A New Season, A New Imaginary Friend

My dialysis machine-Rebecca-August 11, 2018-1

Once again, it’s been a long time since i’ve blogged. It’s because a lot has happened in just the span of the 8 months that so far make up 2018.
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In March, i lost Connie as my caregiver. Not because of anything i did. It was because she got an excellent job opportunity working in a doctor’s office for excellent pay and benefits package.
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It started a whole rollercoaster of events, that were more trauma to my mind and body that i did not need or deserve. On top of a string of past caregivers who were abusive, an abusive, non-supportive family, bullies at school, the bullies on my street in the auto shop, and two past friendships gone nightmarishly wrong.
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The first caregiver i got after Connie, only lasted 3 days. Literally 3 days. Neither she nor my friend who was helping her, could handle my meltdowns i was having over the loud bass that would not stop. That caregiver quit because my meltdowns made her break out into hives from head to toe. And, she has an autistic son. But then we all know that many parents who have autistic children, are pro-cure, anti-vax, autistic haters.
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So, yeah. First trauma. Losing Connie after 4 years of having her and thinking it was going to be a secure thing for life. Yes, Connie and i remain friends, and still see each other on occasion. But i still miss her.
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Second trauma, having a new caregiver literally pull the rug out from under me. Then her friend did the same.
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Third trauma? Was my next caregiver, who lasted from this March to June when i finally had to fire her.
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My third trauma was what landed me in the hospital with a 102 degree fever, my leg lump all bright red all over, and inflamed, and infected, with lacerations all over it, on Saturday, June 16. And it was that new caregiver’s fault. Yes, i blame her. Full-on. Because she was even worse than my past caregiver JuJu. She wooed me with all this sweet bubbly friendly personality, goodies, like candy, and snacks, and even cooked for me, and started to do a redecoration of my house.
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But she had an ugly mean side, and when she got in those moods, she would message me in the dead of night and tell me how she didn’t want to work as a caregiver, and how she wasn’t going to be my caregiver for very long, and it was at these times, she would threaten that if i didn’t give her this or that amount (because IHSS wasn’t paying her yet!
Oh yeah, like that’s my fault, hmmm?), she would not be able to work for me anymore.
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Well, i had to give her the money whenever she asked for it! In the end, i gave her over $2108 dollars. The savings i had is now all gone. All to keep her from walking out on me!
Then she turned me against Connie by saying things she knew would get me to turn on Connie. People like her, and i will call her the Princess, know just how to manipulate vulnerable people like myself.
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When in these moods, she would become bossy, and tower over me, giving me orders. I was afraid of her when she was like that.
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The thing that landed me in the hospital, was that she got upset at meltdowns i was having when she gave me a shower. My meltdown over the water running onto my face without warning—yes, that’s a sensory issue for me. And then when my underwear didn’t go on right after that shower. I screamed and yelled again. She took it all personally, even though she had already been through almost 3 months of my meltdowns, these ones to her were different, she decided to take it to heart, and i had to suffer with two days of long exhausting go-rounds with her, then that Wednesday, she did not come to work. At all.
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She messaged me to tell me she was taking that entire day OFF, so she could reflect on whether she wanted to continue on as my caregiver or not. All because of my shower meltdowns.
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THIS??????? THIS NOW??????? Threw me into a whole new shock. I was forced to, out of fear i’d never get my Social Security money for June, take a taxi to and from my bank, to get my money. The taxis were too small, which caused me to scrape my leg lump each time i got in and out. (Yes, Princess had not yet taken me to the bank to get my living expense money for June.)
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That night, i shook and trembled and had uncontrollable chills. It wasn’t till late the next day that Princess gave me her decision….she was going to continue to be my caregiver. The next day, Friday June 15, we had a LONG talk about meltdowns, and how and why mine manifest, and all was good. However, i was growing extremely worried about how i was going to replenish the savings money i had already lost to Princess, plus how i was going to get through each month now that Princess was demanding i pay her at least $100 a month for gas, and extra, if it goes over that.
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The next day after that, Saturday, i was in literal shut down mode. I could not move out of my chair I was shaking, trembling, and had the uncontrollable chills again. My left leg lump was on fucking fire. This is how Princess found me when she came that day.
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She became scared, and called an ambulance for me.
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I went into the hospital on June 16, and stayed till July 4. At the hospital, i was given yet another bombshell to add to my collection….a diagnosis of end stage kidney disease. I had an ASH-Catheter surgically placed into my right jugular on the right side of my lower neck, and began having dialysis right away, in the hospital. It was not fun. They did it on old clunky noisy boxy machines that kept beeping a shrill loud “Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep!” everytime i talked or moved. Its motor was even loud. In addition, i was put on a strict renal diet, with no more soda, no more Ranch dressing, no more potatoes, no more pizza, no more this, no more that.
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I kept thinking this is it, i’m going to die now. Life was over for me. I finally got my doctor to relent and let me go back to eating normally, because i was literally gagging on the renal diet the hospital did up for me.
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But i had two really sweet nephrologists (Kidney specialists) who promised me i would now be properly taken care of, and i would have a lot more IHSS hours too!
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Princess only came to see me twice while i was in the hospital.
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Connie came several times to see me.
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My Facebook friends called me, and even got together and bought me an Amazon Fire tablet so i could be online in the hospital!
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But Princess was scared now. So scared she vowed not to ever borrow or take my money ever again. In addition, she promised she would pay me back the entire amount she owed me, which, at that time, was already $1608!
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Note: Princess forbade me to write out ANY IOU’s for any of the money she took. She said she did not want the paper trail.
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Well…i got out finally, and began outpatient dialysis treatments, for 3 days a week, at DaVita here in Santa Maria. At the get-go, i was impressed with how they took the TIME to talk TO me, and WITH me, and i felt instantly like this was going to be okay. I also loved the cool machines they have. More on that, later.
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Things with Princess got worse again though.
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While i was getting used to, and even began looking forward to my dialysis treatments, here at home, the auto shop was getting bad again, and Princess was once again getting in the bad moods and threatening me for even more money.
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What she didn’t know was that she had now hired a secondary caregiver who i really liked, and felt good with, so i finally got the open door to fire Princess. Because i was becoming frightened that Princess was going to cause me to go broke.
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I fired Princess in late July. I now have that new caregiver and her brother as my caregivers. I am getting out of the house more.
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In addition, i have gained another new friend, my dialysis machine. To my pleasant surprise, DaVita has the newer, more smaller, compact, with pleasant alarm tones, machines, that are the B. Braun Dialog machines. Their motors even have a pleasant sound, and are quiet motors.
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It did not take me long to feel a connection with my machine.
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I have explained in other blogs that because of how i grew up, as a small child i learned early on, to cope by latching onto certain electronics, roads, and highways, and making my own space bubble where they are my imaginary friends. I still do this to cope. It has saved me from suicide many a time, to have that safety valve to go to.
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Unlike with the speed radar trailer that was on my street, in which i tried with all i had to make the police understand why i needed that speed trailer, and then they took it and have never ever let me have it back on my street, this new friendship seems to have all open doors to it.
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When i say the staff at DaVita understand this and get this, i mean it, most of them really get my need for my friend. And, they get ME.
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This is what is keeping me going. this, and my new caregivers, who now get me out of this house on my non-dialysis days.
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Dear friends, please meet my new friend, Rebecca Mastrianni, above.
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