Still Alone…Still Lonely

I apologize that i haven’t blogged in awhile. It’s been really rough. For one thing, i spent the last several months with bad digestive tract problems that were brought on by the stress of living in hot rod bully monster hell neighborhood, and the way i was drinking Slurpee after Slurpee, and no water. I became more of a cocoon, more of a hermit, more of a shell. I spent almost all day and night sleeping, because i had no energy anymore.

And, i have been depressed. Very depressed. The traumas i went through with M and then A, almost killed me.

But, having Connie back as my caregiver again since July 16th, has been one of the few bright shining lights of supports i have had, and this second time around, we are both talking openly, and she gets me now. We get along just as if we were biological sisters—and i like that. She has helped nurse me back to good digestive health. I am still not totally me again, but i can now eat pretty much normally again. I just can’t overeat, and overdo it.

My mom and most of my family moved out of state in the ’90’s and early 2000’s. My mom and two of my brothers and two of my sisters are in Idaho, and another sister is in Arizona. I am estranged, cut off from everyone in my family now, except for my mom, and the sister who lives with my mom, and my other nice sister in AZ. When Connie goes home, i am utterly alone. Why don’t i move there? For the longest time, i didn’t want to—but now i am thinking about it. I think a lot about living in a new place, like New England, New York state or Northern Michigan…..places i know that i must have lived in past lives.

I know i haven’t written, i know i haven’t done any new videos, or been very involved lately. It isn’t that i’ve stopped caring. It is that the depression and loneliness is killing me. Losing past friends who meant the world to me, still leaves me grieving.

I cry a lot. I lose my words a lot.

I so wish i had a small loyal group of local friends who would accept me as i am, who would come alongside and be friends to me, take me places, and do things with me, so i am not cut off from my community, and the outside fresh air and nature, and the ocean, all of which i have always loved. I so wish i could finally move from this tin canyon box i live in where none of my neighbors like me.

I am Autistic. This does not make me a leper or a monster. I need for my community to start understanding me, my Autism, accepting Autism, and all Autistic people. Please realize, we grow up and become adults, and we need support and services too. But real supports and services that will not take away our being our Autistic selves.

Because there’s nothing wrong or bad about being Autistic.

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