For Those Of You Who Don’t Yet Know Me~~A Re-Write

Hi, my name is Melissa, and i am a middle aged Autistic adult who has been on Facebook since January 2008. I will be 55 in May. I am good friends with many of you. But many of you still don’t know me.

For the past 4 years, i have been working on writing my life story as an Autistic who grew up in a very large family who was sadly, and i hate to say it but it’s true, most of my family were both racist, conservative, and they were also intolerant of  LBGTQ and disabled people.

Yes, i said all of the above, and i can back it all up with experience after experience of seeing some of them etch swastikas into their PeeChee folders, going to my brother’s house for Christmas after Christmas Eve, and hearing him, his wife’s family, and one of my nephews all refer to Blacks as the N word, President Obama as “The n***** in the White House”, Hispanics refered to as spics and wetbacks, seeing the confederate flag hugely big as life displayed in their front sitting room as i came into their house, and them always having Fox News on the TV. In addition, growing up, i would hear awful racial and anti-Semetic jokes and slurs all the time out of the mouths of most of my family. In addition, all of the disabled people they would see at school, would also go up on their hate table to also be made fun of so cruelly by them.

They treated me the same way.

Again, it was not all of my family, but it was, and is, most of them.

Out of all of them, my mother and two of my sisters have always been my friends and allies, but i have always been shunned, ignored by all three of my brothers, and my other sister, and all of my nieces and nephews too. And my brothers’ spouses too. And they still all shun me. And it really bothers me.

If they would only read my blogs with an open mind, and a softened heart, they would finally see the truth. But i actually think my one sister would very much love to find a way to sue me for my blogs. Even though i am not using real names and trying to preserve as much of their anonymity.

I am not here to slam my family, i never was….. i am here to tell my story, and to get the help and support i have never had.

I am here to make them aware of how deeply i hurt and how deeply it affected me to grow up Melissa Fields because of the way they treated me, teased and taunted me, and made me feel always so cut off, always ostrascized, always separate from them…..and like i was “less-than” they were, because of my disabilities.

I still live in the small cottage that i have lived in for the past 23 years, the small cottage that badly needs repairs and to be retrofitted so that it is disabled accessible for me, as i am physically disabled now as well.

I would ideally love to move, as this street presents serious sensory issues to me because of the loud constant hot rodding and bullying i still get to this very day, from employees in an auto shop and a warehouse, which are both across from my tiny cottage. I have also developed a huge lymphedema leg tumor on the inside of my left inner thigh that has really hampered my mobility alot in the past three years. It needs to be surgically removed, but to do so, i would have to relocate to either the San Francisco Bay Area or the Los Angeles area, as they still don’t do these kinds of surgeries here in Santa Maria where i live.

This means me having to give up having Connie as my caregiver who i have come to really love and trust with my life, and giving up my ability to rent from my mother via section 8 when i return, two things that frighten me to pieces.

I am in pain on all levels now though…..

physically due to my legs, because of the lymphedema and now, on top of that, the leg tumor, which is like a 50 pound rock that seems like it has been soldered onto my left inner thigh, attached at my knee,

and because i am profoundly alone and lonely when my caregiver isn’t here to help me the six days a week she is here. She comes each afternoon/evening, for six days a week to help me.

Because all of my real friends are online, on Facebook.

Because i want so much for Connie to be here more than she is able to be, as she, also is my friend too.

Because my mother and two nice sisters live in other states, far away from me……one sister lives in Arizona, and the other sister lives in the same state as my mom does.

Because the rest of my family have coldly cut me off, it seems, for good now.

Because they still don’t get me, and why i am online saying the things i say.

Because i hurt so deep inside, i want to scream till i have no voice left, and cry deep raging rivers of the hurt i feel due to all of the rejections i have had to endure. And that i still endure.

I have deep abandonment issues due to all of the caregivers who have abused, exploited and abandoned me, and so many others who have done the same. The hurt from it all is indescribable.

My life story is finished for the most part. I wrote it via Microsoft Word, as a PDF document. I would like to get in and tweak it more, as there are things i know i left out. But maybe i will write one more, or two or several more books. I don’t know. It all depends on if my first book is even successful. But the thing of it is this: i have no idea how to go about publishing a book, i don’t even have a cover designed for it…..and yes, i do love to draw. But i am completely inexperienced as to how to get into the publishing market. i do have two blogs, one on WordPress and one on Blogger, but i still have much to learn about including pictures and links on them. I only got my first computer ever in December 2007.

I know many of you have also misunderstood me as well, and have not wanted to be my friends, because i come off so aggressive and even like i am whining. If you all knew what i have had to endure, what i still have to endure, and would read my blogs, befriend and get to know me, you would all then understand my life experience. I am not just here to tell my story and get help for myself anymore, i am here also because i have come to grow attached to and love all of you who are my friends, and i have come to understand so much more about Autism and the urgent need for the whole entire world, people, news media, entertainment world, etc., to be educated about Autism Acceptance, and about Us as the real breathing and valuable and beautiful human beings we are. We matter. We have a voice. We are NOT tragedies and burdens and monsters. We are NOT a “Behavior Problem” or a tsunami. Auti$m $peak$ has had the microphone long enough. It is OUR time to tell OUR stories, so the world will wake up and see the TRUTH about us. Auti$m $peak$ are WRONG, and they hate us. Which is why i am here amongst all of my Neurotribe. Yes, i am here to to get help. But i am here for my Neurotribe, my Autistic Community, too!!!

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