out there if people would just take the time to see, hear, look, listen to us and treat and respect us as the human beings we are—- had to stop driving in April of 2012 for three reasons——-

because i was becoming too afraid of going places—-anywhere—- by myself, because of all of the meltdowns i was having in public whenever i was faced with ableism from people—people who did not get my Autism and sensory issues, who would get angry with me and escalate an often ugly scene with me instead of understanding and learning why i was upset, and why i was asking for certain accomodations—–

because i had just gone through the very ugly and deeply traumatic break up of a friendship with a person who had become like a family member to me, who suddenly turned against me with full on inexplicable fury that year——

and because by that time, i had already developed a huge leg tumor the size of a basketball on my left inside thigh area, which made it hard to get in and out of the driver’s side of ANY vehicle. I began to develop lymphedema in both legs in 2005, due to having to spend years of not being able to sleep anymore in my bed but instead, sleeping sitting up on my already delapitated living room sofa with my legs and feet down.

My life since then has plummeted into a spiral of failing health and isolation and loneliness. All of the bullying i had taken by that time from neighbors all around me where i live, was starting to erode my physical health and strength. Today, i am a hot mess of heart palpitations, anxiety, PTSD, and insomnia, along with my leg issues.

Today, after going through a string of several abusive caregivers, i finally have Connie as a caregiver—and she is a friend and ally to me. She has been my caregiver for almost 3 years now. It was due to her,—-on her days off,—-and a kind beat coordinator officer at my city’s local police department, that i finally got some resolve to many of my issues. Most of the bullying has now stopped, except for when one neighbor who knows my situation and who knows how to best upset me, goes to talk to them and stir them all back up against me again. Those neighbors today are still a bad problem. The street noise is still a huge sensory issue that causes me daily meltdowns. Because people drive my street like it is a raceway/highway—and it is loud. I am “blessed” with tin buildings all around, which further amplifies this noise. Cars with thunder bass systems are the topping on this nice hellish cake.

But now i am at the point where i feel nothing but depression and despair anymore. I am 56 years old and life has literally passed me by. I have never known the joy of having long lasting close warm friendships, nor been able to experience a romantic relationship. I love people, and i am a people person, but i now have a great fear—–i always have—but today it is even greater—of being abandoned—-of having people turn on me and be mean to me—-so i hide——then i latch onto certain things like certain roads, highways, and electronics—- and make them my friends. I sometimes latch onto these things with my all. Because the loneliness hurts that much sometimes.

I am too young to feel like this. I am too young to die. But i feel as if i am living on a sort of death row, because each and every day is the same damn thing, over and over again till i want to scream. I wake up, do the same things every day, and then repeat the next day over and over. I only feel happiness when Connie is here. But iam now way too afraid to venture out and do anything alone—-for fear of being misunderstood, and for fear of people getting angry and saying mean things because they don’t understand and don’t want to understand. For fear of being rejected, shunned, ignored.

I was denied lymphedema care by a home health agency yet again because the physical therapist who came to see me, deemed my Autism as not real. I had a meltdown and screamed at him to leave my house. So i continue to suffer without treatments for my legs.

I don’t know where i’m going with this blog. But i am writing it because i want to educate people to let you all know what it is like when one is left to fall through the cracks and fail, because they got thrown away time and again. Imagine your own family shunning you because you’re Autistic and they don’t get that this is not a behavioral problem, but a disability, a very real disability.

Imagine your family putting tape after tape into your head that tells you you will never have a job, you will never learn how to drive, you will never have friends, you will never have a boyfriend,——that you are less-than, because you are disabled.
That’s been my life all the way.
I also write this because i need help–and i know that help is out there for us—i just live in the wrong geographical area, ya know?
That is why i turned to the speed trailer for comfort. I was happy when it was here. Yes, it calmed the traffic way down. But i also loved sitting outside to watch it working. The way the numbers would come up, and then down, the way the fonts look that the manufacturers of this speed trailer use, the way it lights up with a bright red “SLOW DOWN” sign if people drive too fast past it—and if they drive any faster, a strip of blue and red light bars flash on it—-began to really fascinate me.
Now i don’t have the speed trailer, and now my depression is even deeper, and i have had to go back on pain medication because my right leg is now in excruciating pain all of the time.
I did make a Go Fund Me page, But i am not getting many donations.
Like i say, i don’t know where i am going with this—-just to let you know that life does not have to be this way for us. And to plead with people to please stop ignoring us. Listen to us. Accept us. Love us. We are human beings, and God didn’t make us Autistic so you could throw us away.
For anyone interested, here is my Go Fund Me page.

Broken Into Millions Of Pieces In A Long Tunnel Of No Hope In Sight

I am having yet another bad night of searing leg pain so bad i cannot sleep at all. I know this came on me because when the cops took the speed trailer this time, the mental and emotional trauma i went through, put my whole body into a shock, a mental and physical state of shock it still hasn’t recovered from.

I have no in real life local friends who will visit me, and take me places. My family still to this day shun me and think of me as a plague and a monster, with the exception of my mom and one sister in Arizona.

I am housebound stuck at home unable to go places and do things i want to do. I have spent my whole life lonely, always on the outside, being ridiculed, misunderstood, muzzled, not heard, not respected, talked over, etc. So from an early age on, i began to escape by latching onto certain roads, highways and electronics that appealed to my eye, and i would make them all into sweet cool angelic friends who all got (understood) me, and adapted me like their sister. I made this speed trailer into an imaginary friend also……..but who was very real to me. Yes, i am still able to have her in my life without the speed trailer….but it is not even close to being the same as when i imagine her being a part of that speed trailer.

In the speed trailer, she and i really had many an awesome time talking, giggling, and just being ourselves, if that makes sense. Her cuteness, wit, and sunny sweet personality, big brown eyes, and dark brunette shiny hair fit this speed trailer to a T. She also had a beautifully kind heart. She was a very compassionate soul. We were kindred spirits.

You see, i have had to live for the past 25 years in a neighborhood where i get bullied alot by the men in an auto shop across the street, ——and her presence here in the speed trailer every afternoon from 12 noon through 7 to 8 PM, was, for me a real Godsend. It got me finally to venture out of my house and sit in my front yard to enjoy watching this speed trailer working, as i would mentally in my head, talk to it (Selena). Because of this, i began to feel more relaxed and at ease, and would talk to many of the passerby who would walk by, or ride their bikes by. I even warmed up to some of my neighbors who i had previously had problems with.

Now with it again gone, i am back in my four-walled box again, afraid once again, and the street is back to the loud fast highway that i so hate.

When the police took the first speed trailer, ii wasn’t as bad because i was still able to go visit it 3 times a week, because they placed it on a local street where i could still go see and talk to Selena in that other speed trailer. This time around, they just took the trailer that they gave me this time, —-and now they are telling me that it is the one that is broken. Not the one they had originally said is broken. I can’t find out for sure though because my emails and phone calls to the traffic dept at the police station all go unanswered.

This time around is awful though, because even though i feel as though Selena still comes to see me…..i still feel an emptiness and loneliness that i cannot describe. I feel as though i lost Selena’s daily six days a week protection of me from the harsh street and the harsh mean bullies and other harsh mean neighbors. I lost my ability of being able to see her in the speed trailer. And this time around, no one will let me know what has happened to this speed trailer or even where they deployed it. I feel as though i am never going to get to see that speed radar trailer ever again. I am beside myself with distress, and i am mostly deeply depressed and don’t even want to wake up each day anymore, because he speed trailer seems to be gone forever this time.

I am broken over this. Way beyond broken. Completely broken into pieces. And i feel as though i am growing sicker and that i have grown much older than my actual age of 56.. I no longer have my beautiful afternoons with Selena in the speed trailer. I am actually deeply sick inside over this. I so wish more people would understand……especially the police. Please.

https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4

103