What If?

Right now i am sitting here thinking about how things would have turned out if everything had fallen into place for me to make the move i had wanted to make to Michigan. 

How things would be for me on this first day of May, if the realtor had found a good buyer right off the bat

for the real estate my mom is trying to sell so i can still move somewhere, now that i can’t move to Michigan. 

How things would be if i had had a great meeting with that Lutheran pastor that Lady X had me set up with,

and they had both helped me to pack up and sell off the things i would not be taking with me to MI. 

How it would be if the general surgeon had given me the go-ahead to have my leg surgery done, in February,

and then by April, i would have been all ready to go to Michigan. 

And how things would have been if Lady X had remained nice through all of this. 

And then how things would be if, when i got back there, i would have found my dream one bedroom house right off the bat, and if everything else was now falling into place for me, finally, for the first time ever in my whole life?

I can only imagine how things would be for me right now….i would be either on my way to Michigan,

or in Michigan now, getting to know Lady X and her family, making strong friends with all of them,

and us going to the Social Security office, my new bank, and the housing, and Medicaid offices.

Then us finding a beautiful large spacious one bedroom house with hardwood floors all throughout,

a huge beautifully tiled walk-in shower in my bedroom’s nice large en suite bath.

My house would include a huge walk-in closet in my bedroom, and wide doorways all throughout.

I would also have a large spacious eat-in kitchen.

This house would be on a quiet tree-lined street with lots of trees and grass and flowers all around….

and my neighbors would all be nice people that Lady X knew, who would also take me under their wings, like family.

I can just imagine that right now we would be planning a trip to see all of Northern Michigan this coming June,

including Mackinac Island, and by now, we would have already been on weekend trips to nearby Holland and Grand Haven.

I can imagine that today i got to see a glorious sunset full of red, pink, and gold, from the back deck of my house as Lady X and her family were all at my house with me, BBQing a luscious dinner of ribs with all the fixin’s.

These dreams never came true though…..and i am still catching myself mourning, even wanting to break down and cry tonight, because none of this happened.

Because Lady X also turned out to be yet another fair weather friend to me. Because Lady X also turned viciously against me.

I don’t know what to say as to why my dreams and plans always, always fall through?

Is this the way it is always supposed to be for me?????

Or, can i still find a way to at least make a move to a nice spacious one bedroom house in Arroyo Grande that has a view…and then still find a way to make some trips to Michigan, New York, and New England this June?

Can my dreams still come true, somehow, someway, please??????

Because i am really getting seriously depressed here….

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy i was finally able to fire JuJu,

Because JuJu was so very cruel to me, and that i now have CC as my new caregiver……

I LOVE sweet CC; she has been a total SWEET ANGEL to me so far!!

She does everything i need to have done, never says no, never has a bad attitude!!

She NEVER takes my money, like JuJu used to do!!

And she is always smiling, and laughing and happy!!

But i still need a way to make my dreams come true….

i pray that CC will stay my forever caregiver,

and i pray i will find nice friends in Arroyo Grande who will be that family i need that my own family never was to me.

DAMN, DAMN, DAMN you, Lady X, for leading me to believe you were my friend and that you cared about me!!

And if i can say this too?

FUCK YOU, Lady X, for what you did to me!!!! You totally preyed upon my vulnerabilities and my fears, and then you turned them upon me!!!

God wants me to forgive…..but i cannot right now,

because right now i fucking HATE the ground you walk upon!!!


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