This following post about my relationship with R, was originally written on March 14, 2012……
It is alittle after 2:00 in the morning here, and all is quiet. With R, my next door neighbor who vowed to me and my mom both that he would always be my friend and ally, now turned against me, for no reason at all, i feel even more like a caged up animal here. Though i will not ever harm myself, i do very much want to just roll up and die, when these things happen to me…again, and again, and again. I am devastated beyond belief that Angelica, the sweet new friend i met here on Facebook who lives here locally, never showed up to my house yesterday afternoon, and then, when i went to message her to find out if she was still coming, i made the shocking discovery that she had now shut the door on me by defriending and blocking me, after promising to be here for me, and to help me to find a way out of here. I don’t know why this keeps happening to me, why i kep getting the promise of help and support, and then it gets repeatedly tasken away from me again…. and it is utterly discouraging to me. With Angelica, i can only assume that because i personally witnessed her give R her phone number when she came to see me Monday night to check up on me, that R may of called her later on, out of spite, proceeded to tell her a pack of lies about me…not saying this happened, but it is my strong hunch that this is what did occur. I am still devastated..because i have gone through this kind of rejection over and over again. But for now…i feel a weird sense of peace…like God is, indeed, hearing my cries and my pain.
I did not ask for this kind of life….but for some odd reason, God allows some of us to come into this world Autistic. And God does not make mistakes. He made those of us who are Autistic, Autistic for a reason. Not so we would be cursed and shunned and abused and exploited and misunderstood and misjudged. Over and over again. Just because some in society still don’t want to understand. My autism..is something that has been with me my whole life, and the way people treat me because of my Autism, causes life to be an immense, and never-ending challenge, struggle, and battle. I love my Autistic-ness..but i am a complex soul who has gone her whole life without the supports and interventions i have needed which would have helped me greatly in life to be able to have a better chance at a somewhat normal existence……with my Autism. But since that never happened for me, and i grew up with so many people misunderstanding me, misjudging me, and walking away….i have become even more of a complex soul, even more fearful, and even more set in my ways, hang-ups and rituals. Compounding the problem, is that for the past 30 years i have been unable to get off of the government aid and make something of myself in life…and for the past 20 years, i have had the unfortunate luck of having to move to a neighborhood that has been mostly hostile and downright cruel towards me…because of the way i am. And that is wrong. No one should be made to feel like they are less-than and dirt for being disabled.
I am not a monster. I am not mean. I am not cruel to others. I have a heart, and i would give anyone the shirt off of my back. But when people see my outward appearance, my meltdowns, and my weight and looks…i am misjudged and thrown away..or worse yet, i get the type of friends who take advantage of me because..well, they think they can.
If R is the Christian he has always professed to be, then why in Heaven’s name has he turned on me like this again? And why is it that this time, it seems like he wants to walk away permanently? What did i do? I never know when he gets like this. Because when he and i have our bad spells….he has never ever come out and admitted his part in these spells…but he still always manages to smooth things over anyway….he seems to be very crafty at doing this, and then we go on, friends again, for two, to three to four more months, until he gets in the bad mood again. Only this time, he is also making threats to sue my mom….and he is making alot of judgements of me that are unfair and cruel. In addition, he is now blaring, every afternoon, the kind of music he knows upsets me and makes me relive my painful childhood. What does the Bible have to say about those who oppress those who are poor, weak, widowed and orphaned? Alot!! God does not like it when anyone mistreats a poor person…especially if that person is a professed Believer!!
I don’t know what else to say, just that i will survive this one too. But this is a part of my story. A story that needs to be told…because this is real. And this is hell.
And i need help….please….!!!!! Thank you…and God bless you all!!