This blog post is derived from a collection of wall posts that i wrote from six hours ago till now.
Warning, strong language, profanity. Because that is where i am at as of now, tonight, as i write this.
(6 Hours Ago)
“My whole spoon supply has been sucked completely dry again by the damn evil car club east of me, and their constant parading, literally parading back and forth past my house with their fucking loud thundering bass up as loud as it will GO, all just to hear me scream and yell in sheer pain and agony inside of my own house!!!
Now i am PISSED OFF….and it is going to take me a LONG time to calm down.
Connie is fixing me homemade cheeseburgers for my dinner tonight. And getting me more chocolate ice cream too.
After we eat, i will have my shower.
And now. Someone has just driven by and cat-called/banshee yelled at me now. Just what the everloving fuck???!!!!! Why can’t everybody in this damn hateful neighborhood just leave me alone???!!!!!
Now i am fucking DONE for the night…..NO spoons…..NONE now!!!!!! I am in shut down mode, and when Connie leaves, i am holing up in my house with all of the doors and windows shut, and my TV and music up till at least after 2 AM tomorrow morning. I will come out again after that to watch and enjoy my TV shows and YouTube watching, and more Facebook. Because at that time, the bullies aren’t here.
But no….i am anything but calm right now. I am flaming pissed off right now!!!!!!”
I don’t feel safe in my own home. For the past 23 years, this has been a prison and a torture chamber for me, because of the mean bullies in this neighborhood who have taunted me for all these years.
Why haven’t i moved? It has always been because of money, and the choices i have always been limited to because of my housing assistance program. And because my mom is my landlord here, and i know she will never rmake me leave because of the meltdowns i have almost everyday sometimes, due to what still happens outside of my house, to me, via those who still to this day, bully me.
They bully me because they don’t understand that i am not a bad person or a monster. They don’t understand that i am a good person. That i am Disabled. That i am Autistic. That certain noises are real painful triggers to me, and therefore, set me off into sometimes severe meltdowns. Meltdowns that cause me physical pain and the further and further physical breakdown of my over all health.
(4 Hours Ago)
“I am putting myself in hibernation until after 2 AM with the sound on my TV and computer speakers (iTunes) both turned up loud to cover any noises i should hear that should be bothersome to me outside. I will come out of hibernation when i feel it is safe for me to be able to enjoy my TV, YouTube, Facebook, and just being in my own home. When i know the bullies are all gone. I so hope i win tomorrow night’s Powerball jackpot….then i will finally be able to move from this awful nightmare!!!”
I dream fervently so of the day i will finally be able to move from this loud, hostile tin canyon street, to a neighborhood that is warm, friendly and welcoming to me. Where my neighbors will understand and take me under their wing, and take me places, and do things with me. A neighborhood where i will be able to look outside of my windows and see beautiful trees, green grass, and lots and lots of beautiful different-colored flowers. Where my house will have enough room for me, and my mobility equipment that i am needing so i can get around better.
Yes, i now have a cane and a walker, and a wheelchair, but the wheelchair is SO very heavy, and hard to maneuver. They gave me the wrong one. So i rarely use it.
A neighborhood where i can get out and roll down its sidewalks. Without the fear of being yelled at, called names, and bullied by the mean men in the warehouse, the auto shop, and the car club.
(36 Minutes Ago)
“Now i need to move more than ever. My next door neighbor informed me last night that she has now made friends with everyone on this street, yes, everyone, including all who bully me…..and she was very quick to tell me how they all tell her that i have a “history” here.
I find it suspicious that Dillon from down the street who i worked so hard to make friends with, who did used to be so nice to me for the longest time, now won’t speak to me again.
Yes, i have been having alot of problems with my next door neighbors lately. No, they don’t seem to like me either.
It’s my fault. As always.
The problems i had yesterday with the cat-calling, banshee-yelling, and subwoofers, had nothing to do with them.
Maybe not the subwoofers, but the guy who came by and banshee yelled, yes, that was towards me.
I so fucking want out of this cage where everyone hates me because they, none of them understand, that i am a good person who happens to be Autistic, with sensory issues to certain kinds of loud noises, and that i am NOT the way i am because i’m a monster.
I am so sick of everyone thinking of me as a monster. I so want to just run away from this hell-hole and go live where i will have neighbors who will actually see who i am and like me.”
I am an Autistic adult who is trying my best to live independently, and i can continue to do so if i have the right help and support system. I do have Connie. But i need help so that i can financially afford to finally move out of here.
For the sake of my mental, emotional, and physical health. Please.
(Blog written at 12:57 AM, Saturday, September 5, 2015)