I Don’t Know…I Am So Scared….

This following post about the dark demise of my friendship that was not a true friendship, was originally written on April 4, 2012…….

Please don’t cal the police on me…..i am just venting again, because it’s the middle of the night..and i need to get these feelings out…..

Well, now it is 12:01 Wednesday morning, April the 4th, 2012. I have today and Thursday left of my R nervousness, and of me being cooped up here in my cottage like a prisoner, and then R will finally be out of here–and out of my life. Today, my caregiver is going to come and we will be going to my podiatrist to hopefully get the callous taken off of my left foot so that i can walk again and get off of this Vicodin, and then we will be going to do my payday stuff. I am hoping that R will not block us from going tomorrow, or i will be sunk.

R was a man who i really looked up to as if he was a real brother to me for the past six years that he lived here…and now he has turned against me…for no reason at all. I have been trying my best to deal with this, and it has been so hard for me, becaue frankly, i have been totally blown by what has happened between he and i last month, especially his nasty emails where he has come right out and attacked me and torn me down as a human being. As an autistic, all i have ever, ever, ever wanted in life is to be loved and wanted and accepted. To belong. Most ppl haven’t and don’t accept me though, and i have suffered mostly lonliness and isolation most of my life because of that. I know that i have always been a very difficult person because of my hang-ups, quirks, and the way i am unable to handle harsh stern unfriendly ppl. But that does not make me a bad person. I was born this way…i can’t be non-autistic…because i simply don’t know how to be. But i feel i am still a good person nonetheless.

  • R was mostly a person who really seemed to like me and be on my side for these past six years. Most of the time, that is. But every so often, along the way, he would turn on me and get in nasty mean moods with me….only this time, the mood has not gone away like it has all the other times before, and this time he has turned totally against me. Tonight, as with most nights, are my most hardest, ever since R turned on me. I often will have nightmares about him now. I often shake, and i do also cry. I call out to God as to why, why, why, why did this have to happen?

    I don’t know why this happened….i can only guess at the possibilities. Even so, this leaves me feeling as though i have been stripped naked. Bare and cold. Because when he was nice, i felt so very very secure here. Now? I do not know if i can trust that anyone in my life will not up and do the same thing to me…..and this scares me to death….to think that he could be right…..that i am just a toxic person who will eventually end up alienating everyone…and then i will be on this earth totally friendless…..for the rest of my life…..

  • I am so confused. I had so hoped that when i grew up, that i would of been able to go onto college, a nice career, and then marriage and two or three children, and a real life, with a nice house, nice tan, nice car, nice trim body, lots of nice clothes, lots of friends, and lots of nice vacations to New York, New England, even Europe.

  • I should of seen the signs all along when i was friends with R, that we weren’t really genuine friends. Like the time he went up to the three day Spirit West Coast Christian Rock Festvial in Monterey, and never got me the t-shirts i had asked for. or the pictures he said he was going to take of some of my favorite Christian Rock bands.
  • Or the time that i gave him two huge bags of CD’s i didn’t want anymore, because i now have iTunes and have them all ripped into my iTunes library..and he promised to sell the ones he didn’t want, and give me the money for my moving fund….and he never did that, instead, he went and gave all of the ones he wanted, away.
  • Or all the times when i begged him to have a movie night over at his house, and he would back out at the last minute….or all the times i would invite him to eat out with me, and he would decline, as if he was ashamed and embarrassed to be seen with me in public.
  • or all the times i would ask for him to watch out for me when i would come home from my dinners out, so i wouldn’t get taunted by the auto shop men, and he would say he would watch for me, yet when i would come home, his TV would be blaring sonically loud, and his lights all turned out…and he wouldn’t hear me if i were to cry for him….
  • Or all the times when i would need his help, and he would decline, until i offered to give him money to do what i wanted him to do for me. Then he would help me.
  • As well as all the other things i have mentioned in other notes and other postings.

I don’t know….all i know is that i am now totally without his love and support….i am clueless as to what caused this to happen..and i still do very much need to move from here…..and i need to move soon, even with R gone, because i still have all the mean men in the auto shop and warehouse across the street.

Sigh….thanx for letting me vent yet again. Because it’s the middle of the night again, when i get the most afraid.

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