When Caregiver Abuse Occurs~~The Story Of My Relationship With R, My Next Door Neighbor~Updated

This blog which was originally written on August 22, 2011, is about my entire six year friendship with R that ended in March of 2012…..

My Six~Year Up~And~Down Rollercoaster Ride

Disclaimer: I am not writing this to slam my neighbor, but for help in trying to understand relationships better..and understand some of the things i have had to go through with this man that i have felt are abuse. R is  a man who rented the little cottage next door to me for the past six years. He was a very kind, nice man…when he was in a good mood, that is. But he would, on a regular basis, also get in other moods where he would become mean, and where he has even taken advantage of me both materialistically and financially….below is my story, updated, and i hope you will all please comment, because i want to learn and grow from this….

R is a man who came to live next door to me in February of 2006. We both have rented these two cottages from my mother who lives up in Idaho. She and a bunch of my family moved there from here, in the ’90’s, when i had the support of a Christian Singles group and had the hope of maybe getting out of this pit. I still live in my cottage. But he had to finally move out on the first week of April 2012 because of our ongoing fights.

At the time, R rented the cottage next door, another man was supposed to rent that cottage, and i spent one Saturday night in February of 2006, here at home, waiting for him to show up, so i could let him in the house to move his stuff in. But it was getting late, and the man was not showing up, so i called his work to see what was going on, when R answered the phone, and i told R to please try to get ahold of the other guy. As the evening progressed, and the renter never called me, or even showed, i would continue to make calls to his work and talk to R. I finally asked R if he would be interested in renting the cottage next door to me, in the event that this other guy wasn’t going to rent the place. He said “Yes, i need a place to live, because my landlord is selling the place i am in now.” Shortly after hanging up with R, the other man’s brother called me, a man who is a good friend of our family’s, by the way, who also is good friends with R. He went on to tell me that his brother had backed out, so i asked if it’d be okay then to let R rent next door? He said yes, so i called my mom to tell her, and called R back to let him know…and a week later, R was all moved in. A rental agreement was written up, and it was stipulated that R could live here as long as he made every effort to look out for me, that he would help me, be nice to me, and be my friend. He was told that he would hear me have alot of loud meltdowns due to the street noise, that my music would be up loud as a means to cover the noise—-and he said he would always be okay with all of this, that he would never ever call the cops or get funny or mean with me. He made an ironclad promise to me, to my mom, and to our family friend, that he would abide by all these things.

We got along great at first!! We would talk often, and visit in each others’ homes. He stated that he knew alot already about Autism Spectrum Disorder, because he was/is close friends with a lady who had two sons and two daughters, and her youngest one was also on the spectrum. He immediately noticed the noise and all the shenanigans from the business across the street, and one other business too, and how they were indeed, doing things to antagonize me. He would always report it to H, our family friend, and H would in turn, report all these incidents to the police. I felt safe with R next door….and i always felt safe with him,…that is, when he was in his good moods…..

Even so, right off the bat, he seemed to expect me to always buy him candy and even sometimes his favorite flavored bottled water. Being that i was so grateful to have this new friend and ally next door, i willingly would buy him a couple of six packs of Propel flavored water, and all kinds of candy, once a week. I would buy him huge bags of the chocolate miniatures (which consisted of Milky Way, Milky Way Dark, Twix, Three Muskateers), Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, Kit Kat bars, etc., plus, jumbo boxes and bags of Hot Tamales, Mike ‘N Ikes, Good ‘N Plentys, and Laffy Taffys candies. This would cost me about $50 to $60 a month. He loved the candy, and always seemed his nicest when i would bring him those bags of sweet goodies. Sometimes i would even bring him goodies from the Christian bookstore that i liked to shop at. From there, i would gift him with novels to read, cute bumper stickers, cute refrigerator magnets, calendars each year, and even music CD’s of his favorite Christian music. At Best Buy, i bought him some secular music CD’s i knew he liked too, including the first CD by a band he began to love, called Gnarls Barkley.. I was always buying him gifts, and giving him all of my unwanted CD’s, DVD’s, books, candies, snacks, etc. I did this right up until he and i stopped being friends for good last month.

I didn’t know about his other side until one evening, a month later, when i came over that evening when he had come home on his dinner break from work, to inform him of yet another incident from the auto shop across the street. He said in an exasperated tone of voice, “Oh, i just don’t notice those kinda things..and i’m not going to notice those kinda things. I’m not going to get myself involved with that street like you do…it’ll make me crazy, and i’m not gonna do that to myself….” in other words, he was telling me he wasn’t going to help me anymore, and when i asked him if that was what he meant, he blew up at me, told me to deal with it myself, so i had to call H at his home, and H had to have a talk with him. I tried never to bother R too much, only when the street was being really bad. Of course, after H talked to R, R was fine again. Until May of that same year, when i gave him the money to buy a ceiling fan like the one he had, and he came over one night to install the fan for me….and i noticed that he wasn’t tightening things right. He was also acting so goofy, that it made me uncomfortable, especially when i was helping him to hold up the fan, and he reached over to tickle me near my boobs. I did not like that, and i told him so. Then he made a horrible racist remark about African Americans, calling them the awful N word. Then, when the fan was installed…and we turned it on, the whole thing was crooked, and it wobbled. He waved my concerns and worries off, saying that that was just because of the way the ceiling was, that it was okay. Instinct told me this was not right, and the next day i called him over to please look at it again. He dismissed me once again, calling me paranoid, and said to keep on using the fan, that it was fine. He stalked off, annoyed at me for even doubting his ability to do things right, and he told me so….

So, i went next door to the business that was to the immediate east of me, to get one of the kind brothers who owned the business, to look at the fan. He was shocked that R would blow my concerns off, telling me the fan was definitely installed wrong…and he told me definitely, that i was not to use it, because it was dangerous, and that he would be right back to fix it. He left and came right back with a tall step ladder, and proceeded to fix the fan. When i confronted R, he really blew up at me, screaming at me: “Missy, what the hell’s the matter with you?! Why don’t you trust me?!  It’s as if you think i’m inept or something!! This is unacceptable!! To go behind my back and get someone else to fix your fan when i said i would do it! I am VERY UPSET about this!!”  

 I replied,”R, i tried to tell you and show you how the fan is wobbling, and you blew me off!!”

R:, still yelling: “No, you went behind my back and got soemone else to fix it…this is underhanded of you and i’m never gonna help you with anything ever again!!”

I said “You know what? I am telling H about this!! This is not right!! I can’t talk to you when you are like this!!”

R; “No, you are NOT going to H, because i won’t have you going to anyone and bad-mouthing me!!! That is going to stop right now! I wil put a stop to this myself!!”

Me: “I am not doing that, R!!!! I am trying to resolve this in a reasonable manner, and you won’t let me even talk to you rationally!! The reason i got F to come, was because because you would not listen to me, and you called me paranoid!! You blew my concerns OFF!!!! H is my friend, and i only want him to mediate because I can’t talk to you!! YOU are being irrational about this, not me!!!”

With that, i stalked off, crying and shaking, and i called H. Once again, after H talked to R….G was nice again.

But there were alot of other smaller fights for about the first eighteen months he was here….like when we would be talking, i have a bad habit of yawning….i sometimes do that because i need more oxygen, because i am very excitable, and i often don’t sleep well, especially when i am stressed-out…and so i yawn alot when i am relaxed, talking to people. But R would often yell at me for that, too, and accuse me of yawning because his stories were too boring!!! 

I have always enjoyed his stories and our visits!!!!! Again, when he is in his nice moods.

Another thing he would do is also yell at me for taking my hair in front of my face while we would be talking and looking at the shines in it. He would often accuse me of not listening to him; he would yell at me to “Focus!!”, and of not respecting him. When i was still hearing him…i do that as a stim, and it is one of my most favorite ways to stim!!!!!

Then he would sometimes get in moods where he would lecture me on how to react to things…like:

Don’t let others steal your joy

Ignore them and they will ignore you….etc…..

Well, with autism, my mind does not work that way…i do not have that kind of shield on my brain to be able to do those things…so i have to, instead, try my best to always avoid and insulate myself from all of the things that are triggers and sensory issues to me. He had to learn that he could not fix or cure my autism, nor what he always would call my Missy-isms….he had to learn that he had to just be here as a friend and ally to me…and, mostly, he was here for me….

In May of 2007, i finally wrote him a long letter of my issues, and about the do’s and don’t’s of how to treat and deal with me and after that, he stopped interrupting my afternoon soaps, to come visit, stopped calling me and waking me up when i was asleep, and he also stopped getting angry at me for stimming and looking at my hair and for yawning.

R lived next door to me for the past six years, from February 2006 to April 2012…..and we kept on having these fights..and boy, i’ll tell you, those really took alot out of me….and only added to my stress due to my problems with the street….

Some of our fights were little, and they would pass quickly…but others were huge trainwrecks!!!!! 

Huge trainwrecks that would leave both me and my poor, 82-year-old mother rattled to the core–even sick to our stomaches!!!!!

When he was nice, life was good, and i felt safe and secure, knowing he was here to protect me from the bully monsters. We would have lots of nice visits and dinners together, and would also sometimes enjoy a DVD movie and popcorn. When he was nice, he would do an awesome job cleaning my house, and i was able to tell him thngs i wanted done, how i wanted them done, and he would do them, no problem. When he was in the good moods, we would visit and act goofy and he would even joke around with alot me during these times. He was supposed to pay my mom $600 a month rent, but when he cleaned my house, which he used to do once a month, he was allowed to deduct $50 for this once a month houescleaning job, which would normally take him about two hours to do, as this is a small cottage. He also used to collect my mail, as my mailbox used to be down the street, in front of his house and the studio next to it, and i was always too afraid to walk to the mailbox myself to get my mail myself, because of the bully monsters. I do get 99% of my mail at the post office, but a small percentage of mail still comes in my box, mostly the weekly ads and a few credit card offers and offers from Comcast, DirecTV, etc., that they want to send to me directly. (I now have my mailbox at my front door now). He also used to take my trash recepticle out on trash pickup day, and bring it back in to my backyard, because i can’t do that myself either. I used to give him $10 a month to take care of my trash can and mail. In addition, i would also give him $15 each time he washed my car and watered my lawn, because i’m also not able to do those things by myself. I usually had him do that twice a month. In addition, when i got my computer the day after Christmas 2007, he put the table together, and hooked up my computer, for $25 dollars. And for $6 dollars, he came to change out all of my incandescent lightbulbs to compact flourescent bulbs.

But the bad things began adding up…and began adding up so much that i could not continue to just sweep them under the rug anymore. His bad moods began to really make me afraid to ask too much of him…and when i did need him to do something for me, he always seemed to want payment in return, whether it be a cash payment, or CD’s and DVD’s that i didn’t want anymore, or candy and snack food. I have given this man alot out oif just the sheer goodness of my heart.

In the summer of 2007, i took out two loans to purchase a car stereo system, with speakers, and a 12″ sub, so i could have XM radio and a CD player in my car. When i got that money, suddenly he wanted more money for his chores: $30 dollars for the car washes and lawn watering, and $30 dollars for the handling of my mail and trash…plus $100 more per month, for the monthly housecleanings. And he also wanted even more candy, books, DVD’s and CD’s.

When he hooked my computer up, i had to give him $25 dollars to help me to pick out the computer at Best Buy, and then another $25 dollars to assemble my computer desk and computer…well, he did all of that…but then he was going to leave without hooking up the speakers and subwoofer, saying that i just needed the computer to be hooked up in order for Comcast to come install my internet the next day, and he said he was not going to hook them up till later. As a result, i would of probably of had to spend several days with no sound on my computer….so i had to bribe him with yet another $25 dollars to hook up the speakers and sub. When i did that, he was suddenly more than willing to hook my speakers up…..!!!!

After that, i needed alot of tech support to learn how to use my computer, but he would not come to help me, unless i would agree to give him at least $25 dollars each time for his tech lessons.

Next came the weekly pizza dinners, which cost me $60 dollars each week, to feed both him, me, and the two boys who were the sons of his lady friend. When we didn’t have pizza, i would pay him $20, $30, or $40 dollars to fix me a homecooked meal once a week, as he said he would be more than willing to do that for me, for these amounts of money. He would purchase the ingrediants with my money, and then we would have delicious food, indeed, as he is an excellent cook!!!! But i would never see any receipts nor did he ever give me any of the change i may of had due for these transactions.

Then, in late February of 2008, he had me over for a Sloppy Joe dinner one night, again, a dinner that i had paid for him to make for me, and i came to his house, to find him in one of his surly moods, with loud ’70’s AM gold music blaring, which he knows is a trigger for me, as it makes me relive my past….and..all during the dinner, he wouldn’t let me talk or be myself at all. Finally, i could stand the music no more, and asked if he would please change the channel to something he and i could both listen to, as he also loves all of my kind of music too….well, his response was to get up and turn the whole stereo off, saying “Well, if you don’t like the music, we just won’t listen to anything at all, how’s that??!!” I said “FINE!! I AM LEAVING!!!!!” He goes: “Well…don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!!!” I had a major meltdown that night…..i was on the phone to my mom, and to H, hysterical and in tears, and then when i emailed R to explain things, to try to work our latest spat out…he emailed me back the next day telling me….”Well, sorry, but i am not going to dance to your beat…!!!” A few days later, after H was able to talk to him, he changed his tune back to nice, and promised me this would NEVER happen again!!!!

Two weeks later, in early March 2008, it happened again. He invited me to have smoked sausage sandwiches with him after work one night, but i said i would have to pay him for him to fix them. So, we had a nice enjoyable time, eatting and enjoying a nice visit. But then, right after we ate, we went into the other room to go on his computer, as there was something he wanted to show me, and suddenly he turned his back to me, slunched over the computer, and wouldn’t talk anymore. I said “Well, maybe i should leave now. Thank you for the sandwiches, they were delicious.” He turned around and, putting out his hand, wiggling it in front of me, yelled; “Hey!!!! Where’s my moneyyyyyy?!?!?” I was like…..suddenly disgusted with him. How dare he keep doing this to me, when i have given him all those $60 dollar pizza dinners with all the fixin’s, and so many CD’s and DVD’s and everything else already????? I aksed him if this could just be a treat this time, that i was having a bad month, and he said “NOOOOO!!!! I want my money!!!!!! I paid good money for these sausages, now i want to be paid!!!!” I handed him $12 dolars…and he goes “No, i want more!!!!” I lost it, and told him to fuck off….and i stormed out on him….

I got violently sick that night…and my legs began to throb and then break out in the sores…..after that fight, i stopped walking, stopped losing weight…oh, i would still walk sometimes, and go back to my walking, but it got harder and harder for me to do, because i was really beat down again…..and i have not been able to regain my health ever since those February and March 2008 fights….and then even more fights, and more street traumas…on top of all of that..on and on it continued…..

And we have continued on this way….we have continued to fight….then we make up…things are always okay for a time, and then we have another one of our trainwreck fights….and on and on this just kept going….

When we had our fights, it was just like my whole world collapsing…and then, when we talked and made up….i could still never fully tell him how badly he has always hurt me for fear of him blowing up at me again…

As a result….if he did a sloppy job cleaning my house, and i tried to tell him, and he sweared up and down he cleaned the area i said he din’t clean, then i had to just shut up and drop it, or he would blow up at me……

When he came over to clean, he would often raid my refrigerator for bottled water without first asking me, and proceed to open the bottle and drink from it before i can say anything..i had to just let him do this, or he would blow up at me…one night, when he was cleaing in my kitchen, and i was here at my computer, he went to my pantry, which is open, and proceeded to get into the last of my potato chips that i had saved for my lunch the next day!! He came into the living room, with his hands already in the bag, munching away on the chips….without bothering to ask me first if he could have some!! When he cleaned my house, he would routinely ask for candy, chips, whatever…even Q-tips, baby lotion, and pain reliever….and i had to tell him yes, or he would get mad at me and throw his fits!! When he washed my car and watered my lawn, he would also use my water, gobs and gobs of my paper towels and Windex to clean his car as well…and then used my water to water his lawn! He did tell me that he felt entitled to use my paper towels and water, because he used a special nozzle and soap for my car, and felt that he should have the use of my towels and water in return for the privilege of me being able to have the special soap and waxing.

And, on the months that he wasn’t able to clean my house….he would still deduct the $50 dollars off the rent….

If i had done these things to him…he would of probably killed me!!!! In fact, whenever the tables were turned…i would have to give him his exact change….and he would often be stingey with what he would give to me. If i needed tissues if my nose ws running when over at his house, he would hand me one half of a tissue. One night, when i had paid for him to cook me a nice ham dinner, i noticed that he doled out to me small portions while he doled out huge portions for himself. In 2010, when he went up to the annual Spirit West Coast Christian Rock Festival, and i wasn’t able to go…he had promised me that he would bring me concert t-shirts, and take lots of pictures for me. That never happened. He came back and only would show me a few of the pictures…and there were no t-shirts. I would not of done that to him!! Then, when i needed something to sit on in my backyard last year when i began to go back in my backyard in the long summer evenings to enjoy the fresh air and had nothing to sit on, and he knew it, he never offered to let me borrow his chairs to sit on….i had to buy one off of him….and i paid him $18 dollars for it.

In May of 2008, he put on a lavish birthday party for me, where he had those two boys over and their mother. We had a huge feast of homemade spaghetti with homemade meat sauce, salad, garlic bread, and a nice Snickers chocolate cake for dessert. It was supposed to be all his treat. But when he discovered he had no containers to put the spaghetti dish in, he had to go and purchase one…and he asked me to reimburse him for the full cost of the Rubbermaid container. I thought that too, was really tacky of him to make me do that on my birthday. He should of let me have that container…but he didn’t. It went with him when he moved last week.

He would often also borrow thing from me and never return them or replace them.

Then i had to start paying him to stay home to watch over me on several Thursday nights in a row in the months of February and early March of 2012…to the tune of $10 the first Thursday night, and then $12, the next Thursday night, then $14 and then $15 the other Thursday nights he stayed home for my protection from the auto shop. Then, last month…we had our worst trrainwreck fight ever, in which this time, he totally turned against me, writing me those awful hate-filled emails. He suddenly stopped being nice…to both me and my mom. And then he moved out, leaving the house next door unrentable. My mother, who is on a fixed income, now has to try to find a way to afford to get the nice hardwood floors that he scratched and walls that he gouged, sanded and repainted, the tub in the bathroom resurfaced, the backyard cleaned, and the front window that he so stupidly spray painted, cleaned or replaced….among other things….

 If all of this isn’t abuse…then something is dearly, dearly wrong…..

I hope i can find some friends to help me who will not treat me like this…my health is failing, and i am in desperate need….i don’t want to have to endure anymore of this hell….i am trying hard to forgive R, and trying hard to move on…but it is so hard for me to do so…..because this has all clearly traumatized me….to the point where i am now having alot of nightmares about him now…..

I never thought that he would ever turn out to be a monster too…..

Thank you all for reading this…God bless you, everyone!!!!

 

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