I Am Autistic, And I Am Doing The Best I Know How To Do

I try so hard to educate people about my Autism, and i still get misunderstood and misjudged.

It makes me want to give up, go into a cocoon, and not even try anymore.

I try my best to fit into a world that is still sadly not geared towards Autistic children and adults.

A world that still sadly does not get Autism and Autistic people.

Because we are still wrongly thought of as spoiled, and selfish, and behavior problems.

I know i come off as very demanding, and inflexible, for example…..but i have, over the years, developed these certain coping mechanisms because of

growing up in a mostly unsupportive family who teased and taunted me,

because of where i have had to live with the bullies and their noises for the past 23 years,

and because i have always, always gotten highly upset when i think ppl are against me or angry at me, or i think they dislike me.

I have always been very very sensitive to how ppl treat me…..and i know that that too, comes off as like i am selfish,

but i am NOT a selfish person. Neither am i lazy, or spoiled.

It is so hard to explain Autism to those who don’t get it, or don’t want to get it……like that certain awful senator who likened us to being brain dead…..and a catastrophe….and a tragedy.

But i am who i am. God made me this way, and God made all of us Autistics the way we are.

Because God wanted for our world to be neurodiverse.

I am still a human being with feelings. Deep deep feelings.

I still love, i still care, i still feel, I still have deep empathy and compassion for everyone.

I don’t lie, cheat, or steal.

But my neurology alone, prevents me from being able to get along well with people, handle people, keep friends, cook for myself, wash my own dishes, do housecleaning and etc.,……then come my physical health issues which compounds my inabilities even more now.

I can now no longer drive and am mostly housebound due to my legs now, so i need to have a caregiver to take care of all of these needs and my outside needs as well.

I love the caregiver that i have now. I love her to the moon and back.

But honestly, i would so love to be able to drive and have my own car again.

I kinda miss my little white Toyota Tercel.

I so miss the drives i used to love to take around the Central Coast.

I so miss the ocean, and its majestic waves, and the beautiful scent of the salty sea air.

I at least want to drive and be able to shower myself and dress myself again.

I will still need help at least with being able to have someone with me when going out and doing my own shopping, and errands, and trips to medical places, and with housecleaning, and keeping my kitchen clean, because of my lack of spoons to be able to do those things myself now.

After what has happened to me with losing friends, ppl turning against me, etc., the past three years, i am now petrified of going anyplace by myself anymore, and i now need someone with me.

I have had bad experiences in medical offices and now need someone to speak for me when i lose my words and spoons to talk.

The demanding traits i have, are my way that i cope with what i can’t handle.

Because i don;’t know how to do things like ignore and tune out what upsets me—-because i lack those filters to be able to do so.

So my defense mechanism is to try to control my environment to where i won’t be taken way too far out of my safe zone, if that makes sense.

Because of my sensory issues with things that are too upsetting and overwhelming to me.

I do know how to compromise and to meet people halfway, and to give and take, to a point. But when i feel i am pushed too hard, that i am not heard, my anxiety levels go up, then i go into meltdowns and then deep dark depressions where i cannot rest, relax, or sleep.

I AM trying my best.

With what tools i do have available to me,

and how many spoons i have available to me.

Please have patience with me…..as i am still learning and growing.

I would never hurt anyone, whether human or animal.

It really hurts and grieves my heart and spirit when this world still sees me and my Autistic community friends as a tidal wave, tsunami, catastrophic tragedy, and an epidemic, that should be cured and eradicated and fixed with abusive and dangerous therapies like ABA and bleach enemas.

Please accept me and my friends, please get to know us, and i mean get to really know us, and then you will see that we are not tragedies, you will see our true human spirit, our love, our creativity, our sense of humor, and our personhood and value, as the human beings we are.

Thank you. 🙂

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