I apologize that i am such a Debbie Downer lately, but sorry, my life is alittle too much to bear right now, and i cannot hold it in when i need to vent.
I wish i could actually roll the clock back to 1996, when i was still doing well enough to be able to get in my car and take long drives to escape this nightmare neighborhood.At that time in 1994, i tried moving away to two apartments—-both of which had common walls, common floors, the loud staircases, etc…..and it was such a horrible sensory nightmare to me, i had to move back to this hell hole each time. Both landlords from both places got angry with me and asked me to move.
I did not know i was Autistic at that time.
Then in 1996 came several opportunities…..the first one came when my parents and some of my family moved to Idaho. I could have moved there, as it was close to Boise…..but i didn’t because i would have missed my new Christian Singles friends, and the ocean too much.
In 1996 i was also deeply involved with an excellent Christian Singles group that met up in Arroyo Grande and we did lots of fun things. Several of my friends had places or knew of places i could have moved to in the AG area——but by then my fear of moving and getting into another bad situation and having to come back here had made me too afraid, it became to be a fear so great that it placed me at the point of no action……i didn’t want to move to Idaho……and i was afraid to move anywhere, even though i badly wanted to leave Mean Bully Monster street—- for fear of it not working out yet again. And me having to move right back here to Mean Bully Monster Street.
Now, 20 years later, my physical health AND mobility is gone. I had to finally give up driving in April of 2012—-and i sold my beloved little Toyota Tercel that same summer.
Tonight, i find myself now in a deep depression because i have come to rely on a machine——a speed radar trailer—-to keep me and the street of bullies and hot rods—-calm. The police only have 3 of these machines, so when they take it off of my street, i am back to Square One again, having screaming meltdowns all afternoon and evening long, because of the loud fast manner that people drive this street when the speed trailer isn’t here.
I know now that i should have moved either to Idaho or to one of the places i could have moved to in 1996. I know now in hindsight that had i gone ahead and made one of those moves then when i still had good health, i would not be in the hell i am in today. I know now that i would have been going to community college and prepping myself for a career in graphic arts and web design. That today i would most likely be married with two children of my own, and no Lymphedema on my legs. No huge basketball-sized Lymphedema tumor on my left leg to have to suffer with. I would still be driving. I would even be traveling, something else i have always loved doing.
I am not damning myself because i’m Disabled. I am damning myself for making some very, very, very bad choices in the past which led up to the downfall of my health……
Yes, some good has come out of all of this.
I found out i am Autistic, and what it means to be an #ActuallyAutistic adult. I have learned much about Disability Rights, and have gone onto meet a great many awesome friends through the Disability Rights community online.
But i would be lying if i said i do not miss being able to walk and drive and go places. I am now mostly stuck at home, and that is what bothers me the most….and what bothers me even more is that now i am forced to have to listen to the highway that my street is, even though the posted speed limit is supposed to be 25. People routinely scream through here, and even hot rod…..at sometimes double the posted speed limit…..and yes, now i have latched onto the two police radar speed trailers for dear life as the only protection i have against that awful noise, which is like knives, whips, and chainsaws all over my body from my scalp, to my arms, to my back…….and it is VERY painful to have to listen to this every afternoon and evening—and not have ANYWHERE to go to get AWAY from it.
And Now? I am trying to salvage what i have left of my mind, and health. And i cannot do this without financial help. I have begun to save money away in a jar, and i have also created a Go Fund Me page.
I am hoping i can finally get the help i need, first to get my own speed trailer, and then to move from here, to a community where i will have friends and where i will be connected and involved again.
My Go Fund Me is: https://www.gofundme.com/2ckkdc4
Below is a picture of the speed radar trailer i had which made me feel safe and secure in my own home while it was here. I so wish the police would understand my plight and get it back here for me.